Mario Didn't Fart, by Dickfart
"Oh, that's a spicy meatball," said Mario, savoring his big meal. That is to say, patting his gluttonous gut, because he already ate it.
The meal had pasta, sauce, cheese, and even cabbage, so of course any reasonable human would expect the Fartpocalypse to explode from his ass at any time. No such farts came, though. Mario waited for hours, had prepped his hemorrhoids with Prep H and everything, and even drank an entire six pack of extra fizzy beer, but try as he might not a single fart came out.
This was deeply disturbing to Mario, the world champion of farts, so he tried all of the obvious things to get his rectal muscles in the mood: laxatives, crowded elevators, church, a movie with Peach, an entire gallon of milk, a board meeting, a government committee, jury duty, a high school midterm, an SAT, a bus, a train, an airplane, antibiotics, medication, meditation, modeling, ballet, yoga, palates, crunches, being punched in the stomach, and even diet coke, but NOTHING WORKED.
Soon his stomach became so inflated that, one day, while engaged in battle with Gay Bowser, he simply floated away.
"What's the meaning of this?!" Gay Bowser growled.
"I can't fart!" said Mario, crying in agony. "Oh, how much I need to a fart. The air won't stop a building up."
"Don't worry, I'll get you down," said Gay Bowser, aiming his big, gay missile at Mario.
But Gay Bowser's big, gay missile missed its target because he was woefully out of practice, and Mario floated away until the air inside of him expanded so much that he popped and died.
The End