Half of Me
Summary: Doctor 10.5 tries to adjust to his new life with Rose, and finds it difficult. That is, until alternate dimension Donna shows up. And then the Eleventh Doctor does too…
Author's Note: Despite reading every single Harry Potter book and watching five seasons of the new Doctor Who I still don't know how to write English the way Donna Noble and Rose Tyler speak it and even, to an extent, how the Doctor speaks it. So if they end up saying things that sound Canadian/American or say things that British people just wouldn't say (or sounds awkward), I apologize. I need an English native for a beta, to tell all truth. But I don't have one so you are stuck with me. :)
Also Ten point Five has all of Ten's memories up to Metacrisis. Blame it on the regeneration energy.
Date Written: November 2010 for Nanowrimo and completely forgotten about (like most of my Nano novels). This will be approximately 10 chapters long.
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All that Remains
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After that last and final exchange the trip back to London was awkward and full of grief. He didn't know who was mourning more, Rose or him, and it was quite possible they were miserable together.
It had only just started to sink in the magnitude of what had happened to him. Him, being the halfling that now sat beside Rose in the car. For a fleeting moment he was glad his memory was corroded, and that only the more recent chunks of his life as the Doctor remained, his memories of his childhood days fading into the background. The human/Timelord brain could only hold so much, it appeared, to go with the human body. Then the thought of being less than he once was weighed on him oppressively. He shouldn't so easily be able to forget his children, even if they had been born many, many centuries before.
He should be happy, he thought. He always had secretly and not so secretly craved companionship, a way to stop his nomad ways, to settle down with someone he loved and live the rest of his life with them. He loved Rose. He loved her more than words could say. He would do anything to see her smile and just the thought of her being in pain hurt him as well. When he lost her… that had hurt so, so much, almost more than everyone he had lost before combined. Curse his stupid brain to go and fall in love with a decaying human.
… a decaying human that he now was as well.
When it came time to put Rose back in her own dimension, to seal off the wounds of inter space and time, he saw his opportunity and went for it. She wanted him… maybe, definitely not HIM, but him, whole and complete. Even though he was no longer whole and complete, he couldn't help himself. Here was all he ever wanted. So he whispered those words to her heart and she opened up to let him in… and for a moment he knew bliss.
And then reality kicked right back in.
He flinched to himself and glanced over to where she was looking gloomily out the window. Carefully he took her hand in his and gave it a little squeeze. She looked at him and managed a small smile back, then sighed, her brow knitting as she thought. "We'll get you a job at Torchwood when we get home, yeah? Give you something to do. Or maybe you'd want to do some travelling?"
He shook his head wordlessly. Travelling… without TARDIS… and he felt a pang of sadness. He fingered the small coral he had in his pocket, given to him by the Doctor and Donna before the rift closed, the tiny spark of what remained of his old companion. His only relief was that the rest of the TARDIS was just fine without him, because she still had him. But he remembered her well and all they had been through and felt the pain of loss and separation.
Rose must have seen that on his face because she gave his hand a small squeeze back. "We can do what you'd like," she said kindly.
He shook his head. "I'd like to do whatever you want to do, Rose," he said, a strange honesty to his voice. It was true. He lived for her now, totally and completely.
She must have realized that and the thought seemed to make her uncomfortable. She looked away. "Yeah," she said. "We'll figure something out."
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Houses, he hadn't needed one of those, well ever actually. Or a bed, save for his rooms on the TARDIS. When he visited he always went to bed of course, to make his human hosts feel comfortable. But the Doctor didn't sleep very much, and would often wander off into the night once his human hosts were asleep themselves.
This body wasn't the same by far. This body protested when he tried to stay awake, to roam the gardens around the house and go walking up and down the streets of London. He was actually somewhat insulted when his human body finally shut down and forced him to sleep, on the couch in the front room of Rose's house no less.
He awoke a day later to discover he had been covered in a blanket and a pillow had been left by his head. He guessed that had been done by Jackie.
He was also beyond hungry. Pain welled up from his stomach and he winced as he wandered towards the kitchen. Of course he ate as a Timelord, and had tea often, but it wasn't nearly as important as food was to humans. He could go a couple days without food and live off of Timelord energy. Now it seemed to be the only thing that occupied his thoughts.
Jackie greeted him cheerfully in the kitchen. "Sleep well?" she asked as she busied herself over preparing breakfast.
He yawned and nodded, scratching his head vaguely. "Ah yeah, sleep! You know I always liked sleep before, when I was a Timelord… nice thing sleep. You know."
Jackie looked at him, then turned back to the stove. "I don't know why you didn't use the guest room. We have two of them you know… well actually three. Maybe four? This house is so big I can hardly keep track. You could have slept in any one of them," she scolded gently as she continued to bustle about the kitchen. She herded him over to the table and stacked a healthy potion of eggs and ham in front of him. He nodded again in thanks as she sat down beside him. He winced inwardly, expecting to have to deal with Jackie's endless prattle but a young child's cry interrupted him. "Oh dear. Excuse me!" Jackie said as she went off to deal with the newest addition to Rose's family.
He'd have to thank the boy later.
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Rose had already left for work, he discovered, and felt a small pang at that. Of course. In this universe she still had her life, and her job, and he was unable to provide for her what he would have been able to before… adventure and travel. Now the honeymoon was over, he thought, a bit bitterly despite himself. It wasn't that she rejected him, not really, but he could see the tell tale signs of human fear. They were a fickle lot, humans, and devotion and dedication could change on a dime. Especially when circumstances had changed as much as this.
No matter.
He wandered the house until he found Jackie again and asked her politely if it was possible for him to borrow money for clothes. She gave him an appalled look and then fluttered around with embarrassment, sending him off quickly with enough money to buy an entire store and an offer of taking one of the staff with him. He accepted the money and declined the staff… about three times, before he was released into the city again.
This was new for him too. He never really had a need for money, and with the Tardis he could make enough of it when he wanted it. His sudden feeling of indebtedness disturbed him. He quickly decided, once he had returned to Rose's home with several smashingly handsome suits and a couple articles of sleepwear, that he would work off what he owed Jackie and Peter just as soon as he could.
Which meant getting a job. Being a human was quickly becoming mundane.
He considered everything, as much as he could at least, and came up woefully short. Rose had suggested Torchwood and that would have been an option… if he wasn't so suspicious of it.
Peter suggested he take the time to do whatever he liked, and even told him he had unlimited resources if he wanted to do pretty much anything. After all it was the least the Tylers could do for the man who helped stop the Cybermen crisis.
He only held on for a few days sadly, then finally agreed that Rose was right. At very least, Rose had said during dinner on his second day here, that Torchwood would like to keep him on call for anything to do with aliens. He was, frankly, he was told, the world's most valuable asset at the moment. Even as a human, he'd be able to help them when the occasional intergalactic visit turned into something much more invasive. He was a bit tired of that, though Pete did mention that ever since the Cybermen issue they had not had another invasion. Which was a relief. A phenomenally large one.
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Rose came home later that evening in time for dinner, which he joined. He was quiet during it, choosing to observe instead of talk. Rose seemed to talk almost too much, about work and how they were currently working on a small hyperdrive… one they could use to explore the solar system and eventually Alpha Proxima and beyond. What was special about it, she said proudly, was that it wasn't based on alien technology at all. No, this one was totally and completely 100% human. She beamed at that, and he smiled back, proud of her, and all humans for that matter.
It wasn't so far out of sync with the timeline either, based on his travels. Maybe thirty years or so… nothing much at all.
… not that he could really do much to prevent timeline damage now anyway, his mind reminded him. He frowned at that and looked away, and spent much of the rest of the dinner looking out the window, trapped in his thoughts.
Near the end of dinner a gentle kick under the table distracted him back to the present. Rose was giving him a concerned look, and even the ever busy Peter looked concerned as he dabbed his mouth with a napkin. "You okay there?" Rose asked.
He grinned back at her. "Never better!" When she didn't look all to convinced, he got up from his seat. "Look at this place," he said, gesturing to the window. "This world!" he clasped his hands together with delight. "So much to see, so much to do! We'll go exploring, see the pyramids of Egypt, climb the Himalayas, bushwhack in Australia, oi that'd be a riot!" Rose was smiling now, and shaking her head a bit, his enthusiasm making her chuckle. His heart soared even as he flopped back down in his chair. He took a big spoonful of the mashed potatoes that Jackie had thankfully not prepared, and smiled. "This," he said, gesturing to his plate. "This is amazing. What is it?" his eyes twinkled as he feigned innocence.
Jackie laughed at that and teased him gently, and thankfully the conversation turned to something else. Strangely enough it was Peter who continued to give him a concerned look as Rose and her mother went off on some tangent about what clothes people wore in Australia. The Doctor held his gaze calmly, and then gave his head a small shake. Just a touch. Peter seemed to understand and looked away again.
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It was later that evening and the Doctor sat out in the garden. He had sat out here every day since he had come, lost in thoughts as he looked out over the stars.
Tonight he was joined by Peter. He heard and recognized his footfalls and didn't even have to turn to know it was the successful entrepreneur.
He did nod at him as Peter sat down beside him, gazing out over the stars as well. They sat in amicable silence for a bit.
"You know, I never did thank you," Peter said finally after enough time had past.
The Doctor gave him a sidelong glance. Peter looked at him for a moment, continued to look at the sky, his voice faraway. "For my family," he added.
The Doctor smiled. "You're welcome," he replied.
"I know," Peter continued after a pause. "I know they're not mine. Not really," he had the Doctor's full attention now, he looked concerned.
Peter smiled a bit. "But I still wouldn't trade them for anything. You know," and he looked at the Doctor again. "She may not be mine, directly, but she feels like she's mine. She's family. My family." he nodded. "I know this was hard for you Doctor. I can't possibly imagine what it's like for you. I remember how hard it was for me when they took Jackie from me, how that felt," he paused, then continued. "To be cut off from nine hundred years of life, in a blink of an eye…" he shook his head. "You sacrificed much to be here Doctor."
"Ah well," the Doctor said nonchalantly. "It wasn't that big of a deal. The TARDIS was a bit crowded with another me in it anyway."
"It was a big deal," Peter said gently, and the Doctor turned to look at him. "You know it just as well as I do. And, Doctor, you're not very good at hiding how you feel about things."
The Doctor looked at him for a moment, and then looked away again with a small smile.
"She'll come around," Peter said. When the Doctor looked back up at him again, surprised, Peter continued. "Give her a bit of time. She doesn't mean to hurt you."
"I know that," the Doctor said quickly. "It's okay. Rose is her own person, she can do what she wants," he added.
Peter reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "What she wants is you. But she needs time to adjust. Just... hang in there okay?" Peter withdrew his hand.
The Doctor gave him a slightly mournful look, but nodded. "I'm not going anywhere." he agreed. And it was true. Where would he go anyway?
Peter got up again, putting his hands in his pockets. He went to turn away, and then turned back again. "And Doctor," he said. When the Doctor looked back at him, Peter continued. "If you ever need anything... and I do mean anything at all... if it exists in this world, it's yours."
The Doctor gave him a slightly baffled look, then nodded. "Thank you," he replied.
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That night he dreamt of the Master and bathing in the blood of fallen Timelords.
He woke up before Rose, and pulled on one of his new suits with a smile on his face. He met her at the bottom of the stairs, perky and happy, his acting talents developed over his 900 years of life in full gear. He grinned at her and she gave him a quick hug before ducking by him to get something to eat from the kitchen. He followed her, a smile still on his face.
"You coming to work today?" Rose said finally, picking up on why he was there smiling at her. She still wasn't completely with him, he observed. The way her eyes ducked away and how she wouldn't hold his gaze for any amount of time gave her away. He pretended he didn't notice.
He nodded. "Ripe and ready," he said, throwing out his hands to show off his suit.
She grinned and took another sip of her coffee. "I'll drive you in. Torchwood is different here, you'll see. You'll love it."
He wasn't so sure of that, but he kindly kept his opinion to himself. Heck, anything Rose was involved in couldn't be that bad, could it? And even if it was, he was fairly sure - no he knew - he had worked for worse organizations in the past.
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His name came about at dinner time about a week later.
He decided to just go by The Doctor at work, which was his name. His other name, hidden for centuries, didn't suit his life now… especially not now that he was only half a Timelord.
"You really do need a name at work though," Rose said, almost apologetically as she looked up from her food. Payroll had had that argument with her earlier that day. Now that he worked for the company he needed a human name.
The Doctor made a face. "What's wrong with the Doctor?" he asked, sounding a bit hurt. "I still am the Doctor." He tapped his forehead. "Everything is still up here."
"Oh I know that," Rose said quickly. She looked embarrassed. "It's just that, well you're one of us now, yeah?" she looked extremely uncomfortable.
Jackie cut in. "Yeah. Bout time you had a proper name. What about James?"
"James?" The Doctor replied. "That's about as good as John."
"You've used John before," Rose pointed out.
"Well yeah but," the Doctor made a face. "That was so people would stop asking me what my name was."
Rose looked mildly surprised at that. He had used the name John a lot in their travels. It made sense though. The ultimate anonymous name, but definitely not a name one would want to keep as an actual human.
"I've been the Doctor for over 900 years." The Doctor pointed out. "Through ten different bodies…"
"Ten!" Jackie exclaimed. "Ten different times?"
"You've seen two of them," The Doctor replied, sounding surprised himself now. "You do know that wasn't the first time I regenerated, don't you?"
"Well yeah, but," Jackie made a face. Peter for his part was watching the conversation with interest and little Tony was playing with his mashed potatoes. "You never said you've gone through ten different bodies. Don't you wear down at all, ever?"
The Doctor gave her a small smile. "Now I will," he said with complete honesty. "Body number ten for the rest of my life. Well, ten point five if you count the fact that I grew out of an aborted regeneration."
Jackie looked sympathetic for a moment but then her expression changed. "That's it," Jackie exclaimed with a surprised look on her face. "Ten," she added.
"Mum!" Rose protested.
"Whut?" Jackie replied. "I saw a TV show once where a woman was named Seven. Or was it Six? Something like that."
"You can't call him a number!" Rose protested. "He's the Doctor."
"Oh pish posh," Jackie replied. "Ten is a good number."
The Doctor just looked confused now as he looked from one to the other with his mouth open. He was going to interject but Jackie and Rose spoke far too quickly for him to get a word in edgewise.
"Well you can always be John Smith, I guess, if you want," Jackie said with an eye roll. "Just the most common name ever. But I think Ten works just fine. He's the tenth of something after all," she looked back at the Doctor. "Whatever you are. Where." She considered. "How about Tenney? Tennessee? Tennant? Tent?"
"Tent?" The Doctor repeated incredulously.
"Okay maybe not Tent," Jackie back-peddled.
"Ten-inch," Rose said in a low voice and a smirk, nudging him with her foot under the table.
The Doctor gave Rose a confused look, which quickly turned to surprise as it dawned on him what Rose was implying. He quickly made up for it by turning back to Jackie and giving her a smile despite his embarrassment. "I'll consider… them," he said politely, ignoring Rose's continued foot nudges.
"Well, if you ever need a last name," Peter spoke up. "Feel free to take ours. You're part of the family now."
The Doctor smiled wider, genuinely pleased. "Thank you," he said. "It would be an honor."
… Everyone still called him the Doctor though, both at work and at home. Old habits die hard.
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She thought of their time together often. It had been a year. Nearly two. It had felt so long when she was with him, but now she realized how very short it was. And… no wonder she had fallen in love with him. She had given him the two most important years of her life. She should have been settling down. Looking at schools, getting a career. Perhaps even off finding the man of her dreams so she could have a proper family.
But she did find the man of her dreams didn't she? A man from the stars… one didn't get any more dreamy than that. And she had watched him change, go from a hard man, excitable but ruthless, to the man she knew now and loved with all her heart. He had let her in, shown her bits and pieces of himself she was sure he never showed anyone else. He had changed her… or maybe he didn't change her enough.
Now… now she was here with a broken bit of him. A man who looked like and longed for just the same as him… a man who was breaking inside, his copied memories tormenting him with the thoughts of their time together and what he had lost. His home, his people, his beloved ship, and now his immortality. She could see it on his face, the deep aching pain as he gazed out of the window of her adopted dad's home. Coming to terms she supposed, but how was one to push aside so many thoughts and regrets and compress nine hundred years of experience to one single remaining lifetime?
But then… what had she expected really, and now she felt bitter. He said he couldn't stand to see them, humans, decay in front of him so he left them to avoid the pain. She remembered Sara, and the dismayed look on her face when she realized why she had been abandoned when she loved the Doctor so. How could she have expected anything less? She wanted to be with him forever, travel with him forever, and bollocks to a normal life. But he wouldn't have allowed that would have he? Just like the others, in ten, maybe twenty years he would have dropped her off again on earth with nothing but the memories and time to remember what they had together. Maybe, if she was really lucky, he would have kept her into her old age before letting her go. But would have he? Really? Could he have withstood the pain of watching her grow frail and fragile and no longer able to keep up with him, staying at "home" in the TARDIS fretting over whether he'd come back again as he went off on his elaborate adventures.
The Doctor was a coward.
This Doctor however…
He was aging too. She hadn't noticed it before back when they were together, traveling, he had always seemed so alive, vibrant. Yet now here he was, cut off from his eternal youth, trapped and left to decay just as fast as she, his life reduced even more from the fact that his human host Donna was already in her 30s when the Doctor changed.
Suddenly she felt very small and very, very alone. She blinked back tears and managed a small smile before striding forwards. He glanced at her, for a moment, then looked back at the window without smiling back. She sighed and slipped her hand into his, gazing out over the yard and the city and put her head against his arm.
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