It goes without saying, but Bleach and its characters belong to Tite Kubo. Not me.

So my account has been dead for about a year and a half now, and I finally decided to drag my writer's pen (or keyboard in this case) back out. This is both my first Bleach fanfic and my first attempt at a more humorous piece... so we'll see how it goes. And any suggestions would be much appreciated! Not really any warnings, just some language and Starrk-abuse on Lilynette's part.

Summary: After God-knows-how-long of wandering alone through the desert of Hueco Mundo, Starrk and Lilynette have been recruited by Aizen to join him and the rest of his arrancar in Las Noches. Delighted at the prospect of companionship, the pair agrees to the proposal. Unfortunately, after arriving at Las Noches Starrk discovers that his fellow Espada range from unfriendly to downright hostile. This story will document his attempts to befriend his surly, aloof comrades. Methinks he'll get into some trouble... but perhaps he'll also make a friend or two along the way. Enjoy!

PROLOGUE

"Staaaaaaaaaarrk!"

The newly appointed Primera awoke with a yelp as something small and hard drove into his stomach. Without opening his eyes, he batted his hand at the object until it removed itself from his gut, then rolled over and attempted to go right back to sleep.

"Hey! What're you ignorin' me for?"

The hard object—a small, bony fist, Starrk now figured it to be—began pounding him on the head instead.

"Come on, you lazy bastard, I need to talk to you!" His only response was to bury his head in the mountain of pillows he was laying on. "Seriously!" Lilynette continued, this time starting to jab him sharply in the shoulder with her finger. Still no reaction.

Starrk heard the girl sigh as she withdrew her stabbing digit. Hoping she'd given up for now, he settled back into his makeshift bed. But Lilynette wouldn't be beaten so easily, and, after only a few wonderfully non-abusive seconds, Starrk was booted—hard—in the small of his back.

"Jesus, Lilynette, can't you ever give me a moment's peace?" the Espada snapped, finally opening his eyes and sitting up. The girl took a step back and grinned, her mission complete.

"Nope," she chirped. "You'd sleep yourself to death if I did."

Starrk growled and then flopped back onto his pile of cushions, stubbornly re-closing his eyes.

"Hey!" Lilynette protested. She leaned back over the man and murmured ominously, "don't make me dooooo iiiiiiit..."

"Fine, fine." Sensing where his fraccion's hand had been moving, Starrk shot up again, crouching forward over his nether regions protectively. "What do you want to talk to me about?"

Lilynette giggled, yanking a pillow out from Starrk's pile and setting it on the floor. "You're such a wuss," she quipped brightly, plopping down. "I don't know what Aizen was thinkin', making you Primera."

"Well, I'm not gonna question it," Starrk said with a shrug. "This beats wandering aimlessly through the desert and sleeping on the sand." He brushed idly at a nap-induced crease on the front of his uniform, an outfit he was still getting accustomed to wearing. "So, would you please say what you came to say and let me get back to my rest?"

"You never slept this much before," Lilynette grumbled, her expression turning from a smile to a scowl. "And that's what I'm not gettin'," she continued in response to Starrk's raised eyebrow at her change in tone. "We've finally got what we wanted. We've finally found a group of hollows just as strong as we are. We don't have to be lonely anymore, we can have friends. But as soon as we got here, you just sat your lazy ass down in your new, comfy quarters and have barely budged from them since."

"So that's what you wanted to talk about? The fact that I'm quite enjoying our new accommodations and choosing not to associate with the resident psychopaths?"

"No, I want to talk about the fact that you're not taking an opportunity that we've been searching for since forever."

Starrk laughed hollowly. "Really, Lilynette, have you seen these guys? Maybe you've managed to find a few amiable spirits among your fellow fraccion, but each of these Espada has a fucking log up their ass. They're not interested in making friends. They interact with others to the degree Aizen requires them and then stick to themselves the rest of the time."

"How do you know? You've hardly even spoken to any of 'em."

"I don't need to to know that they'd rather be left alone. Why should I go out of my way to associate with them if they'd prefer I just stay out of their business?"

"Because not too long ago you woulda killed for this chance! And now you're just lettin' it go to waste!" The girl crossed her arms and gave Starrk as stern a look as she could muster. "So here's what you're gonna do: you're gonna go to every single one of those other Espada, introduce yourself properly, and do your best to get to know them. If you find that, yeah, they would rather be left alone then leave it at that. But you never know. Maybe one of them is in need of a friend, too."

"Hah. No," was Starrk's only response before turning away from Lilynette and spreading himself back out over his cushions.

"Hey! Hey!" Lilynette yelled, getting off the pillow she'd been sitting on and smacking Starrk with it. "I'm not finished yet!" Her voice was still devoid of its usual teasing playfulness, and it was only this that made Starrk sigh and look back up at her.

"Why must you torment me like this?"

"I ain't tormenting you, in fact I'm pretty sure I'm doin' you a big favor. Besides, I've done all the homework for you. I've already gotten the scoop on the other Espada, and I've actually talked to a few of them myself. Barragan you'll have to watch out for, as he's apparently quite pissed at you for taking his spot as Primera, but I say you should still give it a try. Harribel seems all right, kinda quiet but no too unfriendly. And her fraccion think she is the absolute greatest thing ever."

"Lilynette," Starrk cut in, massaging his temples wearily.

"Ulquiorra is quite the stiff," the girl plowed ahead, "and doesn't pay attention to anyone else most of the time. Typical antisocial emo, but I think he just needs someone to show him some kindness and he'll open right up! Nnoitra is rude and insulting, but at least he actually talks to people. But don't accept if he challenges you to a fight, 'cause I've heard he's one crazy motherfucker on the battlefield."

"Lilynette, I never said I was going to do this."

"Now, Grimmjow I've actually talked to, and he seems pretty cool. A bit rough, but the fact that he actually paid some attention to me should say something. And his fraccion are awesome! They're the ones who've been teachin' me all the ropes around here. Zommari, I've heard, just sits around in his room and meditates all day. That's really all I know about him. Szayel Aporro is another one I've talked to. I just had to go check out his lab after one of Grimmjow's fraccion told me about all the weird stuff he's got in there. If you can get over all the mad scientist creepiness, he's not too bad. And he showed me some cool stuff while I was there."

"There's no point in arguing, is there?" Starrk muttered, more to himself than Lilynette.

"Shut up, I'm almost done. Aaroniero's another one I don't know much about as he keeps to himself most of the time, as well. But it doesn't sound like there's anything particularly horrid about him. And then, lastly, there's Yammy. He's rather slow . . . I asked him for directions once, and he got so turned around and confused I thought his brain was gonna break. It was funny, I'm doin' it every time I run into him now. But he seems all right, too. So," the girl paused to take a big, dramatic breath. "Outta all those people, you should be able to find at least one that'll be friendly with ya."

Starrk sighed and leaned back into his pillows, mentally cursing Lilynette and the time she had put into evaluating the other Espada for his "benefit". She'd obviously been planning this, which meant there was no stopping her.

"Fine," Starrk finally relented. "But if I come back mauled, decapitated, or dissected, I'm blaming you."

"Oh, come on," Lilynette remarked with a grin, "you're the Primera. No one's going to go against you."

"Yeah, I guess," Starrk muttered, wishing he had the girl's optimism. To be honest, some of the other Espada made him nervous. As Lilynette had said herself, Barragan was already out for his head, and none of the others were too pleased with the upward shuffle in ranks his arrival had caused. Starrk certainly hadn't asked—or even really wanted—to be labeled number one. But unlike him, the other Espada seemed quite infatuated with their positions. And "Privaron Espada" was not a highly sought-after rank in Las Noches. The others would fight tooth and nail for their spots. They were more competitor than comrades, and Starrk was nothing more than another rival—albeit an unwilling one—in their little game. And he didn't like being the ultimate player to beat.

Although Starrk wouldn't admit it out loud, he had been disappointed to see this state that the arrancar of Las Noches operated under. The apathy most of them held towards each other. Lilynette was right; not so long ago, he would have killed for this opportunity. When Aizen had found them in the desert, he had told them of a place where he was gathering other arrancar to help them oppose the Shinigami who had been oppressing them for so long. And all that Starrk had really heard was that fact that there were others, others who would not fall prey to his dangerously powerful reiatsu. He hadn't really stopped to consider that they might not share the same need for companionship that he did. This was better than the situation he and Lilynette had been in before, but still . . .

His chain of thoughts was broken when Lilynette grabbed his hand and pulled upwards. "Come ON, lazybones. It'll take you awhile to get through all nine of 'em, you should start now."

"Now? But I want to finish my nap—"

"No. Now." The girl dropped his had and aimed a sharp kick at his shin instead. "While the day is still young here!"

"All right, already," Starrk muttered, at long last rising to his feet. He glared down at Lilynette's grinning face, wondering (not for the first time) how something so small and cute could be the greatest nuisance in his life.

"Okay, then, I think you should just start with Barragan and then work your way down the ranks. 'Cause if you can survive him, the rest of them'll be a breeze!"

"That's comforting," Starrk muttered as he strode towards the door, Lilynette hot on his tail.

"I ain't gonna go with you, but I'll be checkin' up on you to make sure you're actually doing it. And if you don't, so help me, I won't allow you to get a wink of sleep for the next week," the girl warned. When they passed into the hallway, she gave Starrk a laughing, but encouraging, grin. "Have fun, then!" she quipped before darting off.

Starrk sighed, turning in the opposite direction that Lilynette had gone. He really didn't have a choice now. He didn't doubt that his fraccion would make good on her threat, and a week without sleep was a much grimmer prospect than any evil the other Espada might do him.

"Nevertheless, I'm sure I will end up regretting this," the Primera murmured to himself as he paced away, leaving the quiet comfort of his quarters and traveling into the great white unknown of Las Noches.

111

So . . . yeah, there you go. I'm not really entirely sure where this is going yet. I have some ideas for Starrk's meetings with Barragan and Szayel, but I haven't really considered any of the other's yet. Again, any ideas would be greatly appreciated! Let me know what you think!