Yar! Stupidity 'pon the high seas!
Chapter 1: Lost!
Disclaimer: I don't own any SSB things or any Nintendo things or any THING that slightly resembles video games or things commonly seen on TV or ANYTHING! I own part of the storyline but not the people in it. This story is not meant to be used around small children as it may cause diarrhea or excessive vomiting.
Reviews: If you don't review I will stab a small kitten… I may/may not be joking about that…
Gold Stars: You can have twelve if you're good and nice to me and stuff…
This will be a series of one-shot kind of things… like my Advertisements or Game shows… that means that I will kill everyone more than once… hell I'll probably kill everyone nine millions times each… It's not my fault… blame violence in shows like Barney and Pee Wee's Playhouse… those shows ruined me…
Anyway… this is my attempt to be funny. I actually like it. Leave a review if you want to, but it doesn't matter… I'll continue this story as long as I get at least one review… and I might review myself if it comes down to it…
Pee Wee's Playhouse Theme song! (I remember how, last year, I would scream My Chemical Romance from time to time… so…) MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! (You think I'd leave something I liked just because it isn't cool anymore? You trendy, trendy fool)
"Yar! I be sailing 'pon the high seas with me crew! This be a tale of our everlasting war 'pon scurvy!" Mario said, with two peg legs, two peg arms, and two patches, one over each eye. He had a dead bird glued to his shoulder. He wore a pirate hat. He wasn't wearing anything else though.
"Hey captain!" Luigi said running into the room soon noticing Mario only wearing his hat. "OH MY GOD! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Luigi screamed, gouging out his eyes with a spoon at the horrific sight.
"Yar! Say it like a pirate, not like a landlubber!" Mario yelled. Luigi looked around, slightly nauseous.
"Yar! Captain! Be wearing more than just that hat 'pon your head!" Luigi said meekly. He then died of gouging-out-your-eyes disease.
"Yar! Fine!" Mario yelled and went into his closet to get dressed.
(Ten minutes later)
"Yar! I be stuck!" Mario yelled.
(On the deck)
"I'm concerned… the captain hasn't been out yet… do you think something might be wrong?" Ness asked.
"STFU!" Link yelled, secretly wondering what that even stood for.
"It stands for shut the flangerborber up!" Ness said with a wink. Link responded to this wink with a barf. Ness responded to this barf with a violent rampage, destroying all their equipment and supplies. Link responded to this violent rampage with a sword. Ness responded to this sword with his head falling off. Link responded to this with a barf.
"Aye! Someone doesn't have legs fit for the sea!" Roy said laughing. A wave of water soon hit him and he fell off the deck. Jellyfish ate him alive.
"I almost loved you for a minute there, but if you get seasick then you're just a pathetic LOSER!" Zelda yelled, winking.
"Isn't it bad luck to have girls on the ship?" Ness's head asked as it rolled by.
"YAR!" everyone screamed and threw Peach, Zelda, and Jigglypuff off the boat. They thought Samus was a guy so they let her stay. Peach and Zelda were eaten alive by jellyfish. Jigglypuff didn't taste good so the jellyfish let her float away. She later landed in Portugal and became a world-famous prank caller.
(With Mario)
"Yar! I still be stuck!" Mario yelled. Nobody cared. Mario, being as bored as he was, began to tell himself pirate stories of old.
"I once be holding in a fart fer months! I remember the day… Yar! Stinky!…" Mario trailed off, mumbling to himself.
(On the deck)
"Raise the sails!" Marth yelled from atop the crow's nest. He then realized that this was an actual crow's nest and had nothing to do with the ship. He was eaten alive.
"I wonder where Marth is…" Samus said with glaze in her eye. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get this glaze out. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that doughnut!"
"Yar! Hoist the sails!" Captain Falcon said, assuming command, as he had been the three and four sevenths mate.
"Yar! Who be ye! To tell us what we be doing!" Bowser asked, walking up to Captain Falcon in anger. He then stepped on a weak board and fell through the bottom of the boat into the sea. He was eaten alive by jellyfish.
"If he was eaten alive that means he never died!" Ness's head said rolling by again. "And what does this have to do with scurvy?"
Doctor Mario reattached Ness's head to his body. Ness died of brain un-damage.
"You're a bad doctor!" Pichu yelled raising his pint-sized sword at the doctor.
Doctor Mario cut Pichu's arm off and gave him a peg leg to make up for it.
"This wont work! I have three legs now! I HATE YOU!" Pichu screamed and ran off crying. As he only had three legs he tripped and stumbled and got a splinter in his eyes. Doctor Mario gave him some peg legs to make up for this.
"AHHH! I HAVE MORE LEGS THAN I CAN CONTROL!" Pichu screamed, wiggling around in pain. He then died of the Bird Flu.
"What are we going to do about that huge hole in the bottom of the boat that Bowser caused?" Ness's head asked as it rolled by again.
"How are you even doing that?" DK asked in horror. He then tripped on a banana peel and his head slapped head first into his face. "Ow."
Samus fixed the hole in the boat.
"Wow Samus! You're so cool and strong and manly and male and not a girl in any way!" Captain Falcon yelled in a suggestive way.
"Get yer scurvy infested landlubbing self away from me ye dog!" Samus yelled, kicking Captain Falcon's family jewels. The jewels fell off the ship.
"NO! Those jewels were expensive!" Captain Falcon screamed, diving into the water. He died when he missed the water and hit a coral reef instead.
(With Mario)
"Yar! Is anyone going to help me here?" Mario asked.
"I'm here, I'll help!" Popo said and opened the door to the closet. Mario fell out and immediately got back up.
"Yar! I be going up to the deck to be seeing where we be going!" Mario said running off.
"Popo? Where are you?" Nana asked walking towards the room.
"No… get that godforsaken girl away from me! NOOOOO!" Popo screamed and jumped into the closet.
Nana walked in to notice no one was there.
"Where is that stupid boy when you need him?" Nana asked.
"Aren't girls on ships bad luck or something?" Ness asked as his head rolled by.
"YAR!" The pirates screamed and threw Nana off the ship. She was eaten dead by jellyfish.
"I'm stuck" Popo said, trying to get out of the closet. "And what's that smell?"
(At the steering wheel, or whatever you want to call it)
"Yar! Where be we?" Mario asked Fox and Falco, the navigator and steering person.
"Umm…" Fox asked.
"Don't look at me! You're the one who had the compass last!" Falco yelled.
"Yar! We be lost 'pon the seas! May Neptune have mercy 'pon our godforsaken souls!" Mario yelled.
"We're lost?" DK screamed in horror. "WE'RE LOST! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! ARG!"
This put the whole ship into a panic. Everyone began running around in circles. This was a bad thing as there were cannons and guns and swords lying around everywhere.
Basically: Fox died when a cannon Pikachu had somehow fallen into shot off and hit him. Pikachu died from that as well. Young Link drank some old moldy milk and died. Ness's head was tossed off the ship. DK fell over and then got back up unscathed.
"Yar! We be saving the food! Yar! Nobody be eating more than their share!" Mario yelled to the remaining crew.
"Awww" said Doctor Mario, DK, Falco, Samus, Popo, Pichu, Mewtwo, Mr. G&W, nope never mind, Mr. G&W fell through a crack in the boat and was eaten alive by jellyfish… Kirby, Yoshi, and Gannondorf.
(Ten minutes later)
"I'm bored!" Gannondorf whined.
"I'm still stuck!" Popo said, although nobody heard him.
The Boogieman came in to the closet as it was his favorite hiding place. He noticed Popo and mauled him to death.
"RAR BOOBLE FRAR!" Boogieman yelled as he went into the closet and closed the door.
(Ten minutes later)
"I'm stuck…" the Boogieman complained.
(With the crew again)
"Let's be cannibals!" Pichu said with a innocent smile.
The crew cooked Pichu alive and ate him.
"Thanks Pichu! That was a wonderful suggestion!" Gannondorf said. "Wait… Pichu? NOOOOO! HE'S DEAD! Which one of you did this?" Gannondorf yelled looking at the rest of the crew. They all pointed at him.
"You fiend! How could you kill a poor innocent creature like that!" Gannondorf yelled.
"I was hungry! And he suggested it! Come on!" Gannondorf said, trying to defend himself.
"That's no excuse! Prepare to die!" Gannondorf yelled and stabbed Gannondorf, killing him.
(Ten minutes later)
"Yar! I've an idea!" Mario yelled getting up and getting some gunpowder. He poured it into the shape of an S, then an O, then another S.
"Yar! This be the best idea 'pon the high seas!" Mario yelled as he then lit the gunpowder on fire. Above the ship a huge, red, SSO could be seen.
"I don't think you put those letters in the right order…" Mewtwo said.
Some pilots were flying overhead when they saw the signal.
"What does that mean?" one pilot asked.
"I have no idea… maybe we should shoot it with our missiles…" the other pilot suggested.
"Great idea!" the first pilot said as they launched some missiles and left.
"I don't see how any of this is physically possible…" Ness's head said from the inside of the jellyfish's stomachs.
(On the ship)
"Yar! Help be coming!" Mario said, watching the missiles come closer and closer.
"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Mewtwo said with concern.
The missiles connected with their target, blowing a huge whole into the ship. The Boogieman was lost in the explosion. He tried to find his way out, but he was just too prideful to ask for directions… so he was lost in that explosion.
Falco and Kirby and Yoshi all died too. Though this was unrelated to the explosion.
"Yar! Abandon ship!" Mario yelled as the ship was starting to go down.
Everyone except DK and Mario jumped off the ship and died by the jellyfish.
"Yar! I meant the boat but that be fine too!" Mario yelled. "And why be you here! Get going! Yar!"
"I want to stay with you sir. I think we have one last chance to stop Kirby" DK said.
"Yar! I be having no time for ye and yer Kirby Superstar references to Meta Knight and his ship on the final level where the screen be scrolling and ye go to a room and beat those pathetic attempts at 'bosses' before finally meeting Meta Knight and taking him on yerself! Yar! No time fer that at all!" Mario yelled.
"Sorry… I wont do that ever again…" DK said.
The ship was sinking and only one side of the ship was left. They ran into Mario's room.
"Yar! This be how I be going down! I never be expecting this to be how it end! Yar!" Mario said, with a tear in his eye.
Just then the phone started ringing.
"Yar! I be getting that now!" Mario said.
"Wait… we have a phone? Are you saying we could have just called for help instead of setting fire to our own ship? ARE YOU SAYING ALL THAT DEATH WAS UNNECESSARY?" DK screamed.
"Yar! No… I be saying I be going to go answer the phone now! Yar!" Mario said.
"Oh… OK… I guess I didn't hear you correctly then" DK said and calmed down.
"Yar! Who be it! Speak quickly!" Mario said as water started seeping into his room.
"Is your refrigerator running?" Jigglypuff asked while suppressing a giggle.
"Yar! I be not having refrigeration! Yar! That be why me crew be getting scurvy so much! Yar!" Mario answered.
"Scurvy? More like MANURE!" Jigglypuff screamed into the phone and then hung up, laughing as hard as she could.
"Yar! How do manure and scurvy be sounding the same to that caller? Yar! People be weird these days! Yar!" Mario said as water was now up to almost the roof.
"Well… I guess this is it… I love you man…" DK said crying.
"Yar! Stop yer crying! We can make it still! Yar!" Mario said as he grabbed DK by the wrist and tried to swim out of the room. Having patches over each of your eyes can make this a hard deal though. Mario just kept slapping into walls until he drowned.
DK got Ebola and died that way.
Yar! This be a fun story!
Twice as long as the average Joeban chapter! With three times the yawning and four times the lack of inspiration!
Anyway… I hope you like this new, butchered form of English that is my story. I suggest you watch Pee Wee's Playhouse… or Venture Brothers… or Family Guy… or Aqua Teen Hunger Force… or ANYTHING comedy in adult swim that isn't Tom goes to the Mayor… Tom goes to the Mayor is to comedy what Inuyasha is to anime…
If that last paragraph offended you then whatever…
Here's the deal though… you should be offended simply if I say "there is no God"… your ancestors went through pain and trial and death all for this person named God and you'd actually turn on them all like that? If not for your family then for acceptance! And if not for acceptance then for… umm… well… you can have wine at the sacrament and stuff… or if you don't have wine then… umm… potluck dinners… or something…