Warnings: Spoiler for episode 1.18, "Something Wicked," and 1.22 "Devil's Trap."
A/N: Just something that came to mind after watching the episode. The first Supernatural anything I've ever attempted, and feedback would be appreciated!
Just a drabble.
---
Not because he was disappointed, but because that was when he realized no matter how grown up Dean acted that he was still a child. Before then, when John looked at Dean he saw a kid who had grown up entirely too fast and now held just as much of the burden, if not more, of holding the family together as he himself did. Dean's image had become blurred in his mind until he was a "little soldier" who could handle anything.
Dean wasn't.
Dean wasn't perfect. He never would be, but he would damn well try when Sam was concerned. As John kneeled on the bed holding Sam close to him in relief he saw the self-hate that appeared in Dean's eyes. He wished, more than anything he could bring back the childish innocence that had started to disappear when Dean was just 4 years old.
Dean didn't deserve this.
John had no doubt that this was his own fault. That he should be there for his kids, and that's what Mary would have wanted. But he couldn't let her memory go. He couldn't stop, not after he realized just what this world contained. A part of him would always hate himself, for protecting other children while leaving Dean to protect himself and Sam.
He should have reached out to Dean.
But he stayed, kneeling there over Sammy and looking away from Dean. He couldn't change what their lives were now. He couldn't make things different. So he stayed, hoping Dean would realize one day that he did it because John loved him. That Dean would realize John didn't reach out to him like a father should because he knew that the experience would make Dean that much more of a soldier.
It would make him that much more of someone who could—and would—survive.
Later, John would call on that memory for strength. As he stared into the barrel of the Colt Sam held over him it was that much easier for him to ask for death. It was that much easier to wish for it all to end. He watched Dean from his body as the demon tortured him and his hate for the Demon grew. But what he really wanted to do was to save Dean. So he told Sam to kill him, to end their suffering, to hope that afterwards Dean would get to return to the life he deserved.
The life John was never able to give him.
It was almost surprising to him that when Dean was pinned against the wall he was asking for John to save him. And John fought against the Demon with everything in his will, because he owned Dean for taking his childhood, his life, everything, away from him. The look on Dean's face was one that John never saw anymore, one he hadn't seen for years: vulnerability. As the blood reddened the fabric of Dean's shirt John knew that it was too late for him to reach out as a father.
Instead, he would be his protector.
---
I was actually thinking of expanding on this and stuff later…but I'm not sure if the characters are even IC…and bah. Okay, I'll stop rambling now!
