Of Letting Go

by imaginaryenema

"Demon or not, I still think you're a freak." Missing scene. Set during the events of Family.

"Are you happy now?"

Tara beamed at her, big and bright and toothy, the way she'd never been permitted to at home, and left her answer at that. "Happy" didn't begin to describe how she felt. The word "free" might have summed it up a little better, but it still didn't quite fit.

Beth scoffed and turned on her heels to leave, but not before she snarled out a final jab over her shoulder. "Demon or not, I still think you're a freak."

Despite the rush of love and pride she'd felt just a few seconds earlier, Beth's comment tore through her heart. Tara's smile shrunk until it morphed into a grimace, and then she hung her head to hide the anguish in a few stray locks of hair that had fallen from her bun.

Just as she considered that perhaps she should have gone along with her family, that the people standing behind her couldn't want someone so weak and pliable as her, a warm hand grasped her forearm and squeezed. Sparks of power surged through her veins at the contact, and the relief was clear on her face.

Willow.

"Tara told you to go," she said it calmly, but her resolve face was on, and Tara couldn't help but smile again. "Don't make me sic our Slayer on you."

Beth rolled her eyes and whirled back to the exit without another word. The bell on the door jingled as it opened and closed, and then Tara's family was gone, forever, never to bother her again.

Well, she hoped so, anyway.

Tara released the breath she'd been holding, and her head filled with static and a whole mess of air that had her feeling lightheaded and dizzy. Her knees trembled like molded Jell-o, and the weakness forced her to sway unsteadily on feet that didn't feel true and real anymore. Just as she thought she might tumble backward, a pair of soft hands clutched her wrists to steady her. Tara looked up cautiously, just like that fateful day in the Wicca group, uncertain of what she might find in the expected pair of green eyes gazing back at her.

"Are you okay?" Willow asked, stepping closer so she could hold Tara by her shoulders.

Tara thought about saying "yes" and forcing the end of the scene taking place in the Magic Box, because the eyes of the rest of the Scoobies were glued to both of them, and the thought of so much attention directed her way made her cheeks flush. She met Willow's eyes, which still brimmed with tears, and her bottom lip quivered at the fear that lingered in her girlfriend's creased brow.

Tara sniffed and shook her head. "N-no."

Willow tugged her into a hug, squeezing almost too tight, but Tara couldn't find the strength to complain. All she'd wanted the whole time her family threatened her semi-perfect life was her Willow, after all, and she had her. Fair and square. Tara's head dipped to rest on her girlfriend's waiting shoulder, and she gritted her teeth to keep the approaching army of tears at bay.

Her hold on Willow's shirt tightened, as if the girl might float away if she let go. For all Tara knew, Willow might. This entire situation, with people standing up for her for the first time in her life, and especially the way her brother had shrunk to nothing after one snide remark from Xander, was unreal. None of it made any sense. They should have kicked her to the curb after the mess she'd made of the shop with her stupid spell. And, more importantly, after she nearly got them all killed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered into the nape of Willow's neck, sniffling back tears to keep them from puddling on her girlfriend's shoulder. She'd lost the initial battle against them, sure, but she refused to lose the war. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't say that," Willow said, her voice velvety and soft, "It's fine."

Tara shook her head and jerked away, wiping her eyes with her inner wrist. "I almost… m-my spell… it could have…"

"But it didn't," said a new voice, one that didn't belong to the red-head pulling Tara deeper into her embrace. Buffy, Tara realized, it was Buffy.

She inched out of Willow's arms to spin around and stare at her directly, or as directly as Tara could manage at the moment. Her gaze kept skittering to the floor, like she thought holding eye contact with the slayer for too long might trigger her wrath. Buffy didn't look as angry as she had just a few short minutes ago when Tara half-expected to be sent home with her family. Now, Buffy simply looked tired, and maybe even a little worried.

"Do you two need some, I don't know, time?" Buffy asked, her blue eyes soft with compassion.

Willow must have nodded to Buffy from behind her, because after she gave Tara a light squeeze on her shoulder and a sweet smile, Buffy turned around to grab Dawn and wave for the rest of the gang to follow. Even Spike tagged along after everyone like a lost puppy, even though he looked a little peeved at being somehow lumped in with the rest of the Scoobies.

Anya muttered something on her way into the training room. It sounded like some protest at being shoved away from her cash register, but it was muffled by a groan from both Xander and Buffy, so Tara couldn't be sure. Once the gang disappeared, she hunched her shoulders and turned back to Willow, sighing noisily.

"They didn't have to go," Tara whispered, hugging her stomach, "W-we could have… I should have… been the one to… to go."

Willow closed the gap between them and shook her head. "They'll be fine. Spike and Buffy's bickering will keep everyone entertained, I'm sure."

"Oh, god, Buffy…" Tara winced and sniffled, biting back tears. It all rushed back in an instant, and Tara wanted nothing more than to bolt out the front door and never face Willow's friends again. After what she'd done, how could she? "I need to apologize. I… I need to tell her. I didn't mean to… to get anyone hurt."

"She knows that." Willow went to grab for Tara's hand.

"How?" Tara asked, jerking away from Willow's outstretched hand, "I could have gotten everyone killed, Will. You, and… and, oh, poor Dawnie." The whimpers tore from Tara's throat then, pained and strangled by grief, "They were right about me. They've… they've always been right. My dad and… and I should have gone. I shouldn't even be here right now. I don't…" Tara trailed off, shaking her head at the linoleum.

Willow refused to let it go. She urged Tara on, grasping her girlfriend's arms once again to pull her in for a hug. "What, baby? 'You don't' what?"

"I don't deserve you," Tara admitted, then turned her head to frown at the training room door, "I… I don't deserve any of you.

"So… what?" Willow stared at her incredulously, nodding to the front door. "You deserve them? You think you belong in someone's kitchen for the rest of your life?"

Tara nodded, unable to bring herself to say something so vile aloud. Her mother would have been disappointed with her, but her mother had been a saint, even with their supposed demonic heritage. Tara wasn't sure where she fit anymore, now that her demon had been proved a myth, but it still didn't feel like anything close to sainthood. Maybe she didn't belong on the side of good at all. She whimpered and exhaled a sob, and Willow pulled her closer.

"You deserve so much better than them," Willow said, reaching up to brush a few tears from Tara's cheeks, "You're my beautiful, smart, non-demon girlfriend, who really needs to work on her feminism, and I love you."

The comments made her chest hurt and the swirling in her head worsen. Tara wasn't sure whether to burst into song at the swelling in her heart, or curl into herself and drop to the floor in protest. Willow said mushy stuff like that all the time, and Tara usually nodded her silent and unwitting agreement, but tonight was different. Tonight, Tara had done something unspeakable to Willow and her friends, something that would have earned her a world of trouble back home.

And for some reason, Willow still loved her.

"Tara," Willow's voice went soft again, and Tara felt a finger propping her chin up to meet green eyes, "If you had been a demon, warts and all, do you really think I would have let them take you?"

She did her best to nod, because it felt like honesty hour and Tara actually wanted to throw everything out there for once. After all this time, Willow deserved to see her for what she truly was: a neurotic mess of a girl who took up too much of the world's air. Unworthy of anyone's love, except perhaps her mother's, and certainly evil deep down inside, with or without her supposed demon. Something had to be inherently wrong with her, something rotten and disgusting deep within her soul, otherwise her father wouldn't have treated her like a monster.

Right?

"You're wrong," Willow sighed and pushed a few strands of Tara's hair out of her face because they'd begun sticking to her wet cheeks, and she smiled sadly. "Baby, if I had known… I mean, really known, when your brother showed up here, I wouldn't have let him anywhere near you. But you didn't say anything and I… I didn't know, Tara. I couldn't know. You never talked about them."

After a pause, Willow added with a shrug, "And I guess I still don't really know."

"You know enough," Tara said, her voice strained and hoarse. The idea of telling Willow everything – the real version of everything, not the stories she'd concocted over the last year to explain why she didn't go home over the summer or get any mail, but the whole truth – scared her. She would know, and Tara would be exposed as a fraudulent girl, and she just knew that Willow would send her on her merry way for betraying her for over a year.

The truth would not set her free. Tara knew that much by now. It would only lock her down, and force Willow to see her true face, just like her father warned. This one didn't belong to a demon, though, just the neglected daughter of a whole mess of monsters. And, somehow, that seemed much worse.

"Not everything," Willow sighed, caressing Tara's cheek, "I mean, I'm a smart girl, so I can do a crossword puzzle, but… sometimes it's nice to have a little help filling in the blanks."

Tara licked her lips and tried to conceal a cringe by jerking away from Willow, but her girlfriend wouldn't let go, and honestly, Tara didn't feel capable of standing on her own right then anyway. She did her best to relax and show Willow that she wouldn't scurry off, and soon Willow loosened her grip on Tara's shoulders.

"Will," she said, reaching up to grasp Willow's hands and pull them down to her sides, squeezing them lightly, "I wanted to tell you. I really did. W-when you came by, before the Scooby meeting, I… I wanted to say something. I wanted you to help me. But I… m-my dad had just been there, telling me I was bad and o-out of… of control," Tara shuddered and closed her eyes as she said it, "and I… I was thinking more about how to tell you I'd be leaving than about m-my… my demon."

"The one that isn't real," Willow affirmed, giving Tara a squeeze of her own, which earned a tiny smile from the trembling girl.

Tara nodded. "Apparently."

"Is that why you got all snippy? You don't usually get all snippy."

"Probably," Tara said with a shrug, "L-long day."

"Understandable."

Tara frowned. "I'm really sorry."

"I'm not upset with you," Willow sighed and shook her head, "I just… you were going to leave me? Like… like Oz?"

"No! I would never, Willow, I… I couldn't do that to you." Tara said hurriedly, like Willow might crumble at her feet if she didn't get the words out fast enough, "It changed things, after I saw you. You changed things. I wanted to stay with you. I always did, you know, but after that… I knew I couldn't go. So…"

Willow smirked then. "Spell time."

"Pretty much," Tara said, dipping her head to eye the floor and close her eyes, "I wouldn't have gone, sweetie. I couldn't. I… they still s-scare me. Even n-now." Tara looked up and met Willow's eyes, her own resolve face making an appearance, "I… I would die first."

"I sincerely hope that wasn't Plan B," Willow mumbled, trying desperately to make it sound like a lighthearted joke, but Tara knew what she meant.

"No," she sighed, before looking back at the training room door again, "But right now… I don't know. I feel awful about what I did."

Willow caught her off guard. Just as Tara turned around to lower her gaze and avoid eye contact with her, Willow lunged at her and grasped the back of her neck. She placed a hard and desperate kiss upon Tara's lips, and the girl flushed bright pink in return. If Tara hadn't been so stunned by the act, she might have squealed with delight. Willow never kissed her in public places. Not where someone could waltz in and see them, anyway.

Tara was the one to pull away, unwittingly, eying Willow suspiciously.

"I love you," Willow said, out of breath and desperate, "We all do. And I'm talking the real kind of love, here, not the 'come home and cook and clean for me because you're our demon slave person' kind that your dad specialized in. Dawn adores you, Buffy and Xander and Anya care about you, heck, even Spike likes you. We want you, Tara. Demon or not, we want you. Always."

Tara bit her lip and scrunched up her face, trying hard and failing at not crying. "Willow…"

"We know the real you," she continued on, "The Tara that hangs out with Dawn when none of the rest of us want to, because you actually want to, the Tara that helps us fight monsters and teaches me spells, the Tara that I can talk to about anything ever, and you never judge me or say I'm being stupid or crazy… unless it's about my colorful notes."

"Fifty gel pens," Tara quipped with a half-smile, "It's just excessive, sweetie."

"And you love me." Willow beamed. "You loved me when I couldn't even love myself, before I had any idea what real love felt like. And when Oz came back, you loved me enough to let me choose."

Tara shrugged and tried to look casual. "I-I mean, I hoped for it to be me, but…"

"This is me choosing you again," Willow finished, her gaze fierce, "This is us not letting anything come between us. Never again."

"I love you." Tara held Willow's face in her hands and massaged her temples, shaking her head in disbelief at her good fortune. "Oh, god, I love you so much."

Willow closed her eyes, bliss overcoming her features for just a second, before she sighed and opened them to stare at Tara soberly. "I want to know. If you're comfortable with it, I mean. I… I want us to talk about…"

"My family," Tara finished, biting down on her bottom lip nervously, but nodding all the same. "Okay."

"Okay? Good." Willow ran a finger along Tara's neck and smiled. "It doesn't have to just be the bad stuff, either. I want all the details on Tara Maclay. Down to every last middle school crush. Every last everything you haven't been able to tell me because of the whole secret… thing."

Tara tried to smile, but her bottom lip still trembled with unease. "I think I can m-manage that. Not here, though, right?"

"No way. We'd have to leave the whole Scooby gang locked up in the shop, and Sunnydale wouldn't make it one night with its slayer all cooped up. Do you want to go to the dorm?"

Tara nodded and said, "Mine?"

Instead of answering, Willow hooked Tara's arm and dragged her across the shop, all the way to the training room door where Tara had stood just an hour earlier to work her magic on the gang. A twinge of guilt tugged at her stomach, but Willow urged her on through the doorway and into the room where half a dozen pairs of eyes bugged out at the sight of her. Instinctively, Tara made to duck her head, but Willow gave her arm a gentle tug as soon as she had her eyes glued to a dumbbell on the floor, and Tara whipped her head back up to stare curiously at her girlfriend.

"No more hiding," Willow whispered, a command that would certainly be easier said than done.

Tara nodded, though, because she wanted to try on a new version of herself. Maybe one without a stutter or a fear of, well, pretty much everything. She'd quite like to be brave, for once.

"You're free," Willow said to the group, raising her voice, "We're heading back to the dorm."

"Everything all right?" Buffy asked, genuine concern in her wide eyes.

Tara nodded and looked to Willow with a sheepish smile. "Yes. Much better now, I think."

Before anyone could say anything else, Dawn bounded across the room from where she'd been standing with Spike and latched onto Tara's mid-section. The force of impact tore Tara from Willow's embrace, but she didn't mind. If anyone felt more like family than Willow, it was Dawn.

"You're not leaving, right?" Dawn asked, her voice squeaking more like a five year old than a fifteen year old. Her eyes were wide and questioning, and for the hundredth time since she'd gotten to know Dawn, Tara melted.

She shook her head and smiled. "Of course not, sweetie. I think you ran them off."

"That was mostly Buffy," she replied, still glued to Tara, "But if they ever come back, I'll take care of them for you. No mercy."

"Meaning you'll send me after them," Buffy said with a roll of her eyes and a scoff.

"Duh."

Tara nearly choked when she spotted Buffy grinning at the scene before her, eyes sparkling despite the darkness of the training room, and Tara read the gratitude in those little orbs of blue. Even though they hadn't truly befriended one another yet, the mutual respect was there, and Tara relished in it. Buffy wanted her there. If not for herself, for Dawn and Willow, and that seemed to be plenty for the slayer.

Tara's heart swelled with pride, and she hugged Dawn even tighter.

"I don't think they'll be coming back anytime soon," Xander spoke this time, crossing the room with his arms over his chest in a mock-macho stance, "Not that bearded bully, anyway. I got him good and scared of ole' Xander."

Tara met his eyes and tried to convey her immense gratitude through a half-smile, which definitely didn't do his act of kindness justice, but Xander simply nodded in response and smirked back. And she felt like he understood, somehow, exactly what his mocking of her brother had done for her. How it had truly been the final straw that triggered her telling her family to leave, all on her own.

"Oh, please." Spike rolled his eyes and groaned. "If that smarmy little git and you actually fought, my money's on the git."

Xander spun around and raised an eyebrow at Spike. "And you're still here because…?"

Giles joined in on the party and cocked a brow at him as well. "How exactly did you get inside the shop, Spike? I could have sworn I locked the back door…"

"Uh, evil? Remember?" Spike scoffed, then rolled his eyes again, "You lot weren't complainin' when I saved half your hides and got the witch's nut job family off her back!" Spike advanced toward both of them, and Giles dove a hand into his back pocket to withdraw a handkerchief. He set to cleaning his glasses, glancing down at the floor as if he hadn't said a word.

Dawn pulled away from Tara, if only to see what the men in the room would do next, but Buffy gave Spike a harsh glare and he turned away from Xander and Giles almost immediately. Spike still steamed with repressed rage, but he remained calm enough to turn on his heels and wave a rushed goodbye to no one in particular as he exited the room. Tara could still hear him muttering expletives in the main area of the shop, along with the scuffling of his boots as he stomped out, all the way until the bell above the door dinged once more, and he was gone, too.

"Anyway," Willow said, grabbing Tara's hand and giving it a squeeze, "We just wanted to let you guys know that we're taking off."

"And to th-thank you," Tara added, gulping back the nerves that had her throat feeling tight, "For… well, you know."

"I'm upset that you aren't a demon, but I'm glad that you're staying," Anya said, without a hint of hesitation, "You're the only bearable one in the group… other than Xander, of course."

"Ahem?" Giles frowned.

"Oh, and Giles, because he owns the cash register… which is where he keeps the money."

"Yes, well," he sighed, "It certainly makes the world go 'round."

Willow appeared put off by what Anya had said, but Tara simply grinned. Anya's brand of honesty always seemed like more of a pro than a con to Tara, since she didn't exactly have the ability to be so upfront with people. Anya did, however, and Tara admired her for it.

"Oh, um, sorry I wasn't a d-demon," Tara said jokingly, but Anya waved her off as if she'd been serious.

"You'd make an awful one, anyway." Anya smiled then, like she knew that her words were coming across the right way for once. "Too sweet."

Willow turned to beam at her, and Tara couldn't help but pull out her big and bright smile again. And she wouldn't let someone steal it from her this time around, either.

"Isn't that the truth," Willow said, wrapping a delicate hand around the back of Tara's neck.

Tara leaned in, despite the rows of ogling eyes, because this was her family now. Her true family. And if Willow felt bold enough to share a kiss in front of their family, Tara wouldn't be the one to put an end to it. In all honestly…

"It's about time."

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed, her tone stern.

"What? Oh, c'mon, you guys were thinking it too!"