Dear Abby
By: 1000th Ghost
Dear Abby,
I have a very unusual problem. You see, I wish to kill someone. That may sound rather vulgar, but believe me, it is for a good cause. I have this enemy…let's call him Robert. He is sickeningly good, and seems to want to do anything for his friends. It disgusts me! What is even worse is that he is from a different family than I. In our town of Verona, Italy, we have two main families. It is the duty of one family to try to wipe out the other family. I must confess, I am by far the most important man of my family, and unfortunately, Robert is of his. Yesterday, my Uncle threw a grand party for all of our family members. Imagine my surprise when Robert appeared! My cousin…Jasmine and my Uncle wanted to just keep the peace and let him be, and as much as I disagreed with this decision, I had to give in. Now the only thing I can think about is having Robert slaughtered at the end of my sword. The only thing is I don't want to get in any sort of trouble for it. Can you help me out?
- Future Murderer
Dear Future Murderer,
I must say that your letter troubled me greatly. You obviously feel a tremendous loathing for this Robert, but that is no reason to want to kill him. Such doings would be absolutely heinous and inexcusable. Instead of focusing on how you can commit this murder without getting caught, I suggest that you concentrate on how to rid yourself of this strange obsession. Try to understand exactly why this Robert bothers you so much (despite him coming to your party). If this does not work (and even if it does) I strongly suggest getting some sort of professional help. Whatever you do, do not give into your scandalous desires.
-Abby