A/N: Hello hello! This is my very first attempt at fanfiction, and I must admit I'm quite a bit nervous. I'm not one to put my writing out there for the world to see. Ever. However, I really enjoy writing my favorite scenes from movies and TV shows in my own words. It's kinda like a character study, really. What I think is going through their heads at the time. So, after watching Face the Raven and bawling my eyes out for a disturbing amount of time, I decided to write down what I figured was going through Clara's head as she said goodbye to the Doctor. It was also an attempt to help me say my own goodbye to my favorite companion. (Didn't really work.) Anyhoo, hope you all enjoy, and if you'd be so kind as to tell me what you think, I'd appreciate it. Here's to our Impossible Girl.
"You."
He looked up from the floor slowly. He knew what was coming, I could see it in his eyes. The dread.
Ignoring the sting in my heart at the heartbreak in his eyes, I took a step toward him. "You listen to me." I waited until he locked his eyes on mine before I continued. I needed to know that he listened. It was the most important thing in existence that he heard me now. "You're going to be alone now. And you're very bad at that." My voice shook and broke. I could barely stand the thought of him being on his own. "You're gonna be furious, and you're gonna be sad, but listen to me, don't let this change you."
He opened his mouth like he was going to protest. "No, listen," I insisted. "Whatever happens next…" I glanced over at Ashildr, and she was watching us with regret screaming out from her face. But I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive her. This may be my fault for being so reckless, but it was she who put it in motion. And it was going to crush my best friend.
"Wherever she is sending you," I said, looking back up at the Doctor. "I know what you're capable of." He'd burn it. His rage and grief would turn the skies fiery orange and he wouldn't stop. Not until every single being in the universe shared in his pain. "But you don't be a warrior. Promise me."
He glared at me with red rings around his eyes, like he was angry with me for taking away his one escape of the pain he knew was coming. The pain he was already feeling.
I returned his glare with one of my own. "Be a Doctor." Be you.
"What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?" he whispered roughly.
"Heal yourself," I said, and he breathed out a ragged breath. "You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise. I'm giving you an order."
He looked away from me with a furious glint in his eye. "You will not insult my memory," I insisted, drawing his attention back to me. "There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here, or anywhere, will suffer."
The Doctor's face crumpled the slightest bit more. He looked at me with the eyes of the frightened, lonely child I found in that barn all that time ago. "What about me?"
My heart broke, shattered. Because of all the suffering that he could bring down on anyone he deemed responsible, I knew it was nothing compared to what he would feel. And that was the one thing I couldn't save him from, no matter how much I wished I could.
I forced a smile and a light shrug. "If there was something I could do about that I would." I would absolutely move mountains, move planets and whole solar systems if it would save him from this. He, of all people in the history of everything, deserved to be spared. But of course he would be the one to feel the blow the most. "Guess we're both just gonna have to be brave."
He looked away from me, eyes darting here and there around the room. Trying to think, trying to come up with something. Anything.
And I saw it the moment he finally gave in. Those blue eyes crumpled with agony that ripped at my heart. "Clara-" he gasped.
No. Before he could utter the words that would tear me to pieces, I threw my arms around his neck and held on as tight as I could. His own arms constricted around my waist, fingers desperately clinging to the fabric on the back of my shirt. He buried his face in my shoulder, and I felt him exhale a shaky breath. I clenched my eyes, willing myself to be strong for him. Just for a moment longer.
"Everything you're about to say," I whispered, voice trembling. "I already know." He grasped at my back a little tighter, nestled his face against me. Oh, Doctor. I pressed my cheek against the side of his neck and held on to him a little tighter. "Don't do it now. We've already had enough bad timing."
It's not that I didn't want to hear it, it's not that I wasn't yearning for him to tell me he loved me, that he'd miss me, that he'd remember me. I just didn't want to hear it like this, with both of us trying to hold the other together in a hug that was too desperate. Like we were trying to make up for all the hugs we'd missed out on because we thought we had more time. So much more time.
I wanted to tell him, though. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how essential he was to me, at the core of my being. And oh how it was ripping me to pieces knowing that I was breaking his hearts, how hurt he was. And I was so terrified to leave him like this. Would he be okay? The one after me, would they take care of him? Would they love him the way he deserved? Would he even let them?
The caw of the raven startled both of us apart. The Doctor's hand clenched on mine, and I held his just as tightly, staring out the window. My heart was racing, my chest tight, like I couldn't get enough air. Oh God I was scared. I looked up at the Doctor, soaking up his familiar face. I never told him I loved that face, maybe even more than I loved the previous one. But it was crumpling with pain, and I felt my tears escape down my cheeks.
"Don't run," he whispered. "Stay with me."
I couldn't help but smile. That had been the plan. To stay with him forever.
But I shook my head. "Nah," I said as lightly as I could. Though everything inside me was yearning to beg him to hold my hand until it was over. "You stay here. In the end everyone does this alone."
His eyes widened and he clutched my hand painfully tight. "Clara-"
"This," I interrupted shakily. "This is as brave as I know how to be." I really didn't want to do this alone, but I could ask him for this. I had to be brave, for his sake. "And I know it's gonna hurt you but… Please, be a little proud of me."
He just looked at me with the ghost of a smile. Like he wanted to be proud of me, and part of him was. But more of him was breaking, I could see it. And I couldn't stand it.
I reached out and cupped his cheek with my hand, smiling when he leaned into it just the slightest bit. I rubbed my thumb under his eye, hating the redness ringing the blue. He gently took my hand away from his face, enveloping it in both of his and lacing our fingers together. With a tenderness that made my heart throb unbearably, he pressed a kiss to my knuckles, holding my gaze desperately. Memorizing it, just as I was with his.
"Goodbye, Doctor," I whispered, and his eyes flashed with the same agony that made it impossible for me to breathe. His fingers clutched around mine, but before he could cling too tight, I stepped away and pulled free of his grip with as much gentleness that I could. And I turned away and forced my feet to take me toward the door without looking back. If I did, I was afraid I might not be able to pull away from him again.
My hands were shaking so uncontrollably that it was a wonder that I managed to open the door, but too soon I was out on the street. I was very dimly aware of all the fleeing residents, the shouts and crying. All my attention was now on the black bird flitting down the street, cawing. Its black eye was trained on me. Desperately trying to breathe through the constricting terror, I forced myself into the street, towards the bird.
I felt rather than heard the door open behind me, felt the Doctor's eyes boring into my back. Of course he didn't listen to me.
"Let me be brave," I murmured with my eyes still on the raven when all I wanted was to turn and look at the Doctor for as long as I was able. "Let me be brave, let me be brave." Please stay where you are, don't follow me.
The raven leapt into the air, soaring right toward me. I sucked in a ragged breath, heart racing out of control, and held my arms out like I was going to embrace the animal. I squeezed my eyes shut just as it gave one last deafening shriek and dove into my stomach.
So there you have it. Sorry for the awkward ending, I really couldn't force myself to write the rest of what happened. So, thanks for reading, and if you'd like, pop on by to the reviews and tell me what you think!