Disclaimer: Not mine.
Up for Air
By: Catty Engles
Raven receded farther into herself. Levitating a foot off her bedroom floor, she slowly released any grip on reality she had and immersed herself in her mind.
Reaching farther than before, she felt a rare pleasantness, not happiness, no, that was too strong, but a content feeling that she was getting better. Grasping the edges of her mind and taking them under control was becoming easier, and she noted that even before a minute of meditation passed she became unaware of her surroundings.
Yes, her mindscape, devastated and desolate as it always was, looked blurry but well enough in focus, and she had not even touched her meditation mirror. She was through with shortcuts like those, her emotions had been absent for years now and she knew she was on the brink of sealing them away forever. Soon the world would be safe.
With slight effort she sent her soul self skittering along the perimeters of her thoughts, sealing them into a circle of protection and began her chant, "Azarath Metrion Zynthos." She slipped farther inside herself, and an easy floating feeling overcame her as she repeated her mantra, letting the continual pattern of syllables sooth her.
The suspended feeling was akin to the sensitivity right before slipping off to sleep. Raven didn't ponder the thought for long, only after dismissing the feeling as a sensation rather than an emotion, which could, as she knew from experience, easily get out of hand. Not enjoying, no, never enjoying, but tolerating it, she continued to chant and exercise her control.
Strange that this has never happened before Raven briefly touched on the thought then pushed it away, resuming her concentration. The "sensation," as she was sure it was, ebbed and flowed like the tide and her mind was caught up in the wavelike motion. Peaceful, she let slip her guard and surrendered to it, and stopped chanting
Now beneath the sensation, the atmosphere was muffled as if she was suddenly coaxed underwater. Raven felt the descending shift and submitted to the pull, sinking slowly downward. As she sank the scant light in her mindscape was replaced with a balmy glow emanating from below her. The light seemed to be the origin of the pull and with detached interest; she let herself be led to it.
Raven hovered in front of the source, her soul self's eyes wide. A dark presence threw a shadowy translucence over a warm ball of bright colors. She knew without knowing that these were her emotions, locked away and thrown to the bottom of her metaphorical sea, Raven had found them again. Her mind granted that there were the manifestations of these emotions, however annoying they were, that popped up once every so often in her mindscape, reminding herself she owned them, but these…
They were raw and piercing, brash, loud, and virulent. They were so real, almost tangible, that they had taken on colors and shapes, and if Raven listened hard enough, sound. She squinted at them, so used to dull and monochrome life was she that these were an unexpected intrusion. She gazed at them entranced for a moment longer before the hunger set in.
Her cold and emotionless body was a hard shell of the lusty young girl these emotions presented to her. She was them, but wasn't them at the same time. Raven swayed, hungry for them after so many years, she had never asked where they were or how they got there, taking for granted that they were gone and hadn't come back. She reached for them in her mind and they churned faster underneath the encompassing shield of darkness she had locked them away with.
Raven wanted them. With the last vestiges of expression that was left in her body, she craved them. To feel again? To react again? To live? Raven almost cried out in need, but caught herself in the middle of trying to revoke the magic that held them at bay. Instead she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
She felt a power from these emotions, one she wanted to possess so badly. She raked in a breath, filling her lungs and focused. Her soul self worked quicker and faster, spreading thick and wide across the expanse of Raven's mind. She toiled to create a stronger protective circle, kneading her power into slits and crevices that would have otherwise gone unnoticed for a spell lacking the gravity of this one.
Raven sucked in more air, trying to calm her fluttering heart. Being so near her emotions must have had some unforeseen effect on her. Their vitality seemed to lend themselves to her magic, enhancing her ability and strengthening her resolve, she needed these integral parts of her back.
An idea had occurred to Raven a long time ago. Why condemn her emotions instead of her father? Why sacrifice her life in favor of her mind? Now she was willing to take the risk that the rational Raven (who was not standing a foot from her old life) decided against. She would lock her father in her mind and set her emotions free.
Raven would not wait for preparation, in a way, she had been preparing for this the whole time she had suppressed joy, anger, love, sadness, envy … She had conditioned herself for control and her mind was like a vault that she was just now peeping into.
Completing the protective layer of magic that bounded her entire consciousness, Raven's soul self tucked her legs under her and meditated. Brief flares from the ball of roiling emotions next to her, sensing their impending escape, punctuated the act. Raven ignored them for the last time … she hoped.
Taking one final deep breath, she rallied her strength and began to chant again, "Azarath Metrion Zynthos."
Nothing.
Then…
Pain rippled up her body, contorting it into shapes unnatural and indescribable and still her concentration never wavered. Only a scream ripped itself from her mouth. Her features were distorted with the agony that convulsed her body, sweat ran down her tortured face-
and then it changed.
Anger took the place of pain and both left her panting on the floor, torn from meditation but grasping onto the last shred of consciousness. Only long enough that her ravaged body, in its own form of denial, rejected recent measures. This demonstrated itself by retching and a few dry heaves.
Then Raven rolled away from her mess, already unconscious but smiling.
Happy …
Who would think I would write a Ravencentric fic, certainly not me, but there it is. Not a one shot-chapters of 5-10 range. Thanks for reading, is greatly appreciated, reviews warrant ever greater appreciation.
