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One Step Closer
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Remus Lupin strode down the cold dungeon corridor leading to Severus Snape's office, determination etched into every line of his face. That same determination flowed from every pore, radiated from his shabby robes, seeming to turn him into a pillar of determination, an unstoppable force bent on getting exactly what he wanted.
At least, that was really how he was hoping to appear to anyone who might see him.
In reality, his palms were sweating, his thoughts were muddled, and his insides seemed to have turned to mush. A warm, uncomfortable mush that squirmed and writhed disagreeably in his stomach. After all, it wasn't every day that he was bound for Snape's office, with the intent of revealing his feelings for the man at long last.
"Excuse me, Severus, but ah... I... well, I fancy you. And when I say I fancy you, I mean... really. Ever since we were in school together, you know. I think it was your studious, serious nature, your sense of... of responsibility
No. No, that was horrible. Tantamount to saying: "Hi, I'm Remus Lupin, and responsibility turns me on." And using the word "fancy" with Severus? Probably a bad idea all around.
With an inward groan, the lycanthrope slowed his steps as he actually reached the office door. Hadn't he been through all the ways of saying this already? But each new idea seemed more abysmal than the last. So then what was he doing now when he still had no clue as to what to say? Something had pushed him to it, almost -- maybe the weariness he felt at being constantly frustrated by his own inactivity on the matter. Seeing Severus nearly every day, as he hadn't for years following graduation from Hogwart's, might have been a factor as well. Or maybe he was simply tired of sleeping alone every night. Which might lead to the conclusion that he was just doing this now because he had been unbearably horny lately.
"Excuse me, Severus, but I need sex. And since you're the most likely candidate, I--"
Better to stop that approach before it even fully formed in his mind.
Lupin stood before the door, brushing absently at invisible lint on his robes, straightening his shoulders, taking deep, calming breaths.
"That's right, just stay calm. He can't do anything more than laugh in your face and slam the door shut. Or perform a rather nasty hex on you. Or slip some rare poisonous substance into your next goblet of pumpkin juice. Or--"
Before he lost his nerve completely, he raised a hand to rap on the door.
No answer.
He tried again, louder, but still got no response. Perhaps he had cast a silencing charm on the door, but just in case...
"Severus? It's me, Lupin. May I come in?"
Nothing.
Frowning, he reached for the doorknob. "Severus...?" Surprisingly, the knob turned, and the door opened. The startled werewolf found himself looking right into Snape's office, complete with it's row upon row of jars containing his private store of potions ingredients, it's plain wooden desk, and the large cauldron which Lupin knew for a fact that Snape brewed the wolfsbane potion in, having actually witnessed it once. But of the man himself, there was no sign.
Lupin closed the door softly behind him, and turned to examine the room a little more closely. A small blaze was crackling in the fireplace, there were a few papers, a quill, and an open inkwell scattered on the desk, and two jars had been removed from their places on the shelves, leaving obvious gaps. These jars had been placed on a small table next to the cauldron. All of this suggested that Snape had been present until recently. The potions master was one of the most meticulous persons that Lupin knew; he would not have left things out of place unless he had been called away quite suddenly, perhaps on emergency.
Musing on this, Lupin wandered over to inspect the contents of the two out of place jars. One was filled with a thick purplish liquid, and he could not be certain, but the darker shape floating in the midst of the solution almost looked like a liver. Although from the size of the jar, and the "liver" itself, it would have had to come from a very large animal. With a shudder, Lupin turned to look at the other jar, only to step back abruptly a few paces at the sight of what appeared to be thousands of small eyeballs floating in clear liquid. It wouldn't have been so bad if it didn't seem that they were all staring straight at him.
Lupin turned his back on the jars' gruesome contents and began to slowly pace the floor in front of the desk, the rhythmic motions somewhat comforting. So why had Snape left like this? And why had he left the door unlocked? Lupin had fully expected the room to be locked, warded, possibly even booby-trapped to prevent intrusion. Because that was just the way Snape was, cautious and over-protective of himself and his privacy. Maybe it really had been an emergency, or maybe...
Maybe he had known Lupin was coming. Swallowing hard, he began to pace faster without really noticing. But how could he know? Unless he was practicing divination. Or he had run across Trelawney earlier...
"Severus Snape, my dear boy! What I have read in your stars today...! I felt so compelled to warn you of your most dire situation. Early this evening, at approximately 5:19pm, your office shall be visited upon by a... you may not believe this, I know I had trouble myself... a gay werewolf! And if you lock your door, it will surely burst in by evil force! You must heed my warning and flee your office before that time, or you will surely face a fate worse than death!"
No. No, that was wrong on many counts. For one, Trelawney's predictions were not always that accurate even on her best days. For another, Snape had always thought divination was complete bollocks, and had even told Lupin as much during their time as students. There was just no way that she could know, and then tell him that... no. There was just no way.
Lupin continued his pacing while the eyeballs watched him from the table. He considered sitting on the floor behind the side of the desk, where they couldn't see him, but that was ridiculous. Snape would choose to return at that point, and what could Lupin say then?
"I was afraid of the eyeballs. Hold me?"
Definitely not.
For the first time, Lupin considered leaving and trying again some other day. It wasn't as though he even knew what to say, after all. And what if Snape decided not to even listen in the first place? For all he knew, he was still despised by the man.
Lupin had always believed that Snape kept lists of his enemies in his mind the way Filch kept lists of student wrongdoings in his expansive collection of file cabinets. Snape's mental lists would be carefully maintained, annotated and footnoted, with who did what to him, and when, and how best to pay back the slight. And he never forgot anything on those lists. In fact, Lupin's own name was probably there under the heading of "Werewolf", showing how Snape thought of him as something much less than human. And it probably read something like:
Werewolf.
Lupin, Remus J.
Cowardly dunderhead.
Capable of deceit, betrayal, possibly murder.
Smiles entirely too much.
Not to be trusted under any circumstances.
Lupin frowned again, conscious of the prickle between his shoulderblades whenever he turned his back on the blasted eyeballs, but choosing to ignore it. Would Snape ever give him a chance? Could he ever put aside his suspicion and resentment of a past that he had partly misunderstood, and listen objectively to Lupin's feelings?
Thatwas what he was really there to find out, he decided. He had had enough of his status as a "cowardly dunderhead", and was standing in Snape's office now to try to change things. If only Snape would listen.
"Excuse me, Severus, but I am a werewolf, as you know, and I am gay. I also think there is a distinct possibility that I'm in love with you. If you would allow it, I believe a relationship between us could be mutually beneficial, and--"
No, no, no.
The door opened, and Lupin stopped mid-stride. "Severus! I... let myself in."
"I can see that." Snape's tone gave nothing away, but his eyes were watchful and suspicious. The potions master looked down his long nose at Lupin and arched one eyebrow sarcastically. "Well?" Snape managed to do everything sarcastically, even things most people couldn't even imagine doing in that way.
The lycanthrope turned to face Snape, leaning against the desk in what he hoped to be a nonchalant manner. "Why... why was your door open? You went somewhere."
Yes, that was really great. Point out the obvious. He'll be so impressed.
"The headmaster came along and told me there was something I simply must see. He did not allow me to lock the door, despite my protests, as he said it was most urgent. But I did not find his urgency at wanting to make me look at flowers blooming outside, when it is spring and such things always happen, to be very plausible." He cast another interesting look at Lupin, who flinched.
"No! I mean... I didn't have anything to do with that, Severus. Honestly." Which was true. Maybe it was Dumbledore who was practicing divination. Then again, the man seemed to know almost everything before it happened in most cases... Maybe he had known that Snape would not have let Lupin enter on this day without being suitably distracted first. In which case, Lupin owed him something.
Snape continued to direct that penetrating gaze over at him, and Lupin fought hard against wiping the palms of his hands against his robes, smiling nervously instead. He wondered if Snape was the kind of person who could "smell" fear. It almost seemed likely.
As a werewolf, Lupin had used to wish that his condition gave him, in essence, "super powers". Heightened sense of smell, sharper vision, keener hearing, fantastic strength. But as far as he could tell, the only thing it had done for him was cause his facial hair to grow at a much faster rate than a normal male's. And whether or not that was a "super power" was highly debatable.
Still, he wished there was some way he could how Snape was feeling toward him now, some power he could use to sense it so he could act accordingly. Since that wasn't likely to be forthcoming all of a sudden after all these years... There was just nothing else for it. No more excuses. No more "cowardly dunderhead".
"Severus, I... Well. Would you listen to me for a moment?"
The other man's impassive face gave nothing away. "I have been, wouldn't you say?"
Lupin stood up straighter, hoping. This is it. Don't mess up. It was perplexing how he could feel so nervous now, when talking to Snape at any other time was easy. Well, comparatively easy, considering it was Snape.
"Would you like to have tea or something with me after supper tonight?"
That had never been one of the things he had ever planned on saying. But still...
Snape shrugged, a noncommittal gesture that somehow made him seem a lot less intimidating. "I suppose it would not hurt."
Lupin's jaw wanted to drop in shock, but he smiled wider instead. Snape scowled. However, that was just normal, so the werewolf didn't take it personally.
"Excellent."
It was excellent, because even if he hadn't come out with his feelings yet, he was one step closer. And that was a decent way to start.
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