Gears of Comedy presents…

The New Man's Best Friend
by Stephanie G., aka MyFantasiWorld

Copyrights: Everything that is Gears of War belongs to Epic Games, People Can Fly, and The Coalition. Other material used here either belongs to me or other creators.

Rating: Rated M for language, violence and mild adult themes.

A/N: Hey, guys, I'm back again to revise this ridiculous story I did out of boredom from an old job I worked at back in 2010. In fact, I decided to give these chapters a good revision and finally end this god-forsaken insanity of a story. Before you read, I must warn you that there's some off-characterization, references of game glitches and unresolved game theories, characters breaking the fourth wall, and a whole lot of stupidity. It was written around the time GOW2 was still active and when a few novels released after the game, so you'll notice I don't have any of the new characters appear in this story. For those who haven't read the old version of this, it's just a humorous story about Delta Squad taking care of a Rockworm as a pet, but it will be completed with some sort of plot device… maybe... I'm not sure myself. Just read on and you'll find out. Please R&R!

Summary: Since dogs, cats, and every known animal are now considered as food instead of pets to the human society, will Rockworms instead take over as humanity's new man's best friend? Follow Delta Squad and many of their friends on this random journey as they struggle to harness a friendship with these stone-shelled, cave-dwelling, constant-eating creatures of Sera!

Chapter 1: It Starts With A Worm

Within the hallways of the COG's headquarters, Marcus Fenix was wandering aimlessly with nothing better to do during this afternoon. He wasn't in his battle armor at the moment and instead was wearing the COG's standard issued thermal shirt, a cargo pant, and a pair of steel-toed boots. Since there were no missions assigned to keep the soldiers wearing the heavy armor all day, they were required to wear the COG's standard-issued clothing. This didn't mean Marcus couldn't wear his do-rag, so he still brandished it along with his selected uniform.

So as he continued wandering through the bare hallways, he held a cup of coffee in his right hand while he had his left hand dug inside his pocket. At the moment, he wasn't sure why he was ambling about the place. He also barely realized he had a cup of coffee in his hand. Shit, he doesn't even like coffee!

"Dammit." Marcus grunted to himself finally realizing he was stuck in another of those weird fan stories called 'fan-fiction'. The ones that people like MyFatassy… MyFartessi… well, whatever the author's name was… makes, which can never succeed in being the most favorable comedy stories in a fanfiction site, or anywhere else for that matter.

He stopped and looked at the cup he never purchased to begin with and decided to drink it, despite his distaste for it. Before he even thought to swallow the black caffeine down, his eyes bugged out and he sprayed the liquid all over the floor. Actually, what he had tasted wasn't even coffee at all… it was water mixed with dirt. The soldier looked at the puddle of mud and then to his cup. Remembering what he had thought about the author, MyFaboosi-something, and insulting her talents of writing humorous, but still not so great, stories, he sighs, "And thus, the torture begins."

Turning his head to the left, he saw a door nailed with a rather large poster reading, "Do Not Enter!". He shrugged at it and, out of necessity, reached for the doorknob. He was inches away from grabbing it until he noticed the poster folded open to further read, "Don't Fuck With Me, Marcus, I Know It's You!". He bent an eyebrow up in surprise to recognize his name was written on it, but yet proceeded to reach for the knob. He stopped once more to see the poster fold open again, further reading, "You're Asking For It, Dipshit!". He ignored it with a grunt this time, knowing that this kind of vulgar language forwarded to him can only belong to Damon Baird, and went ahead to grab the knob.

Suddenly, he felt a shock of electricity go through his arm and then to his entire body. After a few painful seconds, he managed to let go of the doorknob to stop from getting any more electrocuted. Standing stupidly and puffing out a cloud a smoke, he saw a small paper slide out from under the door reading, "I warned you.". Marcus growled fiercely and roughly threw his cup of 'coffee' across the hallway.

Actually, the cup he had thrown wasn't Styrofoam nor was it a cup to begin with. It was a coffee mug. So as it flew across the hall, he wasn't aware it was aiming directly to where Dominic Santiago and Augustus Cole were talking next to a water cooler… and at his brother's head.

"Okay, okay," Cole eagerly said while wiping away tears of laughter from his eyes, "here's another one! You know that Anya is a blonde and Maria is a brunette, right? Well, if Anya and Maria fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?"

Dom answered with a smile, "Don't know. Spill it out, man!"

"Well, Baby, it would be Maria. Anya would… Ha, ha!… have to stop for directions!" Cole threw his head up and laughed out loud. On the other hand, Dom looked at him with wide eyes and felt his lips quivering. He then covered his face with both of his hands and started to sob. Cole stopped laughing and gave him an unsatisfied look, "Baby, you gotta learn how to take a joke."

Clunk!

The mug that appeared out of nowhere knocked Dom clear in the head. It hit him so hard miniature Reavers formed around his skull like a halo, and he collapsed to the ground with the water machine falling on top of him. Cole just stared in shock at the sudden catastrophe that befell on his friend. He then walked back slowly to wherever his room was at to avoid getting hit by a flying coffee mug too.

Marcus, who was still enraged in the middle of the hall, tried going through the door by grabbing the handle again. Without learning what had happened earlier he got shocked again. After minutes of getting fried up the ass he collapsed to the ground saying, "Ow."

He stayed on the floor in an awkward fashion for what seemed like hours, until he decided to try another method. Rather than grabbing the knob another time, which he almost did, he sat up into a crouched position and pressed his ear against the door to hear what was going on in the room. Within a minute, a startling voice emitted from the other side quickly grabbing his attention. "Oh, Baird." a female moaned out.

Marcus thought, "That's funny, it sounded just like… Anya?!" The realization made him press his ear roughly against the door, almost as if attempting to push through the door itself. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard! He felt furious as he thought Baird might be trying to… No, he better not be. Not with Anya! Not his Anya!

"Baird… Baird… BAIRD! OH MY GOD, BAIRD!" Anya continued moaning ever so loudly.

That was when he lost it.

Marcus got up on his feet and started to yell out furiously. Some of the COG's maintenance and communication crew passing by watched him scream at the top of his lungs. Most of them held onto their paperwork in fear, while a few of them stared in confusion or paced more quickly past him. He finally stopped screaming, to everyone's relief, but as he yelled out, "BAIRD!", all the workers jumped right out of their skins.

As he grabbed a shotgun from a person who was carrying a stack of multiple of weapons in an unfashionable manner, he pumped it and prepared to shoot down the blonde's door. Everyone else ran around screaming or took cover behind the water coolers. There were only two placed at each end of the hallway, so the people ran down the stairs to avoid the situation altogether.

Inside the room, Baird came out of the kitchen adjacent to the living room and kneeled beside the lieutenant. He questioned, "Anya… why the hell are you yelling like that?"

"Hmm…" Anya mused as she put a finger to her lips, "I dunno."

BAM!

A large hole was suddenly created where the doorknob used to be. Marcus on the other side kicked it down with his heavy steel-toed boot and stomped into the room. "BAIRD! YOU FUCKING PIECE O' SHIT! WAIT TILL I SHOOT OFF YOUR-" The man stopped in mid-sentence to find out he was not seeing what he had expected to see.

Both Baird and Anya were crouched down on the floor side-by-side with their backs facing him. In front of them was a large eggshell the size of a full-grown cat, covered in pink-transparent slime and other revolting things he didn't want to find out. He also noticed that something familiar came out of the shell, but whatever it was was the least of his concerns.

Baird stood up and grabbed his short, spiky hair roughly, "MY DOOR! What the fuck is wrong with you, man?!"

Ignoring Baird's worry about his door, Marcus stood over it and barked, "Shut up, Baird! I want to know what you're doing with my woman!"

"What?! I wasn't doing anything to your- Wait a minute… Anya's not your woman!"

"Yet," the soldier clarified, "Now, back off, Asshole, or that small stick of yours is going to get blown off!" He pumped his shotgun to ensure he was going to do what he said.

Baird didn't startle by his intimidation - as if he ever did - and sniffed through his nose. He got close enough to barely touch nose-to-nose with him to give him his usual, cold, are-you-testing-me glares and snarled, "Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try, Dipshit!" They were now both growling at each other like a couple of mad dogs fighting over a fresh heap of meat.

"Enough, you guys!" a demanding, yet soft, feminine voice brought their attention towards the blonde Lieutenant, Anya Stroud. She got up from her squatted position and fully faced towards the two men revealing a giant worm cradled in her arms. It was still coated in the pinkish slime from the egg, but you can still tell the rock that enveloped around it was very smooth and soft. It almost looked like if you touched it with your hand it would feel squishy than solid as rock. Anya then placed it on a couch to wipe off the slime on her uniform.

After staring at the delicate creature blankly, Marcus gasped like if he had seen a Brumak pass by, "WOORRRMMMM!" Throwing away his shotgun and bringing out his trusty lancer out of nowhere - thanks to the unresolved fact that many game characters can pull out their weapons even when they don't appear to carry them at all - he charged up the chainsaw and sprinted towards the worm. "DON'T WORRY, ANYA, I'LL SAVE YOU!" He cried out as he was ready to pulverize the creature. When the lieutenant shrieked and moved out of his path, Baird reacted by jumping in front of the worm and grabbing Marcus' arms to hold him back. The chainsaw was hovering dangerously close to him that it attempted to cut open his head.

"HEY! EASY, BIG GUY!" Baird tried to yell loud enough over the saw, "IT'S A ROCKWORM! A HARMLESS CREATURE! GOT IT?!"

Anya walked up to Marcus and softly placed a hand on his bicep while attempting to keep on a steady voice, "Marcus, it's okay. Let me just explain, please?" Marcus eyed her while still letting the saw hover over Baird's face and sighed in defeat. Calming himself down he stopped the chainsaw from running. The blonde, all the while, had caught his breath when he noticed he was still alive, and took a step back to look at them both.

Marcus then spoke, throwing his lancer over his shoulder to make it disappear from the room, "Why the hell do you have that thing in here?" Baird stared at him dumb-founded. "What?" he growled impatiently.

"How… how the fuck did you do that?!" Baird baffled out, completely ignoring his question while he walked over to where his lancer should've landed at. To his surprise, the mechanic noticed it wasn't anywhere to be found. Even the shotgun too! Well, in a manner of speaking, games also have an unresolved fact that weapons can disappear in any area it is thrown at if not used anymore.

Baird was now too preoccupied about the game fact to pay attention to anybody, so Anya answered for him instead, "Well, according to Baird, he thinks he would make history if he could train them to become… "pets"." She even curled her fingers as a gesture to emphasize the last word in-between quotes. "He thought he should get one so he can do some research about them. He even told me about it before I briefed him on a mission to go underground so he can get away with sneaking one in the headquarters. And since Hoffman would trust me not to do anything like that of the sort, Baird decided to let me keep it with me. Besides, I think they're cute."

Marcus looked at the worm covered in the pink ooze and looked back at her with a lifted eyebrow, "If you wanted a pet, why not get a dog?"

"They get eaten."

"Oh, right."

Baird, who was still figuring out how Marcus' weapons would vanish out of place, gave up and responded, "And who knows? They could be our new 'man's best friend'." He then held up a finger each time he listed a point, "First of all, it's not predatory in nature. Two, it listens to you if you know their language like the Locusts do. And three, I think it's time Dom learns that his keeping-his-sanity methods by talking to Jack is making him look like a weird, straight-out-of-a-psychiatric-hospital retard!"

Marcus stared at him unimpressed. "Baird, Dom talks to it because he feels it keeps his head straight. That's a good thing. As for the Rockworm, they're defensive creatures so they can still attack anyone. Also, these things are not smart or loyal just because the Locusts can talk to them. They're just fucking worms."

"Hey, man, you don't know that!" Baird defended, "Seriously, if Locusts are able to manipulate them to become their allies and a dependable food source, then I'm sure we can do the same." Both Marcus and Anya lifted their nostrils in disgust, and Baird responded quickly, "Hey! I didn't mean eat them too! That's - that's just gross!" Then he let a second slip and continued with a sarcastic tone, "Unless if Granny served up a menu for that kind of shit, aside from all the unearthly creatures she mentioned making rations of, then yeah, I guess a few of us would eat them… Oh wait, I just remembered, she's the only insane one on this planet who would!"

Anya, almost looking as if she ignored what Baird ranted about, turned to Marcus and said, "Anyway, Baird went out to get the Rockworm without having Hoffman find out."

"Yup, but it wasn't easy. Trust me."

IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVERN SOME TIME AGO…

Besides the mission, Baird was on the search to find a Rockworm's egg for his little experiment he liked to call "Wild-to-Pet Converting", and Anthony Carmine was there to accompany him on his investigation too. But most importantly, he was doing it for Anya.

The mechanic didn't mind the Lieutenant was offering to have his experimental subject as her own pet, but he thought if he turned her down from it, she would less likely feel interested in having sex with him. Plus, knowing that Marcus has had a hidden interest in her for a long time, he finds the luxury to get him pissed off when Anya appreciated his actions. Especially when he receives a peck on the cheek as a favor for helping her out…

What else can be said? He enjoys teasing the poor son-of-a-bitch.

As the two scavengers traveled deeper into the tunnels where Rockworm nests were most likely to be formed at, they finally found a shallow hole filled with five worm eggs. Unfortunate for them, the mother was curled around them while it slept.

Behind a small hill with Carmine, Baird hummed to himself, thinking over how they should get an egg without waking the oversized worm. He then turned his attention to his partner-in-crime and a light bulb suddenly appeared over his head making a small ting sound when it glistened. It also freaked out Carmine at the process, but Baird cared less about his reaction while a smirk formed across his face.

Baird then whispered to him, "Alright, there it is. Go get it, Carmine," before ducking down to watch him in action, but Anthony didn't budge.

"Wait… Why me? This is your idea, not-" the Private stopped retaliating as he saw a Snicker's bar hanging over in front of his face.

"You want this candy?" Baird shook the bar a few times giving Carmine an attempt to snatch it out of his hand, but he pulled away and made him miss.

"Yes… yes I do!" The young soldier pleaded as if mesmerized by the presence of the candy.

"Then go get the egg, and I'll give it to you in exchange for it." Carmine saluted with determination and jumped over the small hill only to trip and fall on his face. He then quickly brought himself back to his feet and continued forward, making Baird palm his face out of embarrassment for him.

When the rook finally reached the mother and its nest, he looked at the pointy shell of the sleeping body and jumped over it clumsily landing inside of the nest. As he picked one of the overgrown eggs he held it out into the air to show Baird. The blonde just nodded quickly and signaled him to get the hell out of there. After the Private nodded back in approval, he forgot not to touch the rock-like shell of the mother and it grumbled.

He froze so quickly he had thought he had woken it up. Panicking inside his mind, Carmine was too much in shock to know what he was going to do next, so he let his involuntary actions take the best of him by making him trip over the body. This time the worm woke up to find him holding onto one of its new-born. Simultaneously, both Carmine and the worm screamed in very high pitches, making the stalagmites in the cave crumble into dust.

Carmine was up and running with the egg still intact in his grasp, and Baird was ready to take off with him. However, the Rockworm caused him to trip by its sweeping tail, making him drop the egg and let it speedily roll towards Baird. The blonde found the chance to retrieve it as his own and left without any regard for his partner's fate. All the while, Carmine was being dragged in towards the beast, yelping and screaming at the top of his lungs. "KEEP GOING, BAIRD! DON'T WORRY 'BOUT ME! YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO! OH, SHIT!"

Remembering about the Snicker's bar he promised to give to the Private, Baird stopped immediately and grabbed the candy out of his pocket. "OH YEAH, I ALMOST FORGOT! HERE'S YOUR CANDY!" He threw it roughly in the air towards him.

Carmine stopped his screaming and grabbed the bar in midair. He started to unwrap it while still being pulled in towards the worm, "THANKS! I'm glad to know that I'll die happy eating this - Wait a minute! THIS IS BEEF JERKY! DID YOU JUST EAT MY CHOCOLATE?!"

"UMM… NO…" Baird stammered unaware that his face was smeared with chocolate. "SEE YA!"

"DAMN YOU, BAIRD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

Then he ran away.

AT THE FRONT OF THE COG'S HEADQUARTERS…

Hoffman squinted his eyes observing the 'swelled-up belly' Baird had suddenly developed after getting out of the Locust tunnels. He proceeded to ask, "Are you sure that's a swelling, 'cause that looks like a damn baby you're growing in there."

"Believe me… swellings form like this down there. Lots of damn diseases are polluting the tunnels now."

Dom comes up to them with his body swelled up as well. Baird looked at him in surprise. "It's true. You got the same thing too?"

"HOLY SHIT!" Baird quickly dashed out of their sight, careful as not to trip and fall on top of the swelling, which was actually the Rockworm's egg.

After Hoffman and Dom watched him leave, they both turned to each other and laughed out loud. Dom took out the pillow from under his shirt, which was supposed to be the so-called swelling, and exclaimed, "Man, I can't believe he felt for it!"

"You're telling me! But seriously… was that a swelling?"

"Nah, I think it's a baby," Dom giggled under his sarcasm.

Hoffman fell silent and quickly brightened up, "Well, good for her! I know she'll be a great mother!"

Dom looked at him incredulously. "Wait… You think he's a chick?"

"Isn't he a homo?"

Bewildered by the unusual flashback, Marcus slapped himself back to his senses and responded, "I don't trust those creatures and I think you shouldn't either. Harmless or not, you're not going to keep it, Anya."

"But Marcus…" Anya said in grief.

"NO."

Anya looked down at the worm almost ready to cry.

"Woah, woah, woah!" Baird butted in at the instant hoping to convince him for Anya's sake and, hopefully, impress her. "Marcus! What kind of man are you to not realize how happy she'll be to have something she loves so much! I mean, c'mon, look at her!" Anya made a large pair of sad-puppy eyes. "You don't want her to be like that everyday now, do you? Knowing that her man doesn't give her the things she'd love to have! That's just… sad!" He also made the same puppy eyes like Anya, but smirked inside knowing his trick was going to work.

After taking a few looks at the two, Marcus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly, "Okay, FINE. Just… just don't let that thing near my room. I'd hate to see what a worm's crap looks like. And Baird… stop doing that."

Anya quickly brightened up, "Oh, thank you so much, Marcus! Don't worry, I will definitely watch out for it."

Baird offered her a towel to cover up the baby Rockworm before she left the room with it. She stopped near the exit like if she had almost forgotten to do something, and went back to the pair. She tiptoed up to the blonde's face and kissed him on the cheek, remarking a small "thank you", and continued to make her way out of the room to find hers. Baird rubbed his face to where her lipstick was marked at and formed a cheesy smile. Marcus almost looked like he was fuming up.

The scarred man gritted his teeth, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"Yep. The guilt trick works like a charm, huh? Besides, there was no way you could've turned her down. You're just too soft!"

The blonde poked at the man's chest, but Marcus slapped his hand away before he thought to pull away. "Get off!"

"Oh, but wait a second!" Baird sarcastically said, "I know you're not mad, because of that. You're mad, because she didn't kiss you but me!"

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are."

"No, I'M NOT."

"Yes, YOU ARE."

"NO, I'M NOT!"

"NO, YOU AREN'T!"

"YES, I -" Marcus went silent after realizing what he was about to say, and grumbled to himself as he crossed his arms.

Baird smirked, "I rest my case."

KLUNK!

Marcus was then hit in the head with, what Baird had noticed, a dirty coffee mug, and the soldier fell forward with Rockworms circling around his head. The blonde just looked blankly at his fallen figure and turned to find two unknown guys at the entrance.

Actually, the way they looked was kind of unusual; their skin was rough and ridged, and a pale-gray color. They were both bald and their nails were pointy enough to rip through rock. Baird thought they were Locusts, but he thought it was a stupid assumption until he noticed their faces weren't actually real, but were masks that represented Cliff Bleszinski and Rod Fergusson.

The one with the Cliff mask exclaimed, "Excellent shot, Louie!" He lifted up a hand to the one with the Rod mask to receive a high-five.

"Ha! Yeah, you've been coffee mugged! Ha, ha! Get it, Matt? Coffee mugged?" The one in the Rod mask elbowed his friend, "Y'know, 'mugged' as in 'attacked'? Or 'mug' as in 'his head'? Get it? Ha, ha, ha!"

The one named Matt stood watching him laughing, almost as if he didn't find his joke humorous at all. He then palmed his mask out of annoyance and responded, "Okay, I'm a rookie and I even find your humor a little stupid."

Before the one named Louie was about to retaliate back at his friend, the blonde mechanic shouted out a "Hey!" making them both focus on him. "What the hell are you Locusts doing here?" he asked plainly.

The two Locusts looked at each other, and the one named Louie turned back to Baird and shouted, "Your mom!" Then they both ran out of his sight with their laughter dying down the hallway.

Baird stood in his place without moving until he looked down at Marcus, who was finally coming out of his unconscious state. Then he pondered about the "your mom" quote very carefully, clicked his tongue out loud, and nodded, "Yeah, I think I might kill those assholes tomorrow." Just then he opened up his eyes real wide in realization and smirked devilishly, "Then again, I just might be able to get those Rockworms to listen to us after all." He then looked down at the Sergeant again watching him rubbing his reddened temple. "Well, looks like we're following up with a plot to this story, aren't we?"

Marcus mumbled to himself, "Ugh… God, help me get out of this story."

A/N: There you go, the first chapter to the story. For the readers who had read the originals, I have changed and added a few things to it. Oh, and for those who have read my Ruin To Parody oneshot, Louie and Steve (who will be appearing later in the chapters) are original Locust characters I made up to fill in as humor for the Locust species.

Matt is a brand new one for my Locust characters, so I hope you like him. Steve in this story, however, was given a big alteration to his character and role.

Now, if you like this story so far (for some reason), then be sure to read the next chapter!