Squaresoftian Pie
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Wow do I have a big thing to disclaim. Yeah I don't own American Pie or Final Fantasy or any verbatim quotes that I take from either source.

So yeah, maybe this is a stupid idea, but when you've got a massive case of writer's block and something pops into your head, no matter how stupid seeming, you go with it. If you'd like to flame me, please flame yourself first.

SCENE 1

As the scene opens we see Tidus laying on his bed pleasuring himself while looking at a hentai picture of Dr. Aki Ross.

TIDUS (mimicking a woman's voice): Oh Tidus... you are the best!

TIDUS (in his own voice): Yeah... I know.

Suddenly, Jecht bursts in through the door. He sees what Tidus is doing.

JECHT: Dammit, kid! All you do is sit home all day whacking and crying!

TIDUS (suddenly in tears): I hate you.

JECHT: Go ahead, cry you little cry baby!


Jecht throws a blitzball at Tidus. Tidus continues wailing.

The scene cuts to the main title.

Scene 2

Scene two opens to show Wakka and Tidus walking outside Balamb Garden.

WAKKA: Your dad's nothing but a raving drunk, ya?

TIDUS: Yeah Wak, I know. Hey do you think I should wear this shirt to the party tonight?

WAKKA: Man, you've been wearing that weird yellow shirt and those shorts with the funky "J' for as long as I've known you. I think you should wear anything BUT them, eh?

The scene cuts to Zell and Quistis riding in a car.

ZELL: ...it's a thick envelope, Quisty, you got in.

QUISTIS: If you think so, then just open it.

ZELL (opens it): Quistis Trepe... bla bla bla... we hereby grant admission to the Treno school of foreplay.

QUISITIS: YES! I love you!!!

ZELL: ...right....

The scene changes to show Tidus and Wakka approaching Vincent on a bench.

TIDUS: Hey, Vince, did you finish that Al Bhed homework?

VINCENT: Hu, Cydyh yht Pup Tuma duug so cuim yht cbyd uh ed frah E dneat du tu ed. Yhudran pintah fyc yttat du so cuim.

Tidus and Wakka sit there, dumbfounded.

VINCENT: It means, "No, Satan and Bob Dole took my soul and spat on it when I tried to do it. Another burden was added to my soul."

TIDUS: Oh. How many burdens is that now?

VINCENT: Seventeen billion five hundred seventy two million fifty thousand thirteen.

At this time, Zell walks up.

ZELL: Man, she told me she loves me.

Tidus and Wakka are thrilled. Vincent maintains the same haunted look he always has. Suddenly, Cid Highwind runs up to them.

CID: NOVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey you comin' to my party tonight?

WAKKA: Yeah we'll be there.

Cid runs off. The scene cuts to Quistis and Tifa.

TIFA: ... you're talking about a post-garden, long distance relationship and you haven't even used your whip on him! What do you expect him to drive to Treno for, milk and cookies?

QUISTIS: I will whip him. I just want the perfect time and place.

As the school day begins the scene fades.

SCENE 3

Scene three opens in the Balamb lunchroom. Vincent, Tidus, and Wakka are sitting at the table as Zell dances around going insane about the hot dogs.

TIDUS: Hey guys, Yuna, that Besaid chick, might be at that party tonight. Do you think she'd prefer... *adjusts his hair* Whiny Boy Tidus? Or... *adjusts hair again* Weenie Boy Tidus?

WAKKA: I don't think it matters, eh?

ZELL: ...DOGS!! HOT DOGS!!!! HOT...

TIDUS: Hey, don't get me mistaken, but I'm not the one with the girlfriend who's stuck on third base.

They leave because the author doesn't feel like finishing that part of the scene.

TIDUS: Hey guys, what's third base feel like?

ZELL: Like a warm hotdog....

They all look at Zell bizzarely.

WAKKA: More like a...

ZELL: ... cold hot dog?

Again they look at Zell bizzarely.

WAKKA: ...more like a.... box of chow mein, ya?

TIDUS: That doesn't make any sense.

WAKKA: Yeah, I know.

VINCENT: Well guys, I must once again go in a mockery of life. I hope I die in a tragic car accident while shooting myself and slashing my wrists.

As he starts his scooter, a car accident occurs down the block.

VINCENT: DAMN YOU CRUEL FATE! TOYING WITH ME AGAIN!

The scene ends.

More coming soon!