TITLE: My Way of Thinking
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Internal ramblings from Devon, mostly about Oz
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to someone who is not me. No money being made from this story. That happens to people who are not me. Some people have all the luck!
FEEDBACK: I'll take it all!!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Um, I've often thought about what kind of relationship Oz had with Devon. This doesn't explore it too deeply due to the fact that it's late, I can't sleep, and this is my way of dealing with that. Enjoy! *
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Mandy was clingy, I can handle a lot of things but clinginess ain't one of them. Joanne was a slut, not that big a problem until you have an itchy you-know- what. Sarah had an O.V.P, an over-protective parent. How can you have a quality time with a girl when her dad wants her back in the house for 10.30 otherwise you're gonna lose your balls? Tina was a slut. As was Tiffany, Rachel, Cindy, Sindy with an S, Yvonne and Hilary. The reality wasn't that great, but I was the only one to know the reality so what did it matter?
Actually Oz knew the reality too. He knew before me. He'd take a look at whoever I was going out with and shake his head at me. Not saying anything, like I'm supposed to know what his head movements mean! It annoyed the hell out of me. I'd just pretend that I didn't care what he thought but it would bug me all day. I'd find him and force him to tell me what the shake of the head meant.
He'd tell me straight; "She's a slut man" he'd say. "So?" I'd always ask "Means I'll be getting laid don't it? What's wrong with that?" He'd give me a look, "Don't you want something more? What about someone that you actually care about?" I'd laugh and call him queer and then go on my date with my slut, get laid, finish with said slut and feel like shit. I always blamed him for my feeling like shit. I was in a band for fuck sake! I was rock and roll! Sleeping with the groupies was all part of it! It was like a law or something.
It's not like he was a saint. He'd slept with more than a couple of the groupies. The sex was there for the taking and he took it. Then one day after a gig, he didn't. Then he never did again. I didn't understand it. So I asked him.
"It's not right."
Huh? But it was our duty! I told him so.
"Dev man, I'm just not happy living like that. I don't want a numerous amount of girls that I can feel good with for a night. I want one girl that I can feel good with for always."
One girl? Yeah right!
I started dating Cordelia Chase soon afterwards. Oz called her a Wonderland Tour, or was it Toy? Like a sex toy? Hmm..anyway, Cordelia was hot. But she was demanding, and mean. It turned me on. But she wouldn't put out. I stood her up. Why hang around waiting when girls are offering me every night?
Then something happened that turned all my thoughts on their head. Oz met Willow Rosenberg and fell in love. He was like, obsessed with her. I teased him about it, we all did. We'd call her Yoko and he'd roll his eyes. He wrote great songs though. When I'd see them together I'd feel a knot in my stomach. They were so happy. I was getting laid regularly but I wasn't that happy. To be honest I'd never felt so lonely. I never let anyone know though. Especially Oz.
Now I wish I hadn't stood Cordelia up that time, I liked her. Maybe she and I could have had what Oz and Willow had. Maybe not, but would it have killed me to try it? But then I think of the pain that he went through. The pain they both went through.
I asked Oz why he was leaving. He looked at me, his eyes were wet and I had to look away. The pain was too fresh and real. He told me everything, and I mean everything. Not just the reason for his leaving but everything. Their first meeting, their first date, their first kiss, their first time. And all the meetings, dates, kisses and times in-between.
When he left, I felt abandoned. Not just cause he was my best friend, not just cause he left the band in a lurch and not cause he left me with a wreck of a girl crying in his room but because he'd left me with no hope. Hope of love. If love cause that much pain then what was the point? Why bother with it when I can be pain free (well emotionally at least) sleeping around?
He came back just to leave again. Dejected and heartbroken. Only this time he didn't leave me feeling abandoned. He left me with the idea that when one door closes another opens. While the thought of living without Willow tore him apart inside, at least he had closure on that part of his life and he could move on. If Oz, a man who thought Willow was his life could think like that then I, Mr Live-Fast-Die-Young should have no problem.
He phoned the other night there. I told him I was going on a date with Becky Lovell. He was silent and I knew he was shaking his head. So I asked him what was up.
"She's a slut, man" He said.
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Internal ramblings from Devon, mostly about Oz
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to someone who is not me. No money being made from this story. That happens to people who are not me. Some people have all the luck!
FEEDBACK: I'll take it all!!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Um, I've often thought about what kind of relationship Oz had with Devon. This doesn't explore it too deeply due to the fact that it's late, I can't sleep, and this is my way of dealing with that. Enjoy! *
*
*
***
Mandy was clingy, I can handle a lot of things but clinginess ain't one of them. Joanne was a slut, not that big a problem until you have an itchy you-know- what. Sarah had an O.V.P, an over-protective parent. How can you have a quality time with a girl when her dad wants her back in the house for 10.30 otherwise you're gonna lose your balls? Tina was a slut. As was Tiffany, Rachel, Cindy, Sindy with an S, Yvonne and Hilary. The reality wasn't that great, but I was the only one to know the reality so what did it matter?
Actually Oz knew the reality too. He knew before me. He'd take a look at whoever I was going out with and shake his head at me. Not saying anything, like I'm supposed to know what his head movements mean! It annoyed the hell out of me. I'd just pretend that I didn't care what he thought but it would bug me all day. I'd find him and force him to tell me what the shake of the head meant.
He'd tell me straight; "She's a slut man" he'd say. "So?" I'd always ask "Means I'll be getting laid don't it? What's wrong with that?" He'd give me a look, "Don't you want something more? What about someone that you actually care about?" I'd laugh and call him queer and then go on my date with my slut, get laid, finish with said slut and feel like shit. I always blamed him for my feeling like shit. I was in a band for fuck sake! I was rock and roll! Sleeping with the groupies was all part of it! It was like a law or something.
It's not like he was a saint. He'd slept with more than a couple of the groupies. The sex was there for the taking and he took it. Then one day after a gig, he didn't. Then he never did again. I didn't understand it. So I asked him.
"It's not right."
Huh? But it was our duty! I told him so.
"Dev man, I'm just not happy living like that. I don't want a numerous amount of girls that I can feel good with for a night. I want one girl that I can feel good with for always."
One girl? Yeah right!
I started dating Cordelia Chase soon afterwards. Oz called her a Wonderland Tour, or was it Toy? Like a sex toy? Hmm..anyway, Cordelia was hot. But she was demanding, and mean. It turned me on. But she wouldn't put out. I stood her up. Why hang around waiting when girls are offering me every night?
Then something happened that turned all my thoughts on their head. Oz met Willow Rosenberg and fell in love. He was like, obsessed with her. I teased him about it, we all did. We'd call her Yoko and he'd roll his eyes. He wrote great songs though. When I'd see them together I'd feel a knot in my stomach. They were so happy. I was getting laid regularly but I wasn't that happy. To be honest I'd never felt so lonely. I never let anyone know though. Especially Oz.
Now I wish I hadn't stood Cordelia up that time, I liked her. Maybe she and I could have had what Oz and Willow had. Maybe not, but would it have killed me to try it? But then I think of the pain that he went through. The pain they both went through.
I asked Oz why he was leaving. He looked at me, his eyes were wet and I had to look away. The pain was too fresh and real. He told me everything, and I mean everything. Not just the reason for his leaving but everything. Their first meeting, their first date, their first kiss, their first time. And all the meetings, dates, kisses and times in-between.
When he left, I felt abandoned. Not just cause he was my best friend, not just cause he left the band in a lurch and not cause he left me with a wreck of a girl crying in his room but because he'd left me with no hope. Hope of love. If love cause that much pain then what was the point? Why bother with it when I can be pain free (well emotionally at least) sleeping around?
He came back just to leave again. Dejected and heartbroken. Only this time he didn't leave me feeling abandoned. He left me with the idea that when one door closes another opens. While the thought of living without Willow tore him apart inside, at least he had closure on that part of his life and he could move on. If Oz, a man who thought Willow was his life could think like that then I, Mr Live-Fast-Die-Young should have no problem.
He phoned the other night there. I told him I was going on a date with Becky Lovell. He was silent and I knew he was shaking his head. So I asked him what was up.
"She's a slut, man" He said.