Chapter 1: Sharp Words
AN: This chapter has self-hurt, just to let you be aware. We do not promote it, but it is a reality. You've been warned.
Hinata forced a smile as she watched Ino and Sakura playfully converse with Naruto, Sasuke and Kiba. She forced herself to concentrate on their conversation, trying to ignore the sting of tears in her pale eyes. Sakura and Ino always tried to include her in their conversations and social activities, but she still felt invisible, especially by the males. She knew she wasn't a conventional beauty like the pinkette and blonde, she didn't have their modelesque figures and showy looks and personalities. She was quiet, withdrawn and usually dressed in black and long sleeves. Even her younger sister, Hanabi was favoured over her.
Hinata pinched her wrist between her nails, savoring the feeling of pain that shot through her veins. It was an easy and unnoticeable way to relieve and punish herself for her negative thoughts. Ino's high pitched voice drew the brunette back to reality.
"Ne, Hinata, there is no need to be so quiet, you know all of us here."
"Y-yeah, sorry," mumbled Hinata in reply, looking down at her feet. Ino shrugged and turned back to Kiba, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder coyly. Hinata squeezed her eyes shut, she felt distant and apart from everyone, as usual she could only stand and watch as Sakura and Ino conversed with their multiple friends.
'Worthless,' she hissed mentally 'You can't even think of one word to say? No wonder no one talks to you. Freak.'
"U-um I think I'm just going to go..." Hinata stuttered out but her quiet words fell on deaf ears of the conversing teens before her.
"Mn-yeah," replied Ino distractedly, waving her hand in dismissal. Hinata didn't wait any longer, she turned and walked away, waiting until she was at a safe distance then began to run, her heart pounding in her ears, her blood boiling in her veins. The urge was rising quickly, poisoning her very mind and being; she needed something sharp. Now. The brunette halted to a stop, taking cover under some nearby trees she desperately tore through her pockets in search for her silver friend. Hot, frustrated tears leaked from the corners of her pale eyes as she tore through her pockets, finding each one empty. She was about give up when she remembered where she'd hidden one after her last 'episode'. Hinata pulled off her thick black hoodie and turned one of the sleeves inside out ripping the silver, blood stained razor that she had sewn to the lining. She wiped the residual blood on her black jeans then pressed the blade to her heavily scarred hand, pulling in a downward motion, a slight smile curving her pink lips. Hinata slumped against a tree trunk as the adrenaline rushed to her brain and dark red blood ran down her hand and dripped from her fingertips. Her brain urged her to continue, but she knew now was not the time. She slipped the bloody razor blade into her pocket, then took out a black bandana and tied it tightly around the cut.
'Pathetic scum,' she thought to herself, but she was okay for now, the cut proved that fact.
Sasuke stared at the girl, willing her to look up. He'd seen the whole thing and he'd felt his heart racing as a result. She'd just fricking cut herself, smiling as if all was right with the world.
"If you wanted to spill your blood so badly, why don't you actually donate it to a worthy cause... like the blood bank?" he asked quietly.
The girl's head snapped up, angry fire burning in her grey eyes. 'Who are you to judge me?' her eyes seemed to be saying. 'You couldn't possibly understand.'
"It's none of your business," she hissed uncharacteristically "Besides it's my body I am free to do what I want with it." Hinata grabbed her hoodie and shoved her arms through it, she felt more at ease without him staring at her scars, she hated when people stared.
Sasuke blinked, not quite expecting such an acidic response from someone that looked so quiet.
"Ookay then... It's just a waste to see perfectly good blood dripping away into the dirt when some dying kid could be using it to feel better," he muttered, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans and walking off. He hated sights like that. He hated the helpless feeling that came with seeing someone do something - that to him was … inconceivable - and not being able to do anything about it. She'd looked so happy, too, cutting herself. Sasuke ground his teeth together, wanting to go back and say something, but not sure what to say. Oh what the hell. He stopped and turned.
"So are you coming, or what?" he asked sharply.
Hinata clenched her teeth as anger surged through her body.
'What the fuck?' she thought. The nerve of this guy, like she didn't know that she was wasting her blood, but it wasn't about the blood, not really, and to be honest she didn't care if she was wasting it or not. It was hers; she could do what she wanted with it, and why did he care anyway? No one ever cared before. He was probably just being nosy, or thought that it was disgusting. Hinata watched him walk away, her hands fisted at her sides, then he turned back his voice cutting through the silence. Her head snapped up in surprise.
"Coming where?" she asked coldly, crossing her arms over her stomach. She was so nervous.
'Is he going to rat me out?' she thought, biting her lip. 'Or maybe he's going to tell everyone so they can laugh at me...as usual...'
"The nurse's station," Sasuke returned, rolling her eyes. Didn't she know anything? "She's still on break... if you hurry I can get that disinfected before she gets back," Sasuke continued, nodding his head in the direction of her hands. His fists were clenched in his pockets, and his jaws were grinding against each other. What was it that made someone cut themselves, and then be happy about it? He couldn't really relate, since his life was somewhat charmed in comparison to other people's lives, and he still couldn't understand the 'whys' of it at all. He took a deep breath and shifted his feet. "So, you coming?"
Hinata felt fear wash over her like a tidal wave. The nurses' station meant bad news, it meant that people would see...and no one was supposed to see. She hated disinfections; they stopped her cuts from scarring, and she wanted the scars to remain, they were like...tokens to fall back on when she was low.
"What are you staring at me like that for? I'm not gonna tell anyone," Sasuke continued in the silence, rolling his eyes. "Geez..." He didn't know her name. She was in his class, and he didn't know her name. He felt a little disgusted with himself.
"I-I don't want to go," replied Hinata, her infamous stutter returning. "I-I'm fine...and I'm Hinata Hyuuga. Don't worry; I didn't expect you to know me." The brunette bit down hard on her lip, blood filling her mouth; of course he didn't know her!
Sasuke stared at her, and then blinked. "It doesn't excuse it. You've never spoken to me before, that I remember, but I could have spoken to you, ne. I'm Uchiha Sasuke," he said, walking back to her and extending a hand for her to shake.
Hinata bit her lip harder and quietly said,"A-ano I have spoken to you a few times before...but it wasn't anything special so I don't expect you to remember...and I know who you are...everyone does." She pushed herself to her feet, looking at his outstretched hand in confusion.
"Th-there is no need, I know you realize I'm related to Neji-san, but it's okay I'm fine, really..." she trailed forcing a smile as her mask dropped back into place.
"Uh... I'm trying to introduce myself properly," Sasuke returned, his face a blank mask, even though his mind was reeling a bit. "And obviously you're not okay with it. I know I wouldn't be," he muttered, his hand still outstretched. "Shake my hand..."
Hinata's eyes widened from shock. He was just introducing himself?
'Impossible,' she thought, no one ever 'just introduced themselves' to her, not without an ulterior motive - most times being when they found out her name they introduced themselves because she was a Hyuuga and related to Neji. Neji was uber popular and the Hyuugas were billion dollar business moguls.
"U-um...sorry," she stuttered and hesitantly moved her hand to shake his, feeling even more self-conscious than usual.
"Stop assuming things about me," Sasuke said, scowling. He hated that, and in the circles he walked in, it was a constant thing. Oh, Uchiha-san would most definitely not want a burger when there is caviar... the fuck. As if he wanted to eat nasty fish eggs. He could just see her thinking crap about him, and it annoyed him. He grasped her hand, shaking it firmly and used the contact to tug her forward."We're getting your hand disinfected."
"I'm not assuming anything!" snapped Hinata, her cheeks reddening in frustration, then she looked down at her feet, shame crushing her in its dark grip. "B-but no one ever befriends me without an ulterior motive...if they do, which is rare."
'Shit,' she thought as the words tumbled from her lips, she hadn't meant to say that. He wasn't supposed to know about that. He wasn't supposed to know how she truly felt...it would only lead to disasters. Even though she forced herself to believe those thoughts a little voice at the back of her head kept asking if it was really so bad if someone found out...wasn't this what she always secretly wanted? For someone to find out so she could be saved, saved from herself.
"What ulterior motive could I possibly have?" Sasuke asked. "Geez, I just told you my name. I mean, you're cute and all, but it's not like I'd say hello to you just because of that," he continued, turning away from her and pulling her along with him. "And you shouldn't assume that everyone is the same... because they're not."
Hinata yanked her hand away. What the fuck?
"What?!" she yelled, anger rushing through her like a storm. "How dare you speak about assuming when that's all you're doing? Fuck it! I am not cute, so don't try to patronize me, and ulterior motives? Ulterior motives like the fact that my last name is Hyuuga! That's the only thing people notice me for, if they do, which is basically never. And you shouldn't assume that everyone is that same either! Not because I am a girl means I want you to think I'm cute. Oh I guess you wouldn't know because you're used to everyone throwing themselves at you! And by the way you know nothing about me, so stop!" she yelled then turned and ran, tears burning in her eyes. It was always like this. No one understood what she was going through. No one knew how many night she lay in her bed crying wishing someone would understand. No one knew how many times she's hidden the cuts and bruises the bullies inflicted on her.
"Geez, slow down a bit!" Sasuke interrupted, rolling his eyes as he ran to catch up. "Hold on a second and help me to understand something," he said, turning her around to face him. "What did I assume? One, saying you're cute is not an assumption, it's a fact. Two, I'm an Uchiha... if it's prestige you're talking about, Uchiha trumps Hyuuga, so that's a no go. Three, I never said anything about girls wanting me to think they are cute having anything to do with you... I just said you were cute. Four, I do know about girls throwing themselves at me, but that's usually because of my name or me features and not really about me, so I fail to see your point there, because you were clearly not throwing yourself at me... and five... I never claimed to know anything about you..." he paused and looked directly into her large grey eyes. "So tell me... what did I say wrong, or did you decide all these things before I even spoke?"
Hinata shifted her eyes to the ground, she was so stupid, bursting out like that.
"I-Its nothing, let's just go to the nurses office already," she mumbled, wiping stray tears from her cheeks.
Sasuke looked up at the sky and groaned aloud. This was so frustrating. He'd kinda wanted her to argue with him a bit. Still, he supposed that her coming to the nurse's station with him was a win of sorts. He grabbed her hand tightly, just in case she changed her mind and decided to run. He wasn't quite sure why, but he really wanted to make sure her hand was not infected. He pulled her along the empty halls of the school - it was lunchtime - and then groaned in annoyance when he saw a group of girls milling around in eye-shot of the nurse's station. Great. He sent a surreptitious glance Hinata's way.
"Oi... don't take this the wrong way, okay?" he said, coming to a stop near the infirmary door.
Hinata felt her spirits sink even further. 'Great,' she thought bitterly 'Now these bitches are going to see...this is why I didn't want to come.'
"U-um..." she stuttered, looking down at her feet, he was probably going to turn on her now.
Sasuke took a deep breath, figuring she was going to be really offended, but not wanting the girls who were already turning their attention his way to suspect anything about Hinata. He, without warning, pushed her against the wall and pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth, putting his hands up around her head to hide the fact that it wasn't exactly a lip-lock. 'Hopefully they will just think we're going to the infirmary to make out or something,' Sasuke thought as he opened the door and pushed her inside, sliding the door shut behind him. Once inside, he leaned away and lifted her easily onto one of the beds before moving off to find something to clean her hands off with.
Hinata's head spun with confusion and something else...something that she couldn't quite pinpoint, it was new feeling. She gritted her teeth and thought, 'Oh shut up moron, you were just being used, he didn't want to damage his reputation by having those girls find out he was helping you with your pathetic self-harm issues.' With this in mind Hinata decided not to say anything about what Sasuke did to her, after all he had probably already forgotten.
"I'll do it," said Hinata abruptly, interrupting Sasuke's search for disinfectants. She pulled off her jacket, revealing the multiple scars on her arms, some new and most old. She grabbed some cotton balls and some rubbing alcohol, then sat back down and the bed and got to work. Sasuke grabbed her hand.
"Geez, Hinata... slow down a bit," he muttered, taking the items back from her hand. He tried not to pause at the sight of all the scars on her hand, but figured he was doing a bad job at it. "You do this a lot," he muttered, turning his attention from the scars on her hands to the cotton balls and alcohol.
Hinata stiffened, it was always like this, other people could never fathom self-harm, so when they saw the scars they stared, usually with a disgusted, shocked or pitying expression.
"U-um yeah i guess..." she trailed not wanting to discuss the matter.
"Hn," Sasuke grunted noncommittally.
"Don't judge," she snapped stiffly, she hated when people automatically began to judge her when they saw her scars "And I don't want or need your pity."
"I was only judging a little..." Sasuke said, knowing she'd caught him. He sent her a sheepish grin. "I wasn't pitying you, though... I was more thinking that it sucks," he continued, his smile dropping. He lifted her hand and swiped the cotton ball gently across her wrist.
"Yeah I know you were, everyone does, and I hate it." replied Hinata, looking away so he couldn't see the emotion welling up in her eyes, if only he knew all that she was going through. The little voice in her head came back, saying that he could know if she told him.
'I can't tell him,' she thought. 'He'd hate me.'
"So, like what would you want us to do, if we ever saw your scars?" Sasuke asked quietly, his heart hurting a little for her. Okay fine, a lot, but she didn't need to know that, right?
Hinata bristled at his comment.
"I don't expect you to do anything!" she snapped and jumped off the bed. "Just forget it, you don't understand and never will, just forget you ever saw this," She grabbed her hoodie and shoved it back on.
"Are you calling me stupid?" Sasuke asked, grabbing her shoulder and turning her to face him. "How can I or anyone understand if you don't say anything? Fine, I don't understand why someone would cut themselves on purpose, because it fricking hurts, but I also don't get how you can be mad at me for not knowing something you didn't explain to me," he said, making direct eye contact with her. " I don't understand, but don't judge me if you didn't try to make me understand first."
Hinata gritted her teeth in frustration. She was coming off all wrong, but her mind felt so clouded with emotion that it was hard to explain how she felt...she didn't even truly know how she felt.
"I didn't say you were stupid, but if you have never done it you wouldn't know, and of course it hurts...that's the point, but it hurts less than when others hurt you, so its bearable," Hinata said quietly, turning away, her fists clenched at her sides.
"So... like a distraction, then?" Sasuke asked, trying to wrap his head around the idea. "Like... like when you get a cut, and you can't dig your nails in it, so you dig your nails in the surrounding area and distract yourself from the cut?" His brow wrinkled as he looked at her. Hinata shook her head, her lips curving slightly in wry amusement, he had it all wrong.
"No...it's more like you crave the pain because it's something you can control, unlike the pain that others inflict on you, and it's more of a self-punishment than anything else."
"Oh... but you feel better... so it's sorta like a drug then? Like, can you get addicted to doing it?"
"It's my everything..." Hinata trailed "And don't ask why I do it, I can't tell you...I can't tell anyone." Sasuke frowned at her statement. He didn't really know what to say, or do, which is probably why he ended up giving her a rather random, and slightly awkward hug.
And that was precisely when the infirmary door opened.
AN: So, what did you think? Please review and let us know! We are open to suggestions and critiques! Reviews make us type faster!