Note: I was just thinking of Akashi's relationships with Kuroko and Mayuzumi, and how they can be interpreted as friendship or romance. And then I thought, what if it was something else?
Warning: Pretty experimental on my part. Didn't even know which genre to classify this in.
Disclaimer: Kuroko no Basuke belongs to Tadatoshi Fujimaki.
Scaly, layered, hairy– the moth's wings fluttered near the glass window, beating it softly, letting out pattering sounds that resounded in the quiet room. It was trying to get out. The beating of the wings was getting quicker, stronger, faster. Flapping with more urgency. More erraticism.
Akashi couldn't keep his eyes off it.
His hand was poised over the shogi board, hovering over it. His fingers, lightly carrying a hisha (rook). Akashi felt his gaze increase in its intensity, as he scrutinised the moth. It was steadily getting more desperate, trying more furiously, violently. The beating of its wings became louder, more volatile in its rhythm. The sounds drifted into Akashi's ears, seeping into his mind.
Akashi felt his breathing quicken. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared at it. His hand, previously still, started twitching. Akashi could feel every strand of his red hair, brushing against his forehead. He could hear the sounds of his breathing intermingling with the soft beating of the wings in the quiet room, like a lover's caress.
He had never gotten over his childhood fascination with collecting insects. He enjoyed watching them, observing them as they fluttered their fragile wings within the constraints of his captivity. He would keep them in individual glass jars, then line them up neatly on his shelf. He would look at them, stare at them as they flew helplessly, hitting the walls of the glass jar, making futile attempts to escape from the claustrophobia.
He liked transferring them into smaller and smaller jars. The sounds of the beating wings only became louder and louder.
A knock on the door to his private shogi room broke his concentration on the moth. He tore his eyes away from it – performing the gesture out of pure physical will – and turned to see an inconsequential basketball club member come in. The boy would never make it into Teikou's first string. No matter how hard he tried.
"What is it."
The boy stood uncertainly by the door. "Some reporters are out there asking for you. They want to talk to you about winning the second national championship last summer."
"Fine. I'll be there in a moment."
The boy turned and left.
Akashi lay the hisha piece down gently on the board. He concentrated on making the gesture, feeling the contours of the piece on his fingertips. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose, and closed his eyes.
The second national championship match. Tetsuya had looked remarkably joyful after Teikou's win. Of course. I had said we needed him for the win. And he performed admirably. Spectacularly. Beyond my wildest expectations.
Akashi opened his eyes again. This time, he was staring at the moth with greater intensity. Glaring at it. It fluttered with great tenacity and strength against the window. Still perseverant to get out.
So much determination.
The moth beat its wings, helplessly.
So much spirit.
The pitter-patters of its wings filtered through the molecules in the air.
So much fire.
The moth's prickly segmented legs were scraping against the window, emitting minute scratching sounds.
Akashi narrowed his eyes.
In just one match alone, Tetsuya had evoked a feeling so strong and so intense within Akashi. Akashi had seen literally hundreds in his pursuit for basketball greatness. The feeling pricked at Akashi's mind, niggled at it like a crow picking at a worm. He saw visions of the match, how Tetsuya was always there whenever needed, how he prognosticated the opponent's every move, how he elevated all of the Miracles to beyond extraordinary. He had been seeing the visions all summer.
But all Tetsuya does is pass the ball. Albeit in a remarkably unique fashion.
He passes the ball in the shadows, making invisible fluid patterns right in the midst of opponents. In the midst of their enemies.
Tetsuya creates layers in my basketball where there previously were none.
Layers. Layers of basketball sublimity.
Akashi let out a sharp breath. All of a sudden, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He lay a hand on his chest. As he felt the soft fabric of his jersey against his palm, he sensed his blood rushing through his veins.
What could he call this feeling? It was...a curiosity. A strange, intimate form of curiosity.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Akashi nodded to himself with satisfaction. A few moments passed.
He stood up from his chair.
"Akashi-san! Akashi-san! Answer my question!"
"Did you expect Teikou's win, Akashi-san? Hey, Akashi-san!"
"What did you think of Kamata West, Akashi-san? Did you think it was too weak for Teikou?"
Akashi withstood all the camera flashes with grace and poise. A charismatic, immaculate smile was on his face. The camera flashes reminded Akashi of white fluorescent lights. White fluorescent lights hanging overhead in a basketball court. Illuminating his players, his team.
And Tetsuya in the shadows, determinedly passing the ball around.
Akashi felt a strange sensation as the thought floated in his mind. He felt a sudden desire- he curled his fingers out of reflex, brushing his thumb over his knuckles. Outwardly, he merely stretched his lips wider.
"Of course I had expectations for Teikou's victory. It is in our motto, any other outcome would have been unthinkable," he said pleasantly to the reporter.
It was Tetsuya who secured our victory.
Akashi reflexively performed the gesture again.
He turned to another reporter. "Kamata West was a formidable opponent. They performed admirably against us."
Tetsuya helped me to crush them. They could never have withstood my strategy, once it was reinforced by Tetsuya's skill.
Akashi brushed his knuckles again. His skin felt like paper.
"Any other questions?" he said cordially.
"Here!" one reporter shouted. "Do you think Teikou will win this year as well?"
Akashi turned to look at him. He crinkled his eyes, and broadened his smile.
Imbecile. Teikou's victory is definite, it is certain. Because I have all the pieces. Because I have...I have Tetsuya.
Akashi placed his hand into his pocket. He curled his fingers, this time keeping it in a fist form. "Well, I can't say for certain," he replied smoothly. "The middle school basketball competition circuit is full of worthy opponents. But..."
He paused, allowing the reporters to hang onto his every word. "...I have complete confidence in my teammates, and in Teikou's strength."
The reporters nodded at his words.
Akashi blinked, then tilted his head in thought. "Hm. I can say this for certain though. Our opponents will have an interesting time against us in the next championship."
He laughed lightly. All the reporters laughed with him. That was expected of them. Akashi knew how to subtly prod and poke them, how to magnetise them with his words. With his eyes.
Tetsuya makes everything interesting.
He could feel his fingertips against his palm in his pocket.
"I look forward to seeing all of you again after the next match," he said. He took his hand out of his pocket and gave a charming wave to the reporters in farewell.
The sounds of the reporters and the camera clicks grew distant to Akashi as he left them. He walked through Teikou's corridors, hearing his shoes clatter on the concrete floors. He was still feeling the strange sensation within him. His hand was back in its fist form in his pocket.
He turned a corner, and stopped short. Tetsuya was walking towards him on the corridor, carrying books. The moment he saw Akashi, he quirked a polite smile.
In his pocket, Akashi's hand flew out of its fist form in surprise.
"Akashi-kun. Good afternoon," said Tetsuya, inclining his head in greeting.
Akashi nodded as well. "Tetsuya."
The sight of Tetsuya in front of him immediately made Akashi feel conscious of the strange sensation within him. He felt his throat closing and his breathing quickened imperceptibly.
Tetsuya smiled at him. "You were just meeting with the reporters, weren't you, Akashi-kun? I can tell from your slight irritation."
Always so observant, Tetsuya. Always...so...observant. Akashi's fingers twitched in his pocket.
Outwardly, he sighed and said, "Yes. They ask incredibly inane questions."
"Indeed." Tetsuya's lips twitched imperceptibly. Then his eyes widened. "Oh yes, Akashi-kun. I wanted to say this to you."
"Yes?"
Tetsuya's smile broadened. "I know I have already extended my gratitude and appreciation to you. But I want to do it again. Thank you, Akashi-kun."
Akashi's eyebrows raised.
"Thank you, for giving me this opportunity to play in a national match. I honestly cannot express my appreciation enough."
"And I merely told you to prepare for our third national championship this year."
"I know," said Tetsuya quickly. "I know." He looked down, and adjusted the books in his arms. Then he went on, "But I still want to express my gratitude once again."
There was a silence.
Akashi was feeling his heart pounding within him. His fingers in his pocket curled ever so slowly, until they formed a fist again.
What is gratitude anyway? Akashi thought.
Gratitude was a form of appreciation. It was a feeling of vulnerability. A feeling of...dependence.
Dependence, Akashi repeated in his mind. His fingernails were digging into his palms.
There were individuals who thought of gratitude as a form of emotional fulfilment. Others thought of gratitude as a give-and-take. An 'I owe you'. A contractual obligation, birthed from guilt and the insecure need to pander to the person who had offered the favour. In other words, a sign of weakness.
Akashi stretched his lips into a smile. He took his hand out of his pocket to wave it.
"There is no need to express your gratitude so many times, Tetsuya. Just be certain to secure Teikou's victory in this year's championship."
Tetsuya nodded. "Yes, of course, Akashi-kun. But also to have fun with everyone." Tetsuya smiled, his eyes growing distant in thought. "Fun is important. If basketball is fun, Aomine-kun will continue to attend practice. It would be bad if he started skiving again."
"Fun?"
Tetsuya blinked. "Yes, Akashi-kun. Fun. Basketball is fun to me, as I'm sure it is for you."
"No, Tetsuya," said Akashi impatiently. "I do not think of basketball as 'fun' when I go to practice. I merely focus on building my skills and developing my muscles."
Fun is pointless and frivolous in the pursuit for victory.
"Yes, Akashi-kun, all that is important, of course," Tetsuya replied, nodding again. "But I believe it is also important to have fun otherwise practice will become boring."
"Thinking of 'fun' will merely diminish your focus on achieving victory."
"I believe fun can actually help in focusing, Akashi-kun."
"That is illogical. The very definition of 'fun' implies a sense of distraction and diversion."
"Not if it's basketball we're discussing, Akashi-kun," said Tetsuya, shaking his head. His eyes were becoming more steely and determined as he argued his point. The fire in them was drawing Akashi in. He couldn't stop looking Tetsuya in the eye.
"Basketball is a game," Tetsuya continued. "Therefore in a game, there needs to be an atmosphere of fun or else all motivation is lost."
"'Motivation'?" said Akashi. He sniffed in incredulousness. "The only motivation I feel is to win. To secure Teikou's victory. This should be the way, Tetsuya. And as for what you said about basketball being a 'game'? I do not feel that way. Basketball is a sport. Sport is a ruthless field. It requires utmost concentration and focus. Thinking about 'fun' will merely keep you from achieving your goals."
After his words, Akashi was certain Tetsuya would be speechless.
"But Akashi-kun." Tetsuya was looking at Akashi with resoluteness. Once again, Akashi could not look away. "Just look at Aomine-kun. All your words will not do a thing to keep him going to practice. Whereas fun, will."
Silence fell between them.
Akashi was still locking eyes with Tetsuya. The complete determination within them was pulling him in, magnetising him, making him unable to blink or look away. It was unwavering, unflinching. Not a thing Akashi said would be able to move him from his unshakeable belief.
Tetsuya, Akashi thought. He placed his hand in his pocket again. Curled his fingers into a fist again. You are just...so...
His fingers twitched in its fist form.
The feeling of gratitude is dependence. It is weakness. But was dependence that weak if it came from a source that was immoveable in its beliefs? Tetsuya was intelligent, he had impeccable basketball instincts, he was grateful to Akashi for giving him the opportunity to exercise those instincts. But he also fundamentally opposed him.
Akashi took his hand out of his pocket. He turned away to continue walking on the corridor, walking away from Tetsuya. It took him pure physical will to tear his eyes away from the unshakeable defiance in Tetsuya's eyes. He was so drawn to it.
"Tetsuya. I will see you during practice."
"Ah, yes, that's right, Akashi-kun." Akashi could hear rustling sounds as Tetsuya adjusted the books in his arms. "I'll see you," called Tetsuya at Akashi's back.
Akashi didn't bother turning around. He was concentrating on making every step, for he couldn't stop thinking of that defiance in Tetsuya's eyes. And simultaneously, he couldn't stop thinking of the moth that morning.
Fire.
Akashi stood in a relaxed stance. His surroundings were pitch black. He couldn't see anything but the fire in front of him. He stared at it. His legs felt heavy, like lead. He couldn't take a step.
It was burning ravenously. All-consumingly. That was the nature of fire. It burnt away all in its path, consuming everything until everything became nothing. All beauty and hope reduced into black ashes and dust. The equivalent of nothingness and emptiness.
Akashi reached out a hand. He wanted to touch it.
I want to...control it.
He was too far away. His legs couldn't move. Akashi stretched out his fingers, trying to touch the flames. They were mocking him, dancing about just a few feet away from him. The flames were moving, gyrating, whirling about in their taunting. A desperate anger arose within Akashi as he observed the flames.
He was physically powerless in the face of the flames. But somehow, he felt like things would be alright. Eventually, the flames would come to him.
And I will be able to touch it as much as I desire. To control it, to manipulate it, to exploit it. To assert my dominance over it.
In the darkness, Akashi could only feel, rather than see, his lips curve upwards into a smil-
Akashi opened his eyes.
He was breathing a little heavily. His heart was pounding quickly and erratically within him. He blinked several times, trying to clear the vividness of the flames from his vision. He swallowed once.
Merely a dream.
He lay under his bed covers for a moment, feeling the softness of his pillow against his head. After a short while, his breathing calmed down. He blinked again. Then, he threw the covers off of him and climbed out of his bed.
Sunlight was pouring in from his wall-length bedroom windows, illuminating the classic Victorian-style furniture in his room. It made everything look pretty, homely and cosy. The plush sofa in his room positively glowed in the sun's warmth. He glanced at it. It looked like it was winking and smiling at him, all pretty in its pastel colours.
A sharp contrast from the dank, musty darkness in his dream. The sensations had been so vivid, and so real to him.
Akashi walked towards a glass jar on the wooden table next to one of his windows. The sun shone on it too. The moth fluttering within it flapped its wings up and down, up and down, casting little shadows on the table.
Of course Akashi had captured the moth. It had attracted his attention so. Fascinated him, so. If he wanted something, he always went for it. With complete devotion and determination to achieve that task.
Just like Tetsuya and his ideals.
Akashi reached out a hand. He touched a forefinger against the glass. It was cool, despite the rays of the sun. The moth fluttered towards his finger, as though drawn to it.
Tetsuya, Akashi thought. He watched the moth, as it hovered near his finger. If there hadn't been a glass barrier, it would have kissed his finger. He allowed the tender moment to persist for several seconds. Then, he flicked the glass with two fingers.
The gesture emitted a faint ringing sound. The moth immediately withdrew from his finger, as the glass vibrated.
Akashi smiled as he watched the moth fly towards the other end of the jar instead. It was desperately trying to get away from the loudness of the ring. Akashi turned away, and moved towards his wardrobe to prepare for school that day.
Hm, he thought as he dressed himself. I need to re-watch the videos of the championship match. I need to re-watch Tetsuya's movements, his every decision and action.
Why? The question rose within Akashi languidly, like creeping tendrils of frost. Akashi paused, mid-movement in putting an arm through his collared shirt.
I just...need to.
The thought of watching Tetsuya later that day after school appeased the restlessness within Akashi. He had felt that restlessness the moment he woke up from that vivid dream. Now though, once he made the decision, it settled down.
In a few short moments, he was in school. He sat through his classes looking like a perfect, model student. The teachers gushed over him, as they should. His classmates blushed when they talked to him, as they should. Akashi didn't pay attention to all that. He was thinking about later, about seeing Tetsuya later, about watching the video later. He felt a sense of anticipation which he hadn't felt in a long time. A certain...excitement.
It is that curiosity again.
It made his fingers twitch when they shouldn't twitch, and his legs shift when they should be still. It made his thoughts drift to later, when he should, in fact, be concentrating during his classes. The lack of control over this restlessness bothered him slightly.
But of course, the excitement of watching Tetsuya trounced it.
After classes it was time for basketball practice. Akashi deliberately left his pace slow as he strode towards the Teikou gym. Even though he couldn't wait to go to the courts, to see Tetsuya execute one of his misdirection moves. He wanted to draw out the anticipation. The feeling of the torturous wait stimulated him. He very, very rarely felt this excitement.
He reached the entrance to the gym. With deliberate slowness, he leaned his head in, and saw Tetsuya executing his 'tap' pass. Ryouta had sent the ball over to him, and with masterful dexterity, Tetsuya passed it on to another first string player. That player performed a simple layup. Two points to Tetsuya's team.
"Kurokocchi, awesome!" exclaimed Ryouta. He ran up to give Tetsuya a high five.
Tetsuya returned it. He had a small smile of satisfaction on his face.
Akashi watched this scene, but his vision was filled with only Tetsuya. Observing the pass earlier had caused his heart to leap in his chest, and his breathing to quicken slightly.
Ridiculous. I have seen that pass so many times.
He absolutely looked forward to seeing it again later, when he watched the video. He schooled his expression, then walked in. He went towards Tetsuya and Ryouta. They were both still conversing about the shot earlier. The moment Akashi approached them, they stopped and looked at him.
"Ah, Akashicchi!" said Ryouta, his signature beam on his face. "Are you going to watch us practise and comment on our performance?"
"Yes," Akashi replied. He was looking at Tetsuya. "I would very much like to do so."
"I don't think it'll be very useful though," said Ryouta doubtfully. He lifted a hand to scratch his head. "Murasakibaracchi is getting so good, I don't think there's any form of feedback to give him. He's improving so much on his own. And Midorimacchi's shots are just...they're unbelievable, Akashicchi! You should see them! He's getting so, so accurate!"
Akashi said nothing in response. He was still looking at Tetsuya.
"I can literally just point anywhere on the three-pointer line and he can make the shot!" Ryouta continued. "I mean, literally anywhere, Akashicchi! Seriously. I think...I honestly think he can even shoot beyond the three-pointer line. I don't know how far beyond. But it should be...should be pretty damn far." Ryouta let out a low whistle. "I'm thinking of testing it out later, Akashicchi, I think you should come watch, it'll seriously be so cool to watch him do that-"
"Akashi-kun," Tetsuya interrupted Ryouta's rambling. He had been meeting Akashi's gaze, eye to eye. "I wanted to inform you of something." Ryouta fell silent and looked at Tetsuya.
Akashi smiled. "Alright. What is it, Tetsuya."
"Earlier, Aomine-kun was shouting at one of the other players." Tetsuya sounded slightly upset.
He must have been quite affected by the incident, Akashi thought.
Tetsuya continued, "He was angry because he thought the player wasn't doing his best to defend against him. But I was observing them, Akashi-kun. The player was trying his best. I could see it."
Ryouta nodded at Tetsuya's words. "Yeah. I saw it too." He turned to look at Akashi. "Akashicchi. Aominecchi is also improving greatly. Well, he improved a lot already last year. But he's getting even better and better!" A shaded look suddenly came over his face. "I just wish...well. I kind of want to play more one-on-ones against him. But I don't know. I'm so uncertain. I don't know if he will...accept my invitation."
"I want to play one-on-ones with him too," interjected Tetsuya. He was looking imploringly at Akashi.
Gratitude. Dependence. Weakness.
Akashi merely smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry about this, Tetsuya. Daiki is merely going through...a phase. He will get over it." He turned to Ryouta. "And Ryouta. I do know about all these improvements. I am captain of the team after all."
Ryouta nodded eagerly in agreement. Akashi's smile broadened. "All this growth is a good thing. It is beneficial towards securing Teikou's victory."
"But Akashi-kun," said Tetsuya. There was a slight earnestness in his tone. "Aomine-kun doesn't look like he's having fun. And neither does Murasakibara-kun. It's as though their improvement is making them bored with basketball. And boredom is detrimental. It'll dampen motivation, including motivation to go to practice and motivation to win."
Once again, you defy me, Tetsuya. You can never accept whatever I say in the first instance. You must always debate over it.
Akashi felt his fingers twitching by his side. He wanted to curl his fingers again.
And yet, every time you do so, the excitement compounds within me. I want to talk with you over and over again. I replay our debates again and again in my mind. I want to create new debates. I want to watch you defy me, listen to your voice as you argue against me. And then.
Akashi quirked his lips into a comforting smile at Tetsuya.
I want to show you that I am right. I want to watch as you have no choice but to depend on me, to owe me and to listen to me.
"Yes, Tetsuya, I completely understand your concerns," said Akashi in a mellow tone. He hummed dulcetly. "Motivation to win is very important to me, as I'm sure you know. So don't worry. I will definitely attempt to correct this spiralling demotivation."
Tetsuya nodded. Akashi could tell he was satisfied, and slightly relieved.
"Now we should get back to practice," Akashi said briskly. "I want to watch you perform your passes in Teikou's offensive formation D. Ryouta will play small forward in this formation."
"Okay, Akashicchi!" replied Ryouta with exuberance. Tetsuya merely nodded.
I want to watch you, Tetsuya.
Akashi spent the rest of practice observing Tetsuya. He didn't notice Ryouta's raw power as he darted through the defences of the opposing team. He didn't notice Shintarou's growing excitement at his distant shots on the other side of the gym. He didn't notice Daiki, and his increasing frustration against the other players. He didn't notice Atsushi, who was yawning at greater frequency, and yet still managing to block any shot.
He was only looking at Tetsuya.
After practice, Tetsuya left the gym straightaway, running after Daiki. Daiki had dashed off the moment the whistle blew, signalling the end of practice. Akashi watched Tetsuya go. Seeing him move away from him immediately brought back all his restlessness. The feeling crashed down on him like a swift, destructive wave.
Akashi went straight home. He took a deliberately long shower, letting the water run over his body. He felt every drop acutely in his increasing anticipation and impatience. He loved the mounting torture, the torture of waiting, waiting, waiting, and then. Release.
The subsequent comforting relief.
After the shower he walked at a deliberately slow pace towards the couch. He inserted the DVD of last year's national championship match into his player with gradual heavy movements. As the DVD whizzed into the machine with a buzz, Akashi closed his eyes. He was holding his breath. The torturous feeling of waiting, of drawing this out was reaching its climax.
The DVD player whirred. After a moment, cheers from students emitted from the speakers. The screen flickered, then remained bright.
Akashi opened his eyes. He let out the breath he was holding in a small whoosh. He focused his gaze onto the screen. All his intensity and concentration was on the video. His eyes raked over every movement Tetsuya made, although Tetsuya was only sitting on the bench. Even on the television screen, his resoluteness and determination were clear to Akashi's eyes.
Akashi let out a small sigh of relief. He leaned back comfortably on his couch.
He was prepared to re-watch this video, as many times as it took. As many times as it took to abate the restlessness within him.
The moth fluttered weakly in the jar.
The fire was in front of him again.
Akashi was growing used to seeing it. It was inching ever so slowly towards him. Burning, smouldering, licking as the tongues of fire crept nearer and nearer to him. Akashi could almost feel the heat against his face. That heat. That warmth. Akashi wanted it. He desired for it to consume him. He desired to stroke and caress the flames.
Once I control the fire, I can control the shadows.
He extended his hand towards the mocking flames. The fire taunted him, danced away from his outstretched fingers. Even though he thought he was already near enough to touch it. This always happened.
But this was still alright. Because it was still moving towards him. It was inevitable. It would reach him, and then. He could finally, finally let the flames devour him, like he wanted them to, so, so much-
Akashi woke up.
His heart was beating its erratic rhythm again. A thin layer of sweat coated his neck, his forehead and his palms. He was used to this discomfort. The dream had already happened too many times.
He sat up, and swiftly got out of his bed. As he dressed for school, he glanced at the moth on the wooden table. He paused in his act of buttoning his collared school shirt.
It's time to change the jar again.
Leaving a few buttons undone, he strode towards a cupboard, and took out a small glass jar. Then he walked towards the jar containing the moth. He slowly uncapped it. Soft squeaking sounds resounded in the silent room. Once unscrewed, he put the other jar over the mouth. He turned both jars upside down and shook them, one hard shake. The moth immediately fell into the smaller jar.
He took away the larger jar. Then he slowly screwed the cap onto the smaller jar. The moth was unmoving, still shocked from the earlier sudden movement. He lifted the jar to his ear.
After several seconds, the moth stirred. It started fluttering again. Its wings beat against the tight constraints of the small jar. Without much space to move anywhere, it merely hovered in its containment, brushing against the glass walls softly and gently.
Akashi smiled as he heard the soft beating of its wings. The jar was still pressed against his ear.
Several weeks had already passed since he first caught the moth, and had that dream. Throughout it all, he constantly felt that familiar feeling of restlessness. He sensed that his basketball team was changing. Murasakibara snapped at Midorima, who snapped at Daiki, who was hardly ever at practice. When he was, though, he shouted at Ryouta, who merely fell silent, and walked away. Away from everyone.
Somehow, this didn't bother Akashi that much. He was concerned, of course. That was his duty and responsibility as captain. He was slightly worried it would affect Teikou's chances for certain victory. But he was far more concerned with observing Tetsuya. In these recent weeks, Tetsuya constantly wore an expression of confusion. Akashi liked to look at his expression. He liked to look at everything Tetsuya did. He was...fascinating.
He listened to the moth for several long moments. Then he placed the jar down and continued dressing for school.
School passed by like a haze to Akashi that day. He wasn't concentrating on his classes. He was envisioning the previous year's championship match in his mind. It replayed in his mind with perfect clarity.
He had watched it enough, to know the exact sequence of events that transpired during that match.
Basketball practice came without ado. He entered the gym to see Daiki steadily getting more and more frustrated with another player. He didn't care about that. He cast his gaze around the gym, looking for Tetsuya. Tetsuya was worriedly watching Daiki, looking as though he wanted to intervene. There was a slight furrow in his eyebrows.
Akashi gazed at that furrow, fascinated with it. Tetsuya, he thought. You are always so concerned about others. Always so worried. How can you be? People wouldn't concern me unless victory is involved.
He continued observing Tetsuya, until Daiki suddenly exploded in anger. The words he spoke sounded like a blur to Akashi. He was still watching Tetsuya too closely to pay any attention. Daiki stomped out of the gym.
Tetsuya immediately went towards Akashi. "Akashi-kun," he said, urgently. The furrow in his eyebrows had become more pronounced. But even more than that, there was an urgency in his eyes. The determination Akashi was so fascinated with was etched on his face.
Akashi nodded at Tetsuya, eyes raking over his face. Drinking in the determined look. Carving it into his mind. "Yes, Tetsuya," he said, concern laden in his tone. His voice sounded distant to him, as though spoken by another person. "Go look for Daiki and persuade him to come back."
Tetsuya nodded in response, with great urgency. He turned around, and ran out of the gym. Akashi watched him leave. A sense of marvel was rising within him.
Tetsuya, your obedience to me...it brings me such... Akashi's fingers twitched. He wanted to clench them. It brings me such pleasure.
He sighed quietly. Keep obeying me, Tetsuya. Obey me with that determined look on your face. Obey me although your thoughts and ideals are so fundamentally opposed to mine. Keep listening to me, although both you and I know you are wrong-
No. Akashi blinked as his thoughts interrupted his thoughts. He sighed pleasurably again, this time a little louder. Obey me, but also oppose me, Tetsuya. Argue against me with that look in your eyes. And then listen to me. And then argue with me again. I want us to keep intertwining our minds in this way. In a push and pull motion.
He closed his eyes. Push and pull, Tetsuya. Obey and disobey. That is what I want. What I desire. He felt a sudden ravenous hunger to follow Tetsuya.
Coach Sanada was saying something. Akashi didn't pay much attention. His eyes were still closed, he was immersed in his thoughts. Replaying Tetsuya's match. Envisioning Tetsuya's look. Tetsuya's expression. Tetsuya's movements. He didn't know how many minutes passed as he delved deep into his mind.
It felt like he had a conversation with Ryouta and Shintarou about Coach Sanada's words. It felt like another person was having that conversation with them. He was still seeing Tetsuya in his mind. Everything felt distant to him, almost like a forgotten memory. But this wasn't a memory. This was the present. He just wasn't present.
"Hm, about that...hey, Aka-chin."
A call from Atsushi stirred Akashi from his ruminations. Suddenly he was present again. Fully present. He turned to look at Atsushi. Atsushi was looking at him with defiance. But his expression didn't register on Akashi. The only defiance he was concerned with...was Tetsuya's.
"What is it, Atsushi," he said.
Atsushi looked at him with insolence for a moment. Then he opened his mouth to speak.
The sky was black. Dark rain clouds formed a thick layer, obscuring any brilliant blue hue it may have had. Rain fell torrentially, forming a grey film that blurred and faded in and out like a haze.
It poured down on the ceiling of Akashi's black limousine, making chaotic pattering sounds. The rain sounded like an orchestra gone wild, the timpani and percussions making erratic drumming echoes. The metal ceiling vibrated with the force of the rain.
Akashi wasn't paying any attention to the auditory havoc. The conversation he had just had with Tetsuya after the short match with Atsushi excited him. His eyes were closed. He was replaying the conversation in his mind.
'Akashi...kun?
It was making his heart beat quickly and the little hairs on his skin rise, forming goosebumps.
'What are you saying?'
It was making the blood rush to his ears, to his limbs, bathing him in warmth.
'Who...who are you?'
It was making his breathing quicken, and his legs weak.
The feeling that was coming over him was stronger than he had ever felt before. He basked in that feeling, the feeling of restlessness, the feeling of lack of control, the feeling of unreleased frustration. It was making his throat close out of the sheer torture. But within that torture, Akashi felt pure, unadulterated ecstasy.
He had to get home. Now. Quickly.
He opened his eyes. Glaring at the driver of his limousine, he said with a steely tone, "Drive faster."
"Yes, Akashi-sama."
The time seemed to tick by slowly to Akashi. He felt the passing of every second. And then, finally, he reached home. He took slow, sedate steps towards his bedroom. He merely nodded out of reflex to acknowledge the greetings of his household staff.
The restlessness was steadily mounting within him.
When he reached his room at last, he walked towards the jar containing the moth. He unscrewed the cap, slowly, with precision. The moth fluttered its wings more quickly, as though in greeting.
Once the cap was unscrewed, he picked up the moth with his left hand, with gentle fingers. The moth became still. His left hand held it in position as he looked at it intensely. It remained unmoving.
The restlessness within Akashi was rising so quickly it was about to reach its climax.
After several seconds of looking at the moth, he lifted his right hand, and moved it towards the insect. Slowly, leisurely, he pinched the corner of one of its wings. The moth's legs twitched, scratching at the palm of his left hand. With careful movements, he peeled at the wing. The moth's legs were scratching at his palm with increasing speed.
The corner of the wing tore off smoothly, because Akashi was doing it so slowly. Holding the moth with his left hand – its legs had stopped moving – he held up the piece of the wing to his eyes. He looked at it for several long moments, inspecting it with great care.
The moth was now unmoving in his left hand.
Akashi placed the insect back into the jar, and screwed the cap back on. It started moving only one of its wings, obviously the undisturbed one. It couldn't hover anymore, but since it was so large, one of its wings still beat against the wall of the jar.
Akashi threw the piece away.
All of his actions had the effect of calming his restlessness down, slightly. Akashi let out a sigh of relief. The restlessness had finally stopped ballooning within him. But it was still prodding at him, throbbing within him.
So Akashi went towards his DVD player, and pressed play. The disc of Tetsuya's match was still in there. It had remained in there since the first time. It would have been troublesome to keep reinserting it every time he wanted to watch it. He moved towards his couch, and leaned back as the player started whirring and the video came on.
He watched it calmly. And then he watched it again. And again. And again.
His eyes were glued to the television set. He didn't know where his reality and the television reality of the match began or ended. His mind was completely absorbed, completely consumed. He couldn't take his eyes off Tetsuya.
He was going to press the play button again, when suddenly the screen went black. The player let out a loud buzz, which was extended for a second, then stopped abruptly.
Akashi's eyes widened. He remained sitting on the couch for a moment. Then he got up, and moved towards the machine. He pressed the play button with one slim finger.
Nothing happened.
A sudden rage swept over Akashi. He pulled back his arm, wanting to punch the machine. But just as his fist was about to make contact with it, he stopped. His self-control had kicked in.
No, he told himself. That would be an extremely illogical, and ridiculous action.
His hand dropped to his side. He remained crouched by the player, for a long, long time.
Several months later, after the championship match with Meikou. April, Kyoto.
It was the start of the school day. Akashi was on his way to Rakuzan High. It had already been three weeks since he started attending the prestigious school.
Three weeks. Twenty-one days. And yet, despite the bustle of the new school year, Akashi still couldn't shake off from his mind the final conversation he had had with Tetsuya.
Tetsuya had wanted to quit basketball.
Akashi remembered what he did after he found out about that. He had gone home, and then walked straight to the moth within the jar. He had picked up the jar, and looked at it. And then, he had shaken it. Not just once. Not just twice. He had shaken it many, many times. The moth followed the rapid up and down movements. It was pathetic, now that it had lost the function of one wing.
After shaking it, Akashi had abruptly stopped. The moth had twitched its legs, still clinging on to its desperate life on the floor of the jar. Akashi had then unscrewed the cap of the jar, and inserted his fingers into the opening.
Anger had been festering poisonously within him, wracking him in the insides. He had felt the sudden desire to rip the moth into pieces. That action would have appeased his anger, he knew it.
But just before his fingers touched the moth, he had paused. He thought of Tetsuya.
Tetsuya is stronger than that. That is what makes him so...interesting. He would never let this one match affect him to the point of quitting a sport he loves.
At this realisation, Akashi had pulled out his fingers from the jar, and screwed the cap back on again. He had placed the jar carelessly back on the table, and gone to take a shower. He didn't think about how the moth looked, jerking its legs feebly in the transparent jar.
Sure enough, merely a short period after that, he had another conversation with Tetsuya. Tetsuya was going to return to basketball after all. But that wasn't the interesting bit. The interesting part, was what Tetsuya had said.
'I won't run away anymore.'
That sentence filled Akashi with a euphoria so strong, it made his pulse quicken and his breaths shorten at an exquisite pace. It would be so interesting to fight with Tetsuya. But amidst that euphoria, Akashi felt the usual restlessness that came whenever he thought of Tetsuya. And he felt frustrated. He was frustrated because Tetsuya no longer listened to him. He was now in constant defiance and opposition.
Our push and pull dynamic has disappeared, Tetsuya. That enticing, breathtaking, magnificent connection we had. It made us so close. It made us so different. It made us so...intimate.
Akashi sighed as he walked through the gates into the Rakuzan school grounds. I will not be able to find anything like that with any other person again, Tetsuya. Why did you have to ruin us like that?
Although Tetsuya's words had excited him greatly, the frustration and anger at losing that deep intimacy had made him go to the moth again after school that day. However, just as he shook the jar and unscrewed the cap, he glanced at the insect. It was still, and unmoving.
It was dead.
So Akashi didn't even have the moth to assuage his restless emotions. Nevertheless, Akashi soon had to prepare for Rakuzan and his move to Kyoto. He busied himself with the inane preparations and arrangements. Throughout all the mundane tasks, Akashi thought of Tetsuya. His words resounded in his mind. He could hear every conversation he had had with Tetsuya. He could see Tetsuya's look of determination, with every turn of his head. He could see all of Tetsuya's matches, his shadow passes. He could see that first match which excited him, now deeply imprinted in his mind.
All of that replayed and resounded in his mind constantly, like buzzing flies.
The school day went by without ado. Then it was time for basketball practice. Akashi was already captain of the team. It was part of the arrangement when he chose to attend Rakuzan.
As the undeniable best player on the team, he split his time between observing the players and practising his core skills. He thought Kotarou, Eikichi and Reo were...adequate. At the very least, his current team would be able to triumph over his former basketball colleagues without a doubt.
But I won't have Tetsuya and his exceptional passes in the shadows.
He walked over to the third-stringers. He couldn't help scoffing as he observed them.
Pathetic. He watched one of the players perform a jump shot. The ball fell through the hoop, but it had brushed against the rim. Truly pathetic.
He continued walking by the side of the courts, eyes raking over each player's movements. With every player he laid eyes on, he felt a mounting sense of frustration.
Will my high school basketball be this dull? Will I not find that exquisite harmony- disharmony ever again?
He fought off a sigh, then turned his head arbitrarily. His eyes fell on a grey-haired boy, doing stamina drills.
Suddenly, he saw an image of Tetsuya, panting hard and sweating profusely.
The image disappeared. It had only lasted a second. He saw the grey-haired boy again. He was doing his stamina drills at a very good pace. But it was nothing compared to what Akashi was used to.
Nevertheless, the boy had incited something within Akashi. He was intrigued, captivated. A strange, intimate form of curiosity, Akashi said to himself in his mind.
He spent the rest of practice watching the boy. With every passing minute, Akashi felt his excitement compound. His breathing was starting to quicken imperceptibly. He was blinking at a slower rate – he didn't want to miss a single microsecond of looking at the boy. His palms were getting increasingly sweaty.
The boy had a hint of arrogance in his visage. He moved as though he thought no one should cross him. Nothing like Tetsuya.
And yet. What is this... Akashi sighed. He placed a hand over his chest. What is this...feeling?
His heart pounded in his chest beneath his hand.
Akashi followed the boy everywhere he went. Even after practice, when he went into the changing rooms. Even as he walked out of the school grounds. Akashi just couldn't get enough of that feeling. That emotion, whenever he looked at the boy, and observed his every movement.
He spent the next two weeks discreetly watching the boy.
But then, the boy soon quit basketball. Akashi had gone into practice one day, and the boy was nowhere to be found. He immediately quashed the rising anger, in favour of a more logical solution.
He knew where the boy would be. So he merely went to the rooftop, and he spoke to the boy.
Gratitude. Dependence.
Weakness.
Akashi smiled. "Mayuzumi Chihiro. I will teach you everything I know about the phantom sixth man of Teikou."
Mayuzumi Chihiro was prideful.
He was defiant. He was sarcastic.
He was hardworking. He was dedicated, determined and committed. He was devoted to basketball.
All of that evoked a familiar feeling within Akashi, one that he felt constantly.
All of that made Akashi feel an overpowering sense of restlessness, only ever resolved when he looked at Chihiro, when he talked to Chihiro. When Chihiro returned his words with sarcasm and defiance.
Push and pull. Obey and disobey.
Akashi dreamt of the fire again.
Its fiery tendrils were right in front of him, less than a foot away from his face. He could feel its scorching heat, burning and blistering away. His skin was so near the heat. He could feel every bead of sweat oozing out from his pores.
But the flames were near enough. They were reachable.
The tongues of fire danced mockingly in front of Akashi, tauntingly in front of him.
But Akashi merely smiled. The fire was already within his grasp.
He reached out a hand, and plunged it into the flames. The tongues of fire licked at his skin, burning it, scalding it. The first layer of his skin peeled off. Pain shot through his hand, starting from his fingertips and slinking right through his whole body.
Akashi closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. Basking in ecstasy.
Note: If you found Akashi weird here, you'll find him even weirder in the next chapter. Just a fair warning. XD