Title: Snow
Author: Sparky8me2
Summary: Connor POV, the boy's confused- living with his biological father, feeling as though he's betrayed Holtz, he stands outside and ponders his place.
Spoilers: Season three of Angel
Disclaimer: Boy's not mine. He and the rest of his family belong to Joss and friends.
Distribution: http://jaceritter.diaryland.com and a few other places- if you want it, go ahead, just let me know where it's going
Snow. We never had snow in Quor'toth. Tiny little crystals. So simple. But I'd never seen anything so fascinating. So beautiful.
It almost distracted me from all the promises I made that have since been broken. I swore to my father- not my real father- the man who raised me, that I would cling to good and lay waste to evil. To Angel.
It's so strange. Even though I know he was wrong about my father and even though I know I'm doing the right thing, I still feel as though I failed him.
Or at least, I think I know these things.
I could be completely wrong. Perhaps I'm being blinded by evil because it's in me. Born of two demons, after all. How could their nature not be passed along to me? And if I am evil, or if I have evil in me, what do I do about it? Can I deny it? Can I fight it? Or will it overwhelm and consume me? Turn me into what I despise most? And if it does, what will be the cost? The lives of innocents? Strangers? Those I hold dear?
I've already turned against Holtz. I know I would even threatened him with weapons to try to keep him from my newfound family. The more I think about that, the more it disturbs me. What part of me is it that is willing to 'protect' these people whom I hardly know from a man who's taken care of me my entire life? The only family I've ever known.
Not only that, but how do I know who to trust? I know I've been deceived, but by who? And where are the deceptions? Angelus's past? His present? My existence? My purpose? Do I trust any of them? I don't know of anyone who can independently provide me with my answers. Not without wondering if they have some stake in it as well. I don't even know whether I can trust my own instincts.
This world doesn't help. This world where people use words rather than just protect the innocent and punish the guilty. Where you don't necessarily have to worry about killing the other guy before he kills you. If it's even a guy. Or a human.
But right now, with stars and moon lighting the sky behind the scattered clouds that drop perfect tiny crystals on my rough palms so I can watch them tiny droplets of freezing cold liquid, I find at least for a few brief moments, I can forget. Who I was. Who I am. Who I may still become.
