Title: Broken Pieces.
Author: Danyliz
Fandom: Merlin.
Characters/Pairing: Gwen/Arthur and Merlin/Lancelot. Eventually Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot.
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Lancelot could be the villain in their story, if that brings happiness. Future fic.
AN: Reposted already betaed. Thanks to the amazing Anbessette for helping me with this. I hope I can bribe you into working with me again ;).
Disclaimer: Merlin belongs to the BBC, the fantasies are all mine.
Broken pieces.
Lancelot observes Merlin carefully. He is standing next to Arthur, looking calm and serious. Of course, the knight knows better. But just seeing him there, as the almighty court magician, makes Lancelot wonder about his friend. He seems happy; he still has his head after everybody discovered his gift. Arthur sometimes jokes about how good the fact that Merlin has magic is, and whether Camelot is now in more danger with a clumsy and very rude magician. That's something unique about their king. He has a dark sense of humor, often confused with arrogance. For Merlin, it is just arrogance. Still, Lancelot wonders… Is Merlin happy?
Because Lancelot is not happy. He loves someone who is forbidden. The king's fiancée, no less. Lady Guinevere, the most beautiful woman in all Camelot (at least in Lancelot's eyes) is the girl that Arthur finally chose to marry. And in that moment, the knight felt divided between his heart and his duty. Of course, his duty won. He is a knight. The king's first knight. His loyalty is above everything.
And with Arthur and Gwen getting married, Merlin and Lancelot are the ones left behind. Once married, Arthur will be seeking his wife's advice more than Merlin's. At least in subjects that do not require magic. It is a natural transition and Lancelot wonders if Merlin is as miserable as he is, but hiding it better.
Merlin was the first person in Camelot who had faith in him. And Lancelot cares about Merlin. Even if he looks no different from the teenager he met years ago, Merlin is now a grown and wise man. Except with the king. Those two always act like children when they are alone. Of course, they trust Lancelot enough to let him witness the witty jokes and the "prat" and "idiot" exchange now and then. This is the reason why Lancelot thinks that Merlin will miss the king the most.
Lancelot likes Merlin. He is a nice, kind man, and also handsome in a way. It would have been easier if he was in love with him. But apparently Camelot is the land of forbidden love. He loves Gwen. And he sure knows that the girl loves him back. But Arthur is the king, and Gwen loves him too. Her loyalty is to the king. Like his own.
Finally the meeting is over, and Merlin looks at him like he knows what he was thinking about instead of listening to what the other knights said. Well, it's not like they said anything important, after all. Everyone is talking about the wedding lately, and that is the last thing that Lancelot wants to discuss.
"If you'll excuse us, your highness, Lancelot and I need to talk about a few things."
If Arthur is surprised, he doesn't show any sign of it.
"That's a first. Should I be worried about the respectful way in which you address me?"
"Don't get used it. I promised Gwen that I'll be nice to you until the wedding. And you should not push your luck, your highness."
"And here I though you finally understood the easy concept of me being the king, and you being the court magician."
"Come on Lancelot. I'm grateful that you are still nice, even after being around Arthur so much. I was worried about his influence on you."
"I could say the same, Merlin. And you are far worse than me."
"Really? How come?"
"You are not as handsome as I am, and you are not the king."
"Oh, that decides it." Merlin rolled his eyes.
Lancelot is used to this. He feels like he belongs to a very noisy and strange family. And he is grateful that they feel comfortable enough to let him see them as themselves, and not just as the king and the court magician.
"We better go, Lancelot, before Arthur here decides that green is his color."
"Is that a threat? Let me guess… you are turning me… into… a toad. I think that one is the only spell you've got right so far."
"Prat".
That settles it. Whenever one of them glares indignantly, saying "prat" or "idiot", it is because the discussion is over.
As Lancelot follows Merlin down the corridor, he catches a glimpse of Arthur's eyes seeing them disappear. He has no idea what Merlin wants to talk about with him, but at least he took him out of that room filled with happiness over the wedding. It only makes Lancelot ashamed of his bitterness.
"I just thought that you wanted to get out of there, Lancelot." Merlin stops in front of the window, smiling.
Was he that obvious?
"Of course, I only noticed it because I know you. And I know about your feelings for Gwen. I assume that you don't want to hear about the wedding".
"It's fine. I just have to get used to the idea of…"
"Losing the one you love? And to someone you care for too? I know the feeling."
Lancelot lifts an eyebrow. He never speaks to Merlin about his private life, mostly because Merlin is Arthur's confidant, and Lancelot is Gwen's. It would appear almost like gossiping about their two friends.
"It is difficult on occasion. Seeing them," the knight finally admits.
"This is not something you'll be capable of fighting. This is not an enemy, or a creature you must defeat. This is something inside of you, growing every day. The question is: how long do you think you can control it, before it dominates you?"
"I would never hurt Arthur – I mean, the king."
"It's me, Lancelot, you don't need the protocol. If it makes you more comfortable, I'll refer to him as 'the royal prat'." Merlin winks at him.
"You just want an excuse to say it out loud because Gwen made you promise to behave in front of him," Lancelot smiles lightly.
"Well, she ruined all my fun." That pout in Merlin's lips is cute, in an extravagant way.
And just with that, Lancelot feels better. Talking to Merlin makes him feel supported. He needs that right now.
"Love is by no means something to be ashamed of. It can be destructive, of course, but if it is pure it can also be beautiful, and it helps you form boundaries. And your love for Gwen is pure. Your loyalty to Arthur is strong. You don't need to worry about hurting them. And you don't need to deny your love either. The moment King Arthur forbids loving someone, Camelot will come to an end. He is a prat, but he knows that love is not something people can control. Not even with magic, and believe me, I've tried. You'll never do anything to hurt them because you love them both. That's how pure your feelings are."
"You are very wise, my lord. Is that a requirement for your job, or is it just the speech you use with the ladies?" Arthur is not the only one who can joke with Merlin.
"My lord? I almost felt privileged," Merlin smirks "and sometimes I have to at least pretend that I know things. It's how I confuse Arthur most of the time. Don't be concerned about the future, great things are ahead of us. Ahead of Camelot".
Seeing Merlin so confident, Lancelot almost feels like he is with another person. Merlin sometimes still acts like that awkward boy who was all smiles and mysteries. But in moments like this, he looks so much older and wiser. Like he has lived hundred of years.
Lancelot doesn't know why… but he feels like kissing him. Maybe it is because he likes Merlin. Or because he needs to feel someone's lips on his. Just to make him forget. And he decides to stop thinking and do something. Kiss the king's high advisor, or leave and not make a fool of himself.
He leans very slowly, until he is a few centimeters from Merlin's face. Expecting the magician to just move back, Lancelot stands still. But Merlin doesn't move either. Finally, he brushes his lips against Merlin's, and even though he's never kissed a guy before, he imagined that a man's lips would be rough. He is surprised that Merlin's lips are very soft, and they feel good. Very good.
In fact, he has never felt this good kissing someone. Not that he is comparing.
Merlin parts his lips slightly, allowing entrance to Lancelot. He doesn't think twice. He never expected that Merlin was so passionate.
Maybe it's because he likes him, or Merlin has a gift, but that kiss is pure magic to him. He can taste something familiar in Merlin's mouth, but he just can't figure out what it is. At least not when he is feeling this good and his mind can't think of anything else besides how they're moving rhythmically together, like dancing.
Merlin pushes him away gently. His blue eyes are so intense, and he smiles kindly. His lips are red and swollen. He didn't kiss him that hard – or maybe he did, but it felt so good that he didn't pay attention to it.
He is ready to apologize, but Merlin just shakes his head, and passes by Lancelot's side, whispering "No regrets." He follows Merlin with his eyes until he is lost from sight.
And Lancelot finally knows what that taste in Merlin's mouth was. Something that he is very familiar with.
Loneliness.
The moment Lancelot sees the castle fill with climbing plants, he knows the cause: Merlin. Every event without a logical explanation is because of magic and, of course, Merlin. As he walks to the magician's room, he hears the servants whispering about the troubles with magic, and King Arthur's infinite patience with Merlin. He can't blame them. Even now that Merlin has learned about his magic and how to control it, sometimes things don't go well.
When he arrives to Merlin's room, he can see Arthur is already there. The door is open and Lancelot can listen clearly what they are saying.
"My castle looks like a plant! Care to explain why?"
Arthur doesn't seem angry, even with the harsh tone of his voice.
"It was a gift for Gwen. I just made a little error with the words I chose…"
"Clearly," Arthur snorts "and exactly when do you plan to fix this? I shall remind you that I'm going to get married in four days. I'll not…"
"Yes, yes," Merlin cuts him off "I know the rest of the speech. If I don't fix this, I'll be put in the dungeons without food and other horrible things will happen to me, even though I could easily ward off everything you do. Calm down, if you could stop your complaining for a minute, I could fix it right now."
"I've heard that before."
"Yes. But you keep complaining, basically it's your fault."
"Honestly Merlin, sometimes I think that you are sabotaging my wedding."
Of course Lancelot knew that it was a joke. But Merlin went pale, and even with Arthur smiling at him, he seemed to be lost about how to answer that accusation.
"Is everything well, Sire? The door was open; I hope you don't mind…"
"No, of course not, Lancelot, come in. As you can see, Merlin is trying to prove me how good he is at doing magic. Again."
Lancelot sees the gratitude in Merlin's eyes and smiles too.
"And I was saying to his as- I mean, to the king that he always thinks that every little event in the castle is my doing."
"That's because it IS usually your doing. Remember the flying objects?"
"That was a miscalculation."
"A knife almost killed me. I sure hope it was a miscalculation. And what about the missing books?"
"I didn't even use magic for that!"
"Exactly my point. You were a danger without magic; I don't think you two mix well."
"Well, you overreact to everything."
"And you are, by far, the worst magician in the world."
Lancelot almost feels like he is the third wheel in a lover's argument. Of course, you need to know Arthur and Merlin to understand the dynamic of their relationship. And as he sees the two of them quarrelling, he observes the smile in Arthur's face. His king is an expressive person. And he has different smiles. Like his kind smile, to Gwen. Or his smirk, for the enemies. But Lancelot doesn't know the meaning of this particular smile.
"If you have everything under control, I'll take my leave then," Lancelot interrupts them, because when they are like this it is difficult to know how long they are going to be exchanging sharp remarks.
"Lancelot, aren't you afraid that Merlin here will try to kill me if you leave me alone with him?" Arthur looks at Lancelot with wide eyes, pretending to be scared.
"My lord, I know the court magician very well. He would never do anything that brought you harm. You have my word on it."
"You are lucky that Lancelot believes in you that much, Merlin. He must see something good in you."
Merlin smiles shyly, fairly blushing. Lancelot thinks that he looks a lot younger.
"Very well Lancelot, if you don't see me in the meeting this afternoon, you'll know that this evil magician did something to me."
"You wish I would do something evil to you, sire."
Lancelot walks out the door and is about to close it when he hears Arthur saying, barely in a whisper, "You know I trust you more than Lancelot, right?"
And then, Lancelot knows the meaning of the smile on the king's face. That smile that only appears with Merlin.
Happiness.
The first time Lancelot kissed Merlin was mostly an impulse. The next time was because he wanted to help his friend with his loneliness. Eventually their kisses grow, and he knows it is just matter of time before this silent agreement turns into a more – intense relationship, probably after the wedding. That event will bring them closer. He loves Merlin. But not as much as he loves Gwen, and not in the same way. But Lancelot enjoys the touch of Merlin's hands, and his lips. If he is condemned to suffer, Merlin makes that suffering bearable.
Lancelot and Merlin usually cross paths in the hallways, and then from chatting they move on to kissing and touching. They both want it. And they both need it.
What they didn't expect was to be caught by Arthur.
"Am I interrupting you?" the king coughs lightly.
Lancelot freezes in the moment he hears Arthur's voice. Merlin also seems to go blank. They hurriedly tear apart, wondering what to do now.
"I apologize, sire." Lancelot is the first to break the awkward silence.
"Do you need something, Arthur?" Merlin also recovers quickly.
"I was searching for my court magician, since I was in need of him and he is at my service. Should I schedule your getaways to kiss my knights, Merlin?"
"Sire, I…" Lancelot couldn't let Merlin bear the fault in this.
"Of course not, your highness," Merlin interrupts Lancelot. "You were with your fiancée, I didn't think that you would need me at this hour."
"You are not here to make assumptions about when I need you. You are MY servant."
"I beg you pardon?" Merlin stars to get angry.
"You heard me. You are mine."
Lancelot suddenly feels like they are not talking about the kiss, but something more.
"Lancelot, if you are quite finished with sucking my servant's face, would you please leave us alone? We need to talk."
Arthur is also angry. Lancelot doubts if he should obey the order. Leaving him with Merlin could be wrong. After all, the both of them are to blame in this situation.
But then Merlin nods and Lancelot knows that he'll be okay. He bows solemnly before turning away from them, murmuring "Sire."
Of course, Lancelot can't go very far. He needs to hear what they are talking about. He is meddling in other people's private conversations, and in any other situation Lancelot would have walked away. However, he has to know if Merlin will be all right. Arthur sometimes is a little harsh with the magician. The last thing Lancelot wants is for Merlin to take all the responsibility.
"What the hell was that?" Lancelot hears Merlin ask.
"That's what I should ask you!"
"Well, I think it was rather obvious! If you don't know what we were doing, I fear for Gwen on the wedding night."
"This is not a joke Merlin! I'm serious! Why were you kissing Lancelot?"
"And exactly why is this any of your business?"
"He is a knight. You are my court magician!"
"Lancelot and I are both mature men, we don't need your permission to do whatever we want with our mouths."
"I couldn't care less about what Lancelot is doing in his spare time!"
"What's the problem, then?"
"You! You are the problem Merlin! I don't want you kissing people! I don't want you kissing someone else. I just want you to kiss me!"
Lancelot almost let his yelp slip out. Merlin and Arthur? For how long?
"We talked about this, Arthur. You are marrying Gwen. You are loyal to your promises. And besides you said that I should find someone too –"
"Well, I didn't think you would find them so soon, and in one of my knights." Arthur sounds defeated.
"I didn't expect it to happen this way either – things just came up like that, we didn't plan it.".
"Please Merlin – I know I ask for too much – but I can't lose you. Even when I can't give you what you deserve, I want you with me. Just with me."
Arthur leans into Merlin, capturing his lips gently. Lancelot can see all the love and devotion in those two. How come he didn't notice it before? It was so obvious ever since they were young, how much they care about each other. Giving up even their lives one for another. All this time Lancelot had the missing piece in the mystery. Merlin and Arthur are in love. But their loyalty to Camelot and duty to the people are breaking them apart.
"All you had to do was ask, you prat!" Merlin smiles sadly.
"But I'm selfish – and stubborn –"
"Well, yeah, I'm glad that you admitted it at least once. Nevertheless, I love you. And I know that you are not doing this for entertainment. You don't want to hurt me, or Gwen for that matter. I'm all right with being by your side, even if it gets lonely sometimes."
Lancelot has heard enough. As he turns around to leave them alone, he catches a glimpse of another kiss between them. Now he understands everything, and at the same time he feels like this is not worth it. He loves Gwen and his feelings are returned. Merlin and Arthur share a strong bond of love and care. Yet Arthur will marry Gwen. And he and Merlin comfort each other. They are miserable for the good of the kingdom.
Camelot is the land of forbidden love indeed.
Every story needs a villain. That's why Arthur is the most heroic king in the history of Camelot. He defeats the ones who bring harm and Camelot is safe with him in charge. Of course, his deceased father did a good job as well. Arthur learned everything from his father. However, after Uther died, Merlin told Arthur the truth about his magic. And the new king of Camelot decided that changes had to be made for the greater good. Merlin became court magician and high adviser. With that announcement people finally understood why Merlin was so weird all the time. Well – that really hasn't changed that much.
As the wedding approaches, Lancelot is divided between what he knows and what he must do. Merlin decided to be there for Arthur, not expecting anything in return. Lancelot understands that – after all, it is what he is doing with Gwen. But it doesn't seem fair. Merlin has been with Arthur for years with devotion and loyalty. Why can't the good guy get his happy ending?
And with Merlin's happy ending, Lancelot could be with Gwen. But Arthur needs an heir. He needs to get married, to secure Camelot's future. Lancelot wonders – Could Merlin transforms himself into a girl? If he can turn people into toads, why not turn into a girl?
These are just silly thoughts. He would never suggest anything of the sort to Merlin. Even though Merlin practically is a girl. He is slim and pale. With beautiful eyes. Maybe the only thing off is his ears, but that's part of his charm. Merlin could have been a beautiful girl. Better for Arthur than Gwen.
Sometimes love can make you think the weirdest things.
Lancelot has to check on Gwen once a day. It's his duty to see that the future queen is well and provide anything she could need. There was a time when Lancelot questioned this particular task. It was torture to be in the same room with the woman you love and yet can't touch. On the brighter side, he gets to see her every day. It's better to see and not touch than to have nothing at all, even when this breaks his heart day by day.
"Come in."
When Lancelot enters the future queen's room, the last thing he was expecting to see is Merlin. In a wedding dress. Looking like a girl indeed. Maybe the warlock had read his mind and decided it was a very good idea.
"Ahm – my ladies?"
"Ha, ha, very funny," Merlin frowns. "I'm just doing Gwen a favor, don't get snarky with me."
Lancelot sees Gwen standing right next to Merlin, smiling. Her beautiful smile and her bright eyes. He hardly is able to contain himself from taking her in his arms and never letting her go. Lancelot resists the urge to grip his chest tightly as he feels a pang of sadness overwhelm him.
"My dress needs a few adjustments. And Merlin kindly agreed to be my model since I have to make the arrangements in two days or I'll look ridiculous."
"My lady, I can send a maid to help you. You don't need to keep doing … this kind of work."
"I like to do these things by myself, Lancelot. I know Arthur wants me to be as useless as possible, but I'm capable of fixing my own wedding dress, don't you agree?"
"Of course, I never doubted that."
It was the only thing in which Gwen and Arthur strongly disagreed. Arthur wants Gwen to stop doing things that maids are responsible for. Gwen reminds him that she was a maid, and she likes to do things her herself without needing to trouble other people.
"Besides, when else would I have an opportunity to see Merlin in a dress? He is just adorable."
"I know I look silly."
"Lancelot, what do you think? Isn't Merlin a beautiful bride?"
And the thoughts about Merlin being a girl are back in Lancelot's mind.
"Indeed."
"If you two are done with your jokes, I would like to take off this thing."
"Oh, no, wait a moment; I still have to make a few changes."
"My lady, are you well? Do you need anything?" Lancelot decides to ask about his duty, in order to let the two of them alone.
"Yes, actually, can you lift Merlin a little bit by the waist? I need to measure the dress, and I don't want him floating around. You know what happened last time."
Last time Merlin intended to float, he ended up in the stable. Arthur found it hilarious. Merlin decided that floating wasn't his thing after all.
"I resent that. I was learning." Merlin looks indignant.
"Did you keep practicing?"
"Well – no. But that's not the point!"
"It certainly is the point. I don't want my dress all dirty."
"That's what I get for trying to help."
"Very well. Excuse me my lady, I'm going to take you gently by the waist and –"
"Funny, Lancelot. Just do it. This couldn't get more embarrassing."
"Aren't you a beautiful bride, Merlin? You'll make someone a lucky husband one day," Gwen smiles broadly while she pins the bottom of the dress.
Arthur enters the room, approaching them with a smile at the scene. Lancelot tries to remain calm, but the knight can see the flash of jealousy reflected in his king's eyes.
"Arthur! You are not supposed to be here! It's bad luck for you to see the bride!"
"Well, if I was to get married to Merlin, it'd be bad luck for sure! I was wondering where my court magician, my best knight and my fiancée were. Besides, darling, it's almost time for the banquet."
"I'll just do some arrangements to the dress, and then they'll be all yours."
Lancelot notices the small smile on Arthur's face. Sadness.
"Merlin, don't do anything stupid."
"Is that an order, sire?" Merlin smirks.
"It should be common sense, but in your case, yes, it's an order."
The room suddenly became silent. The playful environment was broken by the serious tone in Arthur's voice. His comment almost felt like a warning for all the people in there.
"Well – " Gwen tries to ease the tension "I'm almost done Arthur, you should –"
"Yes, yes, I'm going back to the dinning hall."
"I should go too –"
"Of course Lancelot, you can put Merlin down; I don't need him in your arms any more."
Gwen saw the look on her future husband's face. She knows that Arthur's heart belongs to someone else, but that still doesn't mean that she is not hurt by all the unhappiness around them. They are drowning in their decisions. And not even Merlin's magic can save them this time.
Slowly Lancelot lets go of Merlin, stepping aside. No more jokes or laughs. The room is full with despair and sadness.
Arthur and Lancelot leave the room in complete silence. Lancelot has felt awkward around his king since the kiss incident. It's worse now that he knows how the king feels about Merlin.
"I forgot my sword –" he says finally, noticing the blade missing from his waist.
Arthur looks at him lightly and only nods. Lancelot takes that as permission to go and get it.
Lancelot is about to knock on the door when he hears Merlin's voice.
"It's not fair to you, Gwen. You deserve better." The magician was raising his voice with every word he said.
"Better than the king? I highly doubt that I could get someone who beats Arthur."
"You know what I meant. He acts like an idio-"
"What did I tell you about insulting my future husband?"
"He's not even here! And he deserves it, the idiotic prat! We all know this marriage is something we have to do and accept, and yet he acts like a child, just because Lancelot and I –"
Lancelot doesn't hear a sound, but he is sure that Merlin's face must be very flustered.
"I know that this is hard, Merlin. You love him, and he is going to marry me. Sometimes I wonder if you will hate me in the future."
"I could never hate you, Gwen. I love you."
"You say that now. But when you see your happiness taken away from you, it's only a matter of time before the resentment starts to grow."
"How about you? Are you going to hate me?"
"Why would I hate you?"
"Because Lancelot and I –"
"If the things were different – If Arthur wasn't the king, and Lancelot wasn't the high knight, we could all be with the ones we love. But we are not in a perfect world. Promise me, Merlin. We are going to stay together, no matter what. Always."
"I can't promise you that, Gwen."
"So it's true, then. You are going away after the wedding."
"How did you know?"
"I heard you talking with Leon about going away so you can learn more about your magic. Does Arthur know?"
"No. Honestly, I'm planning on going away without telling him."
"He would never forgive you for that."
"He would never let me go if I didn't do it this way. However, I can promise you this: I´ll return."
"How long are you going to be away?"
"I don't know. You understand why I have to go, right?"
"Yes. I just wish that things could be different."
Lancelot walks away, his sword soon forgotten. He didn't know that Merlin was planning on going away. He can understand this too. It's painful enough to lose the one you love. But to see that person with someone else, and know that this person loves you back, is like living in a nightmare everyday.
Every story needs a Villain. Lancelot could be the villain if that could bring happiness eventually.