He touched me in places I couldn't bear
Told me it was the only way he could love me
I never really liked it, but I could never really say no
To someone so damaged
Sobbing into me while begging me to let him
How could I deny
He needed me in a way no brother should need another
But it was the only way
He was a monster
He told me so
A demon coming to possess a boy like me
He felt no regret for the actions
Only I did
Not in the way one might think though
I don't regret letting him touch me in those unbearable ways
I regret the look in his eyes telling me that it wasn't enough
He needed more of me that I couldn't give
'Not yet old enough' he told me
'Couldn't bear to hurt you like that' he said
That's when I begged
I wanted him to
Maybe it would take the pain from his eyes
I was willing
That's when he did it
It ripped me from the inside
But I let him continue
It was the only way he could love me
And it showed in his eyes how grateful he was
Afterwards he took care to make me better
He help me in his arms in a soothing way he never has before
Thanked me with so much joy I had no choice but to smile back
He told me that he would always be a part of me now
He told me that he was my demon resting deep inside of me and that he would always be there even if he wasn't
I didn't understand at then but I do now
When I found him in the morning laying in his bed
So peaceful laying there
In a pool of his own blood….
I thought that he was happy
He loved me like he was happy
But I guess I wasn't enough
I can still feel him though
Deep within me
My brother
My demon
Along with the never ending pain of knowing that I wasn't enough
The guilt I feel knowing that I caused his death
Only if I could have let him love me more
Only if I could have given more than maybe he'd still be here smiling at me
Telling me what a good job I did
But I wasn't enough
I failed him
The only one who truly loved me
Simply because I wasn't enough
Cold was all he felt when he woke up, cold and numbness. This was the day he had to go back to school. If he didn't he would be sent away for some "special help" as Iruka liked to call it. He wasn't dumb though and he wasn't going to be sent to any hospital. He didn't deserve the help, he would suffer and that's the way it should be. He couldn't have help not after what he's done.
'One step at a time Naruto', he told himself. 'Sit up now. Good. Put one leg over the bed, now the other'. He kept this process up forcing himself to function, to breathe, to act okay. It had been one week, seven days sense the last day of his beautiful existence.
That morning was much like this one a bright sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. He had woken up sore, but hopeful. He couldn't wait to see that happy look in his brother's eyes that he saw a glimpse of the night before. He knew what his did wasn't right, wasn't natural but that was okay. It was okay as long as it brought him happiness, that's all Naruto wanted.
That look wasn't what he found when he opened his brother's door. Far from it. He was met with a sight he'd never forget one he would never let himself forget. His brother was laid flat on his back arms draped gracefully on either side of him. He looked for the first time Naruto could ever remember seeing him, peaceful. His unruly red hair was tossed about in its usual manner, his face free of any sadness Naruto was so accustom to seeing. It was just so peaceful, almost happy, he looked like he was finally set free. Free of that inner demon he talked about so much.
The next thing Naruto noticed was the unimaginable amount of blood. It was unreal that all of that was once in his brother, a part of his brother. It surrounded his body, gently caressing Naruto's only hope, only lifeline. The scene was so unreal, so unbearably untrue Naruto couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't breathe. It wasn't real Naruto knew that, that's why when he approached his brother he did what he did every morning. He laid next to him and waited until he woke up.
Naruto didn't know how long he had been there or why there was a persistent knocking at the front door, but he didn't care he had to wait until his brother woke up. His brother had once told him, long ago, that he hated waking up alone, it scared him. Naruto being five at the time had promised that he would wake up early every day to ensure that his brother never had to wake up alone.
The knocking turned to banging and the banging turned to breaking. A rush of people Naruto didn't know came rushing, but none of that fazed him. He didn't move he stayed right there where he was supposed to be next to his brother. 'Forever and always he had sworn', "forever and always", he mumbled when someone tried to convince him to move.
Iruka came barging in moments later, pushing past the police and coming to Naruto's side. Naruto still didn't move, he couldn't it wasn't real. He had to wait until his brother woke up. He promised, and he never went back on his word. When he felt people pulling him, taking him away from his brother. He fought hard, he couldn't leave, he wouldn't leave, they made him leave. He clawed and bit and scratched until he felt the sharp sting of a sedative against his leg. He blurred and passed out.
Voices were what he heard next, Iruka was fighting with another lady. "No, you can't put him away, he isn't a danger to himself. I'll take him to my house, I'll keep an eye on him." The lady was persistent though going on about how he was laying there for at least two days before anyone found him, going on about the dangers of shock and how once it all hit him she didn't know what he would do. The trauma of seeing something like that could scar him for life. Iruka was dead set though and eventually won the argument once he promised that I'd be back in school starting next Monday and seeing a therapist three times a week minimum.
And so that fateful day was today, if Naruto could make it through school and keep up with his therapy visits he'd be free, wouldn't have to worry about being put away. If he couldn't handle it though, he'd be sent off. Naruto wasn't going to leave, the only thing he had left of his brother was the village, the house, and that demon resting deep inside of him. He knew that if they took him away they would find that demon and take it from him too. He would be betraying his brother if he left and that was not something Naruto was willing to do, no he already took too much. He was the reason his brother died. He just wasn't enough and he would live with that guilt forever. He would cling to his demon, to his brother and he would always be there, always.
