"You deserve more."
More. One word that could mean so much. It could mean quantity. It could mean
quality. It could mean superiority. It could mean anything.
But what did it mean to me?
"You deserve more." Those were the words that haunted me now. I'd tried for more.
I'd tried for quantity and quality, and had failed. Oh, don't get me wrong. Peter was
all that I was looking for in a companion. Attentive, loyal, gorgeous, adventurous,
strong, gentle. I could go on, but that's not the point. I'd tried for more with Peter,
and hadn't found it.
He'd given me more than I'd had before. More attention, more conversation, more
time. More of everything I thought I was after. But the one thing he hadn't given me
was the one thing that I needed more of. And it was something that he could not give
me, no matter how hard he tried.
Because it wasn't his to give.
"You deserve more." Those three words that I misinterpreted. I thought I was telling
myself that I deserved someone else, someone who could give me what he couldn't.
Someone like Peter. But that wasn't what I was saying.
"You deserve more." Three words that were so easy to say, yet to hard to understand.
My 'more' was not Peter, it wasn't anyone else. It was Him. It was more of him.
Not just his loyalty, his silent devotion. It was all of him.
"I deserve more." I said out loud, to Him. He looked at me, his brown eyes solemn
in his weathered face. "I want more. But he wasn't what I wanted or needed." He
blinked, unmoving. I swallowed and finished what I wanted, no what I had to tell
him. "Our careers are important to us, but my life, my heart is more so. We have to
figure this out before there is nothing left for either of us."
He was silent for a long time, staring past me towards my house, towards the empty
bedroom and empty life that I had created waiting. Then he nodded and took my
elbow, guiding me back towards the warmth of the entry way.
"You're right." He said softly before closing the door on the outside world.
"You deserve more." And this time, I intended to get it.
-fin-
More. One word that could mean so much. It could mean quantity. It could mean
quality. It could mean superiority. It could mean anything.
But what did it mean to me?
"You deserve more." Those were the words that haunted me now. I'd tried for more.
I'd tried for quantity and quality, and had failed. Oh, don't get me wrong. Peter was
all that I was looking for in a companion. Attentive, loyal, gorgeous, adventurous,
strong, gentle. I could go on, but that's not the point. I'd tried for more with Peter,
and hadn't found it.
He'd given me more than I'd had before. More attention, more conversation, more
time. More of everything I thought I was after. But the one thing he hadn't given me
was the one thing that I needed more of. And it was something that he could not give
me, no matter how hard he tried.
Because it wasn't his to give.
"You deserve more." Those three words that I misinterpreted. I thought I was telling
myself that I deserved someone else, someone who could give me what he couldn't.
Someone like Peter. But that wasn't what I was saying.
"You deserve more." Three words that were so easy to say, yet to hard to understand.
My 'more' was not Peter, it wasn't anyone else. It was Him. It was more of him.
Not just his loyalty, his silent devotion. It was all of him.
"I deserve more." I said out loud, to Him. He looked at me, his brown eyes solemn
in his weathered face. "I want more. But he wasn't what I wanted or needed." He
blinked, unmoving. I swallowed and finished what I wanted, no what I had to tell
him. "Our careers are important to us, but my life, my heart is more so. We have to
figure this out before there is nothing left for either of us."
He was silent for a long time, staring past me towards my house, towards the empty
bedroom and empty life that I had created waiting. Then he nodded and took my
elbow, guiding me back towards the warmth of the entry way.
"You're right." He said softly before closing the door on the outside world.
"You deserve more." And this time, I intended to get it.
-fin-
