Lost Kitten

Opening: Kururugi Suzaku – II Years Post Requiem

It felt like choking in a way, though he knew he was fine due to the warmth of his own breath as it bounced back at him and washed over his cheeks. However even as the sensation reminded him that he was alive and well, ironically enough the air escaping his lungs really only proved to torment him all the more in the end. It made him recall just what he longed for in its stead after all, and that was nothing if not simply to die. So, as he choked on the humid oxygen inside his mask, Kururugi Suzaku wondered if his curse would ever let him rest.

As far as he could tell he was essentially doomed to "live" until his body gave out of its own accord (if not forever) no matter what he wanted for himself. So, how long would he continue to struggle onward?

He wondered what would happen if and when the final day came; would he grasp helplessly toward the will to live?

Would he be alone?

Alone; that was a word which had been haunting Suzaku more so than ever before as of late. It was like a mantra for him, that one little word, playing over and over in the back of his mind so he could never forget just where he stood in this world. The mere notion had often made his stomach twist in pain at quite a few especially inconvenient moments and for once he found himself truly glad to be hidden beneath the mask of Zero.

Suzaku just wished that the damn thing didn't have to smell so...

Well, it didn't really matter now.

He glanced down at the young girl to his immediate right; Nunnally sat in her chair looking fragile in physique and yet determined and strong in demeanor. For Suzaku it was an encouraging sight to behold. He felt a small swell of pride grow in his chest and caught himself thinking that he wasn't the only one who would be smiling on that day if things had turned out differently.

Suzaku mentally scolded himself as the thought passed however. After all, he knew better than dwell on something he could not change. He was well aware that he would never be able to rewrite history, wasn't he?

Restless was a word for what Suzaku was feeling, but somehow it was far more than that at the same time. His legs twitched irritably like he was dying to run, but he had no idea where he wanted to go. He was edgy and jumpy and frequently lost in thought, so of course people were beginning to notice that Zero was acting rather peculiarly.

In response, he was forced to take special care to sound as passive and authoritative as possible; how he thought the real Zero would've.

However, even that thought alone (despite how vaguely he had tried to word it) struck Suzaku rather hard, and he had to abruptly excuse himself from a conference room full of curious on-lookers who would speak of his actions later, no doubt.

Of course, all the while, as he trudged through the long hallways at a quick pace, the boy berated himself plenty for allowing his mind to get the best of him. He didn't have the privilege of being sad after all, he wasn't supposed to mourn anyone.

Suzaku was cursed and he just had to grin and bear it.

He had promised as much, hadn't he?

So, why was this turning out to be so very difficult?

Two doors greeted him as he rounded a corner, placed grandly at the end of one particularly vast hall. Suzaku pushed them apart so he could slide into the familiar cold darkness of his private chamber. No one was allowed inside with the exception of Nunnally, so as to preserve their secret that was, so here he felt at least somewhat safe. And with the lights faded, curtains closed, and sunlight blocked out by the solid wooden entrance, Suzaku whipped Zero's mask from his head in one swift moment.

Even as the cursed thing collided with the floor in an unexpectedly rough manner, he just could not find it in himself to care.

Or rather, Suzaku actually relished the loud cracking sound it made.

"Fuck," he bit out in a forceful whisper.

It had been long enough, he thought; Suzaku was bordering on his 21st birthday after all, he'd had more than enough time to wipe his conscience of all these dreaded thoughts and emotions. As far as he was concerned he should've been able to forget all the useless memories by then. This sort of thing happened to people every day as it was, didn't it?

So why was he still waiting for someone who was long gone?

Suzaku felt a heated rage well up in his chest and slammed a hand into the wall he was leaning against.

When he pulled it back he silently made note to tend to his clearly injured knuckles later on.

"You're already gone," he choked out, forcing back a sob. "You've been gone and I thought once there was no turning back I could finally forget…"

Lelouch's gentlest smile flashed through Suzaku's mind and he crouched down in reflex. His forehead still pressed against the wall, he clutched the fabric covering his neck and forced himself to picture that one very familiar face, though he felt the need to scream in response. With all that he had memorized of his friend he pieced together the face of the prince who had left him behind to suffer, finding it frighteningly easy to imagine the way Lelouch had used to look at him.

Then for a moment he was stunned; before he knew it, he realized it there were tears dripping from his chin leaving tiny circular stains on the floor.

It was too late then, of course he couldn't stop now.

Even if Lelouch himself had thought that he didn't deserve to be mourned, Suzaku at least had to cry for him. In the long run it was really more for his own sake anyway, as selfish as that may have been.

But he had lost something valuable and irreplaceable on that day too, and ultimately Suzaku would've much rather he'd lost his life instead.

Unfortunately, that was a given.

"Sorry Lulu, even though I promised not to… I'm such an idiot."

AN: dramatic teasers are key okay? Take notes.. this whole thing may just be dropped who knows, as for the moment I will post it as "complete" since I may just keep this as a oneshot anyway… so this is my first post in a while and of course it's suzalulu, since they just keep drawing me back in! mostly on tumblr, but I also have another piece of code geass in the works which may or may not ever be finished. For now it's entitled "How (not) to Avoid Marrying Your Best Friend" which speaks for itself im sure.

If I do decide to add on to this it will be cry worthy hopefully so strap in! the other one is more humor though so I should crank that out too, huh?

So, enjoy suzaku's brooding for now I have a lot of notes for the next few parts so I will try to get that done as soon as I can force myself to focus on one goddamn project! Later chapter will definitely make this story rated M so know this now for sure!

EDIT - Sept. 2nd, 2014

hey guys! i was going over the opening to see if there were any mistakes and i noticed that i wrote crotched instead of crouched and i just started cracking up and was like "damn i really need to change that, thats pretty terrible" so while i was at it i did some other editing too!

to new and old followers;

thank you for reading, i hope you enjoy the rest!

- fae