You have no idea. The more her words echoed through his aching head, the more heavy he felt. What your friendship. Sitting in his car with nothing but the sound of his own breathing to comfort him and the repetition of painful phrases to torture him. Means to me. It hurt so badly that it was benumbing the rest of his emotions, sitting in the driver's seat with the keys in the ignition and the engine off, listening to the memory of what had just happened. I can't. Every time he felt those two words, the pulse of his heart grew more intense. I'm really sorry. The glow of the dashboard, the illuminated speedometer and the other various indicators of the car's functions, threw light on his face, a picture of a key in the ignition blinking green in the bottom right corner. If you misinterpreted things.
Jim turned the keys to the right a little. The radio flashed on, and the sound of a soft acoustic song of forgotten love created a medley with his heartbeat, his hot breath, and the muted sound of his sparse tears.
He wanted to leave. He wanted to turn the engine on completely, back out of the parking lot of Dunder Mifflin, go home, and make the arrangements to transfer somewhere that could make him forget about his addiction to every gesture of Pam's he had memorized. Her big, open-mouth smile when they had successfully pulled off a scheme against Dwight together. That laugh of her's when he said something mildly amusing. A little glance she'd give him when she noticed him walking over to the reception desk as if she was pretending to not notice him. If a lock of golden brown hair fell away from behind her ear, and she'd unconsciously tuck it away again. When she had something good on her mind that she couldn't say out loud, and her eyes would get big as she restrained a smile through tight lips.
He wanted to forget how perfect she was. He wanted to believe that he could.
But even now, he knew where she would be, where he could find her. He knew her well enough to know that she'd be up alone in the dark office, trying to sort out her thoughts as she never trusted herself. And while his rejected heart begged him to ignore his instincts, the part of him, all of him, that loved her couldn't turn away now. If for no other reason, he wanted to go up to the office to comfort her.
Before his reason could tell him otherwise, the keys were in his pocket again, he was back in the building, and he was taking the stairs up to the office.
What could he say to her? Was there anything left to say? He felt so empty at the thought of her marrying him, he wasn't sure if he had any words left inside of him. His heart began and ended with Pam, and even "I'm in love with you" didn't properly suit how much he never stopped thinking about her. How he knew that the cameras caught his stares of longing, his love-filled smiles, and yet it didn't matter to him.
He came through the hallway, and heard her sweet voice fade into audible volume. Pausing at the door, he listened to the sound of her speaking to some presence-less person. The words slipped through his ears. All that mattered to him was hearing her speak. Hearing her voice flutter between breathlessness and explanations.
"Yeah, I think I am," he heard her say weakly. He couldn't just stand there. Hearing her voice like that made his stomach shrink and his heart quiver. She was truly irresistible. Not even aware of what he would say or do, Jim moved forward, his hands shoved in his pockets.
"Um, I have to go. I will," Pam said curtly into the phone, hanging up as soon as she spotted him entering the room. Some invisible force pushed him towards her across the dark office, dimly lit by purring computer monitors. His eyes were on the carpet moving quickly beneath him.
At that moment, he understood that there was only one truth in his life, only one thing he could count on.
He remembered every moment with her. The day Pam fell asleep on his shoulder, and how such a simple gesture made his entire day into something bright. The day that Dwight asked him to be in alliance, and Roy finding Pam and him laughing together reminded him that he couldn't feel this way about her. The day Katy came to the office, and how he unsuccessfully tried to move past his feelings for Pam by dating someone else. The night of the Dundies, and how something as meaningless as a drunk kiss meant so much to him. The day Pam's mom visited the office, and the way hearing a whispered phrase ("So which one is Jim?") could give him hope again. The day of the fire, and how it reminded him that he would never care for Katy like he did for Pam. The day that Michael and Dwight fought, and the pain he felt when Pam pulled away from his playful embrace. The day that Michael left the office to meet a client, and his romantic first "date" with Pam on top of Dunder Mifflin's roof. The day of the Christmas party, and how seeing Pam's reaction to his gift to her made the entire holiday unforgettable. The night of the Booze Cruise, and how Roy setting the date for the wedding, seeing Pam kiss him with a big smile, crushed every hope he had bared to hold onto. The day that Michael practically announced to the office that he had a crush on Pam, and the lie he told himself as well as her ("I used to have a crush on Pam, and now I... don't."). The day he had to switch desks, and the hurt he endured just watching Pam dote on Roy all day. The day he realized that he couldn't face the idea of attending Pam's wedding, and how he scheduled a trip to Australia just so he wouldn't have to. The day of Michael's birthday, and the way he guided Pam's hand as she got used to ice-skating.
Everything. It had brought him to this, to this realization. No matter what the situation was, no matter how little hope there was, no matter how much is hurt, no matter where he was, and no matter what happened... he would always love Pam.
"Listen, Jim..." she began. His hands glided around the small of her back. He leaned in, and kissed her with everything he had ever felt for her. The sweetest, softest kiss he ever had. And as her hands slid upwards and tangled in his hair, he could've sworn that the rest of the world withered away completely. They were the only two left in the office, in the building, in Scranton. This was the moment that every other day of his life beforehand was leading to. The one moment he could say everything else was forgotten. Just this moment.