You Gotta Stand It
It was like a replay of his life so far immortalized on the movie screen, the setting was of course different but the story was almost identical. Could he really be like Ennis Del Mar, afraid to take a chance on something that meant so much, afraid to take a chance on his own Jack Twist.
"We can get together- once in awhile, way the hell in the middle of nowhere but…"
"Once in awhile…ever four fuckin years?"
"If you can't fix it Jack you gotta stand it."
"Fer how long?"
"Fer as long as we can ride it."
"Nick are you ok?"
"Oh yeah, Carly I'm fine." He told his girlfriend of two years as they exited the theater.
"I am glad you came, most men wouldn't sit through unless they were gay." She laughed.
"Of course." Nick mumbled.
"So did you like it, be honest."
"I did, it was uh…eye opening."
"It was more than eye opening Nick it was beautiful and tragic. How can someone go through life loving a person so strong and throw it away because of fear?"
"I don't know." Nick whispered, but he knew.
Flashback Five years ago
Nick was not too sure if he'd ever go to another conference ever again, he was
just barely a level one and Grissom was already sending him to these hellish things. Catherine had warned him they were horrid, but Grissom said he'd learn from it. All he had learned was that San Francisco was full weirdoes and he's take Las Vegas any day. Even weirder were some of the CSI's he had met, and most were leagues above him. The biggest thing though was the twenty something kid that had given a speech that morning on DNA analysis. The kid was still in college and there he was speaking at a high profile conference. Nick had to admit the kid, Greg Sanders, that was his name was smart, smarter than a twenty something should be. People were impressed though, and Nick knew he would be getting a job anywhere he pleased.
"Hey mind if I sit?" Nick looked up and there he was in all his glory, DNA super genius Greg Sanders.
"No, go ahead."
"Greg Sanders nice to meet you." He said as he held out his hand for Nick to shake.
"Nick."
"You got a last name Nick?"
"Stokes."
"Well pleasure to know you Nick Stokes." He grinned and Nick wondered why this guy was so danged happy. "You look like you could use a drink."
"Been to the bar already."
"Awww hell no this hotel bar ain't nothing compared to what Frisco has to offer, how about it?"
"Sure." He shrugged. The day was over and Nick did want to get drunk, and Greg did know the city.
Later he found himself pushing Greg down on his bed as they kissed frantically, desperate to pull off each other's clothing. Nick knew he wasn't gay, but Greg felt too damn good and he was way too drunk to care.
The next morning Nick felt like he had been by a semi truck, twice and he could not understand why his body was so warm. It was then he saw Greg curled up next to him he remembered. Oh shit. He got up slowly not wanting to wake him, he'd hide in the lobby until he was sure Greg was born.
"Hey about last night…"
"It was a one time thing…I'm only here for one more day."
"It's nobody's business but ours."
"I ain't queer."
"Me neither."
"Good, we are clear then?"
"Crystal."
But later that same night Nick was sober as he let Greg kiss him and sober when they fell on bed and very sober when he called out Greg's name as he came. He left San Francisco the next day knowing they would never meet again.
End
It didn't quite work that way though and three years later they met again at the most unlikely place, the Las Vegas crime lab.
Flashback three years later
"Hey Rick where are you headed?"
"DNA, new tech starts today."
"Really what do you know about this guy?"
"Not much, only he is a genius from San Francisco, graduated from Berkley."
"Berkley?" Nick paled, it couldn't be, could it? "What is his name?"
"Greg I think."
"I see."
"Hey where are you going?"
"Bathroom." He lied as he went the opposite direction to the trace lab to get a look for himself, but not wanting to face the truth just yet.
"Nick, what are you doing?"
"Um nothing Jacqui, just visiting."
"Sure ok, I'll be pretending you're not here."
"Ok." He stood on his tiptoes and he saw the hair first and he knew Greg Sanders had come back into his life.
"Nick if you are not doing anything then leave."
"I'm gone." He said as walked to the door.
"Nick!" Catherine called as she rounded the corner. "Have you met the new tech?"
"Um no, why?"
"He's amazing, of course I knew that when I hired him. Go say hi."
"I will."
"Now, we're all friendly here, go." She said as she prodded him in the back.
"I'm going."
Nick took a deep breath as he entered the lab, and when Greg turned around he almost dropped the glass beaker he was holding.
"Nick…"
"Hi Greg." And Nick could not help but smile at those familiar brown eyes. "So DNA tech, here?"
"Yeah." He grinned sheepishly. "It's good to see you."
"You too." And Nick was amazed at how much he had missed Greg, and how he was overwhelmed with the sudden urge to slam him against the wall and kiss him senseless. Greg being here could not be a good thing, not at all.
Nick couldn't help himself when he saw Greg in the locker room after shift and he all but slammed him against a locker capturing his lips in a heated kiss. He had forgotten how good it felt.
"Nick…" Greg breathed out.
"Just let me…God let me kiss you."
"Ok…ok..but here?"
"Somewhere…just, I need you."
"Ok…you…you…God we need to go now." They ended up at Greg's new apartment ten minutes later tangled up in each other and gasping each other's names as they reached completion.
The next four months after that they met after work, but they did not call it a relationship.
"Nick, maybe we could be together more than this…"
"Greg…two men, it may be the 20th century but it still does not make it right."
"It feels right to me."
"What about a family? My parents expect grand kids."
"There are ways…"
"No Greg this is all we can be, ever." Two days later he met Carly.
End
"So you're glad you came?"
"Yeah thanks for making me come."
"Anytime." She said as she kissed his lips. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Yeah." Nick couldn't stop thinking about the movie, and about Jack and Ennis. They went years just satisfying their needs, but never realized they needed something more than they were getting. Nick had ended his affair with Greg last year when things with Carly started to get serious, Greg left two days later for San Francisco, he had not heard from since. Sometimes at night he would think about chocolate brown eyes and soft lips. Maybe he was in a way Ennis Del Mar and maybe he didn't need a Alma but a Jack, maybe what he needed all along was a Greg.
"You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla high-altitude fucks once or twice a year! You are too much for me Ennis, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you!"
" Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you that I'm like this! I ain't got nothing... I ain't nowhere... Get the fuck off me! I can't stand being like this no more, Jack."
Greg always got choked up at that line and he'd seen the movie too many times to count since it came out.
"Greg it's only a movie." His girlfriend Sara whispered in his ear. "Don't get so worked up."
"I know." But it only reminded him more and more of Nick each time he saw it.
Flashback one year ago
It was always like this with them, hunger and want as they devoured each other slipping in a state of desperate passion. Sometimes Greg felt like there could be more between them, Nick was first to squish them stating two guys never had a chance. How could they even have a chance if Nick never gave them one? Greg knew he was falling hard for Nick and there was really no way to stop it and falling for Nick was not a good thing when he didn't want it. The secret meetings were getting to Greg and he hated being the thing on the side since Nick had met Carly. He'd seen her once when she came into the lab and Greg had to admit she was gorgeous he could see why Nick wanted to date her. What he did not understand was why Nick still came to him, still clung to him as if he was the only thing that mattered.
"Greg we need to talk after work?"
"Fine, your place?"
"No, yours." Greg nodded, they never went to Nick's place, it's like Nick never wanted to let him in any further than he had to. Sometimes he just wanted to leave, but Nick was like a drug and he was addicted.
"Greg we have to stop."
"Stop?"
"This, whatever this is, we can't keep going on like this."
"We could be together Nick."
"No Greg, we can't I already told you."
"I know what I feel Nick, do you?"
"Things with Carly are going good; she's the girl I want to settle down with."
"And just keep on lying to her and yourself."
"You knew going into this Greg it would never be anything more than what it was."
"But it already has become something more Nick, or can't you see that?"
"It's something more to you, not me, it has to stop."
"So that's it then? You'll marry Carly and everything will be fine between us, like nothing was ever there. Do you want me to forget how it feels to be with you Nick? How when I am with you nothing else matters, that everything is right? You want me to act as if it never happened? Fine."
"Greg don't be like this, we still have to work together."
"I'll act how I want, I am sorry I was not good enough for you."
"Greg…"
"Goodbye Nick."
Two days later Nick put in his resignation to Grissom and left Las Vegas to go back home to San Francisco.
End
"Jack, I swear…"
Greg knew he was crying and he knew Sara would think he was a fool, but he could never manager not to cry at that part. If Ennis had not been so foolish then Jack might had been right there with him.
"Greg?" Sara asked as soon as the credits started to roll. "There is something you're not telling me." Greg knew he had to be honest with her, she was a nice girl and really the only friend he had now. He just felt bad that he had absolutely no romantic feelings for this amazing girl at all. Nick had ruined any chance of anyone ever getting close to him again.
"Sara…I…just…I can identify with this movie, I can identify with Jack."
"Oh Greg." She said as she wiped away a tear from his cheek. "It's ok tell me everything." So he did from start to finish about Nick and their situation and everything he still felt, by the time he was done the theater attendant had to kick them out before the next show started.
"And so he is with her and I'm here…"
"Miserable."
"Yes." He sighed. "But it was his choice and really it was killing me anyway."
"It's still killing you."
"But there is nothing I can do Sara."
"But to live with the knowledge that you could have been something good."
"Just like Jack and Ennis I suppose. They crashed together but never could hold on." He said as he turned away from her. "We are them and it's just as tragic.
"You know it could be like this, just like this, always."
Nick had sent he movie at least three more times since he first saw it with Carly, and he always went alone. The more he saw it, the more he knew how alike he and Ennis were and Greg was a free spirit just like Jack, the one who always believed in them. It was the second time he saw the movie he started seeing Greg getting beaten to death and it scared him more than anything. Would he end up like Ennis though? Cold and alone? He had Carly, but was she enough, was she really the one? He did not understand how one movie could upset the whole course of his life, how it made him regret losing the one good thing in his life. He was sure he had no chance in hell now, life was fleeting and he had hurt Greg far beyond repair he knew that because he had hurt himself too. At night sometimes when Carly was curled up against him he would close his eyes and picture Greg crazy hair and all. He would long for his smooth body and soft lips and his brown eyes to be looking into his, not Carly's blue ones. More than once he thought about calling him, tracking him down but then he would stop himself, Greg would want nothing to do with him. But now, after seeing what it could do to a person, granted it was only movie but the emotions were real he didn't want to end like Ennis Del Mar. He would have his Jack in his life no matter what the consequences were.
Nick really didn't know how to even go about this, how do you tell a person you're about to leave them for someone else? Carly was a good person, but the feelings just weren't there, he had dated her for all the wrong reasons, to mask the feelings he had for Greg.
"Hey Nick." Carly greeted as she kissed him softly on the lips.
"Uh, hi Carly."
"What is it?"
"We have to talk." At those words she backed away from him.
"Here it comes."
"Carly…"
"Who is she?"
"There is no she Carly."
"Bullshit Nick."
"I am being honest there is no she…"She must have figured it out because her eyes got wide and she gasped.
"That's why I did not have to twist your arm that hard to see that movie, you're queer."
"I'm sorry Carly I…"
"It's Greg isn't it? I always knew he was a little fag, but you?"
"Don't call him that."
"Oh I can't believe this." She laughed harshly. "My boyfriend of two years just breaks up with me for a guy and is mad because I called his little bitch a fag! How fucked up is that?"
"I did not mean for this to happen I just…"
"Like taking it up the ass don't you? That's it; you'll got to hell Nicholas Stokes."
"So what, I'll go happy."
"Asshole." She hissed as she slapped him across the face.
"I deserved that, I really did, but it won't change my mind."
"Fine go be a fag see if I care."
"Goodbye Carly." She didn't even bother to give him a response as she slammed the door. Now his only obstacle left was to get Greg and he knew that it would be hard, but he'd fight till the end.
"Tell you what. The truth is…sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it."
Surprisingly enough Greg's confession to Sara had brought them closer together and he wasn't at work they were together. She was like the sister he never had and she understood him, which was all that mattered.
"I really appreciate you not turning me away Sara."
"How could I? You're an awesome guy Greg; it's too bad you are gay."
"If I wasn't you'd be the only girl for me Sara Sidle."
"I better be." She said as she kissed his cheek. "Now I've got to go, we on for breakfast in the morning."
"You do realize I have class in the morning."
"Oh Greg come on you know you wanna, you need the energy for the tenth graders.
"Fine." He relented. "Usual spot?"
"As always she grinned and he was really lucky to have her in his life.
Nick wasn't sure where to begin; no one was really sure where Greg had gone to work in San Francisco so he figured his best bet would be the crime lab.
"Excuse me I was wondering does a Greg Sanders work here?" The secretary looked up at him and snapped her gum rolling her eyes slightly.
"Never heard of him."
"Ok thanks." He sighed, great now he was nowhere.
"Wait." A pretty brunette called to him. "You're Nick aren't you?"
"How do you know that?"
"I'm Sara Sidle, Greg is my best friend."
"Oh, so seeing as you know who I am he told you…"
"Everything and I'm really trying not to punch you in the nose."
"I understand."
"Good, so I really don't know why I should tell you where he is."
"You shouldn't know because I know I treated him like shit and a person amazing as Greg didn't deserve that. Hell I don't deserve him, but I've realized I can't live without him, I don't want to miss this chance, and I don't want to let it slip on by." Sara didn't speak for a few minutes, just stared him down like she was interrogating a suspect.
"If you do anything to hurt him I will kill you and make it look like a suicide, got it?"
"I got it." He gulped; this girl was very intimidating no wonder Greg liked her.
"He works at Florentine High three miles from here; he's got a class at two."
"He's a teacher."
"Chemistry and very good at it."
"I imagine he would be. Thank you Sara."
"Don't make me regret this."
"I won't, I swear."
Greg sighed as he plopped down at his desk as his class filed out, he couldn't be happier that it was the end of the day.
"Mr. Sanders?"
"Yes come in." he motioned not quite opening his eyes. "How may I help you?"
"I made a horrible mistake?" His eyes snapped open as he recognized the voice and staring straight at the person he thought he would never see again.
"Nick…how did you…"
"I ran into someone at the crime lab."
"Sara."
"Nice girl, got spunk."
"Yeah, that's why I like her, why are you here Nick?"
"I need to know if I fucked things up too much. Is there any hope for us at all?" Greg was silent as he turned his chair to stare out the window away from Nick.
"Why now? I gave my heart to you a long time ago Nick and you did not want it."
"I didn't know what I wanted Greg, I felt things with you I had never felt before so I pushed you away. I would not let it bloom, but I understand now."
"What, what do you understand?"
"That what I was feeling was love." He whispered as he knelt in front of Greg. "That it was just you Greg, that I never needed Carly because I had all I ever wanted in you and I know I deserve you to tell me to go to hell, but until you do I'm going to be right here." He paused to wipe at the tears that had spilt down to his cheeks. "With you." Greg didn't say anything as he got out of his chair to be at Nick's level but reached out to touch the cheek marred by tears.
"You don't deserve another chance Nick, but I can't help it. I told you I gave you my heart and you have it still. There is no one else, it's you I love."
"Oh God." Nick sobbed as he fell into Greg's embrace. "I'm so sorry…I…" but his words were cut off as Greg captured his lips in a much needed kiss.
"Shut up, you've done enough talking; now show me you love me."
"C'mon now, you're sleepin' on your feet like a horse. My mama used to say that to me when I was little. And sing to me..."
Greg snuggled in close to Nick as they watched the movie that had brought them together; he smiled knowing he got to have his Ennis.
"You crying again baby?"
"Don't make fun Nicky; you know this part gets me every time."
"I'm not making fun." Nick said as he leaned in and kissed Greg's lips. "It gets me too."
"Do you think it's silly to be so effected by a movie?"
"No I do not, it's what made me finally see the light, I didn't want us to end like them, and I didn't want to let you slip through my fingers like Ennis did with Jack."
"I'm glad that you didn't Nicky, we've been through a lot me and you." Greg said as he laced his fingers through Nicks.
"And it was all worth it baby." Nick said as he captured Greg's lips, he then leaned back and touched Greg's cheek softly. "Greg, I swear…"
"You swear what?"
"To always love you."
"I swear to Nick, forever." And as the movie ended Greg took knowledge in knowing that though they were similar to Jack and Ennis, he was glad he and Nick got a the happy ending they desereved.
END