Noveria. Cold, wind swept, bleak.
Kaidan was alone in the front cabin of the mako. In stark contrast to Shepard's outbound journey, he took particular care to keep the ride as smooth and gentle as possible. His eyes were focused on the rugged path as he slowly wove his way through the icy passes of the Skadi Mountains. It was difficult to keep the mako from bouncing in the light gravity, and he was grateful for the extra weight provided by the vehicle's mass effect fields. Accordingly, the trip back to Port Hanshan was taking far longer than the outbound journey to Peak 15 had, even though they were no longer battling Geth forces. Kaidan's focus was entirely on his driving as he did all that he could to avoid disturbing his passengers in the rear cabin. The cold outside was nothing compared to the emotional desolation in the passenger space behind him.
Liara sat in the mako's jumpseat, her legs pulled up to her chest. Her arms were wrapped around herself, but the chill she was trying to ward off wasn't external. Her typically expressive eyes had become dull and lifeless, containing no hint of their usual shine. Although her head was turned towards the window, she wasn't remotely aware of the icy terrain rolling across her field of view. Her mind's eye continued to replay her final moments with her mother. First, as Benezia had struggled against Shepard's team, then struggled against indoctrination, and finally struggled for her life. The final result of that battle was lying behind her on the blanket wrapped stretcher in the cargo compartment, something that she refused to let herself acknowledge.
While Liara was oblivious, the other occupant of the rear cabin was hyperaware of her surroundings. The mission had technically been a success, but Shepard was tortured. It was almost impossible for her to hold still as part of her agonized to take some action, any action. The few feet that separated her from Liara might as well have been kilometers. She had no idea how to bridge the emotional gulf that currently separated them, nor did she know if she should even try. She wanted to reach out to the Asari, hold her, comfort her, but she was convinced that she had no comfort to offer. She looked down at her hand in anger and frustration. This was the hand that had killed the mother of a person she realized that she was beginning to care about. The hand that today had only been able to bring pain. If any action could reinforce her belief that she was unworthy of affection, unworthy of friendship, that she was a destroyer of life, a destroyer of hope, that action had come this day.
Liara hadn't spoken, nor even made eye contact with her since the battle. After only momentary consideration, Shepard had decided that they couldn't leave Benezia's body behind. She and Kaidan had wrapped the matriarch's body as reverentially as they could, and secured her to a stretcher they had found stored in the facility's aid station. Liara hadn't participated in the recovery of her mother's body. The maiden had waited in the adjacent room while Shepard and Kaidan performed the necessary work of preparing Benezia's body for transport. Liara had even kept her eyes averted from her mother's body throughout the entire trek through the Peak 15 facility back to the mako. As Shepard observed Liara continuing to ignore the body in the cargo area, she wondered if she had made the correct decision. She considered that perhaps she should have left Benezia's body to be handled by the Noveria Development Corporation, as they had the bodies of the Geth and the other Asari. She dismissed the idea. Even now Shepard couldn't imagine leaving Benezia's body to the care of strangers. Shepard still felt that what she was doing what was right, even though she seemed to be tormenting her friend.
Kaidan glanced over his shoulder. Liara was still staring out the window, while Shepard was still staring at Liara. He reached into the space next to to him and reclaimed his helmet. He quietly slipped it on so as to not disturb his passengers with comm chatter.
"Ground party to Normandy."
"Hey Alenko, what's up?"
Kaidan was in no mood for Joker's lax radio discipline. "Transfer me to the XO, Flight Lieutenant. Now."
He heard a gulp on the other end. "Yes sir, transferring to Lt. Pressly."
"Pressly here."
"Charles, it's Kaidan. I need Dr. Chakwas and two marines to meet me at the Port Hanshan garage. We're about 20 minutes out."
"Christ. What happened Lieutenant? Are you under fire?"
"The ground team is fine, but we weren't able to save the matriarch. Liara's pretty traumatized. I need the marines to carry the matriarch's body back to the ship ahead of us. I don't want Liara to have to watch."
There was a brief pause before the XO's reply. "They're your marines Lieutenant. They're suiting up now. I'll inform the doctor. Pressly out."
When they arrived at Port Hanshan, the members of the crew Lt. Pressly had dispatched were waiting to meet the ground team. Kaidan bounded out of the mako practically before it was even to a complete stop. He quickly flagged the two marines who were waiting in the garage and detailed them to remove Benezia's body from the cargo area. He sent them on their way before opening the hatch to the rear cabin.
The Commander was already crouched at the doorway. Once the hatch was open, she turned and eased Liara out of her seat. She guided the maiden down the recessed steps in the side of the mako and to the waiting hands of Dr. Chakwas and Chief Williams. They gently turned her, and together they lead her at a slow walk back towards the Normandy.
Shepard then climbed down from the mako, her face set like stone. Kaidan started to say something to the commander, but after one look thought better of it. He assisted her in collecting their gear from the facility's mako, and then they inspected the vehicle to make certain nothing had been left behind. Once complete, they left for the Normandy as well, having taken care to delay long enough that they would not pass Dr. Chakwas and her charge during their return to the ship.
When the pair returned to the Normandy, Kaidan went right into the CIC on his way to the crew deck. He would see to the disposition of the matriarch's body. Shepard turned left and strode into the cockpit.
"Joker."
"Ma'am." The lieutenant turned in his flight couch.
"Contact Port Hanshan control and request their next available departure slot, then set a course for Thessia. I want to be on our way to the relay as soon as the portmaster clears us for departure. Right now I'm heading to the briefing room. I want Captain Anderson on the comm before I get there, followed by the council, and then whoever you can reach with the Conclave of Matriarchs on Thessia. Both Pax and Parnitha are relay systems. Since this will be an all in-system trip I want to give them as much notice as we can before we're on their doorstep."
"Yes Ma'am. We're probably only looking at 35 hours or so of transit time depending on traffic." Joker paused, "Commander..."
"Not now Joker."
"Yes Ma'am."
Shepard briskly strode through the CIC, her eyes focused straight ahead. She acknowledged Pressly, but otherwise ignored the other members of her crew. She still had her helmet under her arm when she entered the briefing room. She expected the calls to go quickly. These communications weren't going to be requests for permission, but rather notifications of fact.
.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.
Thirty minutes had passed before Shepard finished her business in the briefing room. Much of her time was spent waiting for the matron that Joker was eventually able to reach on Thessia. Shepard felt the surge of the engines as the ship departed Noveria while she was still explaining the details of Benezia's death to the incredulous Asari. Although it took time and several mentions of her spectre status to pierce the matron's veil of disbelief, Shepard was eventually satisfied that her wishes would be carried out, and that the Conclave would begin preparations to receive Benezia's body.
Shepard could feel the exhaustion weighing on her when she finally left the briefing room. Again she passed members of her crew without a word, this time on her way to the crew deck. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she turned and walked towards her cabin without hesitation. She couldn't bring herself to head to the medbay. Not yet.
As she entered her cabin, she stripped off her armor and headed towards the shower. She barely recognized the person in the mirror. The shoulders were slumped, and the eyes that looked back at her were haunted, defeated. The reflection was of someone who had just lost a major battle, perhaps even a war. She felt unfit for command decisions.
She shook her head and drove herself to take a cold shower. The frigid water helped her focus. It was impossible to keep wallowing in her despair while she was shivering from the cold. It also kept her moving and assisted in banishing her lack of desire to keep going.
Once she was dry, she refrained from dressing in her normal shipwear as she donned her dress blues. This was a somber occasion, and not just for her. Although technically what she was about to do was not a death notification, she felt it deserved the equivalent level of formality from the ship's commanding officer.
After she dressed, she made no immediate motion to leave her cabin. A moment of doubt had seized her. She had made the tough calls before. She'd watched friends and family die. She had had soldiers die on her watch due to both her actions, and inaction. She'd delivered heartbreaking messages to parents that their son or daughter wasn't coming home. As painful as those events had been, none of them had felt like this. None had caused this unfamiliar pain in her chest she felt when she thought about what she'd done to Liara.
She took a deep breath. It would be easy to tell herself that Liara wouldn't want to see her. Easy to believe that others should be the ones to comfort her, others who had not pulled the trigger that had killed the young Asari's mother. Easier still to tell herself that she would actually be doing the right thing by maintaining her distance for now.
No. She shook her head. That would be too easy. She'd hurt Liara deeply. The very least she owed Liara was to look her in the eye and accept whatever came. It would be the hardest thing she had ever done, but she wasn't going to rationalize away her responsibility to take her lumps for the decision she'd made.
Shepard again looked in the mirror. This time the eyes burned back at her. She squared her shoulders as she willed the despair from her features. Sarah Jane Shepard had been called many things during her very active career, most of them far from flattering. One thing she had never been called, not by enemy nor friend, not by superior nor subordinate, was coward. She smoothed the lines of her dress blues, spun on her heel, and walked briskly from her cabin.
.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.
Shepard burst into the medbay, but entered a room empty of occupants.
She looked around, then swiftly strode cross to the entry of Liara's lab, and knocked lightly.
Dr. Chakwas opened the hatch and moved to stand in the doorway.
"Where's Liara? How is she?" Shepard craned her head to look around the doctor.
Chakwas stepped aside to reveal Liara sleeping on her cot. "She was in the Asari equivalent of shock when she arrived, Commander. Ashley and I were able to get her talking, and I've given her a light sedative. The drug isn't anything that will keep her under, but it will help her relax. She's not in any immediate danger, but she does need to be kept under observation."
"Thank you doctor, I relieve you." Shepard moved to pass the doctor and enter the lab.
"Wait just a minute." Dr. Chakwas put her hand on Shepard's chest. "You're just spent more than half the day in a firefight, and you're likely in worse shape than she is. You're practically dead on your feet. What you need to be doing is sleeping."
"Noted Doctor. I appreciate your concern, but this isn't a discussion. I would be grateful if you could have Crosby send in a pot of coffee, but I'm going to wait here until Liara wakes up."
Chakwas didn't move.
Shepard took a deep breath and collected herself. "Please Karin, I need to do this."
Chakwas looked intently at the commander. Her back was ramrod straight, her uniform spotless. However, her short red hair was wet and disheveled, and she had dark circles under her eyes. Chakwas could make a point of this, could refuse Shepard's request, and it would probably be for the best. If this were just a question of duty, she probably would.
But she knew that it wasn't.
The doctor let her arm fall. Shepard moved past the doctor and seated herself at Liara's desk. After a moment, Chakwas stepped into the medbay and let the hatch shut behind her.
A/N: Assumptions here include:
FemShep/Liara (still pre LI)
Later ME1 - after Suspicions and Omissions
After Noveria, before Virmire
Shepard is:
Colonist / Vanguard / War Hero
Obligations is the story to fill what I consider to be the largest blank in Liara's ME1 timeline, and is the main foundation to what I now think of as my "Cari'ssi'mi" series of stories. (Conditions, Omissions, Suspicions, now Obligations - with other stories to follow). How does Liara transition from shy and reserved archaeologist to willing to enter a relationship with Shepard? The premise is that if Shepard took Benezia's body home to Thessia, that would provide the opportunity for Shepard and Liara to interact outside of the context of battle.
As always, feedback is welcome and desired.