Title: Fatherly Love

Author: Sparky8me2

Summary: 1st person POV, Connor reflects on recent events and how he feels about his two dads.

Spoilers: Up to Angel 4.1

Disclaimer: Boy's not mine. He and the rest of his family belong to Joss and friends.

Distribution: http://jaceritter.diaryland.com and a few other places- if you want it, go ahead, just let me know where it's going

That's right, Sparky. Daddy's coming home. And I'm guessing there's gonna be a spanking.

I thought for sure I was gonna die. I was sure Angelus was going to come back and either drink my blood, or break my neck. Devour the son. Fulfill the prophecy. He didn't though. He just... talked. He didn't even shout. Not like Gunn anyway. When he gets angry, the whole block knows. Angel's quiet fury is somehow more terrifying. I guess because I know he's stronger than me.

I love you, Connor. Now get out of my house.

He's not supposed to still love me. I don't understand how or why he could. I don't want him to. He's not my father, I don't need him. I don't want him in my life. He can't take my father's place. Not after what he did. Not after everything I've heard and know. About him. About who he was.

Because I killed Holtz - except I didn't. I tried telling you that while you were busy offshore dumping me, but I didn't know the whole score. - Holtz killed himself. Actually - he had your buddy Justine do it with an ice pick. Just to make you hate me.

I don't believe him. I don't want to. My father would never take his own life. I know he wouldn't. Not for anything.

I miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't. I wish I had been there. I wish I had stopped it. So my revenge on Angelus had to do with my father's first family rather than my own. All I have left are memories- and a piece of paper folded more times than I can count with his handwriting on it, offering words of wisdom and love. He had really neat handwriting too. Not like my own indecipherable hen scratchings.

I wish we had never come here. Life in Quor'toth was hard, and survival was a constant battle, but me and my Dad- we were in it together. That made all the difference. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone. No one to look to for advice, or friendship. If I hadn't been so curious... if I hadn't forced the sluks to show me the cracks to break through into this world... Maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe. I mean, when we left Quor'toth he wasn't well, I know. I don't think we would've had much more time together, and I'm glad he got to see Earth again before he... passed on, but I still feel responsible.

I remember when I was a little boy, before I learned how to take care of us and defend us- when the things that lurked around Quor'toth, especially at night, scared me, I used to crawl into his lap, or huddle up close to him, and he'd tell me about how we came to be together. That God had delivered me to him that he 'might keep me safe- and lavish upon me all the love he could never give to his first children, because he took them from him.' I'd give anything to hear him say tell me that story just one more time. I'd give anything to take back what I said that night- that he had been deceived- that he was wrong, even though I still don't believe my place is with Angelus. I could never believe that. He's a monster.

Mostly, though, I want more than anything in this world and in any other to just be able to tell my father- my real father- one last time that I love him.