I Don't Know….
I am a StarClan warrior. I was leader of ThunderClan. I am Bluestar.
I was fearless, noble and strong. I remember being a young apprentice, oh, those were the days. Carefree, happy…
What was it like turning my eighth moon? I can't remember. I do not remember much of my past, nor do I worry about my future, which is forever in the heavens of StarClan. Here, I am young. Here, I am free.
Yet…
I Don't Know.
I've made wise choices, yes?
I've made horrible ones, definitely.
I watch my apprentice, my warrior, my deputy, the cat who could have taken place as my very own son. He is different. Somehow, he knows where StarClan is without being there at all. Well, that little Firestar is special. He is truly.
I can't remember him ever being that scared, small, young kitty-pet. What was that name? Rutty? Rally?
No. There was only one name that would do him good; Fire.
I remember now, it was Rusty.
That warning Spottedleaf gave me. Oh yes, there were many sleepless nights, many tosses and turns. Fire will save the Clan, Spottedleaf had whispered to me.
And then, there was him. His pelt as fed as Dawn, as clear as the first flame, as warm as the sun, as bright, as beautiful, as fire.
I laughed at myself, it felt bitter-cold.
How could a miserable, weak, lowly kitty-pet such as this take care of my Clan?
No, those positions were saved for great warriors that stories were told about.
Like Tigerstar, right? Wrong. Dreadfully wrong.
He destroyed my Clan. He tore me to pieces. And yet I doubted that little heart of burning fire.
I was a fool. My judgment ruined my clan. I love ThunderClan, more than life itself. Whenever a new kit was born to the clan, I felt as proud as if I was their own mother. Mother? No, for now I am much to old. Perhaps Grand-mother?
I sigh. I doubted my clan. Had they doubted me?
I realized soon, I was useless. As useless as the youngest kit or the oldest elder.
I needed to do something. So I sulked in my own pride.
I was too proud to admit that my clan was ruined. But that was it. I was proud of myself and me only.
I forgot my virtues.
I forgot who I was.
I forgot my faith in that flame pelted warrior.
I forgot ThunderClan.
And…
I forgot StarClan.
I could of saved lives.
Swiftpaw died for ThunderClan. HE died to prove himself a warrior. And he was one. I was too blinded to see that.
And now, those bittersweet memories are meaningless. And dear Brightheart. How cruel was I?
A name like Lostface.
I gave her Lostface.
I swallowed in the fact that I was alone.
Firestar righted my wrongs.
Firestar. Fireheart. Firepaw. Fire.
Oh, Fire, you remind me so much of Oakheart.
I enjoy StarClan. I am pleased to be with Oakheart.
I Don't Know…
Is that why I gave you that name?
No.
You deserved it. You and your heart of Fire.
Stonefur is with me now. He was wise and strong.
It broke my heart to see my son die like that.
I loathe Tigerstar, all those minds he poisoned.
And you, Leopardstar!
Letting your Clan get taken over by a monster! Worse than the ones we see on Thunder-paths. The ones that kill more than a crash. The ones who kill by claws, bristles and bone.
You killed my son, even if you didn't know it.
And you fought for Graystripe's only kits. His only bit of Silverstream. I know what is like. Torn by kin and Clan.
I know I made the right choice. I respect Graystripe.
But you, you Leopardstar, those kits didn't need the experience. If you love something enough to fight for it, does it deserve to get hurt mentally and physically like that?
Oh Leopardstar, you are a coward. A sick one. But I'm not going to dwell on it.
Blackstar?
You are even worse.
You call yourself a Clan leader. I can't believe how you got from Outcast to where you are now.
Don't you remember, Blackstar?
You were one of the cats who helped that Brokenstar. Brokentail, I mean.
He trained kits to be apprentices at three moons old. And he blamed his own mother. There was not a speck of good in his heart.
And then, you got banished. I'm glad of that. You are a coward.
You killed my son.
I won't dwell on that either.
I guess I wasn't the best Clan leader in the world, right?
Would I ever be a better mother, I guess I'll never know.
I sometimes feel stupid. I used to pretend that Firestar was my son.
My own children were just as special.
My Mistyfoot.
I am so proud of her and Stonefur.
They were so noble, thinking about others. And when Stormfur and Feathertail decided to join RiverClan again, I knew that my kits had been the best of mentors.
I love sitting beside Oakheart and Stonefur.
All day we can just lay and talk and eat a thrush. Or vole. Or even one of those juicy, plump taste satisfying fishes which you can't catch much in ThunderClan area. It's barely tiring.
Oh, and not to forget my small, last born.
My sweet little Mosskit.
He was the one who greeted me when I joined the ranks of StarClan. I could have seriously died, again. That little kit.
He looked at me. He smiled. He got out from behind Oakheart's back leg.
"Hello mother! Welcome!"
Here in StarClan, I have my family.
They are so wise. I wish I was with them all my life.
But…
I Don't Know…
It's so hard to think of.
My life was good, yes?
My apprentice ceremony.
I hear them all in the background. "Bluepaw! Bluepaw!"
I felt as if those few moons were better than StarClan.
And then, my first mouse.
It was the best ever. Sinking my claws in, my mentor congratulating and praising me.
And then my warrior ceremony.
"Bluefur! Bluefur!"
The kind words of Sunstar telling me that I had deserved this for my brave skills through the hardships and battles.
And then, the apprentice ceremony.
It was wonderful to me.
It was also horrible. I had given up my kits. When it happened, I had told a lie.
Foxes, that's what I said. I don't think I could've blamed those foul creatures for my mistakes.
I did. And I remember those horrible eyes of Thistleclaw. He stared at me forever. I know he wanted this. He never got to be where I was.
I Don't Know…
Was he lucky? Was he upset?
And that glorious and dreadful day when I became a leader.
Sunstar was noble but he was old. He lived a great and kind life. I was scared I wouldn't be able to follow.
He gave me strength. I felt bolts everywhere I went. My fur went drowsy, my whole body did. Pain crept up to my claws; I tried hard not to scream. All that escaped my throat was a whimper. I had sacrificed my first life in battle.
And Shinepelt, my mother gave me my ninth life: Belief.
That life went to Firestar. It was the best life I ever used.
That was then I made a decision. I said sorry.
It was noble.
It was the Bluestar I wanted to be.
It was the Bluestar I was able to be.
It was the Bluestar I was.
Sure, I've made my share of mistakes.
But if out of anything, from my first life to the eight that followed, was something that I do know.
It was a good life.
It was a hard life.
I lived it well.
I wouldn't change anything.
Would I?
No.
I do know.
The great days of Thunderstar.
He was the first. Firestar is the next. I am in-between.
I was proud.
I am proud of my clan. Of my kits. Of my life.
I do know.
There are no endings. Only the start of beginnings.
I do know.
That cats like Tigerstar are after are stable things.
I do know.
That
I Bluestar,
Am
Me.
I do know.