Disclaimer: I own nothing of this, I make no money from this.
Note: This story takes place during OotP. Obviously, AU.
Standing in twelve Grimmauld Place, Severus Snape was seething. The entire Order of the Phoenix was there, and he loathed every single one of them. If that wasn't bad enough, the so-called "Golden Trio" and the little brat Ginerva Weasley were there as well. And everyone was busy giving him sideways glances, forcing him to hear their disapproving murmurs whenever he was nearby. Those idiots had no idea. And worse, they just wouldn't shut the fuck up. So much noise. He would do his job if only these people weren't so annoying.
"I quit" the spy sneered with contempt "this pathetic organization filled with pathetic people who do a pathetic job fighting a pathetic war."
"Severus, what are you saying?" Albus Dumbledore said with his most grandfatherly tone.
"Silence yourself for a change and listen to me for once in your life old man. I'm saying that I'm done. I've had enough doing all the dirty work so you bunch of hypocrites can sleep at night. I'm done spending hours under the cruciatus curse for not turning in Potter, Weasley or Granger, or being a killer in general. I'm finished suffering for having to cover for your failures of operations trying to protect people. I'm done. It is over. And I hate nearly every single one of you sanctimonious shits.
"Order of the Phoenix. Hah, what a joke. More like Order of the Gryffindor. I'm the only Slytherin here, and my work has saved more lives than the rest of you combined. Instead, you barely tolerate Hufflepuffs. You should know that the Death Eaters have more representation of all the different houses than you. Yes, that's right, in some ways you are even more narrow-minded. With all your vaunted nobility, you are doing a shit job at anything other than looking out for your own, of which your god damn spy is not one because he's not Gryffindor enough. Well, I go lie to the face of the most vicious monster every week in order to save people. I hang around dangerous people far longer than is healthy just to give the Order and Aurors more information while you sit back and plan. Plan, plan, plan… sometimes plot. Get off your asses and do something. If it isn't charging into death, it is not courageous enough so instead you do nothing. And you wonder why I hate the Gryffindor state of mind? Most of you would just leave me out to die, and don't bother correcting that or apologizing.
"As for the so called greater good… you are fighting for the rights of muggle-borns and muggles. Well, who here who wasn't raised by muggles spent more than a day in their world? How many know what a Shilling is? I'm waiting. Come on, no raised hands? Just call it what it is, the Dumbledore fan club. None of you would know what to do if he was gone. Pathetic. There is no actual hierarchy, no plan of action other than stopping Death Eater raids when you can. How do you expect to win a bloody war without doing anything? Wait for Potter to perform miracles? Your great idea is hiding behind children, you bunch of bloody cowards. Can't you grow up and take some responsibility like adults? I could spend days telling you how to do your job better, but none of you is smart enough to listen. Allow me to expand that statement.
"Albus Dumbledore. You manipulative bastard. It took me a long time to figure out why you sent me on to Voldemort with a piece of that prophecy. You could have stopped me, because you are Albus fucking Dumbledore. You just wanted Voldemort stopped, and fuck the Potters for being the sacrifice. Then you guilted me over that as if it wasn't your choice. Well, that would have worked if I was stupid. I even continued on with your charade long after I pieced it together because I was working for the greater good. But no, according to you, I have to stay in character twenty-four-seven since I was nineteen years old. No friends, no attachments, no being nice to people, no encouraging muggle-borns, nothing. Sorry Granger, I was such an ass to you because of him. Just so everyone will always suspect me enough in order to force me to stay in this godforsaken nightmare of a life I've led. And every single one of your gullible Gryffindors didn't question it once. Well, except Granger. She was always smarter than the rest of you lot.
"Molly Weasley, you overbearing pureblood bitch. You pretend to be so much better than the Death Eaters, but have your children even seen the squibs in your family? Do they even know they exist? Of course not, that would be unseemly. Instead, you abuse everyone around you with your temper, care only for those in your family that are deemed proper, and follow Dumbledore through fire and flames no matter how harebrained his schemes. Just like Bellatrix LeStrange in the first war. Not comfortable with that comparison? Well, I happen to know you both, and it is more accurate than you could care for. Sending howler after howler to humiliate your children in public. No, dignity is not as important as browbeating your own children into submission. No wonder all your children end up dating women who walk all over them, the psychological damage you inflicted on them must be really something.
"Sirius Black on the other hand, you were never any good. You turned your back on your own damn brother, when just two words from you would have kept him outside the Death Eaters. Do you know he was murdered for betraying the Dark Lord? He died a hero, but you never bothered with him because he was sorted into Slytherin. You and James fucking Potter pushed me right into the loving embrace of Lucius Malfoy. You did the same to half of Slytherin house. It didn't matter that my only real friend was muggle-born, I was a convenient target so you turned all of Hogwarts against me. I was a half-blood with no money or connections in the magical world in the most pureblood centric era of Slytherin with a head of house that couldn't care less about anyone who wasn't rich and famous. I had Slytherin against me because I was friends with Lily and how I was born. I had Gryffindor house against me because of you, and Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs all followed along. Of course I'll turn to people who give me acceptance and protection. How many other Death Eaters did you help create? Pettigrew was another, so keep that in mind. Yes, James is dead because you were too busy being the one-and-fucking-only Sirius goddamn Black, turning a spineless child into someone so envious he'd betray his best friends.
"Remus Lupin, you spineless coward. You were a prefect and let your friends get away with attempted murder using you as a weapon. I make you the wolfsbane potion and you forget to take it, endangering students who I had to pull out and protect. The sad thing is that you didn't quit on the spot like a mature fucking adult. The rumors had to spread around until the headmaster got mail for you to figure out you did something wrong. Sure, you weren't as big a bully as your friends, but you just watched and stood silent. Now you talk about how great you guys were, well, rewrite history all you want, but you know the truth. The truth is that you are not better than Pettigrew, only less ambitious. You know why they didn't consider you to be a proper secret keeper? They thought you were less trustworthy than him. Yes, it's true. Those are the guys you protected. Buddies until it actually gets important. Cast away the werewolf when convenient. So, chum up with Sirius some more. Now that he needs a friend, isn't it great he remembered you exist?
"Alastor bloody Moody. You bastard. Never trusted me for a second. You never trusted Albus Dumbledore enough to consider his words on the matter. All of those miracle pieces of information you received in the first war, those were all from me. How the hell do you think these things happen? The Easter Bunny decided to listen in on Death Eater meetings? And I want you to know, that no matter how many of those bastards you put behind bars or killed, I did twice as much work as you and got three times the results, and did it without hunting for glory, perfectly willing to accept everyone's suspicions without spilling my guts out about the actual war. You just want to be remembered for being such a hard man for a hard war, well, if you had done your job instead of worrying about your image and spending your time following impossibilities like jailing me or Lucius Malfoy, you could have made so much more of a difference.
"Kingsley… same thing, different war. You Aurors make me sick. You personally though, follow Dumbledore blindly, and all of your doubts are channeled at me. Not at all his other dubious plans, like sending children into dangerous situations he could have easily solved. Yes, the Golden Trio wouldn't have had anything to do other than be normal children if the greatest wizard of the twentieth century wished it. He didn't. How bloody thick do you have to be to not understand that? You are a bloody Auror, try to apply what meager training you have to whatever the hell is happening in the real world. The fact you ever got so far in your line of work is testament to just how incompetent everyone in the ministry actually is.
"Tonks… you're cool, actually. Nothing bad to say about you, except perhaps your taste in men. Just in case you've wizened up, here is my phone number, call me." Snape gave her a card and a wink. Her hair turned red as she took it.
"Arthur Weasley, you incompetent idiot. You are supposed to be a specialist in muggles and you cannot pronounce the word 'electricity', let alone understand it. It is supposed to be in your job description to know these things, but you are just as much of a pureblood elitist to admit that some of that information might be relevant. Without Granger, you would not have a fucking clue about anything. I just see what a nightmare it will be for her parents when Ron comes to visit. Think of an eight year old loose in a safari, and thanks to your scintillating child-rearing abilities, he'll be just as prepared. You say Death Eaters are anti muggles and muggleborns are ignorant? It's your bloody job to be better and you aren't.
"Fred, George… you are not truly funny. Mildly amusing, outdated slapstick humor is out. Practical jokes were stupid way before my time. Shouting, completing each other's sentences, and having people mix you up was boring thirty years ago. Step out of your kindergarten level crapfest and do something modern. Go to muggle comedy shows for crying out loud, those guys are better than you by leagues.
"Now to the big leagues. Harry Potter, you ignorant glory-hound. You play up being all down to earth, but never once tried to call a professor to solve a problem when you could just charge in on your own. Why stop and think when you can do everything yourself. Oh, you trust Dumbledore. Well, you are too bloody thick to see that all of your trials and tribulations could have been solved if only he bothered to do something. He is using you. Stop being stupid and think for yourself instead of listening to the cult of 'the-headmaster-can-do-no-wrong'. I've been busy trying to save your life when he wouldn't bother, even though I loathe you and your inane antics. Think about that for a bit. You know what, just try and think, period. Gryffindor arrogance to a fault. Oh, and just do something with your life, Ginerva here has been wanting a piece of you since her first year, or perhaps even before. If that's not your taste, and I suspect it isn't, you might try Draco Malfoy instead. Everyone sees how you ignore everyone but one word from him and you get all heated up. Where is your courage?
"Ronald Weasley… your heart is in the right place, but you are bloody moron. I get it that you hate being the youngest son, but not the youngest child. Well grow the fuck up and do something to distinguish your self. You are a mediocre student who would have flunked out if Miss Granger wouldn't have been working so hard on making sure you don't fail. All of your older brothers AND your younger sister are good students, and you are all Quidditch this, Quidditch that. It wouldn't be so bad if you were truly exceptional at it. Put that tactical mind that is so good at chess at coaching. You might make something of yourself that way.
"Hermione Granger. I've been trying to tell you for years that knowledge isn't all in books, but you refuse to listen. Well, people write down books, and some of them are bloody stupid. It's a ministry approved curriculum, over twenty years old in the newest of subjects. I rewrote the potions textbooks when I studied them, and actually improved every single one of the recipies. I invented spells, both defensive and offensive. You should be able to do that if you just started to study underlying theories instead of just regurgitating information. I'm just the only professor with enough balls to call you on that shit. Stop studying for the god damn tests and to please others and try to actually learn. Oh, and do bone Ron here, we all know you want to. Except Ron, probably, but that is because he is a bloody idiot. Surely, you could do better. But seriously, get laid, it'll help you mellow the fuck out. Maybe then you won't feel the urge to raise your hand all the time. Everyone hates you because of that you know."
Snape took out a knife and sliced the dark mark out of his arm, and then drank a healing potion. He proceeded to throw the mark onto the table in the center of the room. Everyone stared shocked at the chunk of flesh.
"What? After all that time under the cruciatus covering for you, did you really think something like this would make me wince? Grow the fuck up. Oh, and to all the people who doubted my loyalty, I just poisoned all the Death Eaters, they'll all start dropping dead within a week or two, and by then the only one who will survive is Voldemort. Oh, Harry, you are a horcrux. It is that scar on your head, the one connected to him. That should have been a clue. Dumbledore is raising you to be a sacrifice for the greater good, because he hasn't bothered learning a non-fatal way to destroy one. Anyways, all of you can surely handle just one wizard, immortal or not. Just chop of his head and stick it in a vat of acid or something. It won't kill him, but it'll be a lot harder for him to take over the world from that position, right? And know that if I was truly on their side, you would all be dead a long time ago because I am a bloody potions prodigy and it is just that easier to kill you than to a group of paranoid terrorists. Instead, I just won the war by doing what Dumbledore has been refusing to do since the seventies. All the people that died since? His fault.
"So fuck you, fuck you, fuck. you." Severus finished his rant, looking at the shocked faces around him.
He slowly walked to the door, enjoying that for once in his life, this group of morons was actually silent. It felt good. His smirk was extremely smug as he reached the door, opened it, and then turned around.
"Tonks... you, me, and those Auror-issued handcuffs. I will rock. your. world."
Snape exited and left.
It was a good day.