A/N: This is utter crack, created while I was writing "Time Travel" (better read it first or you might end up hopelessly confused). It's an unofficial sequel of sorts that shouldn't be taken seriously.
On the "Harry Potter" side it's a massively handwaved AU with incredibly unclear past taking place some time after year 4. It's been a while since I read the books, and fanfics muddled my memory even further, so any possible accuracy goes right out the window.
It's crack so don't go here looking for logic. You won't find any.
Chapter 1: Deus Ex Machina
The atmosphere in Hogwarts was filled with fear as the younger students huddled together waiting for their turn to use the portkey and escape from the doomed castle. The children barely suppressed their terror, afraid of even looking out the windows yet desperately wishing to know what was going on outside the walls. The upper year students were not in the castle, and neither were the teachers, only few remaining to lead the evacuation. They stood on the ground below, grim-faced and determined, ready to face the enemy.
And face the enemy they did, for Lord Voldemort himself was there with a veritable army of Death Eaters just outside the glimmering transparent walls.
"Don't think your spells will hold for long," the dark wizard hissed. "Bow before me and I just might spare your miserable lives."
"I'll never bow to you, Voldemort!"
Thin lips stretched into grotesque smile. "Ah, Harry Potter! How wonderful to see you here! Don't worry, you I won't let survive."
"Harry will kick your ass, you slimy snake!" Ron yelled, his ears red with anger, as the similar shouts echoed from the rest of the students that chose to fight, while the teachers and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix glared in defiance.
Dumbledore frowned, his blue eyes without the usual twinkle, and then addressed his former student – his greatest failure. "Leave now, Tom, while you still can. I won't let you hurt the children."
"Don't call me by that name!" the dark lord spat. "And I won't leave until you lay dying on the ground as your precious mudbloods are slaughtered before your eyes!"
The headmaster of Hogwarts shook his head disapprovingly, and gripped his wand a bit tighter. "You won't win, Tom."
Voldemort snarled in rage, but forced himself to calm down. "We'll see."
He flicked his wand at the transparent glass dome covering the castle and the school grounds – heavily enchanted and designed to stop almost any curse – and began dismantling the spells. The protectors of Hogwarts shifted into battle stances, knowing it was only a matter of time before the barrier fell. It was only created to buy time for the younger students to escape, but the Floo system no longer worked and the portkeys took time.
They were determined to fight till the very end, yet few were sure of their survival, for the situation was grim indeed.
What they needed was a miracle.
The bright light flashed suddenly just outside the wall, and even Voldemort stopped his work, everyone equally astonished at the strange occurrence. The light faded just as suddenly, and everyone gasped at the sight of eight – no, those couldn't possibly be humans – creatures that appeared from within it.
The newcomers looked around, before one of them spoke in a strange language. It sounded eastern, Japanese perhaps, though Hermione thought she heard the words 'déjà vu'.
The speaker was fairly tall and lean, dressed in long black coat, with chalk-white skin and long orange hair. However the first thing she – and indeed anyone – had noticed was the grinning skull he had instead of a face and two long curved horns protruding from his temples. His voice sounded oddly reverberating and strangely, he didn't open his mouth to speak. Was it just a mask then? She hoped it was.
The next person to speak was a young glasses-wearing man with jet-black hair. His clothes were white and certainly odd, but at least he looked normal… No, no he didn't, because the blue glow emanating from his back suddenly shifted and with astonishment Hermione noticed wings, seemingly made of light.
The third speaker only remotely resembled a human being. He had a large head of a snake, seemingly too large for his body, with a mane of red hair while the rest of him… The young witch couldn't even begin to guess just what sort of a creature he was. He had no legs, just a long tail, his stance similar to that of a cobra. The entire body was light gray and segmented, looking quite a bit like a spinal column, and the tip of the tail lengthened into a thin blade. The creature, however, did have arms, segmented like the rest of his body and ending with clawed hands. His voice sounded normal enough, but his jaws didn't move as he spoke.
The cheerful female voice sounded next, the bright-haired girl looking so unbelievably normal, that it was an oddity in on itself. She was dressed in muggle clothes, so out of place both in the Wizarding World and between the monsters she arrived with, and yet she showed no fear whatsoever, entirely comfortable while surrounded by creatures that the nightmares were made of.
The next speaker towered over them all, not quite as tall as Hagrid, but certainly bigger than an average human. His skin was darkly colored and his long brown hair hid his eyes. His voice was even and measured, the low timbre quite fitting his stature. Just like the winged man he looked almost normal but definitely wasn't, since what at first seemed like rather odd sleeves were actually his arms. His right arm was black with strange red designs, the forearm impossibly wide, like a shield of some sort. His left arm was white, with a spike on his elbow, his fingers tipped with red.
"What the hell?" Ron whispered, astonished at the sight of the next creature, and Hermione suddenly remembered the beginning of their third year. Professor Lupin had told them about a boggart that tried to turn into two different things at once and didn't look threatening at all as a result. This thing, however, even while looking like dozens of creatures mashed together certainly had the 'scary' part down.
Harry shook his head, swearing under his breath. He had faced a basilisk and a horde of dementors but this thing was the scariest creature he had ever seen. The creepiest part was probably its head because it looked completely human, with young male face and short black hair sticking every which way. The rest of its body, however, was a nightmarish mess of insectoid limbs and tentacles and mismatched wings growing at odd angles. Yet just before his eyes its form shifted and shrank, the excess limbs disappearing as the creature took on a more humanoid form. Just what the hell was it? Because no metamorphmagus, no animagus, probably not even boggart could change forms like that.
The next speaker was a petite woman, entirely normal-looking if not for all the white. Her clothes were white, her skin was white, even her hair was white! She looked like someone had dumped a sack of flour on her, but compared to the rest of the creatures the oddity was so incredibly mild, it barely even deserved a mention.
The last person to speak was as tall as the guy with the strange arms but very lithe. He was dressed entirely in black, his body hidden completely under the dark cloth. Even his head was wrapped in a black scarf, just a few tufts of white hair poking out, which made Harry immediately if, perhaps, unfairly dislike the guy, as he remembered professor Quirrel and his turban. Unlike the now-deceased professor though, the man in black hid his face as well with that same scarf, so only his left eye and cheek were visible. There was also something that made Harry doubt his eyes – and glasses – because there were shadows surrounding the man. Moving shadows!
The creatures meanwhile had all looked at the horned man who snapped at them, his words unintelligible but his voice obviously annoyed. They continued talking to each other, before that same guy turned his attention to the assembled wizards and witches. He asked something in a language no one understood and waited for response while they stared back and tried to decipher just what the hell he wanted.
"Am I the only one feeling déjà vu here?" Ichigo asked, the horned mask hiding his expression of utter confusion.
"Hmm," Ishida spread his bright blue wings. "Ultimate techniques activated? Check."
Renji twisted his snake-like body glancing around, "No idea where we are? Check."
"No idea how we got here?" Orihime piped up. "Check."
"No idea what happened?" Chad said after searching his memory. "Check."
"Powers totally out of whack?" Kaien grimaced trying to shapeshift into more or less humanoid form. "Check."
Rukia crossed her arms and nodded, "Yep, sounds familiar, alright."
Kokuto shook his head in disbelief, "Why do you people always get into stuff like this?"
Everyone looked at Ichigo in response. Feeling their stares he snapped, "Hey, don't look at me like that! How should I know?"
"Well," Renji drawled. "You are the one who always attracts trouble."
"And weirdness," Rukia added smirking.
"And drags us into it," Ishida said pushing his glasses up.
"How is any of it my fault?" Ichigo yelped then shook his head noticing the people staring quite creepily at them.
"Let's ask, maybe they know something!" Inoue chirped with a bright smile.
Ichigo shrugged. Why not? "Oi, who are you, people, and where the hell are we?"
The two – he was pretty sure there were at least two – groups of oddly dressed people with sticks of all things in their hands stayed quiet. And stared, can't forget the stares. Trying not to feel too creeped out, the orange-haired young man glanced around. "Oi, people with sticks!" No response. "What's with the staring?" he asked bewildered.
"It's like they've never seen Shinigami before," Rukia said brushing the ice and snow off her sleeves absentmindedly.
"Or Quincy," Ishida added, his wings twitching in irritation.
"Or Hollows," Kaien said distractedly. His body still refused to change completely, leaving the Espada with a bat-like wing instead of his right arm and a bunch of tentacles growing from his left one.
"Or Demons," Kokuto remarked with disinterest as the shadows twisted and danced around him.
"Or Fullbringers," Chad continued in a slightly bemused tone crossing his arms – not an easy task since they were already transformed for some reason.
"Or even humans," Orihime added in surprise.
"Or… whatever the hell Kurosaki is," Renji smirked.
"Hey!" the aforementioned hybrid yelped. "I resent that remark!"
"You resemble it, Strawberry!" the redhead laughed ducking a swipe of a clawed hand.
"What's that supposed to mean, Pineapple?" Ichigo growled as the first red sparks of a Cero appeared between his horns.
"But it's true, Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime said cheerfully as everyone else nodded in agreement.
Ichigo threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "What is this, a 'pick on Ichigo' day?" Thinking quickly, he added, "And by the way, we don't know what Kaien is either."
As everyone turned to him, the dark-haired Shiba yelped in disagreement, "Don't drag me into this!"
Unfortunately, the others chose him as their next victim.
"Really, Kaien-dono," the youngest Kuchiki smirked. "Just what are you exactly?"
Ichigo sighed in relief, glad that the attention was no longer on him, and watched the comedy unfold.
"You are not Shinigami anymore, you are neither Hollow nor Arrancar and not even Visored since you have two Zanpakuto and no mask," Uryu remarked.
"So what are you?" Renji asked.
Kaien shifted from one foot to another with the 'deer in headlights' look as the dark violet tendrils hanging from his left sleeve twisted in discomfort. "Well… I'm- Umm… that is-"
"You have no idea yourself!" Kokuto snorted.
The Shiba clan head gave the Demon a wounded look. "That's it! I'm not talking to you!" He glared at the sniggering Shinigami, smirking Quincy, and his openly laughing cousin. "You are all so mean…!"