You've Got to Be Kidding Me

A Hunter X Hunter Fanfic

by Ongaku no Usagi

Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter. It belongs to Togashi Yoshihiro.

The blush was neither natural nor out of embarrassment.

No, no, no, au contraire; Biscuit Krueger blushed and hid purely because it was fun, and because if she didn't, she would probably perplex the heck out of her two proteges, Gon and Killua.

Ah...but Hisoka really was...MANLY.

Now, post Greed Island, she found herself in that very female habit of daydreaming about the man with the orangish-red hair. That's what she was doing now, lying on her back in the middle of a meadow (because if she was going to be cliche, she was going to do it properly), absentmindedly plucking the petals from a daisy and murmuring "He loves me he loves me not".

Boredom gave way into the more hentai measures of daydreaming, with the smug satisfaction that being in her 50's she was entitled to such thoughts.

Yeah, sort of like that.

But Biscuit Krueger is the kind of woman who determines what she wants, and then goes out and gets it. The hunt is half the fun. Therefore, a few days later found her scouring the Hunter site for any hints as to Hisoka's whereabouts.

Granted, Hisoka, even as a former Spider, was still just as good as any of them at hiding his presence when he wanted to. But Biscuit had not been a hunter for God-knows-how-many-years-already for nothing. And so the information was found, and she began the hunt.

It started, like most hunts, in sniffing out the tracks. Unlike most hunts, she had the added advantage of a young, extremely cute appearance.

"Ano, sir," she asked, giving the man cleaning glasses behind the bar her trademark large, glistening eyes, "I'm looking for a friend. He's about yea tall" (reaching up above her head) "wears clothing with stuff like hearts and spades and clubs printed all over it, and he's got orange-red hair. I heard he was in here not long ago. Could you tell me where he went?"

The bartender had been placidly wiping out the glasses during her description, but when she talked about his hair, he looked up, startledly, almost dropping the glass.

"Orange-red hair?"

"Yes, that's right."

He twirled the glass expertly between three fingers and then set it down behind the bar. "There was a man of that description, but his hair was black."

Black? That didn't make sense. Biscuit did not know, as Gon and Killua did, that Hisoka was in the habit of changing his hair color. Nevertheless, it was a start.

"Could you tell me where he went?"

A little grunt, then pointing of the fingers. "I think he turned left at the street corner."

She clasped her gloved hands together and smiled up at him. "Thank you so much!"

Left at the corner. Mmm...it had probably been between 15 minutes and 30 minutes since he had left. She picked up her pace. No telling how far he could have gotten.

There were signs. The corner shop there, the sidewalk here; for some reason, they had the quality of having been touched by that person. It was like the scent of cigar smoke that clung subtly to a silk tie.

The train station was the last place like that. After that, the trace vanished; therefore, it was only deducible that he was on the train that had just pulled out.

She smirked when the station master asked her if she wanted a ticket. "No, thank you," she answered, and bounded away with super-human speed in the direction of the train.

It was not difficult to catch. Having reached the caboose, she jumped and grabbed hold of the railing and hauled herself up.

She got past the guards outside and inside easily. Big eyes will do wonders.

Thus she began the final search. It did not last long.

"Aha! I found you!"

Biscuit's face popped around the corner. Hisoka, where he had been gazing out the window at the passing city, looked up. "Ah, it's you," he said, in that voice which was simultaneous extreme boredom and extreme excitement. He regarded her with semi-interest. "Gon's teacher."

"Was." She invited herself in, plopped down on the seat next to him. "I've been looking for you."

He raised his eyebrows, licking his lips slowly. "Sorry, but I'm not into the ripe fruit type."

"Oh, what the hell do you know. I could easily increase my power tenfold if I wanted, but anyway, that's not the sort of looking for you I was talking about."

He leaned forward, sliding his arm around the back of the seat so that their noses almost touched. She stubbornly stayed where she was, not so much as blinking an eyelash. "And what kind of looking for me were you talking about?"

She closed the distance so that their lips almost touched. With a spark of pure feminine trouble, she lowered her eyes and deliberately blew wetly on his lips.

He stayed like that for a moment before lifting away. "Ah, that sort of looking for me."

She smirked. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

"To get some?"

"Something like that. No, I could get some easily. But getting some gets boring."

"Except with the sort of dangerous person that might strangle you to death in the middle of passion."

"Exactly."

He waved a hand lazily. "Whatever."

She tilted her head up at him, and he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Exactly how old are you?"

"Fifty-three."

"Oh, that's all right, then." Then he stooped and kissed her.

Fifteen minutes later heard childish laughter swinging around the corridors.

"Ne, Killua," said the spiky-haired kid, one arm pulling himself in circles around a pole, "do you hear that?"

Cat-eyes squinted in concentration as his friend listened carefully. Between the lulling bumps of wheels on tracks and screeching of brakes, he could distinctly hear light gasping.

Their eyes met; Gon's in confusion, Killua's in mischief. They followed their ears down the corridor, pausing outside the door where it was coming loud enough that they didn't even need the extra training they had.

"One, two, three," whispered Killua, and they slid the door open together.

Gawking. Open mouths, bugged eyes, floppy limbs that yet somehow managed to shut the door, very very quickly.

The blush was very natural, very embarrassed.

After a minute, Killua gave Gon a look of mixed disgust and glee. "Well."

Gon still had not recovered. He swallowed hard. "Ne, Killua," with a voice that was cracking from a sudden forced revelation stealing precious years of naivety, "wh...what exactly were they doing in there?"

Killua gave a low sound which was chuckle mixed with clearing of the throat. "Uh, well, you see, Gon, when two people like each other...they...um..."

"But...but...Biscuit? And Hisoka? That...that...sort of...thing..."

Killua nodded seriously. Then he shook his head, as if to clear out cobwebs. "You've got to be kidding me."

Gon sighed as the two of them retraced their steps, their adventure having ended not quite in the way they'd expected. "Yeah."

Author's Notes: Heheh, I don't usually write this sort of thing, mostly because I disapprove of that sort of relationship. But...it's Biscuit and Hisoka, after all, they haven't got a lick of morals. It's hardly even romance.

Ah, but it was so much for to write...sorry if I tread on anyone's toes.