Yo! *waves* wareme here. Welcome to my new fic of pure, rather crappy pseudo-humor. Thanks for reading. Comments are extremely appreciated.
A special thank-you to Mao for creating the idea of a Lawn Gnome Factory. Mao, eat the doves!
Duo and the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes
by wareme
Enter: Duo Maxwell, Lawn Gnome Extraordinaire. My lovely Lawn Gnome Factory, so shiny, so bleak, so dismal, so full of feces because of the lack of lavatories. See my minions, so eloquently constructing their Lawn Gnomes. Ah, Heero just fell over from lack of rest. That's okay. The sound of hammering nails in the room next door will wake him up soon enough.
I sit in my control room, laughing insanely. I can see each of my many slaves laboring away at their Gnomes. Oh, look. Relena just smacked her thumb with a wrench. It warms my heart to see her crying for Milliardo, who just slipped in a puddle of dung on the floor. It's beautiful.
I have 892 Lawn Gnomes guarding the vicinity of my laboratory. Yes, I speak to each Gnome daily. They all need exceptional love, my babies. Unlike my minions. Let us see the minions at their work.
As we approach the one called Wufei's Lawn Gnome Construction Chamber, we can see him working, vigorously sanding his near-finished Gnome.
"OW! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT…!" Aw, look. Wu-man sanded his knuckles. I would give him a band-aid, but I happen to enjoy watching this. It'll make him work faster. Trust me.
And as we meander throughout my Factory, you may see on your left Quatre's cubicle. See him stain the lovely wood with his Earl Grey. It really makes a lovely shade of mahogany. Hark! Could it be? The one named Catherine's having a tantrum. Let us listen.
Trowa: "I'm sorry Cathy…but my Gnome needs that clown mask…"
Catherine: "You know what? Who needs Midol when I've got you?"
Watch as Catherine beats the shit out of Trowa. Damn. That's some case of PMS. Could I, Duo Maxwell, be powerful enough to right this wrong of child abuse? Of course. Do I choose to? Hell no.
You may think I'm an insane, autocratic dictator. You're absolutely right. I love my work. I truly do. Nothing is so inspiring as seeing Heero Yuy try to eat his Gnome. No, he's not maniacal like I am (nor as incredibly powerful, genius, and invincible as I, of course). He's just so deranged that wood is starting to look damn good to him. I tried offering him some stale Cheez-whiz and anchovy casserole, as I would hate to see any of my minions starve, but he just bowed down to me as usual and said, "Oh, no, Master, I truly prefer the delectable taste of slippery elm." Okay, fine. Whatever slices your ham.
And then there's my personal favorite minion, Lady Une. She's gotten so used to her job that she now claims to see Treize in her finished Gnomes. Uh, yeah. Right. You can imagine the mood swings that bitch has. Quite amusing to watch.
My minions are quite flexible. They now believe that free time is something used to sleep only. Thanks to me, their lives now revolve around my beautiful, beautiful Lawn Gnome Factory. Mwahahahahahaaa…too bad my Gnomes are telling me something else. Apparently they've formed a phalanx and are proceeding to override my Factory. What fools. this is only the beginning…
Stay tuned for the next installment of…
wareme
© 2001