THE ANDREW SHOW
Episode 1
Star Trek, Pirates, and Gummi Bears!
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INT. BASEMENT. NIGHT. A slightly cramped, damp brick basement. The room is dark, with the only light coming from a Boba Fett nightlight. A figure is huddled under some blankets on a cot against the wall. All is still for a moment, when the figure, in his sleep, raises one arm.
FIGURE (In his sleep) No. Stay back... I'm warning you... Don't come any closer...
The light is suddenly flicked on and the figure sits up. Or tries to, as he gets tangled up in the blankets for a moment. Finally, though, he manages to free his head revealing himself to be ANDREW, a moon-faced young man, about twenty years old.
ANDREW My burro! It's my burro! My...!
FROM ANDREW'S POV A tall black blur, which gradually focuses into SPIKE, a tall and thin bleached-blonde man, standing in the doorway. Spike is wearing black Levis and a plain black t-shirt, and is covered with rather a lot of crusty green ichor.
ANDREW (Sleepily confused) You're not my burro...
SPIKE ... Right.
ANDREW (Sniffing the air) You smell like a burro, though...
SPIKE Yeah, like you'd be a bundle of roses after fighting an Am'Lev Demon. Now go back to sleep, this'll only take a minute.
ANDREW ... 'Kay.
Andrew lays back down, as Spike walks over to a small bag on the floor, and starts to dig through it for some clothes.
ANDREW (In his sleep) Here, burro-burro... I've got some sugar for you.
Spike pulls out another pair of black Levis and black t-shirt, when XANDER, a tall, somewhat goofy-looking man, slams open the door. His hair is covered with shampoo, sticking straight up, and unevenly streaked with yellow.
XANDER Spike! What the hell is this?!?
SPIKE (Calmly) Well, it looks like.. (Finally looks up at Xander) Bloody Hell! What're you doing with my Blonde Highlights Shampoo?
XANDER Your sham-? W-! What-?! Why did you leave this out where anyone can use it?
SPIKE (Taking the bottle and holding it up to Xander's face) Well, I'd think the words "Spike's shampoo. Don't sodding use!" should have been your first clue.
XANDER I had soap in my eyes, and it was the only one that didn't smell of lavender.
SPIKE Well, if you hadn't been insistant on being first in the shower...
ANDREW (Sitting up, still wrapped in blankets) Will you please be quiet! My burro and I are trying to have a little *siesta*.
He plops back down and pulls the blanket over his head.
(Opening Title and Credits)
INT. BASEMENT. MID-MORNING Andrew is sitting by the washing machine, wearing a frilly pink lace bathrobe. He's reading the instruction manual out loud as it runs.
ANDREW Warning. Never mix your colors with your... (Turns the page) whites. That makes sense. Oh! *That's* why my shirt turned pink. (To washing machine in a "super-villany" voice) You will rue the day you tangled with Andrew. Oh, yes. You will rue. Rueing is, uh, what you will do.
His little rant is inturrupted by a snicker of amusement form near the doorway. DAWN, a sixteen-year-old girl with long brown hair, is standing in the doorway, trying to suppress a laugh.
ANDREW (Pulling the top of the bathrobe tight, then trying to fold his arms nonchalantly to keep it in place.) What, um, what are you laughing about?
DAWN Well, partly at your little argument with the washer about bleach.
ANDREW That-that wasn't an argument. It was just-just a discussion that got a little heated, okay?
DAWN But mainly at (snort) at whatever it is you're... ha-ha-ha ...you're wearing.
ANDREW Well, I have to wear *something* while my clothes are in the wash.
DAWN (Opening a small cupboard near the washer to reveal some blue-jeans and shirts) Well, why didn't you wear some of the guy stuff Xander leaves here?
ANDREW You mean, dress like Xander?
He cocks his head to the side, and a small glint appears in his eye.
EXT. GRAVEYARD. NIGHT. BUFFY, a petite blonde girl dressed in a leather costume and breastplateis, is busy fighting with three vampires. She does a kick to the closest one's chest, knocking him back about fifty feet, then throws a wooden stake without looking. It slams right into his heart, turning him to dust. About thrity feet away the other two vamps are closing in on WILLOW, a redhaired girl dressed in a black robe and pointy witch's hat, who's lying on the ground.
WILLOW (Throwing the back of her hand up to her forehead) Oh, no! My witchy powers have failed for no apparent reason, leaving me helpless before these two vam-PYREs!
Buffy crouches down, then jumps, Xena-like, into the air.
BUFFY Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!!!
She lands right in between the two vamps, standing over Willow, and proceeds to thrust a stake into both vamps at the same time, one with each hand. As the vamps turn to dust, she kneels down, and take's Willow's hand.
WILLOW Thanks, Buffy! You're my best friend.
BUFFY And you're my best friend.
WILLOW Oh, no! Look out!
An extra-large vamp suddenly appears behind Buffy, arms outstretched like Frankenstein's. Before it can do anything, however, it explodes into dust revealing... Andrew, dressed up like Xander.
BUFFY and WILLOW Yay, Xander! You saved us yet again!
ANDREW Oh, pshaw. It was all in a night's work, eh girls?
VOICE What the hell is this all about?
Everyone looks to see the real Xander, dressed in a Hawaiin shirt and Bermuda shorts, standing behind them.
XANDER (Ponting at Andrew) You are SO going down for that.
He jumps up and hovers in the air, about ten feet up. A blue glow surrounds him, and his hair turns bright yellow and stands straight up.
XANDER Ka-me-ha-me-hah!
He outstretches his arms, and a blast of energy fires down at Andrew. Just before it reaches him-
SMASH CUT TO INT. BASEMENT. Andrew jumps to his feet.
ANDREW Oh my god. Xander is a Super-Sayen! Just like Son Goku! He has come to earth to save us from the alien legions who want to destroy us all and sell off our natural resources!
He runs out the door, right past Dawn, who is standing there with a confused look on her face. We hear his footsteps as he pounds up the stairs, the door opening, a burst of laughter, a girlish shreik, and footsteps coming down the stairs. Andrew, his face bright red, walks quickly over to his chair, and sits back down.
ANDREW I think I'll wiat until my clothes are dry.
EXT. STREET. MORNING An extremely bright day is beginning. Not a cloud in the sky, and the parts of the street in direct sunlight are hard to look at without squinting. Xander, wearing his Construction Foreman clothes and carrying his hard-hat at his side, is doing just that as he walks past an alleyway between two brick buildings. He stops in front of the next building, which has a sign stating:
Sunnydale Art Gallery is Currently Under Construction. Thank You for Your Patience During Our Renovations
XANDER Gotta love that Hellmouth double-speak. "Don't miind us, we're just cleaning up after some demons who got loaded on Yak urine."
He enters the building. A beat, and Andrew pokes his head out from the alleyway two buildings down. He's dressed all in black. Black turtleneck, black pants, black gloves, black beanie cap. He even has some black paint streaked uder both his eyes. Which means that he sticks out like a sore thumb as he slides around the corner, and tiptoes down down the sidewalk. Everytime a car drives past he flattens out against the wall, his back to the street, and tries to act invisible. Finally, when he's only a few feet from the far edge of the building, a cop car slowly starts to drive past. The two officers inside are staring hard at Andrew.
CUT TO ECU. ANDREW'S FACE. A few trickles of sweat are starting down his cheeks as his face is smooshed against the bricks.
ANDREW (Muttering under his breath) Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.
RETURN TO EXT. STREET. MORNING The two cops are laughing, rather hard, as Andrew tries to become one with the wall. After a few moments they calm down and drive off. Andrew, about ten seconds later, finally moves around the corner.
EXT. ALLEYWAY. MORNING The alley is rather cool and secluded. A large metal dumpster keeps anyone from the street from seeing Andrew. He stares up at an air vent grating, about two feet above his head.
ANDREW Hmmm. What would Captain Janeway do in a situation like this?
INT. STARSHIP "VOYAGER" CORRIDOR
Andrew, in a Star Trek jumpsuit and pointy Vulcan ears, is standing at attention. A number of Slayers in Training, dressed in similiar jumpsuits, are lined up next to him. Buffy, dressed as the ship's Captain Janeway, complete with her hair in an uptight-looking bun, is pacing back and forth in front of him.
BUFFY/JANEWAY I know we've faced many dangers in our time together. But we've overcome many trials through our determination and inventiveness. And, even though there are companions we've lost along the way...
FLASH TO TARA, a statuesque blond witch dressed up like the pixie-ish ST:V character Kes.
BUFFY/JANEWAY ...we've also met new and exciting beings as well.
FLASH TO An Uber-Vamp, dressed in a silver skin-tight jumpsuit, a la Seven-of-Nine.
BUFFY/JANEWAY And I know that, while it won't be easy, we will do what it takes to prevail. And, in the end, we will win. Somehow. Isn't that right, Chakotay?
Spike, wearing the First Officer's uniform (sans top), and a spiderweb-like tatoo on the upper-right portion of his face, enters the scene.
SPIKE/CHAKOTAY Too bloody right, we will. 'Cause we're dangerous beasts, out on the prowl. (Turns to Andrew) Isn't that right, matey?
SFX: DISSOLVE BETWEEN Andrew's face in the Star Trek setting to Andrew's face in:
INT. HEATING DUCTS Andrew is still dressed all in black, but he's now wearing rather cheap- looking Vulcan ears, and is covered with quite a bit of dust. He's in a metal heating duct, barely large enough for him to fit in.
ANDREW "Matey"?
VOICE (OS) Arr. Right, matey. That be the treasure we're after.
Andrew looks around, then realizes the voice is coming from the vent right underneath him. He peers through it at:
INT. ART GALLERY'S MAIN DISPLAY ROOM. DAY. A very large and spacious room, with a number of sculptures and paintings losely scattered about. All of which are covered by tarps, and surrounded by securely stored remodeller's gear (ie: ladders, paint cans, tools, etc.) While a little light is entering through the skylight up above, most of the room's light is coming from the large green tear in space, from which five Pirates have emerged.
FIRST PIRATE Be ye sure this be the correct booty?
SECOND PIRATE Aye. As sure as I can be of anything in the forsaken Hellhole.
FIRST PIRATE Arr. That be Hell-mouth. And don't ye be fergettin' it.
SECOND PIRATE Aye.
FIRST PIRATE Arr.
SECOND PIRATE Arr,
FIRST PIRATE Aye.
Pause
FIRST PIRATE Alright, ye scallywags. Get yer selves t' haulin' this here booty back aboard ship, a'fore I start layin' my cutlass agin' yer backsides!
The Second Pirate, along with the Third, Fourth, and Fifth Pirates, grab ahold of the shroud-covered statue and start to slowly carry it back towards the green tear. But, before they get very far...
ANDREW Hey, you! You, uh, scurvy dogs! Put that 'booty' down.
FIRST PIRATE (Looking all around, but unable to find who's speaking) Arr... Arr... Arr? Where be ye? Who be ye?
ANDREW Well, actually it's "Whom be ye?", if you want to get technical. And, um, I mean... I'm the Ghost of Long John... Blackbeard, uh, Pegleg... Patcheye Hook..?
The Pirates all look fearful.
THIRD PIRATE (Genuinely frightened) Not Long John Blackbeard Pegleg Patcheye Hook!
ANDREW Uh, sure.
A beat, and then the Third, Fourth, and Fifth Pirates drop the statue, and make a beeline for the tear in space.
THIRD, FOURTH, and FIFTH PIRATES Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!
The First Pirate grabs the Fourth Pirated as he runs past, and backhands his face hard. One of the Fourth Pirate's ornate earings goes flying across the room, twinkling as it goes, landing at the base of a distinctive statue.
FIRST PIRATE Hold yer ground, ye landlubbin' scalliwags!!
The other two Pirates come to a (reluctant) halt in front of the tear.
FIRST PIRATE (Suspiciously) If ye really be (gulp) Him, then how be it yer ghost haunts these parts?
ANDREW (Getting into it) Don't question me! For I'm am All-=Powerful! All-Knowing! All- um, All- You-Can-Eat!
THIRD PIRATE Arr?
ANDREW Uh, I mean...
XANDER (From OS) Hello? Is someone in there? Is some-THING in there?
FIRST PIRATE Arr! Back through th' Gate, Mateys!
The five Pirates immediately dash back through the green tear, which disappears just before Xander enters. He's wearing his hard hat, and carrying a flashlight in one hand and a nail-gun in the other.
XANDER You know, I *really* don't want to get involved with any drunken demon types right now. So, if you just wait until after we've left for the day before smashing stuf-
ANDREW Xander!
Xander jumps, firing off the nail-gun into a nearby painting. A beat.
XANDER Whoever you are, you are *so* paying for... Andrew?
He shines the flashlight up, revealing Andrew's face pressed up against a grate. He gives a small grin and a half-wave.
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. DAY.
Xander bursts through the front door, pushing Andrew in front of him. He has Andrew's arm twisted up behind him.
XANDER Anyone missing a little blonde annoyance?
Buffy, in the middle of a diatribe towards some scared-looking SiTs, looks towards them, her eys going wide upon seeing Andrew.
BUFFY Wha-?
Willow enters from the kitchen. Upon seeing Andrew being forced in, she calls back into the kitchen.
WILLOW Hey, ..you. Uh, Francesca. Check the Chore Wheel for who's on "Andrew Duty".
FRANCESCA (From OS) It is Dawnita's turn.
BUFFY I knew it. (Calls upstairs) Dawn!
Dawn rushes downstairs, talking nonstop.
DAWN What? Is there some sort of new problem? Does this mean I don't have to finish my Social Studies Report. 'Cause if the world's gonna go poof tonight, I'd really rather not... (She looks up and sees Xander, who's still got Andrew's arm twisted up. Everyone is glaring at her.) Ummm. Is something wrong?
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. EARLY AFTERNOON
We see Buffy, standing over Andrew, who is now tied back up in his chair.
BUFFY (In her bright and happy voice) This too tight for you?
ANDREW No. It's kinda comfy. Almost like coming- (She yanks on one of the straps, pulling it a lot tighter. Andrew's voice goes up an octave, into a kind of yelp.) -home!
BUFFY Good. Now, Dawn, we're going to be doing sweeps in the graveyard on Peyton.
DAWN (Sitting petulantly on the couch.) Fine.
BUFFY Finish your homework before talking with your friends.
DAWN Fine.
BUFFY And don't let our little hos-
Andrew clears his throat.
BUFFY (Sigh) Our little... guestage, here, loose. Xander'll be by a little later to check in on you.
DAWN Fine.
Buffy shakes her head and exits the front door, joining a large group of SiTs waiting outside. A few seconds after they leave, Dawn walks over to Andrew.
DAWN I thought we had an agreement. You don't try to escape or anything while it's my turn to guard you, and I don't tell anyone you cry during those old coffee commercials.
ANDREW But they're so romantic. And the guy looks just like Mr. Gi-
DAWN I know. You've told me like a thousand times. Now just sit there quietly while I go work on my stupid report.
ANDREW Uh, before you go, could you loosen one of my arms. I kinda have an itch I that's reallllly bugging me.
DAWN *I'll* scratch it for you. Is it your nose or...
ANDREW It's kinda down, uh...
He gestures downwards with his head for a moment before Dawn gets it.
DAWN Oh. (A beat) Oh! (A beat) Eeewwww...
She lets one of his arms free, and looks at him expactantly.
DAWN Well? Aren't you going to scratch the itch?
ANDREW I can't do it in front of people. That's impolite.
DAWN Fine. Whatever.
She heads up stairs. As soon as she's out of sight, Andrew looks around. Well, as far as his restraints will let him.
INT. HOLLOWED OUT VOLCANO LAIR Andrew, dressed up like James Bond, is strapped to a medical table. A laser is poised right above him. WARREN, wearing a bald-cap and an all- white suit, and stroking a little white cat, stands above him.
WARRENFINGER Well, Mr. Bond. Are you ready to die?
ANDREW BOND Do you expect me to talk, Warrenfinger?
Warrenfinger looks confused for a moment.
WARRENFINGER No, I kinda expect you to die. Which is why I asked, "Are you ready to die?"
ANDREW BOND Oh. Well then I guess I am.
WARRENFINGER Okay. (A few moments of uncomfortable silence) Well, I'll leave you to it, then. Bye.
He walks off. A beat.
ANDREW BOND Luckily Warrenfinger has foolishly left me one arm free. A little wristwatch laser action to the control panel... and...
He aims his watch-laser off-screen and fires. A clank as if from a large pot, a higher-pitched clink, and finally a cat yowling in pain.
WARRENFINGER (From OS) Mr. Fluffykins! Noooooo!!!!!!
ANDREW BOND Ooops. Let's try this... (He leans a little too far and the table starts to tip over.) Ahhhh...
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM Andrew's chair is balanced on two side legs.
ANDREW Oh, no.
He falls over, out of the frame. A beat.
ANDREW ...ooowwww. I fell on my keys again.
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. EVENING
The same shot, with Andrew's chair still on the floor. A faint bass beat is coming from upstairs.
ANDREW ... You take one down, you pass it around. Two bottles of Dr. Pepper on the ground. One bottle of...
The front door opens, and Xander enters.
XANDER Hey, Dawnster, I got some takeout for ya. And Andrew, I got you the latest "Capeman"... (Spots Andrew on the floor.) Tch, tch. How many times have we told Dawn, always clean up the geeks after they get spilled. Leaving them only stains the carpet. (Calls upstairs) Dawn! Dawn!
ANDREW It's no use. She, uh, she's playing her stereo at full volume again. Even though I told her that her speakers aren't really designed to handle... (Xander lifts the chair back into an upright position.) ...that much, uh, noisage. Thank you.
XANDER So, what was that knocked you over. More "Pirates for Outer Space"? Or was it Killer Clowns this time?
ANDREW Listen, if you'd just go back to the museum, uh, place I can prove there were pirates. One of them dropped some gold. Possibly a dubloon. I mean, what could it hurt to go look?
XANDER Knowing my luck, probably a lot.
INT. ART GALLERY'S MAIN DISPLAY ROOM. NIGHT
Xander and Andrew are shining flashlights around the room, looking for the peice of gold.
ANDREW (Placing the flashlight under his chin) Hey, Xander.
XANDER (Turning to face Andrew) What.
ANDREW (In a cheesy accent) Blah, blah. I'm Dracula. I vant to suck your blood.
XANDER Not funny.
ANDREW (Lowering the flashlight) Ah, c'mon. Don't you ever watch those old Bela Lugosi films and laugh at how wrong they got all the monster stuff? I mean, thinking there's a real Dracula out there. Ha-ha-ha.
XANDER There is a real Dracula. Buffy dusted him.
ANDREW Whoa. That's so... so.. nifty. Hey, have you ever met Frankenstein?
XANDER Okay, this is just stupid. There's nothing here. You want to look around some more, go right ahead. I'm heading back to Buffy's.
ANDREW But I know it's here.
XANDER Give my regards to the Turok Han, then.
He exits, leaving Andrew alone in what appears to be a *very* dark room.
ANDREW I'm not afraid. I'm not...
His flashlight abruptly goes out, and he lets out a girlish shriek.
ANDREW (Thumping the flashlight as hard and fast as he can, while speaking very fast) I'mnotafraidI'mnotafraidI'mnotafraidI'm-
The flashlight comes back on, pointing right at the base of the distinctive statue the gold earring landed in front of. But the earring is gone.
ANDREW Hey, that's where it... Wait a minute. Where'd it go?
A Large Pirate suddenly steps out of the darkness behind Andrew, placing his dagger at Andrew's neck, and his other hand over his mouth.
LARGE PIRATE Right over here. Matey.
Andrew drops the flashlight, which goes out. The darkness is now broken by a greenish glow coming from off-screen. We hear the Large Pirate dragging Andrew away, the sounds abruptly stop, and the light goes out.
EXT. FLYING DUTCHMAN A large pirate ship, perfectly normal. It looks a little similiar to Captain Hook's from the movie "Hook". Painted on the side, in ornate letters, is the name "The Flying Dutchman". The figurehead at the front of the ship looks suspiciously like Anya. There are three masts, a poop deck, a number of typically dressed Pirates working on the decks. The only thing abnormal about it is that it seems to be sailing in mid-air, under a dusty, blood-red sky. The crew takes no notice of this. Andrew, who is tied to the main mast, is staring around at it all.
ANDREW So, what do pirates do for fun? Do you get, like, television onboard? Or even HBO? Have you ever been on Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland?
This seems to have been going on for a while. The pirates ignore him, but they are getting seriously annoyed.
ANDREW So, when do I get to meet your Pirate Captain? Is he a vampyre? Are you Ghost Pirates? Do you prefer Pirates or Buccanears?
PIRATE CAPTAIN Enough!!!
The PIRATE CAPTAIN, an immense black man dressed in a charcoal-grey three piece suit, emerges from the Captain's Quarters. One of his eyes is covered by a black velvet patch, and his left hand is a double-pronged hook. He speaks with just a hint of a New Orleans patois in his cultured voice.
PIRATE CAPTAIN I have had just about enough of your prattling. You may ask, hmmm, five questions of me, before we make you walk the plank.
ANDREW Aren't three questions more customery?
PIRATE CAPTAIN Yes. But I'm feeling generous since our raid was a success. Four questions.
ANDREW Oh, uh, what were you stealing from Sunnydale?
PIRATE CAPTAIN An ancient talisman of the Buccanear lifestyle.
He gestures at a large piece of stone near the front of the ship. It's obviously the statue the Pirates were trying to steal earlier.
ANDREW (Staring at the stone object.) Is- is that a barbeque?
PIRATE CAPTAIN Well, yes. Buccanears are named after a traditional way of preparing meat for long voyages by soaking it in a spiced wine, then broiling it. This is the totemic emblem of that process. It grants great powers unto those, quote/unquote, "Pirates" who eat meals prepared upon it. Two questions left.
ANDREW Could I be your cabin boy?
PIRATE CAPTAIN (Taken aback) Our.. Cabin Boy..?
ANDREW Yeah. It'd be great.
PIRATE CAPTAIN Hmmm....
CUT TO: EXT. PIRATE SHIP The same ship, except that Andrew is now free, and dressed in a gaudy Pirate Costume. All f them are dancing.
ANDREW & PIRATES (Singing) I like to sing sing and dance. I like to sing and dance. I want to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance. Wear me silver-buckled slippers and my tight, shiny pants! I want to sing and daaaaance!
CUT BACK TO: EXT. FLYING DUTCHMAN Andrew is still tied to the mast. The Pirate Captain looks like he's about to become seasick.
PIRATE CAPTAIN Urk. Quickly, toss him through the Gate. Bleargh.
FIRST MATE Captain, I though ye wanted to keelhall him, nice and slow.
PIRATE CAPTAIN Oh, no. I'm not taking the chance that *his* ghost will end up haunting this ship. Throe him back through to the Hellmouth, and may some god have mercy on the souls of whosoever he ends up with.
A number of pirates untie Andrew, and drag him towards an arcane, and vaguely French-looking, drawing on the deck of the ship. One of the pirates speaks a few words, and the green tear in space opens up. But, before they thorw him through..
ANDREW Wait. I get one more question.
PIRATE CAPTAIN (Swallowing hard) Aye.
ANDREW Why are you dressed like that?
PIRATE CAPTAIN We be the embodiments of all Pirates who have ever existed or been imagined. *All* pirates. So, have you never heard of a Corporate Pirate?
A beat.
ANDREW (Trying not to laugh out loud.) Heh-(snork)-heh. Corporate- Hahahahaha!
PIRATE CAPTAIN (Quite angry. He runs his hook under Andrew's chin, causing the laughter to immediately stop.) One moment. I think there's something we need to... remove... before sending you on your way...
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. DAYTIME Xander, Willow, Dawn, Anya, Spike, Kennedy, and a lot of the nameless SiTs are sitting around the room, eating Gummi Bears. There is an *enormous* bag of them, about 1/6 eaten, sitting in the middle of the room.
DAWN (Her mouth full of Gummi Bears) Mmmm. These are so good. I can't remember the last time I had so many tasty gummis. Thanks, Xander.
XANDER (Grabbing another handful) Yeah. No biggee. I mean, the candy guy was practically giving them away. Plus, I figured everyone was feeling a little stressed, and nothing helps stress better than Gummi Bears.
WILOW Oh, yeah. Remember when we were studying for the SATs, and went through a whole bag Buffy brought while she was in the bathroom.
XANDER Oh, yeah. She came back, and was all like 'Where're the gummis?'
WILLOW Yeah, and you said 'What gummis', but your mouth was all full of 'em.
They both laugh heartily. A few of the SiTs chuckle politely, but most look like they're both nuts. Everyone takes some more Gummi Bears, and starts to eat, as the front door opens. Buffy enters, with Andrew in front of her. Andrew is wearing a shirt that is WAY too large for him, and a pair of bright electric pink sweatpants.
BUFFY ..and if you ever do something like that again, I'm... I'm... No TV for a month.
ANDREW Awww. But, but the Pirates were...
BUFFY I don't want to hear it. (To everyone in the room) Look who I just got from the Police Station. Apparently, sometime early this morning he broke into a candy store.
WILLOW What was he doing there?
ANDREW Well, these ghost Pirates were...
BUFFY Andrew! For some reason, he decided to take a naked dip in the fourty gallon drum of Gummi Bears.
A beat. Everyone's head slowly turn to face the large bag of Gummi Bears. A beat. Everyone, except Anya, starts to spit the gummis out as fast as they can, then start wiping out their mouths on their sleeves and whatnot. A few of the SiTs run out of the room, looking like they're going to vomit. Anya just shrugs and grabs another handful.
XANDER Anya! What're you doing?
ANYA Oh, please. It's not like you haven't eaten Gummi Bears that have been in strager places. Remember that one night, with the salad tongs and the barbeque sauce...
Xander turns several shades of red. Spike starts to laugh his heart out.
BUFFY Oh, that's it.
INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT A dark room. The front door opens, and Xander enters, followed by Spike and Andrew, who are both carrying small clothing bags.
XANDER (Sigh) Welcome to Casa de Harris.
ANDREW Thanks, roomie.
SPIKE Hey, you got any blood in your fridge, or do you need to head down to the butcher's shop?
XANDER (Shaking his head) I'm in hell.
FADE TO BLACK THE END
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INT. BASEMENT. NIGHT. A slightly cramped, damp brick basement. The room is dark, with the only light coming from a Boba Fett nightlight. A figure is huddled under some blankets on a cot against the wall. All is still for a moment, when the figure, in his sleep, raises one arm.
FIGURE (In his sleep) No. Stay back... I'm warning you... Don't come any closer...
The light is suddenly flicked on and the figure sits up. Or tries to, as he gets tangled up in the blankets for a moment. Finally, though, he manages to free his head revealing himself to be ANDREW, a moon-faced young man, about twenty years old.
ANDREW My burro! It's my burro! My...!
FROM ANDREW'S POV A tall black blur, which gradually focuses into SPIKE, a tall and thin bleached-blonde man, standing in the doorway. Spike is wearing black Levis and a plain black t-shirt, and is covered with rather a lot of crusty green ichor.
ANDREW (Sleepily confused) You're not my burro...
SPIKE ... Right.
ANDREW (Sniffing the air) You smell like a burro, though...
SPIKE Yeah, like you'd be a bundle of roses after fighting an Am'Lev Demon. Now go back to sleep, this'll only take a minute.
ANDREW ... 'Kay.
Andrew lays back down, as Spike walks over to a small bag on the floor, and starts to dig through it for some clothes.
ANDREW (In his sleep) Here, burro-burro... I've got some sugar for you.
Spike pulls out another pair of black Levis and black t-shirt, when XANDER, a tall, somewhat goofy-looking man, slams open the door. His hair is covered with shampoo, sticking straight up, and unevenly streaked with yellow.
XANDER Spike! What the hell is this?!?
SPIKE (Calmly) Well, it looks like.. (Finally looks up at Xander) Bloody Hell! What're you doing with my Blonde Highlights Shampoo?
XANDER Your sham-? W-! What-?! Why did you leave this out where anyone can use it?
SPIKE (Taking the bottle and holding it up to Xander's face) Well, I'd think the words "Spike's shampoo. Don't sodding use!" should have been your first clue.
XANDER I had soap in my eyes, and it was the only one that didn't smell of lavender.
SPIKE Well, if you hadn't been insistant on being first in the shower...
ANDREW (Sitting up, still wrapped in blankets) Will you please be quiet! My burro and I are trying to have a little *siesta*.
He plops back down and pulls the blanket over his head.
(Opening Title and Credits)
INT. BASEMENT. MID-MORNING Andrew is sitting by the washing machine, wearing a frilly pink lace bathrobe. He's reading the instruction manual out loud as it runs.
ANDREW Warning. Never mix your colors with your... (Turns the page) whites. That makes sense. Oh! *That's* why my shirt turned pink. (To washing machine in a "super-villany" voice) You will rue the day you tangled with Andrew. Oh, yes. You will rue. Rueing is, uh, what you will do.
His little rant is inturrupted by a snicker of amusement form near the doorway. DAWN, a sixteen-year-old girl with long brown hair, is standing in the doorway, trying to suppress a laugh.
ANDREW (Pulling the top of the bathrobe tight, then trying to fold his arms nonchalantly to keep it in place.) What, um, what are you laughing about?
DAWN Well, partly at your little argument with the washer about bleach.
ANDREW That-that wasn't an argument. It was just-just a discussion that got a little heated, okay?
DAWN But mainly at (snort) at whatever it is you're... ha-ha-ha ...you're wearing.
ANDREW Well, I have to wear *something* while my clothes are in the wash.
DAWN (Opening a small cupboard near the washer to reveal some blue-jeans and shirts) Well, why didn't you wear some of the guy stuff Xander leaves here?
ANDREW You mean, dress like Xander?
He cocks his head to the side, and a small glint appears in his eye.
EXT. GRAVEYARD. NIGHT. BUFFY, a petite blonde girl dressed in a leather costume and breastplateis, is busy fighting with three vampires. She does a kick to the closest one's chest, knocking him back about fifty feet, then throws a wooden stake without looking. It slams right into his heart, turning him to dust. About thrity feet away the other two vamps are closing in on WILLOW, a redhaired girl dressed in a black robe and pointy witch's hat, who's lying on the ground.
WILLOW (Throwing the back of her hand up to her forehead) Oh, no! My witchy powers have failed for no apparent reason, leaving me helpless before these two vam-PYREs!
Buffy crouches down, then jumps, Xena-like, into the air.
BUFFY Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!!!
She lands right in between the two vamps, standing over Willow, and proceeds to thrust a stake into both vamps at the same time, one with each hand. As the vamps turn to dust, she kneels down, and take's Willow's hand.
WILLOW Thanks, Buffy! You're my best friend.
BUFFY And you're my best friend.
WILLOW Oh, no! Look out!
An extra-large vamp suddenly appears behind Buffy, arms outstretched like Frankenstein's. Before it can do anything, however, it explodes into dust revealing... Andrew, dressed up like Xander.
BUFFY and WILLOW Yay, Xander! You saved us yet again!
ANDREW Oh, pshaw. It was all in a night's work, eh girls?
VOICE What the hell is this all about?
Everyone looks to see the real Xander, dressed in a Hawaiin shirt and Bermuda shorts, standing behind them.
XANDER (Ponting at Andrew) You are SO going down for that.
He jumps up and hovers in the air, about ten feet up. A blue glow surrounds him, and his hair turns bright yellow and stands straight up.
XANDER Ka-me-ha-me-hah!
He outstretches his arms, and a blast of energy fires down at Andrew. Just before it reaches him-
SMASH CUT TO INT. BASEMENT. Andrew jumps to his feet.
ANDREW Oh my god. Xander is a Super-Sayen! Just like Son Goku! He has come to earth to save us from the alien legions who want to destroy us all and sell off our natural resources!
He runs out the door, right past Dawn, who is standing there with a confused look on her face. We hear his footsteps as he pounds up the stairs, the door opening, a burst of laughter, a girlish shreik, and footsteps coming down the stairs. Andrew, his face bright red, walks quickly over to his chair, and sits back down.
ANDREW I think I'll wiat until my clothes are dry.
EXT. STREET. MORNING An extremely bright day is beginning. Not a cloud in the sky, and the parts of the street in direct sunlight are hard to look at without squinting. Xander, wearing his Construction Foreman clothes and carrying his hard-hat at his side, is doing just that as he walks past an alleyway between two brick buildings. He stops in front of the next building, which has a sign stating:
Sunnydale Art Gallery is Currently Under Construction. Thank You for Your Patience During Our Renovations
XANDER Gotta love that Hellmouth double-speak. "Don't miind us, we're just cleaning up after some demons who got loaded on Yak urine."
He enters the building. A beat, and Andrew pokes his head out from the alleyway two buildings down. He's dressed all in black. Black turtleneck, black pants, black gloves, black beanie cap. He even has some black paint streaked uder both his eyes. Which means that he sticks out like a sore thumb as he slides around the corner, and tiptoes down down the sidewalk. Everytime a car drives past he flattens out against the wall, his back to the street, and tries to act invisible. Finally, when he's only a few feet from the far edge of the building, a cop car slowly starts to drive past. The two officers inside are staring hard at Andrew.
CUT TO ECU. ANDREW'S FACE. A few trickles of sweat are starting down his cheeks as his face is smooshed against the bricks.
ANDREW (Muttering under his breath) Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.
RETURN TO EXT. STREET. MORNING The two cops are laughing, rather hard, as Andrew tries to become one with the wall. After a few moments they calm down and drive off. Andrew, about ten seconds later, finally moves around the corner.
EXT. ALLEYWAY. MORNING The alley is rather cool and secluded. A large metal dumpster keeps anyone from the street from seeing Andrew. He stares up at an air vent grating, about two feet above his head.
ANDREW Hmmm. What would Captain Janeway do in a situation like this?
INT. STARSHIP "VOYAGER" CORRIDOR
Andrew, in a Star Trek jumpsuit and pointy Vulcan ears, is standing at attention. A number of Slayers in Training, dressed in similiar jumpsuits, are lined up next to him. Buffy, dressed as the ship's Captain Janeway, complete with her hair in an uptight-looking bun, is pacing back and forth in front of him.
BUFFY/JANEWAY I know we've faced many dangers in our time together. But we've overcome many trials through our determination and inventiveness. And, even though there are companions we've lost along the way...
FLASH TO TARA, a statuesque blond witch dressed up like the pixie-ish ST:V character Kes.
BUFFY/JANEWAY ...we've also met new and exciting beings as well.
FLASH TO An Uber-Vamp, dressed in a silver skin-tight jumpsuit, a la Seven-of-Nine.
BUFFY/JANEWAY And I know that, while it won't be easy, we will do what it takes to prevail. And, in the end, we will win. Somehow. Isn't that right, Chakotay?
Spike, wearing the First Officer's uniform (sans top), and a spiderweb-like tatoo on the upper-right portion of his face, enters the scene.
SPIKE/CHAKOTAY Too bloody right, we will. 'Cause we're dangerous beasts, out on the prowl. (Turns to Andrew) Isn't that right, matey?
SFX: DISSOLVE BETWEEN Andrew's face in the Star Trek setting to Andrew's face in:
INT. HEATING DUCTS Andrew is still dressed all in black, but he's now wearing rather cheap- looking Vulcan ears, and is covered with quite a bit of dust. He's in a metal heating duct, barely large enough for him to fit in.
ANDREW "Matey"?
VOICE (OS) Arr. Right, matey. That be the treasure we're after.
Andrew looks around, then realizes the voice is coming from the vent right underneath him. He peers through it at:
INT. ART GALLERY'S MAIN DISPLAY ROOM. DAY. A very large and spacious room, with a number of sculptures and paintings losely scattered about. All of which are covered by tarps, and surrounded by securely stored remodeller's gear (ie: ladders, paint cans, tools, etc.) While a little light is entering through the skylight up above, most of the room's light is coming from the large green tear in space, from which five Pirates have emerged.
FIRST PIRATE Be ye sure this be the correct booty?
SECOND PIRATE Aye. As sure as I can be of anything in the forsaken Hellhole.
FIRST PIRATE Arr. That be Hell-mouth. And don't ye be fergettin' it.
SECOND PIRATE Aye.
FIRST PIRATE Arr.
SECOND PIRATE Arr,
FIRST PIRATE Aye.
Pause
FIRST PIRATE Alright, ye scallywags. Get yer selves t' haulin' this here booty back aboard ship, a'fore I start layin' my cutlass agin' yer backsides!
The Second Pirate, along with the Third, Fourth, and Fifth Pirates, grab ahold of the shroud-covered statue and start to slowly carry it back towards the green tear. But, before they get very far...
ANDREW Hey, you! You, uh, scurvy dogs! Put that 'booty' down.
FIRST PIRATE (Looking all around, but unable to find who's speaking) Arr... Arr... Arr? Where be ye? Who be ye?
ANDREW Well, actually it's "Whom be ye?", if you want to get technical. And, um, I mean... I'm the Ghost of Long John... Blackbeard, uh, Pegleg... Patcheye Hook..?
The Pirates all look fearful.
THIRD PIRATE (Genuinely frightened) Not Long John Blackbeard Pegleg Patcheye Hook!
ANDREW Uh, sure.
A beat, and then the Third, Fourth, and Fifth Pirates drop the statue, and make a beeline for the tear in space.
THIRD, FOURTH, and FIFTH PIRATES Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!
The First Pirate grabs the Fourth Pirated as he runs past, and backhands his face hard. One of the Fourth Pirate's ornate earings goes flying across the room, twinkling as it goes, landing at the base of a distinctive statue.
FIRST PIRATE Hold yer ground, ye landlubbin' scalliwags!!
The other two Pirates come to a (reluctant) halt in front of the tear.
FIRST PIRATE (Suspiciously) If ye really be (gulp) Him, then how be it yer ghost haunts these parts?
ANDREW (Getting into it) Don't question me! For I'm am All-=Powerful! All-Knowing! All- um, All- You-Can-Eat!
THIRD PIRATE Arr?
ANDREW Uh, I mean...
XANDER (From OS) Hello? Is someone in there? Is some-THING in there?
FIRST PIRATE Arr! Back through th' Gate, Mateys!
The five Pirates immediately dash back through the green tear, which disappears just before Xander enters. He's wearing his hard hat, and carrying a flashlight in one hand and a nail-gun in the other.
XANDER You know, I *really* don't want to get involved with any drunken demon types right now. So, if you just wait until after we've left for the day before smashing stuf-
ANDREW Xander!
Xander jumps, firing off the nail-gun into a nearby painting. A beat.
XANDER Whoever you are, you are *so* paying for... Andrew?
He shines the flashlight up, revealing Andrew's face pressed up against a grate. He gives a small grin and a half-wave.
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. DAY.
Xander bursts through the front door, pushing Andrew in front of him. He has Andrew's arm twisted up behind him.
XANDER Anyone missing a little blonde annoyance?
Buffy, in the middle of a diatribe towards some scared-looking SiTs, looks towards them, her eys going wide upon seeing Andrew.
BUFFY Wha-?
Willow enters from the kitchen. Upon seeing Andrew being forced in, she calls back into the kitchen.
WILLOW Hey, ..you. Uh, Francesca. Check the Chore Wheel for who's on "Andrew Duty".
FRANCESCA (From OS) It is Dawnita's turn.
BUFFY I knew it. (Calls upstairs) Dawn!
Dawn rushes downstairs, talking nonstop.
DAWN What? Is there some sort of new problem? Does this mean I don't have to finish my Social Studies Report. 'Cause if the world's gonna go poof tonight, I'd really rather not... (She looks up and sees Xander, who's still got Andrew's arm twisted up. Everyone is glaring at her.) Ummm. Is something wrong?
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. EARLY AFTERNOON
We see Buffy, standing over Andrew, who is now tied back up in his chair.
BUFFY (In her bright and happy voice) This too tight for you?
ANDREW No. It's kinda comfy. Almost like coming- (She yanks on one of the straps, pulling it a lot tighter. Andrew's voice goes up an octave, into a kind of yelp.) -home!
BUFFY Good. Now, Dawn, we're going to be doing sweeps in the graveyard on Peyton.
DAWN (Sitting petulantly on the couch.) Fine.
BUFFY Finish your homework before talking with your friends.
DAWN Fine.
BUFFY And don't let our little hos-
Andrew clears his throat.
BUFFY (Sigh) Our little... guestage, here, loose. Xander'll be by a little later to check in on you.
DAWN Fine.
Buffy shakes her head and exits the front door, joining a large group of SiTs waiting outside. A few seconds after they leave, Dawn walks over to Andrew.
DAWN I thought we had an agreement. You don't try to escape or anything while it's my turn to guard you, and I don't tell anyone you cry during those old coffee commercials.
ANDREW But they're so romantic. And the guy looks just like Mr. Gi-
DAWN I know. You've told me like a thousand times. Now just sit there quietly while I go work on my stupid report.
ANDREW Uh, before you go, could you loosen one of my arms. I kinda have an itch I that's reallllly bugging me.
DAWN *I'll* scratch it for you. Is it your nose or...
ANDREW It's kinda down, uh...
He gestures downwards with his head for a moment before Dawn gets it.
DAWN Oh. (A beat) Oh! (A beat) Eeewwww...
She lets one of his arms free, and looks at him expactantly.
DAWN Well? Aren't you going to scratch the itch?
ANDREW I can't do it in front of people. That's impolite.
DAWN Fine. Whatever.
She heads up stairs. As soon as she's out of sight, Andrew looks around. Well, as far as his restraints will let him.
INT. HOLLOWED OUT VOLCANO LAIR Andrew, dressed up like James Bond, is strapped to a medical table. A laser is poised right above him. WARREN, wearing a bald-cap and an all- white suit, and stroking a little white cat, stands above him.
WARRENFINGER Well, Mr. Bond. Are you ready to die?
ANDREW BOND Do you expect me to talk, Warrenfinger?
Warrenfinger looks confused for a moment.
WARRENFINGER No, I kinda expect you to die. Which is why I asked, "Are you ready to die?"
ANDREW BOND Oh. Well then I guess I am.
WARRENFINGER Okay. (A few moments of uncomfortable silence) Well, I'll leave you to it, then. Bye.
He walks off. A beat.
ANDREW BOND Luckily Warrenfinger has foolishly left me one arm free. A little wristwatch laser action to the control panel... and...
He aims his watch-laser off-screen and fires. A clank as if from a large pot, a higher-pitched clink, and finally a cat yowling in pain.
WARRENFINGER (From OS) Mr. Fluffykins! Noooooo!!!!!!
ANDREW BOND Ooops. Let's try this... (He leans a little too far and the table starts to tip over.) Ahhhh...
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM Andrew's chair is balanced on two side legs.
ANDREW Oh, no.
He falls over, out of the frame. A beat.
ANDREW ...ooowwww. I fell on my keys again.
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. EVENING
The same shot, with Andrew's chair still on the floor. A faint bass beat is coming from upstairs.
ANDREW ... You take one down, you pass it around. Two bottles of Dr. Pepper on the ground. One bottle of...
The front door opens, and Xander enters.
XANDER Hey, Dawnster, I got some takeout for ya. And Andrew, I got you the latest "Capeman"... (Spots Andrew on the floor.) Tch, tch. How many times have we told Dawn, always clean up the geeks after they get spilled. Leaving them only stains the carpet. (Calls upstairs) Dawn! Dawn!
ANDREW It's no use. She, uh, she's playing her stereo at full volume again. Even though I told her that her speakers aren't really designed to handle... (Xander lifts the chair back into an upright position.) ...that much, uh, noisage. Thank you.
XANDER So, what was that knocked you over. More "Pirates for Outer Space"? Or was it Killer Clowns this time?
ANDREW Listen, if you'd just go back to the museum, uh, place I can prove there were pirates. One of them dropped some gold. Possibly a dubloon. I mean, what could it hurt to go look?
XANDER Knowing my luck, probably a lot.
INT. ART GALLERY'S MAIN DISPLAY ROOM. NIGHT
Xander and Andrew are shining flashlights around the room, looking for the peice of gold.
ANDREW (Placing the flashlight under his chin) Hey, Xander.
XANDER (Turning to face Andrew) What.
ANDREW (In a cheesy accent) Blah, blah. I'm Dracula. I vant to suck your blood.
XANDER Not funny.
ANDREW (Lowering the flashlight) Ah, c'mon. Don't you ever watch those old Bela Lugosi films and laugh at how wrong they got all the monster stuff? I mean, thinking there's a real Dracula out there. Ha-ha-ha.
XANDER There is a real Dracula. Buffy dusted him.
ANDREW Whoa. That's so... so.. nifty. Hey, have you ever met Frankenstein?
XANDER Okay, this is just stupid. There's nothing here. You want to look around some more, go right ahead. I'm heading back to Buffy's.
ANDREW But I know it's here.
XANDER Give my regards to the Turok Han, then.
He exits, leaving Andrew alone in what appears to be a *very* dark room.
ANDREW I'm not afraid. I'm not...
His flashlight abruptly goes out, and he lets out a girlish shriek.
ANDREW (Thumping the flashlight as hard and fast as he can, while speaking very fast) I'mnotafraidI'mnotafraidI'mnotafraidI'm-
The flashlight comes back on, pointing right at the base of the distinctive statue the gold earring landed in front of. But the earring is gone.
ANDREW Hey, that's where it... Wait a minute. Where'd it go?
A Large Pirate suddenly steps out of the darkness behind Andrew, placing his dagger at Andrew's neck, and his other hand over his mouth.
LARGE PIRATE Right over here. Matey.
Andrew drops the flashlight, which goes out. The darkness is now broken by a greenish glow coming from off-screen. We hear the Large Pirate dragging Andrew away, the sounds abruptly stop, and the light goes out.
EXT. FLYING DUTCHMAN A large pirate ship, perfectly normal. It looks a little similiar to Captain Hook's from the movie "Hook". Painted on the side, in ornate letters, is the name "The Flying Dutchman". The figurehead at the front of the ship looks suspiciously like Anya. There are three masts, a poop deck, a number of typically dressed Pirates working on the decks. The only thing abnormal about it is that it seems to be sailing in mid-air, under a dusty, blood-red sky. The crew takes no notice of this. Andrew, who is tied to the main mast, is staring around at it all.
ANDREW So, what do pirates do for fun? Do you get, like, television onboard? Or even HBO? Have you ever been on Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland?
This seems to have been going on for a while. The pirates ignore him, but they are getting seriously annoyed.
ANDREW So, when do I get to meet your Pirate Captain? Is he a vampyre? Are you Ghost Pirates? Do you prefer Pirates or Buccanears?
PIRATE CAPTAIN Enough!!!
The PIRATE CAPTAIN, an immense black man dressed in a charcoal-grey three piece suit, emerges from the Captain's Quarters. One of his eyes is covered by a black velvet patch, and his left hand is a double-pronged hook. He speaks with just a hint of a New Orleans patois in his cultured voice.
PIRATE CAPTAIN I have had just about enough of your prattling. You may ask, hmmm, five questions of me, before we make you walk the plank.
ANDREW Aren't three questions more customery?
PIRATE CAPTAIN Yes. But I'm feeling generous since our raid was a success. Four questions.
ANDREW Oh, uh, what were you stealing from Sunnydale?
PIRATE CAPTAIN An ancient talisman of the Buccanear lifestyle.
He gestures at a large piece of stone near the front of the ship. It's obviously the statue the Pirates were trying to steal earlier.
ANDREW (Staring at the stone object.) Is- is that a barbeque?
PIRATE CAPTAIN Well, yes. Buccanears are named after a traditional way of preparing meat for long voyages by soaking it in a spiced wine, then broiling it. This is the totemic emblem of that process. It grants great powers unto those, quote/unquote, "Pirates" who eat meals prepared upon it. Two questions left.
ANDREW Could I be your cabin boy?
PIRATE CAPTAIN (Taken aback) Our.. Cabin Boy..?
ANDREW Yeah. It'd be great.
PIRATE CAPTAIN Hmmm....
CUT TO: EXT. PIRATE SHIP The same ship, except that Andrew is now free, and dressed in a gaudy Pirate Costume. All f them are dancing.
ANDREW & PIRATES (Singing) I like to sing sing and dance. I like to sing and dance. I want to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance. Wear me silver-buckled slippers and my tight, shiny pants! I want to sing and daaaaance!
CUT BACK TO: EXT. FLYING DUTCHMAN Andrew is still tied to the mast. The Pirate Captain looks like he's about to become seasick.
PIRATE CAPTAIN Urk. Quickly, toss him through the Gate. Bleargh.
FIRST MATE Captain, I though ye wanted to keelhall him, nice and slow.
PIRATE CAPTAIN Oh, no. I'm not taking the chance that *his* ghost will end up haunting this ship. Throe him back through to the Hellmouth, and may some god have mercy on the souls of whosoever he ends up with.
A number of pirates untie Andrew, and drag him towards an arcane, and vaguely French-looking, drawing on the deck of the ship. One of the pirates speaks a few words, and the green tear in space opens up. But, before they thorw him through..
ANDREW Wait. I get one more question.
PIRATE CAPTAIN (Swallowing hard) Aye.
ANDREW Why are you dressed like that?
PIRATE CAPTAIN We be the embodiments of all Pirates who have ever existed or been imagined. *All* pirates. So, have you never heard of a Corporate Pirate?
A beat.
ANDREW (Trying not to laugh out loud.) Heh-(snork)-heh. Corporate- Hahahahaha!
PIRATE CAPTAIN (Quite angry. He runs his hook under Andrew's chin, causing the laughter to immediately stop.) One moment. I think there's something we need to... remove... before sending you on your way...
INT. BUFFY'S FRONT ROOM. DAYTIME Xander, Willow, Dawn, Anya, Spike, Kennedy, and a lot of the nameless SiTs are sitting around the room, eating Gummi Bears. There is an *enormous* bag of them, about 1/6 eaten, sitting in the middle of the room.
DAWN (Her mouth full of Gummi Bears) Mmmm. These are so good. I can't remember the last time I had so many tasty gummis. Thanks, Xander.
XANDER (Grabbing another handful) Yeah. No biggee. I mean, the candy guy was practically giving them away. Plus, I figured everyone was feeling a little stressed, and nothing helps stress better than Gummi Bears.
WILOW Oh, yeah. Remember when we were studying for the SATs, and went through a whole bag Buffy brought while she was in the bathroom.
XANDER Oh, yeah. She came back, and was all like 'Where're the gummis?'
WILLOW Yeah, and you said 'What gummis', but your mouth was all full of 'em.
They both laugh heartily. A few of the SiTs chuckle politely, but most look like they're both nuts. Everyone takes some more Gummi Bears, and starts to eat, as the front door opens. Buffy enters, with Andrew in front of her. Andrew is wearing a shirt that is WAY too large for him, and a pair of bright electric pink sweatpants.
BUFFY ..and if you ever do something like that again, I'm... I'm... No TV for a month.
ANDREW Awww. But, but the Pirates were...
BUFFY I don't want to hear it. (To everyone in the room) Look who I just got from the Police Station. Apparently, sometime early this morning he broke into a candy store.
WILLOW What was he doing there?
ANDREW Well, these ghost Pirates were...
BUFFY Andrew! For some reason, he decided to take a naked dip in the fourty gallon drum of Gummi Bears.
A beat. Everyone's head slowly turn to face the large bag of Gummi Bears. A beat. Everyone, except Anya, starts to spit the gummis out as fast as they can, then start wiping out their mouths on their sleeves and whatnot. A few of the SiTs run out of the room, looking like they're going to vomit. Anya just shrugs and grabs another handful.
XANDER Anya! What're you doing?
ANYA Oh, please. It's not like you haven't eaten Gummi Bears that have been in strager places. Remember that one night, with the salad tongs and the barbeque sauce...
Xander turns several shades of red. Spike starts to laugh his heart out.
BUFFY Oh, that's it.
INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT A dark room. The front door opens, and Xander enters, followed by Spike and Andrew, who are both carrying small clothing bags.
XANDER (Sigh) Welcome to Casa de Harris.
ANDREW Thanks, roomie.
SPIKE Hey, you got any blood in your fridge, or do you need to head down to the butcher's shop?
XANDER (Shaking his head) I'm in hell.
FADE TO BLACK THE END