Losing Something You Never Had Shouldn't Hurt (Not Like This)
Author: lore_liee
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Erik Lensherr/Charles Xavier (XMen First Class)
Word Count: 1356
Summary: Every night, Charles Xavier shoulders the pain and fears of the dreams of his fellow mutants. The dreams of Erik Lensherr just cause him his own distress. (Companion Piece to The Oncoming Storm)
A/N: This is a companion piece to the Oncoming Storm (Heartbreak is Brewing) but I don't believe you need to read them both to understand it (it would be lovely if you did, but I'm not forcing you!). I'm still in a rather down mood and so, some Charles angst to fill the void. It's quite calming to write actually. I don't know how many of you have read other things I've written but sleep is becoming a running theme. There's another story I haven't yet published that is ALSO about sleep. I need to make these two boys happy when they are awake because otherwise, I'm going to get stuck in a rut.
I would LOVE to thank, again, the people who reviewed the Oncoming Storm (HIB) because they almost forced me into writing this (unknowingly, I hope they know) - it's for you, lovelies. :D
This is literally the most insane monster of rubbish I have ever written.. just.. I'd ignore me sometimes you know.
This is PWP in it's purest form. Dangerous life I lead. I just hope it makes sense! (by this I do mean, this story has legitimately no plot. Smut isn't here, obviously but neither is the plot. It is possible to avoid both.)
As always, if you don't like this, don't read it. I don't appreciate flaming in any shape or form. I do however welcome any constructive criticism, or positive comments. If this isn't your cup of tea, turn away now and go and watch something else, make a coffee, read a different story – don't hurt me. I write this for the pleasure of others, not for the pain of myself.
PS. I adore favourites, reviews... like any writer. It's nice to hear what you think. However, I know from myself that I hold you under no obligation to leave them. Do what you prefer and I will be happy regardless. Just knowing you are reading it is a nice enough feeling.
Living in a house filled with teenagers, Charles finds, means that there are more than enough inappropriate thoughts and dreams flying around. Most nights, he is fearful of what he will find, but more often than not there are dreams that are painful for Charles to watch. He knows in his heart that he shouldn't watch anyway, he should just leave them alone to dream in peace, but when the dreams are of men fighting mutants, of men destroying these wonderful people then Charles slowly enters their mind, a blanket of warmth and comfort reminding them that they are never alone. He does it nightly and never lets the students know. They just think it's their subconscious.
If Charles can lessen their pain, he will do so willingly. He will shoulder their fears and allow them to live in ignorant bliss while they still can.
He does it for them all. Including the most broken, Erik Lensherr. But with Erik, he is always destined to fail.
He watches from afar as Erik dreams of broken bodies lying in mud, of guns being fired as the number three is called, of a thin female lying dead on a floor as the room sings around her, of a bullet hole devoid of blood. Charles sits in his room and cries for Erik's pain, unable to fix him because he doesn't know where to start.
After a point, the nightmare start featuring Charles and these are more confusing, more colourful and more terrifying. The method is always different but the outcome is always the same. He can feel the depth and strength of Erik's agony at these sights and he cries afresh at this.
Charles has always known who Erik is, his everything, past, present and future. The knowledge is constantly beating in the background of their conversations, keeping them apart as much as it binds them together. It makes Erik wildly fascinating to Charles but he is still fearful. Fearful that one day, Erik will explode and that latent power buried within him is unleashed. Charles has seen it happen in the thread of Erik's memories and is always on edge that something will occur that makes it happen again.
Yet, he has been fooling himself into thinking that maybe, just maybe he has managed to tame the beast within Erik, at least to some degree. He is aware that Erik's power is great, greater than his own and infinitely more dangerous but he hopes beyond hope that Erik remains forever in control and heeds Charles' words: true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity.
He thinks again about the nightmares, over and over. He sees then the influence they have on each other and the affection that hums, unnoticed, between their bodies. It is requited but painful, intense, stupid.
Every touch has had a purpose, for comfort, for closeness, for friendship but for Charles, they were weighted with adoration and companionship, in some form, in any form. How could he not adore this man? Erik is strong, not only physically, but mentally. Everything he does is with purpose and he follows his life through until the end. He lives in the moment and controls his own destiny, something it appears was always denied to him. He is passionate in his endeavours and although Charles and he disagree, Charles cannot fault his commitment. Importantly, so very important, he is powerful.
To find then that Erik cares with even a tenth of this power floors Charles. It fills him to the brim with love and desire. He lusts and wants and cares and feels so many emotions he knows he shouldn't be feeling but he can't help it. He doesn't ever want to stop feeling this way. He never knew he needed it - his previous flirtations were idle and fleeting, driven by booze and fantastical lines - until someone offers it to him.
He makes promises to let Erik in properly. He swears to some god he doesn't believe in that Erik need not worry - they will be together and it will be okay (you're not alone rings in his ears, increasing in volume every second he thinks of Erik). He vows to prove to Erik that he won't be hurt. He's not infallible, he's not invincible but he's clever and he's capable. That should be enough to allay Erik's fears. Charles' words should always be enough.
He knows that they never will be. That experience, life, pain have taught Erik that things he own undoubtedly end up damaged. Charles just wishes that they could have an ounce of the happiness he knows that they are worthy of, that they would undeniably have before the fall. These thoughts (smiling, laughing, kissing, love, touching, holding, smelling, appreciating, thrusting (and a pleasure like he has never known) watching, teaching children and students, talk of forever and eternity (legal or not), chess, whiskey, dancing) flash before his eyes and his heart aches with the monumental feeling of it all. He wants everything, he needs everything but underneath it all, he longs for Erik. His body feels like it's screaming with it. His mind is filled to the brim with emotion and he has to cling to the edges of it all to avoid him projecting it outwards. He cries and screams, he gasps and chokes alone in his bed, desperate to comfort, to be comforted.
A future he never knew he wanted he loses out of fear - his own, Erik's, it doesn't matter. In the space of a night of dreams and nightmares, their future vanishes in a fit of gasping, death, tears and fitful sleeping.
Charles wakes after every nightmare in which he features feeling worse than when he went to sleep. He checks everyone again, dutifully and still cannot fix Erik. He can shoulder everyone's pain willingly, but Erik's fears and terrors have manifested into Charles' own nightmares. He mourns the loss of something he never had. He wishes over and over that maybe they could just try.
Even now as he thinks of him (which always becomes them to Charles) his stomach feels like he has released teams of butterflies, his heart beats treble speed and then vanishes completely, leaving him lightheaded and sore all over. He wonders if this is what heartbreak feels like. Like you can't wait to be near the person (because you are not yet aware of the reality of the end) but you know that you hurt just by sharing the same air. Like you want to be so very close to them to make sure that they aren't as broken as you (you still care after all) but you want to cause them agony for your endless ache. Like your heart is both there and desperate to leap out of your chest for them, but like it's battered and it's bruised and it doesn't work quite right.
The morning after every nightmare Charles Xavier wakes up, a little bit more damaged (you know what they say about eavesdroppers) and he promises that he will go and prove to Erik that nothing will happen to them together. He will show Erik all the daydreams he has had and show how beautiful they could be together.
Every time they play chess, Charles' heart expands hopefully and constricts so very painfully when he catches Erik glimpse up at him, a faraway look of loss in his eyes. Charles knows he's seeing the nightmares and seeing him broken in various ways, by various means in various locations. He always clears his throat at this to remind Erik that Charles isn't dead yet, not yet (maybe never).
Charles decides every night that breaking his own heart to avoid seeing that look come too close to the surface is a small price to pay. He can cope with the agony, the lost future, the nightmares but he doesn't want to damage Erik any more than he is. If being apart keeps Charles whole and keeps Erik placated and alright, he will do that.
He will always cope alone because he loves him just too much.
~FIN.