Stop... Horsing Around
"I didn't kill your father!" Peter screamed at Harry. Harry whizzed towards Peter on his over powered, homing, light up air scooter. "You as good as killed him!" Screamed harry, spittle flying from his weird duck face that he always got when he was upset (or happy, or introspective or sad or tired or happy). Peter shot lace out of his hand and sprung to safety, then he drew a glock out of his tight suit and aimed it at Harry (Harry had just thought he was happy to see him). "Peter no!" Whined Mary Jane, running towards the quarreling pair. "This isn't your problem MJ. Go back to where ever you he had you hanging precariously over some long height. I am sick of saving your ass. Just stay away from tall buildings!" Cried Peter angstily.
The skies above opened and the dynamic trio was soon soaked (pathetic fallacy, for those who are wondering). Mary Jane was sick of Peter's shenanagins. She couldn't tell whether or not it was raining, or if the water streaming down her face was her tears. Peter turned back to Harry, who had one of those infamous orange grenades in his hand. In a burst of terrified adrenaline Peter opened fire, aiming straight for harry's heart. That's when Mary Jane, being useful for the first time in her life for something other then sex, jumped in front of the bullet.
Two months later
"Heyyy Mj, how are you feeling today?" said Peter as he walked towards his estranged girlfriend. He carried a plastic tray with an assortment of breakfast foods he had whipped up. Mj turned from where she had been looking introspectively out the window to face the man who had shot her and ruined her life. "hurr" she wheezed. Peter's ill timed bullet those months ago had torn through her cheek, her tongue and out the other side, leaving her mute. She was no longer fit to act, to sing, to make any sort of living on stage. if you were positioned right, you could still see through her mouth, the wholes had never closed properly.
Eating was a challenge, breathing was a challenge, living was a challenge. Mj was slowly losing her will to carry on. She was stuck in Peter's apartment all day, too scared to walk the streets that had once been her home and deal with the curious stares of strangers. She couldn't even leave Peter, the man she hated, because she was destitute and had no way of making any sort of tolerable living. So she was stuck here, and she was sad.
"Hurrr" She wheezed again. Peter tried to hold back his tears, unable to cope with the guilt. Every time he looked at this... creature, he was inevitably reminded of that night. Since that night he had grown his hair long and stopped showering, now his bangs lay plastered across his fore head, looking perpetually wet with the grease that clung to them. Mj picked the toast of the tray and popped a chunk into her mouth. As she chewed it, the mashed toast begun to leak out of her bullet wounds in a comically horrific fashion.
"Hurr sher durrr" sputtered MJ at the look of shocked amusement on Peter's face. Peter wasn't sure if she had asked a question but he resorted to his default, constipated expression. A timid smile crept across his face and expanded until his lips could go no wider. Then he nodded slightly and left the room, taking the tray with him. Damn it felt good to be a gangsta.
Two more months
There was a knock at the door. Mj raised herself from her relaxed position on the couch and answered it. On the other side stood a tall, scragily faced man with dashing good looks and a distinct impression of swagger about him. "Hello Mary Jane, my name is Tony Stark." Peter raised himself from the couch as well, suspicious of this handsome intruder. "Why are you here Mr. Stark?" "To save the world." he said dramatically and strolled into their sparse apartment. Mj hurred impatiently but the men took no notice of her heavy breathing.
"How can we help you save the world?" "It's not you im interested in Peter. It's this lovely young women whose face you have mangled." "What does Mj have to do with the end of the world?" Mr. Stark sighed and rubbed his head. "Are you familiar with the concept of global warming Mr. Parker?" "Of course" Shrugged Peter, flipping his hair dramatically. "Well, it would seem that Mj's constant mouth breathing has caused a dramatic rise in Co2 levels in Manhattan." "ON NEREEEE" Gasped Mj. "Oh yes." Sighed Tony Stark. "And she's not the first mouth breather to make it onto my watch list. Here watch this helpful educational video." Tony Stark pulled out his laptop and clicked play.
Center screen stood a tall powerfully built man with a green and blue stripped teeshirt. "He looks like Harry's dad!" Exclaimed Peter. "No, stop what you're saying. He's not. He killed your uncle, but don't worry about it." "WHA-" "SHHHHHH" yell-whispered Tony. The man on screen's chest rose and fell rapidly, his mouth was agape. "Now let's watch the same video clip, but with a special emulsion that let's us see his breath. They re-watched the video. This time the man was dark, except his breaths rose in breath taking swirls of color. Some areas a plethora of blues and greens, the area closest to his mouth, hot, hot red.
"Now, as you can see." Explained Tony Stark "The air leaving his mouth is more then three times hotter then the air leaving his nose, and with a serious mouth breather like this, the effect on the environment could be devastating. Lets watch the same video clip except this time, pay attention to the top right hand corner." They watched the video again. In the top right corner was another video, layered on top of the old one. It showed a montage of the icecaps melting and polar bears dying and penguins having blood orgies. "As you can see" continued Tony Stark "Mouth breathers like this man and Mary Jane, will cause the end of the world.
"That makes... perfect sense!" Exclaimed Peter awestruck. He looked at Mj accusingly. She started to cry (it started to rain (pathetic fallacy)). "So what can we do? There is no way for Mj to stop breathing the way she does." "Hurrrrrrr" agreed Mj. "I've searched and searched and it appears the only way to deal with her problem is to... Now im sorry this is going to be hard for you to hear but... We must turn her into a horse." "A horse?" asked Peter worried. "A horse" confirmed Tony Stark. "You see. Horses are the only animal in the world which can only breath through it's nose. Therefore, if were turn Mj into a horse, she will no longer be able to kill polar bears with her warm mouth breathe."
Peter nodded, there was no way around it if the world were to be saved. "Just make it quick." Peter said, tears leaping to his already watery eyes. "HUURRRDERSHereE" breathed mj indignantly. "Shhhh girl" Said Tony Stark comfortingly, gently patting her nose as if she were already in her horse form. Then he promptly pulled out a lazor (mj just thought he was happy to see her) and turned her into a beautiful roan stallion, then he jumped on her back and together they rode off into the sunset.
Harry watched it all from the roof of the building across the street. He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand and nodded. It was the only way. His left eye drooped dejectedly, like it did when he was upset (or mad, or getting revenge, or tired, or happy, or sad or mad.) Then he saasheyed to his air scooter and flew away.