Mess Of Me
The stars twinkled above me in the clear Californian sky on an unbelievably starry night and the cool breeze blew over my face as I lay there on the soft grass in partial darkness. My chest was rising and falling in rhythmic motion. Another sigh was carried away by the wind as my lips parted.
I was taking a trip down memory lane again tonight, not even trying to hold back as every memory came flooding back and played out in my mind as if it had happened yesterday. All those little moments, every details, every laugh, every touch, every… Everything.
My eyes were squeezed shut, an involuntary reflex to block out the pain and my fingers were unknowingly stroking the grass beneath them, plucking out a few pieces every few strokes. It amazed me how the thoughts were still so fresh, so painful, so real. As if no time had passed at all.
When it started becoming almost impossible not to cry, I made a weak attempt to temporarily distract myself and opened my eyes, my hands slowly moving to the back of my pocket and yanking out a thin shiny piece of metal. My hands moved quickly as I untangled the earphones and quickly stuffed them into my ears, pressing play and letting the music blare at full volume.
Oddly, though, my thought process still remained undisturbed. Completely unaffected by the music blasting through my ears. The thoughts were hitting me like a tidal rush, slowly beginning to rip me apart. My throat was constricting and my breaths were slowly starting to become heavier. At this point, it was impossible not to cry. I mean, how it could it not be? I was surrounded by living memories, so many of them, at this very moment.
This spot, the patch of grass I currently lay on, was our spot. The spot we had laid on countless times and made so many memories. The willow tree at the end of the park was our tree, engraved with our initials. The swing towards the left was where he would push me while I screamed 'higher' and then jump; he'd always be there to catch me. This was where I had gotten my first kiss, in the pouring rain and then started crying, he had wiped the tear away and whispered; "Is that a raindrop, or a tear?" and then swooped in to catch my lips with his again. This was where he had brought me after one of our dates and told me that he loves me. This was where we would sneak out in the dead of night and hang till 3 in the morning, our parents never finding out. This was where we would always come after a fight and then leave together as if the fight never happened.
This was… our park. It held too many memories, and every time I came here, I felt his presence. The air tasted like him, the grass held his footsteps and wind whispered his name. It felt like he was right here with me. It felt like.. home.
But, of course, home wasn't where I belonged anymore. It was over. He had moved on. It was time for me to do the same.
Seven months, six days and twenty-two hours. This was how long since we had broken up, or rather, since he had dumped me.
"Nick? Why'd you call me here," my voice held a certain amount of worry in it. I did not understand what was so important that he had called me up and told me to meet him up urgently.
His hands were shoved into his pockets and his expression was weary, he was wearing the same look he wore when he had to decide about something. His eyes were slightly apologetic as he grabbed onto my hand and forced me to look into his eyes.
"Miley," he begun and I gulped, not knowing where he was going to go with this.
"We need to talk." He finished, his eyes still boring into mine.
"Yeah?"
"I've been thinking, a lot, lately." He said, his intense gaze never faltered.
"About?" my own voice sounded unsure to me.
"About us. About.. everything. And I've decided something. This isn't working out." He told me, his eyes searching mine for a reaction.
At first, I did not understand. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, we should," he paused and ran a frustrated hand through his curls, "I mean we should take a break." He finished, completing the sentence.
"A break?" I didn't even take his words seriously, a nervous chuckle escaped my lips.
"Yeah. For the summer. Just, this isn't working out right now."
It took me a moment for it all to sink in. He wasn't joking. He was dead serious.
"What do you mean? If.. if this is about the other night, I'm sorry! I was just annoyed and-" he didn't give me a chance to finish.
"It's not about last night, it's about.. everything in general. Cant you see, Miley? This isn't working out. We fight, we argue. I can hardly the last time we went on a full twenty four hours without arguing!" his tone was laced with frustration, desperation and… anger.
"Its just because we're stressed about the finals, Nick. We'll get over it," I told him, my breathing becoming faster.
"No, we wont, Miley," he shook his head at me, "that's why we need a break. Just for the summer, I promise you." He justified.
"No!" I protested, shaking my head menacingly.
"It's the best for both of us."
"How could it be the best when I don't want it? Are you seriously breaking up with me right now?" the words exploded out of me as I shouted, growing angry.
"I don't want to. But it's what's best." He said quietly, his eyes showing signs of remorse.
"BULLSHIT! Nick, what the hell? Weren't you telling me how you loved me yesterday! What brought this on?" I was yelling at this point. I was unable to understand anything he was saying. He was making no sense.
"Miley, calm down first." He gripped my shoulder, "it's just for the summer."
"Just for the-," my head was spinning now and I could almost feel my knees give out, "how do I know you'd still want to be with me after three whole months?" I tried to sound angry but by my tone; it was like I was begging.
"Trust me." He whispered, "just.. please. It's what's best."
"So, it's.. over?" I forced myself to say the words and chewed on my cheek to abstain from crying.
"For now."
Silence fell. His eyes still bore into mine, searching for more emotions. I didn't realize I had started shaking, slowly.
"Mi, please. You know I love you." He almost begged.
I looked away, "yeah, I… understand." I said after a long moment. "Just the summer?"
"Just the summer."
I sucked in some fresh air. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. I'm cool with it. It's just… surprising but.. I'm fine." I lied, I was anything but 'fine'.
He didn't argue though. Because either, he believed me or… he just didn't want to hear anything else.
"I knew you'd understand."
"Yeah, so, we're breaking up, huh?"
"Yeah," he replied after a second.
"I should be crying," I tried to joke, even though I was falling apart inside.
"And I should be muttering the traditional 'goodbye' and walking away." He tried to joke back, but nobody was laughing.
"I guess you should do that, before I.. actually start crying." I told him, half honestly.
"I'm sorry,"
"It's whatever."
"It's just the summer."
"I know," my voice was dead.
"I better go."
"Yeah."
"See you at school tomorrow, Miley?"
"Of course."
He gave me a weak smile, "Take care of yourself."
I just nodded. He noticed my lack of response.
"Yeah, okay, uh, see you then." He muttered awkwardly and gave me half a hug. I didn't respond.
"I love you."
And with that, he was gone.
And then the storm hit. Tears spilled. Screams were heard. Broken sobs. Hair being pulled out of my scalp. More tears.
I was alone. Empty. Heart Broken. Ripped apart. Shattered. Incomplete. And… lost.
Even if it was just for the summer.
I forgot to mention. This was the park we broke up in, too.
That summer, I was a wreck. I had flown out to Tennessee to go see my grandparents. I had escaped; it was cowardly but I needed it. Over the summer, I had convinced myself that the temporary 'break' we were on would be over once the summer ends. And somehow, I had prepared myself to wait. Every night, I'd count the days till September. And when I finally stopped crying every night, I was time to go back.
I came back to be greeted by yet another shock, though. Nick's summer 'breakup' thing was b u l l s h i t.
He moved on.
With another girl.
My best friend.
Selena Russo.
It was funny because neither of them had even bothered telling me over the countless times we had talked in the summer. It was funny because she was the one who told me 'it would work out' and told me to wait for him. It was funny because he had told me that he just needed time to think and that he'd stay faithful to me. It was funny because she was supposed to be my bestfriend and he was supposed to be the love of my life. It was funny because…. It just wasn't funny at all.
It was heart breaking.
Fake promises. False hopes. Broken friendships. Lies. Deceit.
Selena screamed at me and said that I should be more understanding. That I, out of all people, should understand that they just 'clicked' and that love had sees no limitations.
Nick was sorry. I yelled at him for lying to me, for giving me false hopes. For breaking my heart. But he just remained silent and gave me no explanation other than 'it just happened'.
I was told that I was being a drama queen and that I should just get the fuck over it. I was told that I had to choose; it was either accepting their relationship or just hanging on to the past and not forgiving them.
Guess which one I chose.
My group of friends kind of divided into two groups. People who hung with Nick and Selena and people who stayed with me.
My 'group' consisted of a total of two people; Demi Munroe and Joe Gray. Nicks brother.
I was a wreck. A complete wreck. Even my mom noticed, she tried to force me into seeing a counselor but I didn't listen.
A month passed and I was slowly starting to get back to normal. I didn't act like a zombie, for one. And I seemed to have the people around me fooled. But truth was, I still used to go home and cry my eyes out at night after I'd see them in school.
But then, came the real drama, two months ago I found out my parents were getting separated. D i v o r c e d.
It sucked. I hated them for it. I hated to see yet another relationship fall apart. I hated him for not being there to tell me it'll be fine. I hated myself for not being good enough. I hated…. Life.
Sadly, though, I had to suck it up. My dad fled back to the countryside and claimed he needed time to 'think'. I was left with my mom. She tried extra hard to be a 'better' mom and make me happy but I could see through her whole act. Inside, she was falling apart. Just like me.
That was when it got too hard for me to handle. I needed an escape. And that's how I ended up here. In this park. In our park. Even though, it brought along with it painful memories I still felt myself more relaxed here than anywhere else. I could think with a clear head here. It was… my place.. where I felt more closer to my older self. My happier self. When everything used to be okay.
So, here I am today, just like the past countless days, lying on the grass and just thinking. Trying to srot everything out. Hoping. Wishing. Praying; that everything gets fixed.
But I guess that's not possible, huh?
I yanked the earphones out of my ear and got up, dusting my knees to remove the grass. I wiped away the few tears that had somehow managed to sneak out of eye and checked the time.
It was 11p.m
If this was eight months ago, I would get into a shitload of trouble for getting home so late. But, now, my mom doesn't even care if I stay out till midnight. She doesn't ground me anymore either. I'm allowed to do pretty much anything and well, it's almost like she pity's me for being the fucked up child who's parents are going through a divorce and is a heartbroken mess.
And, to be honest, I hated that.
I purposely abided by the rules just so she doesn't feel like she's giving me some sort of unfair advantage or whatever. Because, I fucking hated being the 'victim' when I clearly wasn't.
This was life. Shit happens. Douche bags break your heart. Things don't exactly always work out. People change. Get over it.
I still had to work on the last part of that sentence, though. I had to learn to how to move on. To get over things. Get over him.
And that's exactly what I am going to do.
Pushing out all thoughts from my head, I jogged my way back to the house. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.
Hi, I'm Miley Stuart. Welcome to my life.
Hi, you probably hate me for posting so many new stories but I just cant help myself. I was actually going to write the new chapter of 'We will be remembered' but wrote this instead. Hahah. I don't know what to think of it. And I'm note sure if I'm even going to continue this. I might though, if people like it enough. ;-) leave me a review?
p.s; the summary is the lyrics of 'the Harold song' by Kesha. OBSESSED! Go listen to it! Amazing song.
