Alan Without Denny
Alan wannabe (or not to be)
Denny had died suddenly last year in Alan's arms without warning, just as Alan was about to fellate him into peaceful sleep. The EMT's had suggested that perhaps that Alan had precipated his premature demise by successfully argueing that the Supreme Court case he had presented to give Denny a not fully tested medication for Alzheimer's Disease. And it had been rankling in his mind ever since. To sleep alone without Denny's arms around him was punishment enough for him. He had never ever been as comfortable and secure than he was in the arms of his most beloved friend And it was breaking his heart. He decided to turn his anguish into the non-self centered work he was doing before Denny had lured him away, by promising that now at least he was better and the time had come for them to enjoy life, and Alan had done so with great relish, which seemed to make Denny's death even more unbearable. Denny's Star Trek party at Nimmo Bay had become a sorrow for all involved, even Brad, who wept almost as much as Alan. The ordeal seemed to bring them closer, for the loss of the man they all loved so well.
Seeing no alternative to focus himself, and restore his sanity, Alan returned to the Legal Aid clinic where he felt he could put the emotion of his broken and injured heart to no better use! Ok, he would not have Denny to come home to at lunch, and warmly kiss with all the love he still felt in his heart, but the broken and wounded hearts of other people could at least be helped by his legal skills, and it was something he aspired to do with all his liberal heart. The first client he met had just lost her children to a horrible motor accident and he could feel the same anguish she felt, or at least he felt he did. She wanted to sue the city of Boston for inadequate road signals. When she burst into tears, so did he, not caring about a macho image. Death was just too much to be taken without emotion! When she wailed that she would never see her children again, his heart pained him, too, thinking of the beloved friend he would never see again. Alan did all the research work for the case himself, as those at the non-profit Legal Aid clinic, were not permitted secretaries or paralegals, as were available at larger, corporate firms, and it seemed to take some of the sting out of his daily life, and made him glad that he had studied so hard in law school even on the minor areas such as legal aid work! He even typed his own papers and notes. In some ways, he felt like he was wearing a hair shirt in Denny's honor, although he was sure that Denny had never done any of these tasks during his legal career.
The workings of civil engineering (used in designing cities) was somewhat foreign to him, although it was taught in early law classes (oh how much one forgets in a lifetime). He was surprised at how much the civil engineers had overlooked (even in a city as prominent and complex as Boston) in the details of traffic direction. He could see exactly how the traffic directions could have been misread by his client! When he put himself behind her steering wheel in his mind, he fashioned her predicament clearly, and he had no doubt that his argument could be made persuasivly..presented. As the clock seemed to be inching toward quitting time, Alan began to prepare to return to his lonely room. He gathered his warm woolen coat and his briefcase, and he went to the elevator. He had been thinking about getting into better shape for some time now, an idea that he had permitted to expire since Denny's death. But standing by the elevator, his eye fell on the stairway door, and be began to think, idly, about using the stairs instead of the elevator. Alan was aware of the large volume of scientific information on the value of aerobic exercise. He knew that the basis of the science was an elevated heart rate for a considerable time. He barely remembered that the lower boundary of the percentage range of acceptable heart rate to maintain was obtained by calculating by subtracting his age from 220 [220-50 = 170, then subtracting his average resting heart rate (about 70 for him) from his target heart rate(70)=100 to get his lower heart rate range. This is the heart beat range he should keep up(170-100) over a 20-60minute period, 3-5 times per week.Alan wondered how he would fare with this type of workout. Even if he wanted to start with the lowest time working out, he didn't believe that if would take him 20 minutes to get downstairs to the lobby. He decided to see how long it would take him to jog to the first floor of the building, halting only long enough to check his pulse, then decide how out of shape he was. He knew he would take longer to walk back up the stairs, but he decided to take the same measurements again tomorrow morning. When Alan got to the lobby of the building, he found that it had only taken him about 10 minutes, and his pulse rate had only reached 120 bpm.
He walked home, but that only used another 20 minutes and his heart rate was still only about 120 bpm. Alan realized that he would have to put out some serious effort to gain any benefit from this sort of work-out. When he came in the apartment door, it was dark and cold and deathly silent. He had a glass of brandy, and found that it didn't lighten the mood or the silence. He went to bed, but was sleepless for at least 5 hours. By the time he dozed off, his alarm was just going off. He shaved and showered and made himself some coffee. He felt like he hadn't slept all night, which indeed he really hadn't. H walked to work a bit more slowly than he had intended to, but when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he remembered the resolve he had had the evening before, and he began trying to run up the stairs as fast as he could. By the fourth floor landing of the 8 story ascent, he was breathing hard, and he could hear Denny in his head, "Don't you ever listen to those diet commercials? Always check with your doctor before beginning any new exercise program!" The imagined voice of Denny so cheered him that he began a new burst of speed for the next four floors. Then he noticed a new ache in his jaw he hadn't noticed before. The left arm and side of his body was becoming very heavy, and his chest felt crushed. Hadn't he heard from Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN the day before or the one before that that a cardiac episode often begins in the arm. No, wait that was for women! No, Denny, I am not your bitch! For men, Dr. Gupta had said it was more likely to begin in the chest with a crushing weight. Alan's tired legs failed him, and he collapsed on to the stair he was attempting to ascend. Well, he thought, it's really beating now! That should give me some points! His conscienciousness began to slip from his mind, and he was once again on the balcony with Denny, smoking a stogie and trying to make sense of whatever nonsense Denny was making. For a minute or so, he came back to consciencness. And he realized that it was really like he had always thought, there were no harps nor angels, just the refuse of a spent life. On of the other of the litigation staff was coming up the stairs later than he and cried out "Mr. Shore Mr. Shore, are you okay?" Alan tried to say no, but the word wouldn't come! Instead the pain became unbearable and he thought, "Okay, smart guy, what do you have to say now?" He realized that Alan without Denny wasn't worth the time it would take to experience it! Just what he thought all along!