Faith Brought Love
Driving seems like the scariest thing on the planet. One trick of the wheel going at a reasonable speed can erase a life. Rain puts you at greater risk, a risk that didn't seem likely, but it happened anyway. The one person in my house I could talk to freely was gone. I'd loved them all equally, with all my heart, forever, and I only received that love back from Anna. I used to call her "Annie", did you know that? Like the orphan…because she might as well have been. When she figured out the story behind Annie, she told me never to call her that, just because she wasn't anything like Annie…she didn't lack a family until the end of the story. According to her, she'd already had one until the very end.
In my life, I've been able to steal 43 cars, blow up 13 establishments, and lose one friend. None of these things seem like accomplishments…because they aren't. I don't feel hope and I don't deserve to have the praise or support of anyone. That's why my parents are not aware of my whereabouts or what I plan to do. Damned Rhode Island…such a small place, and it probably held one of the biggest personalities.
Never loved it. Never called it home. I don't plan on looking for it, I just hope that before I go, I'll know where it is, and that all along it had been waiting for me. Because I don't need to enjoy a life in it…I just need to know there is a place I was needed and wanted. And wanted for the right reasons…. Anna taught me there are reasons to be wanted that one can't bear to live with.
Miss you, sis.
In the back of the pick-up I bought with money I'd raised while training in the academy (yes, I am capable of obtaining a vehicle without hot-wiring the ignition), I packed my entire closet, my textbooks, and one photo album I smuggled out of the house. In my pocket, I had my entire bank account: $1,456.05. Unrealistically, I assumed I would be able to live off of this small allowance for a while before I was finally an official cop. I'm only 18, so I won't start off with a "Star-Police" salary, and of that I was fully aware.
I planned on just getting on a boat (yeah like the 18th century) and heading to Chicago… they had an offer there for me, in Evanston. They had an apartment for me there, and I'm not one to complain. After seeing how better off I am than some poor kids, or sick kids, I find myself punishing myself for even thinking about whining.
I arrive at the boarding area, and change my mind…maybe a boat's not the way to go.
Maybe, just maybe, in an airplane, I'll have a better chance of seeing Anna flying by… maybe finally I'll be able to know that the angel that lived right next to me all those years is finally at a home that needs her for her sense of humor, her smarts, her beauty…her generosity. Not for her platelets.
Kate swears that she saw her shuffle in around in her bed, or that the shower was running and someone was singing "Celebrate Good Times"…just like our Anna used to. But it's almost always our minds playing tricks on us…even if we check the shower and there's water dripping from it…even if the bed is usually warm, as if a small girl had been sleeping, dreaming of a world where her sister was better so they could be bridesmaids at each other's wedding. A world where her mother conceived her because she just wanted her daughter to have someone to talk about boys and sports and school and the snooty girls in their classes… not to discuss a kidney transplant.
I plan to live a free life like the one Annie would've… because if God hadn't pulled that twist of fate, she would be at the hospital, holding a limp Kate in her arms…saying her goodbyes as tears gushed down her cheeks as if they would never stop. Kate's here, she's well, and she'll remain that way a good long time… and with Anna gone, I'm still left without a mother.
I'd left Kate a note goodbye…I've always and always will love her. I left dad a note as well…as for my mother…she knows just what I have to say. No words will ever be clear enough. Leaving nothing at all behind for her will give her nothing to remember me by… she'll have to rack through her brain to remember what she can…because I don't remember my mother. She left when I was 4 and never came back.
So I plan to find a family of my own. I promised myself that no matter what cards God lays for my children, I will love them all equally and never rest one life on the choices of their siblings. No matter if it means that they'll end up back in God's open arms sooner that I love, I'll know that they're better of in those hands than in the hands of these monsters they call Cancer.
I review my promise over and over as I walk up to the front desk at the airport and get a ticket to O'hare. God knows, the Windy City might just sweep my troubles off their feet away to a place I haven't even heard of…leaving me light enough to fly up in the sky if I wanted to, happy and free, up the Anne.
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