All you've known
And lost still walk behind you
All alone they linger till they find you
They call you as if they knew your longing
They whistle through the lonely wind
The long blue shadows falling…
-Spring Awakening
Your throat is closing in
Your eyes are blurring shut
Your heart is slowing down
You can't breathe I can't speak
Your face is on fire
Your lungs itch
There's a knife in your throat
You can't do this
You can't do this
All those people?
Sitting there in black suits and black dresses
Mopping their eyes with lace cloth
All the sadness in their eyes
The grief palpable in the air
Pressing down and squeezing out the oxygen in you
They don't want to hear what you have to say
Your father lies in the casket
Empty of soul
Empty or warmth
Empty of…himself
Who is this man?
Lying there, before your eyes
Your throat is on fire
You feel dizzy
The room turns upside down
Your eyes swim
You can't speak in front of these people
You can hardly handle your own mind
Let alone your mouth
You want to throw up…
Run.
Carpet.
Feet.
You hear someone shout
You hear Andre whisper"let him go."
You push the door open and stumble into the bushes
You hold your sides and retch into the scratchy bush
Your head pounds
Your suit is suddenly much too hot
The air is suddenly much too sparse
Curl into yourself into the grass
Close your eyes
And wonder how on earth you lost everything so quickly
Suddenly, soft hands stroke your hair.
You hear a quiet breath
Hair inconceivably dark blocks your view
As Jade curls herself into you
Lowers herself down onto the grass
So close to you,
She lays her head on your chest
And her little hands clasp around your neck.
"Beck?" her voice comes through layers and layers of sadness
To reach your ears
And you clasp her hands instead of a reply.
"I love you Beck. With my whole heart. I'm so sorry."
Her voice so soft you hardly catch it.
You squeeze on tight to her hands
The only thing you have to hold on to
As your world spins further and further out of control.