(AN: Based on a tumblr prompt from a wonderful Rachel Rper!)

I've been dying a little every day, for a very long time now. I shouldn't have come back to the X-Men, I should have just stayed away. But if I'd stayed away, I wouldn't have found you again.

But Fate, it seems, has conspired against us. If you're not lost in the timestream, I'm stuck in a bullet. If I'm not stuck in a bullet, you're out in space. You were one of the faces I wanted to see most. You were one of the people I thought about, constantly, when I was in that bullet.

And I had a lot of time to think. A lot of time to stew and rage at the mess my life became. I might have lost it a little, for a time. (lost it a little? I'm pretty sure I went stark raving mad in that half-alive state.)

But there wasn't time to think when I got back. You still weren't here, and no one knew where you were and even that link between us had grown frayed and distant. I used to sit high up on Utopia and wonder which star was you.

And then Rogue, god bless Rogue, she brought you back, she brought everyone back. Now you're standing in my doorway and it's time, it's time but I don't know if I have the words or the courage, or if I'll miss another chance to grab for that ever elusive happiness I need so much. When you hug me, it's at once familiar and new. Even your scent feels that way. Like I haven't held you quite this way before.

"God, I missed you so much." Your voice is exactly how I remember it and it's like being wrapped in a great ball of comfort and happiness.

"I missed you too, Ray." How many times had we just missed each other and then we spent time actually fighting for awhile. Wasted time, I'm always wasting time. I'm not going to waste any more time, but there's something in your eyes. It's like you can sense my intentions (and why couldn't you, my mind is an open book for you) and you have something to say. "Rachel?"

"A lot's happened, Kitty." You sit on my bed and look up at me. The uncertainty on your face starts to eat away at my stomach.

"Yeah. The whole planet feels turned upside down. I've got a lot to clue you into. Rachel, I-"

"Kitty, don't." You hold up your hands, uncertainty turned to desperation. I catch a fragment of a thought. Don't cross that line, don't ruin it "When I was out there I met someone."

I don't hear the rest of what you say. My stomach is dropping out from underneath me as my emotions become a storm that I have to bottle up and bury far inside of my heart. In a place where I can forget about it. I'm too late. I'm too late. If I cross that line right now I'll ruin us.

"He's...good for me."

Yeah. Great. I force a smile onto myself and nod at you. Then I take your hand, and squeeze it maybe a bit too hard. "Do I get to meet him? Is he still out there. Are you going to go back?" I think I might actually panic if you leave again.

But you're too perceptive, or my thoughts are too loud. "Kitty, are you okay?"

I pat your hand. "It's nothing."

You look at me again, and I wonder if I've said the wrong thing. I don't even know if you want me to fight for this, or if there'll be a chance later. It's all I have left to cling to. Maybe you don't even know yourself.

I hug you again, only this time it's awkward, and your scent breaks my heart. "Lets get some ice cream and you're going to tell me all the sordid little details."

I've just been dying a little at a time, and today is no different.