Loosing Breaths
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Warnings: Mild swearing. Mild.
Music Choice: Snowflake Kisses (by Archie Star)
Pairings: Byakuya/Yoruichi (ByaYoru)
--x--
No, she does not know everything.
That's what she humbly goes by these days. The little sentiment has somehow gradually fell into her rituals as easily as she falls into a hurried step out the door. And she accepts it. With the understanding she doesn't know everything is her motivation; she's driven to discover new ways to remedy problems and loosen terrible ties that strangle suffering hearts. It means that she doesn't want to everything. Yet. Just enough to get by.
But knew a certain little boy who wanted to know everything. He would strive everyday to find those points that unlocked questions and failed each day. She knows why, too. He wasn't a treasure hunter, she was. He was a leader for order, she wasn't. They were set apart from each other in most ways. Pale to dark complexions. Cold stare to a mischievous smile. Work to play.
He would never reach his goal. No one can know everything. But at least she's discovering things one by one.
"Ah, here you are."
She opens her feline eyes and gives a dull stare at the blonde man from across the room. His fake grin fades with each step he takes towards her and he lowers his trademark fan. In cat form, Yoruichi finds naps more enjoyable and Kisuke knows this as well. It's "not that big of a deal" if she's woken up, she's said to them (the Urahara household). But it would be nice to have a few minutes alone, she thinks.
Sitting up, she turns an expectant look to Kisuke, who sits on the floor next to her. "What is it, Kisuke?"
He's silent and doesn't look at her directly. Instead, his gaze is on the floor with the thoughtful and wary gleam in his eye, explaining that what he has to say was worth the loss of her nap. She awaits his answer; his news always bring about something to shock others into action. She'll do something about it however; he knows that, which is why he's telling her. That's how it has worked for years now.
"Something has happened in the Soul Society," he says carefully, "or rather...I believe something will happen."
"You felt it too then?"
He nods. Just earlier today, she had visited Soi Fon. It was in the morning but now it must nearly be late midnight there. She sensed something 'off' in the duration of her stay. Near Soifon another entity seemed to be thrashing about in the air. It wasn't much, just a small whisper of feeling, but it was there and Yoruichi decidedly told Soi Fon. The second division captain said she hadn't felt a thing. Yoruichi kept it stored in her mind, however.
"I believe something big will go down tonight."
"Then I should--"
"Yoruichi..." Kisuke sighs out and stands up as she changes into human form and heads to her clothes near the table. She doesn't answer, but she inclines her head in acknowledgment. "I don't think you should go. Not yet."
"It'll only take a few minutes to prepare and even more to pass through the gate," she states, pulling her shirt over her head, "If there is an enemy that is planning to strike, then I should go."
Kisuke, she can tell, wants to say more. But they see each other's logic and hers prevailed. He isn't worried for her; she's done this before. It's the interjecting into fights that do not belong to her that he seems to worry over. She does this when she sees fit. Kisuke has often asked if it is truly necessary to intervene in the Soul Society. The smoke hasn't cleared yet for their passage and wandering through the gates. Being one of the highest nobles, she's an exception for now. But he does not dare think to pass through the gates. The smoke needs to clear for that. And it hasn't happened yet.
But she knows his number one worry: what is this new enemy? Will it affect her?
"One more thing...Yoruichi."
"What?"
"Rukia had come through the gate. Ichigo found her...injured."
--x--
Her steps are light and quiet on the rooftops. It's so early in the morning, the cold night wraps around her face in wind and intertwines itself into her hair. There are victims wherever she looks. Shinigami lie on the ground, awaiting the forth division's aid. Debris is scattered everywhere and thick smoke can still be seen. The moon lights her way as she searches.
The first stop she made was the Kuchiki household. If Rukia had made it, then Byakuya would want to know. And if unranked members are still alive, then a captain would remain unscathed. Simple as that, she hopes. But to be sure, she searches every inch of that place and she ignores an anxious breath that slips through her lips.
With the knowledge he is not at the barracks, his office, his home, or any other place in the seireitei, Yoruichi has only mission in mind: find him.
And another one of her treasure hunts ensues.
--x--
The lists of treated shinigami from the recent attack is given to her by Isane. None of the captains were seriously injured and only one is missing: Byakuya. It irks her slightly. Why him? He should be the most unlikely person missing. An explanation is due when she finds him. There shouldn't be any reason he would be the only one gone.
But just in case, she checks other lists.
--x--
It's funny, really. She'll laugh later at herself for it.
But it never occurred to her that she should discover the true reason this has all been happened. It's as if her driven and desired mission had washed away any curiosity about the new enemies. But for now, she silently berates herself as she leans against the wall on the fourth division's porch in the back. Ukitake and Unohana sit near each, as they explain what's happened. The others fill in the little details. She listens, of course. But that doesn't mean she's mentally smacking herself.
The zanpaktou's? Good thing she doesn't wield hers as much anymore. She needs to find more information, which is something they cannot give her right now.
She spares them a smile before leaving.
--x--
Rukia tells them what she had seen. Yoruichi figures it must have been a bit traumatic for her.
He had been engulfed and perhaps defeated by his own sword's power. Rukia apparently has resigned herself into believing his fate. Ichigo huffs and tells her Byakuya can't die. Yoruichi smirks; if only he knew the half of it. The man couldn't possible die if he wanted to.
And that's how it's always been.
He's that leader that will never fade.
--x--
After Rukia goes back to the Soul Society, Ichigo wants Urahara to open the gate.
"Eh...I don't think that's such a good id--"
"It's fine," she puts in smugly before Urahara can really continue. "I'll assist you in your mission, Ichigo."
"You'll help me find Rukia?"
His eyes are so hopeful and determined. Urahara seems to be giving her a glare, but she doesn't really mind it when she answers, "Of course."
It's not really lying. She is helping him.
She's just going to complete her own mission along the way.
--x--
When they get there, she tells Ichigo to be careful before she shunpo's to the ninja corps.
She thinks how strange it is that Soifon doesn't seem to really care about the disappearance.
--
On the outskirts of the vast land they used to roam, she trails along the small stream. She has a headache from her unproductive day. She feels the fight between others in the distance, but none of them belong to Byakuya. Her thoughts linger on the captain. Where? It's a simple question she wants to know the answer to. It's almost like asking "what's the meaning of life?" but this is worse.
She's tasted what his presence is like. She knows him. She has seen him. And now what is left of him is gone. There's no trace and she has no more ideas on how to get him back.
It's tiring her out, this treasue hunt.
--x--
Soifon suggests he is hiding away from his enemy. Yoruich out right laughs.
"Byakuya doesn't hide."
Because that's my job, she decides.
--x--
It doesn't leave her mind that he may have been killed. She would like to proudly say that it has never entered her thoughts, that she had so much faith in him. But it almost stings her pride when she knows there is a latent fear and dreadful stain inside her heart somewhere that shakes every resolve she begins to build to ensure he is well.
Unohana says something that strikes Yoruichi.
"I was told by Renji that he had seemingly been encased within his sword's release..." her soft eyes travel towards Isane, who blinks in return. The soft spoken woman flashes her eyes towards Yoruichi. "He is a flash step master, is he not?"
Yoruichi sighs. And then Unohana says it:
"If I were to run...I would run to a place where I most feel comfortable...safe and secure."
Unohana smiles as Yoruichi catches her breath.
--x--
The question is still there (where is he?) but she has more clues.
She stops by places in the runkongai. Places they have been, places they skipped over in their races. It doesn't take her long to have the knowledge he is not there. She has the innate ability to sense reistu better than others. Dismay spreads as a cancer deep within the center of her heart. It hurts and she has to stops and lean against the nearest ally wall to calm herself.
It shouldn't give her this much anxiousness. This is not her. She's always been able to know where every has been before. She was the one who had been missing. Her world seems to have been flipped over and twisted around backwards and it pisses her off. There's no reason she should have to be queen of knowledge here, but she certainly wouldn't mind being aware. She can't shake this off, can't turn back to a mischievous and laughing girl. But she can't turn cold. Instead, she's this anxious, worried, apprehensive mess that seems untreatable with anything she can find. Only one solution and that's the awareness of his safety. Nonetheless, this is something she does not have.
She looses her breath again.
--x--
She comes across Renji. He's worried for Rukia still but she doesn't take much mind (she's got worries of her own). He says that he's sure Byakuya is all right, but he does have doubts.
"I would have said that Rukia, though," he says quietly, staring out the office window.
Yoruichi knows the feeling. "Unahana says that he might have gone somewhere to evade Senbonzakura," she sits down on the desk behind him and ignores the fact that Byakuya was here only a couple days before, "Do you have any ideas?"
"I don't know about Byakuya," he still stares outside as he sits besides her, "but I would run to the training grounds."
She snorts. "In the open?"
"Not there." His voice is low and grave as he corrects her. Suddenly, he gazes at her and their faces are close enough for her to see a gleam of apprehension in his eye. "Where you trained Ichigo. Under the Sokyoku hill--the secret training grounds."
--x--
It doesn't make sense to her. But she figures the place has some place in his heart as it does hers.
So she jumps and runs to the place in a hurry. It's a place to think and let go. Release worries and stress. She can't believe she hadn't thought of going here before. She needs to calm herself. This treasure hunt has turned into something more pensive and terrible than she had first believed. There hasn't been any reason to continue her search--but she hasn't found any reasons not to either. It's messing her up so bad, she might just run her fist into a wall. Worried emotions have created a different person out of her and she knows it.
There is a barrier surrounding the entrance. That pisses her off. Did Renji or Ichigo do that? No one else knew of the place, save for her, Urahara, Renji and Ichigo. She had told Byakuya about it but they were younger and he hadn't really listened to her then (well, not now either). The fact that anyone would be dumb enough to destroy her own barrier and replace it with a stronger spell angers Yoruichi in her already stirred storm of emotions.
So she spends a few minutes breaking the kido spell that binds the place. It's tough and it seems like it's been conjured by her own ability. It breaks around her and she enters and flies down the latter.
The second her feet hit the ground, her heart stops.
Someone is in here.
And she knows who.
"It seems you had taken your time, Yoruichi."
She can't breathe.
--x--
"I made the barrier for a reason," he is seated on a nearby rock, reapplying a bandage around his hand, "Senbonzakura wasn't able to find me here with that kido spell. And when he did, I defeated him," he inclines his head to another kido barrier and she can only see a form inside it. "It keeps him from generating anymore power. His reistu alerts the others, so I had to keep the barrier and stay here to keep the power within the spell."
Yoruichi can only stare at his form. From the time he replaced the barrier again and went back and sat down to re-wrap his bandages, she didn't speak. She watches his every movements and still can't believe this is real. He's all right. So why is her heart still hurting? She wants to scream, maybe laugh. But she can't speak.
He pauses to stare back. Slowly, a smirk slips onto his mouth. She frowns.
"You were worried."
When she doesn't respond, he merely goes back to his work, with half-closed eye lids.
Bending down to his level and tying the bandage herself, she hears him sniff.
It's something in the air maybe, but she feels herself grow hot with some akin to greif. It seems this is all it boils down to: simple sentences. All this time, all the work has only bought her this. Does he not know? He could have left this place and let the others know. Somehow. And she...she...
His lips brush against her cheek and near her ear.
"Now you know."
Her voice is low when she asks, "...know...what?"
"The feeling when you left me."
--
She sleeps there tonight. She thinks of the others and when she should go and tell them what's going on--how Byakuya managed to defeat Sembonzakura.
Yoruichi tries really hard to forget the fact that he's right.
In most ways, it had been turned upside down. She had lost herself in just a couple days because she had lost someone. Someone who she had left in a similar fashion before. She wonders if he had felt disappointed and anxious. Maybe he had faith in her before. It was a different time then but she knows he holds it against her, just as Soifon did. Perhaps he had searched for her too. She wouldn't know. She never turned back to see. Yoruichi never stopped to think about it so deeply before, but she realizes how personal her sudden departure was to him. Perhaps it has worn off in the years. However, it doesn't cease the leftover thoughts from years ago. Soifon is a different case, but Byakuya seems to have surpassed many things Soifon couldn't (not that it mattered). So Yoruichi wonders what he thinks now; where do they go from here?
And then she thinks about when she had finally returned. Only to have a simple conversation. It all makes sense now. But she feels at fault for something that really was something out of her control. It's unfair and not worth it to figure out.
It still hurts to breathe.
--x--
He doesn't look for the answers anymore. Witnessing the many deaths and cold hearts around him, his quest for deeper understanding faded over time. It's almost pointless, he believes. In the end, you will never know everything, so why try? All he needs to know, he will be able to accomplish to find over the years. Contemplating why things happen, what had happened, how, when, where's are meaningless to him until it is needed.
A leader is what he is and what he has been told he is best at. Sleepless nights are spent doing work and training his mind for tomorrows. Everyone around him either fear or respect him and that is all he can ask for in his position. It's what he does.
She isn't a born leader, but a hunter. He knows that. She plays amongst trees and laughs with nature's calls. There will never be a day he'll forget her inviting grin she threw over her shoulder at him. That grin she only gave him. The allurment of the hunter that caught him each time in a trap of chuckles and races. The rush he often got from her happiness with him left unforgotten.
There were no deals between them in the end.
The leader and hunter fall on one level, after all.
--x--
"Apart is this soul as you turn back to go," he whispers with affectionant endearment and momentousness breath, "Tell me your abandoment will end soon."
She shuffles her face into his chest as he runs a hand through her hair a bit more roughly than he intended. Her hands wrap around his waist and grip his clothes tightly. His arm incircle her securely with tender possivieness. He allows a sigh to pass through his lips and mutters other words quietly into her hair. He hears her chuckle at their proxmity (sitatuion, words, whatever) and closes his eyes to listen to the melodious sound he hasn't heard in years.
Byakuya doesn't know for certain, but he would like to believe they don't have any differenes. He knows she does too. Her breaths are shakey but at least it does't hurt. There is a slight stetch of time before she lets three small words roll over her tongue.
"We're both gone."
He doesn't believe that, though.
--x--
Lovers in the act despense
With such meum-tuum sense
As might warningly reveal
What they must not pick or steal,
And their nostrum is to say:
'I and you are both away.'
After, when they disentwine
You from me and yours from mine,
Neither can be certain who
Was that I whose mine was you.
To the act again they go
More completely not to know.
Theft is theft and raid is raid
Though reciprocally made.
Lovers, the conclusion is
Doubled sighs and jealousies
In a single heart that grieves
For lost honour among thieves.
The Theives by Robert Graves
--x--
Author's Notes
--x--
Somehow...I ruined this fic.
The overall story was a suggestion by AlleElizibeth from Bleach Asylum, who is seriously creative and awesome. It was her theory that, in the zanpaktou filler, Yoruichi had instantly gone in search for Byakuya. The rest was my crack theory that probably won't fly. Ah, well. It's all good, right?
By the way, read the poem. It truly is beautiful, once you get some of the meaning.
Comment, PM, and/or read. Just enjoy.