Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, of anything else you recognise. This idea wasn't even mine. I got it when someone said "Imagine this: Emmett. A kindergarten Teacher" then there were a few other situations… That aren't dirty. Thank you very much.

Anyways… I was kinda high and then got upset writing this because I ran out of Pocky…

Oh! Oh! HAPPY BIRTHDAY FAT HEAD!! Nah jokes Jenn, we all love you… well… some more then others… coughcoughmrmaplesoncoughcough

OK! Drum roll please? –crickets chirp—damn cheap ass crickets… Just read…

Emmett the Kindergarten Teacher

I stood in the doorway frozen in shock of the sight before me. Of all the things I've seen in my eighteen years. I never thought I would see this or anything like it.

-- Flashback --

"So, umm… Where are we going?" I asked. I was sitting in Edward's stupid shiny Volvo that was going too fast and taking me somewhere I didn't know where.

"We, my love, are going to a primary school." Edward replied.

"Okay… and we're going to a primary school why?" I asked sceptically.

"We're going to visit a kindergarten class there." He replied simply.

I sighed and put my head back on the headrest, Edward's hand reached out and entwined with mine making me smile.

"You'll have fun, I can guarantee that much." Edward smiled.

-- End Flashback --

I just stood there my eyes wide with shock and then I just dropped onto the floor in fits of laughter. The site itself was one thing, but to have him there was just the icing on the cake. Emmett was tied to a chair with skipping ropes of various colours with two hoops around his neck, he had paint all over his shirt and face and a glitter in his hair and the WHOLE kindergarten class was doing some sort of tribal dance with a few beating text books with rulers and pencils.

"ARGH!! NO! NO! STOP! ARGHHHHHHHH" Emmett cried a little girl stuck heart stickers to his face.

"But derew so pwetty." She said sticking more onto his face.

"ARGH!! IT BURNS!!" he continued.

"En dis is forw teaching us de alwphabet" she said putting purple flowers in his hair. (A/N: LOL purple!!)

I was on the floor laughing so hard that I barely noticed that Edward had picked me up and set me down in another part of the classroom so that I wasn't in the doorway.

After what felt like forever, I finally gained enough composure to ask Edward something without breaking out in laughter all over again.

"So, umm… why is Emmett here?"

"He lost a bet to me." Edward smiled.

"What was the bet over?" I asked. An evil smile crept onto his face and is eyes showed amusement.

"Now that, my love. Is not for human ears." I was about to retort with something when Alice ran into the room with armfuls of glitter and paint with a big grin on her face.

"Hey guys!" she shouted. "I found the art supplies room!"

This caused the children to cheer and rush to her and take the glitter and paint then throw it all over Emmett, whereas Alice herself had a VERY big jar of pink glitter, it also seemed that she had two accomplices with her – one with a bag of feathers and the other struggling with a bucket of PVA glue. This was gonna get messy.

For Emmett, Murphy's laws took place right there where he was now.

"NO! NO! STOP! ARGHHHHHHH!!" Emmett shouted. Alice's little accomplices had just poured the bucket of PVA glue all over Emmett's head along with feathers and a text book. Yes. A text book was now glued to his head.

"Bella, love?" Edward said shaking me gently. "Would you like to join them?"

"Of course! Why should they have all the fun?" I said excitedly.

The next half an hour went by in a blur of glitter and paint with me skipping with the children around Emmett who was now passed out due to over exposure of pink glitter. Life was good. Except for Emmett of course thanks to Murphy's Laws.

"AY YOUS!" A voice boomed at the door, causing everyone to stop as look at the person. "What do you think you're doing here at my school?"

"My brother here is volunteering, so we can along to help." Edward replied in a calm voice, finishing the ribbon on Emmett's head. I was wondering how he can be so calm when we were being yelled at authority figures while I was scared shitless.

"You think you're so smart…" The man started.

"You wanna join us?" Alice chirped. The man went really –and I mean really—red in the face.

"I am principal of this school! You hoodlums come along and corrupt my students and attack this poor boy!" He shouted. "I am insulted!"

"Insulted…" Alice said slowly, as if she had never heard the word before. "You're… insulted?" Alice asked confused.

"Of course I am!" he shouted. "I'm insulted that I wasn't invited earlier!"

"Oh! In that case!" Alice said brightening up. "Grab some streamers and join the party!"

"Alrighty I will!" The principle cheered and started to skip around Emmett with the rest of us.

"Oh the pain!" Emmett cried as a pink streamer hit I'm in the face. "Oh mercy on me dear lord!"

"Hey!" A little girl shouted. "You have to pray to Greg Page when you're here, you poo bum!" with those last words, she threw a guitar at him. Because of the impact of the great guitar, Emmett the Great fell into a deep slumber, destined to not be awakened until further notice.

-- Some time later… (3rd person POV)

Emmett woke to the feel of being poked.

"Ay! Boy!" A gruff voice called. "Ay Boy! You wake up now, ya hear?" Emmett stirred and opened his eyes to a dark shadow with a golden glow.

"Are you my fairy god mother?" Emmett asked, waiting for his eyes to adjust.

"No boy! I ain't you're freakin' fairy god mother!" The voice snapped.

"Then what are you?" Emmett asked confused.

"I, my boy. Am The Phantom. But call me James. Jeff James." He said. (A/N: LOLs… my stalker geography teacher…)

"What are you doing here?" Emmett asked rubbing his eyes.

"I am here to drop my kids here so you can baby sit them."

"What?!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Yes, I have a Parent Teacher night and I can't take Jethrow and what's his name." (A/N: I think those are his kid's names… well I only kinda remember one…)

"Wait you can't –

"Hey kids! Come on!" he called out the door and then turned back to Emmett. "Good luck." And with that, he pranced off into the night to a parent teacher that will be very, VERY uneventful.

"Yo Emmett! Let's get this party started!" Jethrow called.

"Oh no." Emmett mumbled.

Oh no indeed. Poor Emmett. Poor Jethrow and what's his name. LOL the Phantom.

Thank you people who actually read this…