A/N:This was written for this year's RS-games on Livejournal & Dreamwidth! :D!Since the fic is almost 11000 words,I've divided it into two parts and will be posting the next half around this week itself!Enjoy guys!
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Slight non-con, language,handjob.
Genres:Angst/Romance/AU
Summary: Sirius has always loved with all his heart. A tale of Padfoot and Moony, a love that never dies in winter, doesn't always bloom in summer, doesn't change with the leaves.
Notes:I've used various quotes and lyrics here hence the credits; Norman Vincent Peale, L&B, Placebo, Muse, Katy Perry, Aerosmith, Eminem, Lana Del Rey, Keaton Henson, Cascada. Adam McKaine is an OC.
Prompt: 3 - "Summertime Sadness" by Lana Del Rey
Memoirs of a Starlight
1996
~I think I'll miss you forever.
Like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky.~
"What do I do, Prongs?" Sirius asks finally. It's been weeks, weeks that feels like ages and every second that still feel like years. He doesn't understand how, why-just…why them? After all this time, after everything. To think that Remus is not here, that he won't be here, with Sirius. How has his life come to this?
It's unbelievable how wrong, how childish all of them still were despite being over thirty years of age. His fingers tighten around the papers, papers with names of children, documents with names of women; papers with the hope of a new life, a family of theirs. A family that would not exist now.
"Sirius." Harry calls softly and Sirius sees the father and son for the first time since Remus.
Since Remus is gone.
Dead.
And when he looks up at them, he can see the tired lines on his best friend's face and undue stress on his godson's features. He sees a look in James's eyes that he hasn't for a decade and when his best friend of a life time comes closer and wraps his arm around his neck, he shudders with the warmth.
"We're here, Padfoot." James does not shed tears anymore now, "We're here for you."
1981
~So much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don't we?~
It can be quite a dilemma when it comes to selecting the right bouquet of flowers for someone admitted in a hospital; you cannot have it be too cheerful but at the same time, the colour scheme of the flowers should not be so muted that they suck the life out of the patients they are meant for.
Personally, Sirius prefers sunflowers but a month before June only allows purples and pinks and more shades of pink to be wrapped with sparkling paper complete with silken ribbon bows. Today he buys the fourth one, throws a customary smile at the witch who returns a sympathetic one and tells him to pass on a 'Hello!' to his brother as always. Sirius does no such thing.
He keeps his pace as fast as he can without seeming rushed or as though he cares about his brother. He enters the hospital, ignoring the witches and wizards in various stages of sickness.
"Excuse me." Sirius says loudly, his heart thudding as has become normal during his visits at St. Mungo's for three-and-a-half-weeks now, hoping for some improvement in his brother's condition. "I'm here to see Regulus Black. Ward 49." He adds so that the witch at the reception will please do her job. His foot taps impatiently as he waits for her to scan through her clipboard, chewing pink gum, flicking her hair a little-all the reasons the hospital certainly does not pay her for. He almost makes a jibe at her awful memory when she nods. Sirius is walking away before she can say 'Fourth Floor'.
Sirius elbows his way into the elevator, careful to keep the flowers in his hand from coming in contact with sweaty patients and green-clad healers. He reaches the designated floor and breathes out heavily before seeking out Healer Heather who eventually lets him in to the ward and begins fussing over the flower as she places them on Regulus's bed-side table. The flowers from last week must be withering away with the coming summer in some bin or maybe on some other patient's table, patients who had nobody to visit them.
"Hey, Reg." Sirius says after he has smiled politely at the Healer, yet indicating that he would very much like being left alone with his brother, "So, nothing's new with you, huh, you little snake?" He hears the surprised hitch from the visitor beside him and rolls his eyes. Talking to Regulus is difficult; on the one hand, their communication is one-sided and on the other, the only words between them had been a combination of deadly curses and slightly less-deadlier jinxes for a while now. He decides to tone down the severity of his pet-names anyway, should the neighbouring visitor call for Healer Heather on case of harassment of the ill.
Sirius sighs and still waits for a response from Regulus and is not surprised when he continues staring vacantly ahead of him as if unaware of the world around him. He swallows painfully as his eyes catch the way his eyes are sunken as if he is already forty, his skin paler than last week, and his hair hanging limply against his shoulders. Regulus would have hated how he's become, if he were aware.
He looks around at the white, tranquil ward with its overpowering clinical smell, the patients hidden behind white curtains and feels dejected just by looking at the frosted windows and all of a sudden he feels suffocated in here. This place, this cool, quiet room seems so far away from the world outside where the temperature is rising, away the war even with its victims like Regulus that Sirius wants to leave the silence but at the same time does not want to go back to a best friend who now is forced to worry about his family (Thanks to Remus, Sirius can't help thinking bitterly), dangerous missions that just end up making him feel even more hopeless every time, and then there is also the issue of Remus.
It used to be worrying before when the werewolf would go two weeks, sometimes three without contact when on his confidential missions and Sirius wishes he had numbed already. He hates Remus, really does but his bloody heart just reacts when he is forced to imagine horrible scenarios, all of which either end up in Remus being killed or him feeling at home at Voldemort's side. If only he could have enough faith in him the way James still does.
So what if Remus hasn't contacted anybody, even Dumbledore for over a month now?
Just goes to show exactly where his loyalties lie; Sirius thinks viciously.
Sirius rubs his face tiredly and decides to go back to the unfinished paperwork lying on his small table at the ministry and turns to Regulus to bid him goodbye until the next Tuesday.
1977
~You're a very special friend to me.
So thank you for smiling during the year and every season.
You truly are a genuine friend.~
It is at the end of September, just after they have graduated from Hogwarts that Sirius is finally excited about doing something to distract him from the impending war as him and James gather up the rest of the boys for drinks in celebration of their Auror training.
It is that night when Sirius eyes up this auburn-haired hunk with stubble a few seats away and feels his body get a little hotter when the man sips on his drink and directs a lustful look towards him.
It is also that night when Remus gets properly drunk with them and ends up telling them that he has a choice between living with his parents and on the streets; meaning none.
Sirius, in an impulsive moment offers Remus the spare room which is really not a spare but for him, he will clear out all the useless junk that has accumulated there. Remus tells him he will think about it and Frank slaps his back with a 'No way, mate, better live with the parents than a maniac.'
They laugh but later on, when Sirius has cornered Remus, he relents and says 'Alright, so I'll come around on Tuesday?' And Sirius nods because he kind of wants to get closer to Remus and feel his body against his when he notices the auburn-haired man's eyes on him. He waits for the others to leave before sliding in to the seat beside the man and misses the clenched fists Remus stalks out the door with.
And with Remus moving in there is a new life and new routine and the old set of heartaches is back resulting from having Remus so close yet out of touching distance.
London goes all breezy and brown and golden and Sirius finds himself falling a little more in love with Remus. Remus who smiles at him, brushes knees with him when he gets up from their shared space on the couch in front of the telly, makes decent dinner and is still looking for a job.
There is this morning in November when Sirius wakes up with a pounding headache to find a hangover potion and a glass of water right within the reach of his hand and downs them both, thanking Remus for existing, coming into his life and tolerating him and his 'adventures'. He lies down and swears as he remembers last night's encounter and having ended up unconscious in the club. So he had wanted to have a go at that drag queen, the lipstick really had gotten to him the first time but once they had started-well-Sirius doesn't want to remember him much.
Remus comes in and-fuck!-opens the curtains. It concerns him when Remus is leaving his room without a smile or a pat on the shoulder so he blurts out asking if he thinks any less of him for wanting to get off with too many men. Remus sits with him then and smiles and everything is alright as Remus explains that he will never have to worry about being taken for granted. It is that easy because he trusts Remus.
1981
~If you must leave, Leave as though fire burns under your feet.~
There is this tension that flows through Sirius's entire being and somehow he also knows that the rest of them feel it too if the way Lily was throwing glares in his direction is any indication.
Remus is back in one piece; if one piece means fresh angry red scars, a broken arm and a perfectly normal demeanour. It really is a day to be joyous and Sirius with his traitorous heart is actually relieved to see him alive and really hates himself for it.
It would have been better, so much better had Remus not returned. Sirius's mind conjures and yet his insides twitch horribly at the thought because Remus with his hollowed cheekbones-had he lost weight?-and brown eyes, really, how is Sirius supposed to live without somebody he has shared almost all his life and soul?
"So where is Peter, actually?" Remus asks curiously and looks at them for an answer as if he is trying to make Peter's absence seem suspicious somehow. It angers Sirius and his grip on his fork tightens. Fuck! Why had he even thought that this Remus is still the same old Remus?
War changes people. Sirius's mind tells him but is thankfully saved from letting his anger out as James answers.
"He's swamped with work from the Ministry at the moment." He rubs his glasses on his sleeve and puts them back on, "All that paperwork recently."
"Yeah." Sirius suddenly says, looking directly at Remus who is surprised for a fraction of a second at being addressed by him before masking his features, "You know, since all the Death Eater and werewolf attacks that have been going on recently. They've really gone up in number, have you noticed that?" He asks everyone conversationally, his eyes not leaving Remus's face. James's eyes are trained on both of them and Sirius can see Remus gripping
his fork tightly before lowering it on his plate and push his chair back to stand up.
"Well, thanks for the lunch, Lily. James." He nods at him and pushes away from the table, "I think I overstayed my welcome."
Immediately Lily stands up too protesting but all James does is look at Sirius and he ignores it in favour of the chicken on his plate that has gone horribly cold and rubbery now. He sees Remus moving towards the hallway to leave in his peripheral vision when the werewolf whips around as Lily grabs hold of his arm.
"No." Sirius can see those beautiful eyes glowing and he's so ragged and he wants to touch him so much, it really is unreal.
"Stop it, alright." Remus says and looks at all three of them, "You don't have to pretend-"
"Remus-" Lily starts but withers under the look he gives her and when he looks up, Sirius feels something crushing his heart because he realises that he is really the one who is responsible for that expression on Remus's face; an expression that he is not sure has a word for it. His entire being is now a mixture of hurt and anger and defeated shoulders but he straightens himself and looks them in the eye furiously and Sirius can't help but feel a little proud of him. He is reminded of the boy Remus started to be in their later years at Hogwarts.
"It's not like Sirius is the only one who believes that I've gone over to the dark side. It makes sense, I guess Moody's done his job well." He throws that at Sirius with an almost-sneer and Sirius, despite the situation wants to laugh. This was not how things were supposed to go. Remus was supposed to feel the need to explain everything, all of the truth, the truth where he would admit that he was in fact not a follower of Voldemort.
"Moony." It is James who speaks up finally, "I don't know about Sirius, but I know you-" He looks at Lily, "-You would never hurt any of us." There is a tense silence where everyone is looking at Remus and he in turn is locked in a staring contest with James when Harry's sudden cry from his room breaks the moment and Remus leaves without saying good-bye.
Sirius follows after the werewolf to avoid the death-glares from Lily and disappointment on James's face. In angry strides he reaches Remus's room to find him throwing everything he owns into a duffel bag.
"Oh, look at that." Sirius exclaims loudly, "The big bad wolf running away." Remus does not even look at him, continuing to pack but the tense line of his shoulder is visible and Sirius has always been good at doing the wrong things at the wrong time.
"What, not gonna tear into me? I'm good-looking, and young. Aren't we supposed to taste better than some-"
"Stop it, Sirius." Remus's controlled voice sends an excited chill down his spine and Sirius grins at his next words, "You don't know what you're doing."
"Oh yeah?" Sirius walks up to Remus, his body jittering in anticipation; he knows this, he has seen this Remus only once in Sixth Year and this Remus is ready for a fight. "A compassionate werewolf? Look at that, isn't this the day-" He has barely a moment to dodge the incoming hit but now that the fire is settled in Remus's eyes, Sirius does not hold back.
At the end of their scuffle, Remus has pinned him to the floor, readying his fist but he ends up punching into the floor beside Sirius's head. They are both panting and things are already so terribly bad between them that Sirius honestly believes that nothing in the world can make things worse.
Which is why as Remus brings up his bruised hand to clutch at Sirius's shirt, he frees a hand from the werewolf's loose grip and reaching up pulls his head down for a kiss. The moment their lips touch, Sirius doesn't know who gasps like the air has been knocked out of them or like their entire body is made of thousands of fireworks but what he does know is this is his only chance.
It gets even better when Remus himself responds to the deepening kiss and their lower bodies rub against each other. Sirius can feel the shudder in the werewolf's body and the trembling of his own hands; he realises what this could mean and that's scares him more than anything else because…
Remus pushes away, lips red, eyes dark and shock marring his features. He then stands up speedily, grabs the leftover clothes, zips his bag and practically dashes away in a matter of seconds.
The bang of the front door closing brings Sirius back and he blinks up at the ceiling. His hand automatically comes up to brush his lips that tingle. It is so incredible that after five years of thinking of this moment…he shakes his head and sits up and as he does, his canine senses immediately notice the lack of Remus's scent.
As he looks around the messy house minus Remus's flung over shirt or a lost sock, something in him shatters a little because it really feels like the end of Padfoot and Moony when they never even got a chance to be more than that but he is relieved at the same time. If Remus can run away from them, so can he.
~My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive.~
It happens suddenly as the attacks are wont to do these days, except that no one had expected Death Eaters to come out in the light of the day and murder an important family of purebloods like the McKinnons.
Sirius heads into the fight with James at his side leaving Frank to send off signals and emergency radio calls for backup. Their masked opponents are mostly trying to avoid any more damage and make their escape before too many Aurors show up although far too many of them were dispatched around the borders or Albania. It is when Sirius hears a familiar cackle that he adorns a manic grin knowing just who is behind that hood and this fight is his.
It isn't until he somehow throws hexes, deflects curses and reaches Bellatrix that he sees a familiar shock of red hair nearby and reels in fear as he spots Remus with her, battling intensely. It is that moment when Bellatrix sees Sirius and sends an unknown jinx his way. He dodges the first and fires back until they are locked in a fight of unknown curses.
Suddenly he steps back and feels something hit his leg and he loses his balance as a jet of yellow is aimed at him. What he does not expect is Remus's body barreling into his and deflecting the shot in the last minute and take the brunt of the powerful curse as he is thrown back.
No…No! Sirius lets out an angered cry and reacts, casting hexes madly. Then almost as if planned, the death Eaters hiss, some cry out, some clutch their left arms and then begin Disapparating. Sirius can hear Frank's shouts, asking them to detain the Death Eaters but he is already pushing his way and hurrying to where Remus is standing up, clutching his head from where blood is freely flowing.
"I'm fine, it's nothing." Remus tells him as soon as he reaches out his hand unconsciously to touch the gash. Sirius scoffs and looks for Lily and finds her already performing healing spells on James and another trainee.
"It's not nothing." Sirius tells him and motions for Lily to come over and looks directly at Remus in the eyes for the first time in weeks and is grabbed by a want to wrap his arms around Remus because…
"It's not a big deal, let's not make it one." Remus says as if reading his mind and rolls his eyes as Lily starts fussing over his injury. Sirius is not listening though because Remus had saved him, Remus just risked himself for him. After everything…why?
It's the blood and gore that are carried out of the house that bring Sirius back to reality and although he has seen too much of the war already, this however makes his knees weak. He hears Lily's gasp and Peter's squeak and is glad that he is not the only one affected by the mess of bodies-no doubt Bellatrix's work-and the hovering Dark Mark in the dying rays of the sun. The world doesn't look so beautiful anymore.
Lily goes home and somehow James manages to gather the four of them and they are all walking, wary but alert, led by James with Sirius at his side. It is the four of them, the Marauders, almost a relic of the past now and Sirius feels something move in him; it is one of those feelings that make his throat ache. They do not look back as they reach the clean park that is already silent and void of people.
James takes his place on the grass and lies down with his arms tucked behind his head, a strange smile on his face. The rest of them take his lead without questions as though doing so will break the tranquil atmosphere around them. Sirius finds himself between James and Peter with Remus on Peter's other side, there is a moment of disappointment with their arrangement but then James clears his throat.
"We're alive." He says and all three of them turn their heads towards him. His voice takes on an anguished edge, "That could have been us. Today-"
"Prongs-" Sirius starts but James overrides him with a fierce look at all of them as he sits up. The leftover sun rays hit the side of his face and he looks all hard angles and determination. In another time and place, Sirius muses, he might have fallen for James Potter; his best friend really grew up a good looking bloke.
"It could have been us." James repeats, "Harry and Lily. Or Wormtail and his siblings. Padfoot or Moony."
"And my parents." Remus adds softly, looking up at the purple-orange sky. Sirius's heart lurches a little at the thought that Remus could have died. He does not want to be melancholy, there has been too much of it for months now so he too sits up and plucks a blade of grass to chew on it.
"Yeah, but it wasn't." He replies, "It could have been. But we're here." He makes sure to look at all of them, "We're alive. The four of us." He almost feels like James when he says that but he means it. Remus's eyes are intense, Peter's are wide as if scared but determined as they have been since the war began taking people they knew and James's for once are full of a genuine laughter. He feels himself wanting to smile when Remus's words distract him.
"The invincible Marauders, eh?" He smiles and Sirius can see the hint of make-believe in those eyes but he realises that that's all they are good for anymore; make-believe.
"Yeah." James replies and they are all quiet as they feel their possibly-limited heartbeats, shirts clinging to their back as the last vestiges of summer finally seem to pass with vengeance. For a while they are fifteen again, worrying about girls, a boy and pranks.
The world is moving on but they are here, alive and real in the present.
~End of part I~
