Title: My Name is not Bradley – Sincerely, Face
Author: sss979 with influence from several others
Rating: PG
Summary: 1980s characters reflect on 2010 characters.
Warnings: A little abrasive, but the title says it all. Mild language.
*Face steps onstage in a grey suit and tie and walks to the microphone with a smile. Glancing out at the crowd of A-Team fans, young and old, he taps the mic.*
Face: This thing on? Ah, yes. *Puts his hands in his pockets.* Good evening everyone and thank you all for coming. I'm going to try and keep this brief, but there's just a few minor issues I wanted to address about this new movie that's coming out.
*Murdock steps on stage and politely leans in to speak into the microphone, in front of Face*
Murdock: WE want to address.
*BA steps on stage and is not so polite about getting to the microphone*
BA: Yeah! ALL of us!
*All pause and wait for Hannibal. When he doesn't show, they all glance at each other.*
Face: *remembering* Oh. That's right. Hannibal took a trip 'round about 1994 and hasn't been seen since. But I'm sure he'll be making an appearance sooner or later because I'm sure he's got a rather strong opinion on the topic at hand.
Murdock: We all do.
Face: First of all, I'd just like to clarify… I am NOT Bradley Cooper.
Murdock: Of course you're not. You're clean and well-groomed.
BA: Yeah! What's up with the greaser look?
Face: *Shifts uncomfortably* I think it's supposed to be sexy or something. Which… okay… new generation, younger fans… *reflectively* Apparently women nowadays have a thing for grease and dirt and five o'clock shadows… *shakes it off* But it's still NOT me. It's the very antonym of me, in fact. Almost as much as the idea of being in love with one particular woman, which brings me to my second point.
Murdock: *smiling* Ah, yes, Jessica Biel.
Face: It's nothing personal. I swear. She seems like a really nice woman. But relationship drama is just not my thing. We meet, we have dinner and fine wine, we have sex, we go our separate ways.
Murdock: No drama!
Face: Yes, it's a beautiful thing. No need to convince you that I love you, and no need to convince you that we're innocent. Which, incidentally, is not entirely accurate.
Murdock: Well, I'M innocent. Or, at least, I used to be… I was just a chopper pilot before. I don't know what I am now since I was wearing a beret – which looks like it could very well have a patch on it that's identical to yours - with my class As. Oh, and apparently I got convicted WITH you in this movie. But hell, I'm not even sure what my NAME is anymore.
Face: *confused* Your name?
Murdock: Yeah. My name - in the CREDITS – has always been HM Murdock. That's HM as in "Howlin' Mad". Not Howling. And definitely not James.
Face: Oh.
BA: What? Why they go and change your name!
Murdock: Actually? I think it was probably JUST to enrage the existing fans. Because even if they didn't want to use HM, it's not THAT hard to find a name that starts with an "H" or an "M".
Face: *sighs* You know, this whole movie looks awful outdoorsy to me. I don't have a problem with a nice cabin in the woods. But running around dirty and sweaty with my shirt off… I left that in Vietnam. And I'm glad to be done with it. Oh, and by the way. *turns to Murdock* If you ever hear me actually call Hannibal "boss", please feel free to hit me. Because if I say that, it means I've lapsed into an involuntary state of alternate reality where I look like a biker and talk like a street kid with an attitude problem. Sarcasm and crassness are two TOTALLY different things, people.
Murdock: *jaw dropped* Boss? *chuckles* What, did you suddenly turn into Tattoo from Fantasy Island?
BA: That reminds me, I ain't got no tattoos on my hands.
Face: *interjecting* And I have no tattoos PERIOD. DEFINITELY not my style. *smiles* Though if there are any eligible and attractive ladies out there who would like to check for themselves, that could easily be arranged.
BA: And if I DID have tattoos on my hands, they wouldn't say "pity" and "fool". Anybody who say "I pity the fool" when you say "A-Team" need to be taught a lesson. An IMPORTANT one. With THIS! *holds up fist. Note: no tattoos*
Murdock: *puts a hand on BA's shoulder* Now now, big guy, no need to get all bent out of shape… *gestures at the crowd* These are the FANS. They know and understand that the phrase "I pity the fool" was NEVER used in A-Team.
BA: "Pity" ain't in my vocabulary. And "fool" is used special. I don't pity people who are fools. I'd rather beat sense into them than pity them.
Murdock: *backs away just in case*
Face: You want to take a stab at Brad for me?
Murdock: Brad is not a fool. He's a pompous ass.
Face: *shrugs* Semantics. I'd do it myself, BA, but it's just not my style.
Murdock: *to the crowd* Show of hands, who wants to see BA beat up Brad-Face for that reckless comment about his hair that we ALL know reminded us of Frankie.
BA: What? What about my hair?
Murdock: *shields eyes from lights* Aw, crap, can't see. *shrugs* So much for the show of hands.
Face: *considering* Maybe I should sleep with Brad-Face's girlfriend.
Murdock: *skeptical* I dunno. She's awful bony.
Face: *shrugs* I've slept with worse. She'd be fun for a quick lay. Just as long as I don't have to pretend to be in love with her. I can only handle the "I love you" bit for about fifteen minutes, TOPS.
Murdock: *still skeptical* Just be careful you don't hurt yourself on her bony ass.
BA: Yeah, Face. And if you ever DO fall in love, it better not be for someone working with the MPs.
Face: Actually, I think she's supposed to be an old girlfriend or something. *shrugs* Which doesn't solve the problem.
Murdock: *laughs* Solve it? It makes it WORSE!
Face: True. I'm not willing to put that much effort – trying to make her believe we're innocent? – into ANY woman. Plus, we're NOT exactly innocent. We robbed the bank of Hanoi!
Murdock: Yeah, and incidentally…
BA: That ain't the bank of Baghdad! Hanoi in Vietnam!
Murdock: Right.
Face: I have the utmost respect for our troops in Iraq. Thank God it's not me. I've had enough of war for one lifetime. But that's just it. It's NOT ME. Different war, different feel, DEFINITELY a different homecoming reception.
Murdock: *mournful* I miss my jacket, guys… That was so… ESSENTIAL to my wardrobe! Even in the summertime.
Face: *sigh* Don't get me started on wardrobe.
Murdock: *chuckles*
BA: The point is, we wanna make a few things real clear for old fans AND new ones!
Murdock: Yes, because we love all of you. We REALLY do. And we REALLY wish that the almighty dollar didn't have such power to "improve" on us in order to make us attractive to a younger crowd.
Face: But the simple fact is, we can't change that. This movie is happening. Fans of Brad-Face WILL be having words with my writer in this little manifesto. And my fans WILL be having words with the writers of Brad-Face. We can all only bite our tongues for so long.
Murdock: So please. Let's agree right now to be who we are, unchanged, and allow the movie characters to be who they are. We can be pleasant to each other if we can just stay SEPARATE from each other.
BA: Yeah. Good idea.
Face: For those of you daring enough to expose yourselves to the horrors of which we speak, enjoy the uh… travesty of June eleventh.
Murdock: We wish you luck.
Face: And just keep telling yourselves. It's just another action movie.