His eyes.
Those forest green eyes have always been so capable of showing emotion. He was never one of many words, but if you knew him well enough, you could read his entire heart in his eyes. People say eyes are the windows to the soul. I never truly believed that….until I met him.
The stars are so bright tonight. A thousand diamonds spilling across the inky darkness in a constant flow. Just like on the night we first met.
We didn't meet in the best of circumstances. I was barely scraping by as a hired mercenary, trying to forget what happened in Lothering. He was escaping slavery and a past he barely remembered. From the first moment our eyes met, there was a connection between us. Perhaps it was the lyrium that coursed though both of our veins. Perhaps there was a common purpose that united us. But whatever it was, an unspoken alliance was formed. And it was there and then our fates were decided for us.
From the very beginning, it was obvious we would fight like rabid dogs. I was a mage, and he had been tortured by magic for as long as he remembered. The disgust he had for my fellow mages made me confused and frustrated. I tried to make him understand, tried to explain. But how could one explain the beauty of something to someone who has always seen it as an evil? He never truly understood. To the very end, he held on to his belief that magic was a sin. The fiery hatred that burned in his eyes when he spoke of magic frightened me.
There were times when the savage beast was calmed. When the humanity in him came out. In those moments, I was not sure what to think. Who was he, really? Was he a beast or a man? Sometimes he would surprise me with an act of tender compassion, or startle me with a rare laugh. In those moments I would find myself holding my breath as if a single disturbance would disrupt the change in him.
But I was constantly reminded of his true nature. There were just some things that would never change. Our relationship was constantly riding on a wave of emotions; one slip and someone would fall. I knew that one day the illusory world we created for ourselves would fall apart. I couldn't possibly sit and wait for that to happen.
Before he was led away, he looked back at me one last time. If he showed anger, or even bitterness and accusation, I would have been able to handle it. I was prepared for it. But instead, the look he gave me was filled with sadness and hopelessness. It was the look of a defeated man, the eyes of a dead soul. It was as if I shattered his heart with those two words.
Take him.
I looked away first. There was something so truthful about his gaze, and I couldn't bring myself to answer the question he pleaded with his eyes.
Why, Hawke? Why? I trusted you, I thought you were different…
The pouch of coins sat heavily in my hand. A wine-red velvet. The color of love…and of deception. The weight of the money sat heavily on my mind and my heart. It is a burden I would carry all my life.
I told myself it was bound to happen. That if he was in my place, he would have done the same. It was only a matter of time before he turned me in to the Templars. I was simply the one who got there first. Our volatile relationship wasn't meant to last; it was built on a rivalry, and it was fated to end that way. Destiny decided my soul would be the one to be tainted with blood money and betrayal.
I tried to believe myself. Tried to convince myself that it was better this way. But at times like this, in the dead of night, I still wonder if things might have been different for us. If we could have had a chance to be together.
The sun will rise in a few hours, and life will go on. There will ever be demons to defeat and damsels to rescue, for that's just how the world is. And I will have to pick up my staff and charge into the fight, just as I have always done. But he won't be at my side.
They say people are bound to make mistakes. They say there's always going to be one regret that haunts dreams and thoughts until you reach the grave.
For me, it's his eyes.
