"I can't believe it, Master. It was just gone."
"Let it go, young Padawan. Frustration leads to the Dark Side."
Obi-Wan Kenobi stifled a sigh. "Yes, Master."
It seemed that so many things could lead to the Dark Side: fear, anger, greed, the desire to eat the last Muja muffin on the table...if all those things led to Darkness, Obi-Wan failed to see how there were any Jedi knights left in the Temple.
"Obi-Wan!" came the sharp reprimand. He blinked open his eyes to see his mentor Qui-Gon staring at him with an expression of utter belief. "This is how you spend meditation time? Thinking about...Muja muffins?"
"I'm sorry, Master!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "It's just...the last one!"
"Let it go, Padawan," Qui-Gon sighed, rolling his eyes skyward.
A new voice resounded through the meditation room, coming from a certain little green troll with a penchant for bad grammar. "Make another batch, we can. Rescue you from the Dark Side, we cannot."
The young Padawan turned to see Master Yoda ambling towards him, his expression grave yet slightly amused. Obi-Wan wondered how that was even possible, but Master Yoda had always been skilled at utilizing many various facial expressions. Perhaps it had something to do with his face being green.
Qui-Gon bowed. "Master Yoda, good morning," he said respectfully. He gestured with exasperation at his young Padawan. "Obi-Won is still upset over the loss of the last Muja muffin. He really can't let it go."
"Attachments, you must not form," Yoda said sternly, rapping the Padawan with his gimer stick.
The young Padawan rolled his eyes. "The Jedi code says not to form attachments to other people, not to baked goods, Master Yoda. With all due respect," he added hastily, eyeing the gimer stick nervously. He could swear it twitched in Master Yoda's claw, as if it was instinctively itching to come after him, but Yoda managed to assuage the impulse.
"Specify, the Jedi Code does not. Forbidden, all attachments are," Yoda said sagely.
Wounded, Obi-Won stared at the Jedi Master with the eyes of a puppy that could not understand why it was not being cuddled. "But Master Yoda, I had been saving that muffin for days! I wanted to savor it just when the time was right, and last night...it was gone! All my hopes and dreams and expectations -- gone, just like that! Dashed into the sand! All because of Master Qui-Gon," he finished, turning his desperately saddened eyes to his Master.
Qui-Gon's jaw dropped open. "Obi-Wan Kenobi! I did not eat that Muja muffin! You know I hate Muja muffins." The Jedi knight was actually quite offended at the sudden accusation; we all know that there is nothing worse than being accused for something we did not do.
Obi-Wan pouted. "You only hate the muffins you make, because you always over-mix the batter and they come out all mutated!"
"Mutated!" Qui-Gon Jinn was deeply offended. "Is that what you thought every time you ate one of my muffins? They are not mutated, Obi-Wan. Lumpy, perhaps, but you know that I'm not the culinary one in this relationship!"
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "I had no idea, Master!" he exclaimed, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I thought we survived off microwavable food simply because you enjoyed instant oatmeal every single day for the past three years!"
"Enough!" Yoda exclaimed. He couldn't believe what was going on before him -- the perfect façade of Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi's Master-Padawan image had shattered right before his very eyes. Who knew what such a wise Jedi knight and promising Padawan resorted to when the pastries in the Temple were gone? He had to tell the rest of the Council.
"Argue over pastries, you must not!" Yoda exclaimed, spastically whacking both Mentor and Padawan with his gimer stick. You had to feel sorry for the poor stick, being wielded by such an obviously violent owner. "Lead to the Dark Side, discord does!"
But poor Obi-Wan had had enough with the Dark Side. During various missions, the Force had seen fit to have him beaten into submission, sold into slavery, knocked unconscious at multiple times, burned, mutilated, drugged, shot at with blasters, etc, etc. They healing center had even named their injury wing after him because he ended up in there the most often out of every other Jedi! But this was his breaking point. After a long day of training and meditating and working hard to savor that muffin at the end of the day, finding it gone was just utterly unbearable. Obi-Wan just could not let this one go.
"No!" he exclaimed, eyes popping slightly. "All I ever wanted was to eat a muffin! But the Force wouldn't even let me do that! The Force hates me! I will not rest until I find out who ate the muffin! That is my sole purpose in life! After I figure that out, I can die! The Force can take me! But until then..." Obi-Wan spluttered off as he gasped for breath, choking slightly on his own spittle.
"Pushing your Padawan too hard, you have been," Yoda observed, backing away slightly.
"I think that last mission really sent him over the edge," Qui-Gon added, warily eyeing his apprentice. "Perhaps we should call it a day, Obi--"
"Not until I find out who stole my muffin!" the disgruntled Padawan roared.
Yoda sighed deeply. Almost a century's worth of the Council's bullshit he had to put up with, yet this was perhaps the most energy-consuming situation he had ever been faced with. "Very well, young Padawan. Your muffin, someone be taking. Who, you think it was?" he queried, succumbing to Obi-Wan's manic obsession.
The young Padawan began to pace frantically.
"IT WAS SIRI TACHI!" he suddenly bellowed. "She has a crush on me, and she's psychologically manifesting it by over-compensating through violently acting out against me!"
Qui-Gon and Yoda stared, but Obi-Wan was on a roll now.
"It was a SITH LORD!" came the new conclusion, and Qui-Gon rubbed his brow. The day was not yet half over, and it seemed as if it would be a very long day indeed...
Obi-Wan, meanwhile, was babbling manically almost to himself, occasionally turning goggly-eyed to his mentor or Master Yoda for their opinion on his latest theory. Theories ranged from Siri Tachi, to Bant Eerin (who was obviously trying to compensate for his inferiority complexes compared to Obi-Wan), to Mace Windu (who was trying to hide his insecurities about having a purple lightsaber), to the Sith (who obviously had nothing better to do than steal Obi-Wan's prized muffin), to... the Force.
Why the Force would want to steal Obi-Wan's last Muja muffin, Qui-Gon could simply not fathom. If whomever stole the muffin had known the dramatic vortex of chaos it would send Obi-Wan spiraling into, he was sure they wouldn't have dared committed such an act of treason.
Suddenly, a look of horror dawned on the young Padawan, and he came to a dead stop. He turned to his Master and Yoda with the eyes of one who had just murdered a small puppy. "It was...me."
Qui-Gon Jinn was utterly fearful for his Padawan's sanity at this point. "You're saying...you ate the Muja muffin?"
"Yes," Obi-Wan breathed dramatically, lowering his voice to a tense whisper. "It all makes sense now. We've gone through all the list of possible suspects...and now I realize, it couldn't have been anyone except...myself! I...I am my own worst enemy!"
"Obi-Wan, I thought we got into this whole situation because you didn't get to eat your muffin," Qui-Gon pleaded wearily.
"I must have unconsciously eaten my muffin, when I was least expecting it!" Obi-Wan cried, flinging an arm across his forehead in despair. "Oh, woe betide my curséd soul! Oh, Force, oh Sithspit! What have I done? The last Muja muffin!" he cried, sinking to the floor in a rather impressive display of Shakespearean melodrama.
Yoda waggled his ears. "Devious, you are," he said disappointedly, poking Obi-Wan with his gimer stick. "Punished, you must be."
Obi-Wan nodded contritely. "I couldn't agree more, Master Yoda.
"Very well," Yoda said, "sentenced to cleaning out the 'freshers, you are. For the next six months, this punishment will be. Also, sentenced to kitchen duty, you are. Another incident involving muffins, the Jedi do not need."
Qui-Gon tentatively clapped his apprentice on the shoulder. "Let this be a lesson to you, young Padawan," he began sternly, only to find that he could not think of a proper moral for this terrible morning.
Obi-Wan and Yoda stared at him expectantly.
"Ah..." Qui-Gon continued, stalling for time, "let this be a lesson to you...never...always...don't...if you're going to..." he threw up his hands in despair. "Never misplace your baked goods from this day forth, Obi-Wan Kenobi!"
*SW*SW*SW*SW*SW*
Yoda, Master of the Jedi High Council, ambled peaceably down one of the Temple's oddly long hallways. He seemed to be in quite the good mood, seeing as he had just returned from being mentally assaulted by a frantic Obi-Wan Kenobi.
He shook his head. Even the most perfect Padawans were cracked on the inside, he mused. He would never let Obi-Wan forget this moment, not even when he had his own Padawan to train. When the Council squabbled, when the peace of the galaxy was once more threatened, when the kitchen ran out of Muja muffins, Yoda would look back on this moment and manage to smile.
Out of the folds of his robe, Yoda pulled out a slightly squashed, somewhat deformed object. Ears wagging with delight, he popped the last Muja muffin into his mouth, savoring the taste. "Learn how to control his desire, that Padawan must," he said, smiling. "My favorite treat, this is!"
*SW*SW*SW*SW*SW*
Not for the first time, Obi-Wan Kenobi woke to see the stark white ceiling of the healing center. He did not know this yet, but he was in a different wing of the center then where he usually woke after being battered by intergalactic aliens with a vengeance.
"Master Qui-Gon," he croaked, feebly rising from the bed. "What...what happened?"
"Were you drunk?" Qui-Gon managed finally.
"Worse," Obi-Wan replied grimly. "I was on a sugar-high! It was all because of Siri Tachi, Master, she practically force-fed me! Master, I apologize most profusely for any embarrassment I may have caused you in front of Jedi Master Yoda."
Somehow, the eloquent words seemed a tad bit hypocritical coming from his young Padawan's mouth after all the mad raving Obi-Wan had done earlier.
Qui-Gon decided not to bring this up. "Apology accepted, Obi-Wan. And oh, before I forget..."
It was rather cruel what Qui-Gon was about to say next, but he couldn't help it. He figured his apprentice deserved some comeuppance for the terrors he had unleashed upon his mentor and Master Yoda.
"Yes?" Obi-Wan queried, sadly oblivious to what the news his master would break to him.
"Well...you know how they named the injuries ward of the healing center after you because you've been in it the most?"
"Yes."
"Well... they decided to name the Mental Rehabilitation center after you instead."
"FML."
A/N: Inspired by a true tragedy that has befallen this author...This is my first Star Wars fanfic, and my first fanfic in a very long time. Critiques are appreciated, but reviews in general are loved by all authors, especially this one. Muja muffin?