A/N: ZareEraz here! In commemoration of our favorite, stone-faced bastard's birthday, I wrote a sizable fic that's been sitting on my computer for over a year! I missed last year and decided to wait until it was really his birthday to post it...so here it is finally! But I do have to warn you that it's not as light hearted as my other fics, but my sincere wish is that all of you enjoy reading it.
Note: The song I used for this story is "Still Here" by Digital Daggers.
Still Here
Musing through memories…
Losing my grip in the grey…
Numbing the senses….
I feel you slipping away…
Watanuki sighed, putting down Yuko's pipe in its box. She was sitting outside, wanting to enjoy the nearly full spring moon but she just wasn't in the mood. She sat back on her hands, her butterfly kimono falling off her shoulders and the elaborate sashes scattering across the porch. She opened her full lips to let the smoke trapped in her mouth drift into the evening air. The sky was clear of clouds, the stars twinkling beautifully across the expanse of black, the moon almost perfect circle to top it all off. Watanuki sighed, a small smile gracing her lips. It was beautiful, but she couldn't enjoy it as much as she'd like. She sighed again, tipping her head back to let her long, unruly hair fall to the floor. The glint of her round glasses masked her mismatched eyes, but if someone were to look past that mysterious aura, they'd find a very sad, immortal girl having a very lonely moment.
"It's lonely here, Shizuka. I wish you were here." The girl smiled sadly at the irony in her words for she was a wish-granter, the owner of the one-of-a-kind shop that dealt in wishes rather than worldly product. She was a powerful witch in her own right, taking after her predecessor Yuko in everything she set her mind to. Only now, instead of being one of the most powerful sorceresses in existence, her tendency to reminisce suddenly took a hold of her, reducing her nothing more than a human who's numerous experiences sometimes liked to jump her. Even though she still looked like a teenager, the seer had decided long ago that she'd earned the right to act like an old lady sometimes. She was over a hundred and fifty years old after all. This was one of those moments when the old dreamwalker would lose her grip on reality, drifting through a grey fog of her own memories, just like watching a movie with Doumeki in a theater. Her kimono floated around her in the dim dreamscape as she glided along, completely content.
She remembered the times at school where she'd fawn over Wari, gushing about his good looks or great ideas, huge smiles on her face. Then there were those times (which happened to be more often than not) where Doumeki would interrupt their conversations with his signature, "Oi" and Watanuki would blow up at him, ranting and raving like a madwoman. But they'd still share lunch together each day, laughing and talking under the trees at school when the weather permitted. Other days they'd be stuck inside because it was raining or snowing and just camp out in the roof stairwell. It was the only place in the entire school where Watanuki couldn't sense a whole lot of spirits and therefore, she was actually able to eat lunch without throwing it up because of noxious spirit auras. That's when Doumeki really came in handy; his purifying presence usually put her at ease and helped her out when spirits attacked the poor girl.
Then there were those times – after the accident where Watanuki fell out of the window – that Doumeki and Wari would come over to the shop and hang out while Yuko ordered the girl around to do this or grab that or make dinner and so on. Other times where the three of them would go on jobs that involved the otherworldly, and most of the time it was just Watanuki and Doumeki. And that began to happen more often and soon the two of them had a romantic relationship of sorts. Mostly it was because Doumeki was tired of waiting for the raven to admit her feelings and instead just kissed her on the fly. Of course he got yelled at, leaning away from the girl's insult-spewing mouth while plugging his ears. After that, things were slightly awkward on Watanuki's side, but Doumeki just took it in stride and let her figure things out for herself. But then there were times where they were in love. They'd hold hands while shopping for food or reading at the library for school and the raven would go to all his archery competitions and he'd come to her rescue on jobs. They'd kiss...
Watanuki's heart gave a violent shudder and she gripped her chest, the dreamscape dissolving around her. It hurt so much to remember. So much. The raven's eyes widened as the emotional pain increased and a tear fell down her pale cheek. She couldn't stop thinking about him now…his eyes…his callused hands…his lips…how much she like to kiss him…how much she loved… Shizuka I lov…no! I can't go there! No! I can't-! Watanuki's emotional barriers kicked in, blocking off all the memoires of the romantic time she spent with her classmate. She couldn't go there. She couldn't go through that again, so she blocked herself out of her memories, wrapping her mind-sight in a barrier of darkness and numbness. She didn't want to have to go through a loss like that again. First Yuko, then Shizuka and Wari and Kohane and the rest of her friends she'd known in school, even some of the spirit she'd known disappeared one day. She basically had no one now. No one to stand by her side. She was breathing heavily now from the effort of cornering herself off, the darkness around her seeming more threatening than when she first went out onto the porch. She sighed as the pain subsided, her mask of mysterious allure cloaking her pain again. She'd rather be numb right now, keeping the desire to dissolve into a wreck at bay. But the drawback to keeping herself sane this way was that he slipped further away, trapped behind the walls she created. The memory of her one-time lover dimmed, lost to the fog of her mind.
"Shizuka…Yuko…" The seer reigned in the tears that threatened to fall, biting her lip until she bled.
Fighting to hold on…
Clinging to just one more day…
Love turns to ashes…
With all that I wish could say…
Watanuki stood up abruptly, scattering her robes and grabbing her pipe with a growl before stomping off to her room. She wasn't this weak! She wasn't like this! She was the owner of Yuko's wish shop, one of the most powerful witches in existence! She didn't cry over memories that happened lifetimes ago! She slammed the sliding doors open and stalked down the hallway, the rest of the shop silent in the face of her anger. She undid her sashes with one hard yank, her kimono falling to the floor in a messy pile and fell into her bed heavily, clad in only her underwear. The pipe was placed on her nightstand next to her glasses, both ready for use the next time the raven picked them up. She flipped over, staring at the canopy of her bed, her hand blindly groping to drop the curtains around her. The see-through fabric cascaded down like a physical barrier, blocking the seer from the rest of the shop. She was alone now. Alone with her haunting thoughts. No! those memories were lifetimes ago! They're over and done! Gone…they're all gone!
She growled in anger as images of her old life surfaced again, unwilling to leave her alone. She gripped her head as the pounding started, each beat of her heart bringing up all sorts of memories. The happy ones where she'd laugh, the scary ones where monsters chased her, the irritating ones where Yuko would order her around, the sweet ones where Doumeki would kiss her. They kept coming back. The Angel game where Doumeki saved her for the first time. The letter game where Mokona and she ran through the streets. The time Wari gave her cookies. The time Yuko somehow cut a laptop with that infernal red bat. The time she risked her life to save Zashiki-warishi. The time Doumeki gave her half of his eye. The time she fell out the window. The time Ame-warishi got them to save a hydrangea plant. The time Yuko sent her through that damn vase to revert the pipe fox back. The time she and Doumeki participated in the Demon Parade. That time they met Kohane. That time Yuko took him to the Dream Buyer. That time she met Haruka in a dream. That day they played mahjong at Doumeki's temple. The time she spent the evening with all her friends at the Oden fox's shop cooking for everyone. The first time Doumeki kissed her, took her in his arms. The time Yuko left her.
All these memories swirled around her head as she groaned in physical pain, the hurt of not being able to get those times back injuring her mind and body. Watanuki wished she could get past this, but alas, she wasn't allowed to grant her own wishes. How could she do that? Granting her wish, exacting a price for her wish and carrying it out? It was ludicrous to think that she could do something like that! And yet, she'd tried, once and the consequences had been dire, nearly driving to insanity much like her memories were trying to do now, tearing away everything that she'd accumulated over her extended life time: her aura, her presence in a room, her reputation, her power, her mystique…gone as she choked down sobs, a last ditch effort to hold herself together.
"Why now, of all times?" She hissed, her head still pounding. "Why do you torment me?!" Watanuki felt her sanity slipping again, the weight of her prolonged life threatening to undo her. "No…no…no…no…no! Get it together. Hold yourself together, Kimihiro. You can get through one more night, one more day. You'll have a customer tomorrow, wishes to grant. Just one more day! You've always done it, so do it now!" Her fingers dug into her scalp, the pricks of pain the only thing grounding her, but still old memories were dredged up.
Doumeki. And her. Their first date. The first time they ever kissed. The spirit that had interrupted that kiss. That time that Watanuki had tripped over a child who ran past her and Doumeki snagged her hand before she fell into the street and got run over by a car.
The time she and Doumeki made love for the first time.
They were young and inexperienced and more than enough embarrassment was shared between the two of them before they figured things out and made the act one of the most bonding and amazing experiences either of them had ever had. Just the thought of that one moment was enough to tear Watanuki's broken heart again, crying out in emotional pain.
The time she told him that she was bound to the shop.
Doumeki hadn't blown up at her (though she wished he had), he just stared at her, the hurt plain in his eyes. She couldn't go outside anymore and he couldn't live alongside her. He'd age, grow old and die. She wouldn't. He'd change and she wouldn't. Watanuki had broken it up between them right then and there, adding injury to insult for both of them, but she knew their love wouldn't work between them for long, a few years maybe, before her immortality tore them apart. She didn't want to hold him back, but he wanted to stay by her side. He gave her one last kiss before leaving for the day. She thought he'd never come back. She'd cried herself to sleep that night, wrapped up in Yuko's favorite kimono that smelled like her pipe tobacco, wishing and wishing that she hadn't done what she'd just done. Wishing that he'd come back for her, even for just a little while. It seemed that the cosmos was on her side that night, and when morning broke, her wish was granted without her own powers. She was and wasn't surprised when Doumeki showed up at her doorstep the next day, school bag and groceries tucked under one arm and his usual stone-faced expression plastered to his face. But she could see small signs that he had been crying last night. There were dark circles under his eyes, his cheeks were still a bit red, but he didn't say anything, just established a routine of bringing food for her to cook and nights of long talks and lots of drinking. They both knew they still loved each other, but he could move on and she couldn't. He did move on, married Kohane and lived a long happy life, but still came over to visit and drink her dry. They brought their child with them – a son – and Watanuki had many lively evenings watching the boy run around her shop with Maru and Moro and Mokona. And with Doumeki. He was a doting father, quiet and thoughtful and never missed a chance to teach his son how to tease Watanuki.
They kissed only one other time in all those years, when he came to her shop to say his last goodbye.
The old, wrinkly Doumeki was all grown up and hobbling to her doorstep like he did every day. Watanuki had thrown open her doors and helped him inside, taking off his shoes for him before leading him to octagonal tower where they could sit and drink tea and sake. They'd chatted for hours, sharing in each other's company. He may have looked old on the outside, but to Watanuki, Doumeki was just as young as ever, just as strong, just in a different way.
They'd been silent for a short period of time, each of them musing over thoughts they might or might not want to share, all the trivial talk and family matters having been hashed out over the course of a dozen drinks and three bottles of sake and a pot of tea. Watanuki held up her western teacup, tracing her eyes over the swirls and fleur-de-lis patters etched into its surface. She let the quiet speak between them, listening to Doumeki's thick breathing, her eyes roving over his wrinkles, his gnarled hands and his deep eyes. He seemed to be watching her in the same manner, probably looking at the face he'd looked at for the past seventy years. The same face that he'd met long ago when they were both young and foolish (Watanuki being the more foolish out of both of them). Finally, the silence broke. He spoke first.
"Watanuki, I came here today to say goodbye." She dropped her teacup, the porcelain shattering, tea dotting her form-fitting robes. Doumeki never said goodbye because he came back every day so there was no reason to say goodbye. Tears instantly sprang to her eyes. She knew this day would come; she just wasn't ready for it, no matter how she told herself that it would, eventually.
"You can't mean that, Shizuka. You still have years ahead of you!" She said with a shaky smile, her long fingers trembling over her broken cup. She cut herself on a sharp shard but ignored it, letting what was left of her tea run across the table and drip onto the floor.
"No, my time's coming. I won't be able to come to the shop anymore. My son will take over for me. He'll be here for you. And you still have Mokona and Maru and Moro." His raspy voice was thick, like he was trying to hold back tears. "It's time I joined Kohane, Kimihiro. She's waiting for me. This old man's tired." Doumeki ran his hands through his gray hair. Watanuki started shaking her head, biting her lip.
"No, no, no, no, no…" She started crying in earnest now, the thought of losing her closest companion again threatening to overwhelm her. The raven may be a magnificent witch in her own right, an immortal with powers far beyond the imagination, but inside she was a strange mix of frightened teenager and aged adult and right now, the teenager was winning. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly; trying to keep from bawling in front of the man she was supposed to be strong for. The squeaking of a chair and the slow footsteps of her friend made their way over to her and a gentle hand was placed on her shoulder. The seer's hand came up and gripped his gnarled one tightly, her only lifeline as her emotions took hold. She burrowed her face into his chest, sobbing into the fabric of his shirt, clinging to him. "Don't leave me, Shizuka…what will I do? What will I do when you're gone? I don't want to lose you too! Not like everyone else…not like Wari…not like Kohane…not like…Yuko…no, I-I c-cant…" She choked on her words, her voice barely a whisper. His free hand came up and stroked her head, gently trying to sooth her.
"You will keep on living. You will keep granting wishes for people. And when you're ready, we'll all be waiting for you." The old archer whispered quietly.
"Doumeki, you idiot!" She wailed, completely losing control as her oldest friend held her close. "I hate you! I hate you! Why do you have to be such a bastard even when you're old?" She fell back on insults, almost every word she said meaning the exact opposite."You're so annoying…" Her voice faded out, curse words still spilling out but Doumeki didn't seem to mind, just kept stroking her hair.
"I will miss your cooking, though. Still the best I've ever had." That made Watanuki hiccup as she cried, the hand on her head moving to rub her neck and back. "Though the nagging and insults I won't miss. You really knew how to hurt a guy, you know that?" Watanuki laughed despite her grief. She could feel Doumeki smile above her. "But now you'll have to look out for yourself, so no getting into trouble like you used to. I won't be able to save you anymore so you need to be cautious."
"How can you be so calm at a time like this?" Watanuki asked between sobs, finally looking up at the man she loved. What she didn't expect and expected were the tears running down his wrinkly face. The sight of the strongest person she knew crying brought on a new wave of sadness and tears. Watanuki reached up to wipe them away and Doumeki took her hand when she was finished.
"I'm not. I am very sad that I'm leaving you behind. But I will always be with you, okay?" Watanuki nodded even though she didn't feel like agreeing with him. "I'm going to miss you too." He pulled her in as tight as his old arms could. She rested on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
"I love you, Shizuka. I always have."
"I love you too, Kimihiro. I wish we could've been together always." Watanuki looked up again and reached up to kiss him, their lips touching briefly.
"I'm sorry I screwed that up." She smiled softly, referring to their one-time romance, tears still running down her face. Now it was his turn to wipe her face, his deep bronze eyes shining.
"I'd expect nothing less from you. You were always messing things up."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence." They shared a chuckle and stayed in each other's arms, the warmth of each body all the comfort either of them needed. In that moment, years reversed and both of them were just teens again, each holding the other after Watanuki had almost gotten eaten by a spirit again, hearts beating fast and hard through both chests. That incident was just scary as this final goodbye was, both Watanuki and Doumeki heading in different, unknown paths and both starting out alone. They didn't want to let go. So just for another moment…and another…and another…until all the moments ran out. But the time comes when people have to let go, they both knew that.
They left the cold tea where it was, long forgotten, and the witch of the shop led her constant companion to the door, making him sit his creaking body into a chair so she could put on his shoes for him. Then, she helped him stand and gently pushed open the door so they could walk out together. Watanuki walked Doumeki to the edge of the shop with her best bottle of sake in his hands, stopping just inside the gate. They stood in silence for a moment, trying to prolong the inevitable.
"For all the trouble you are, I'm glad I met you, Kimihiro." Doumeki said softly.
"It was inevitable." She said cryptically. They smiled at the old words. "But I'm glad I met you too." With that, Doumeki took a step outside the shop. He took another and Watanuki's heart lurched. She reached out, snagging his shirt before he was out of her range. He stopped. The words, "Don't go," hung on her lips, but she knew she couldn't say them, the one wish she couldn't grant. Doumeki waited for her patiently, just like he always did.
"I wish I could say more, thank you more for everything you've ever done for me, tell you so many more things, but…but…"
"There's no need. I already know." And he did, she knew that. She knew that he knew everything she was trying to express without her ever having to do it. He was even probably seeing through their shared eye right now, her emotions were so out of whack. Her thoughts were confirmed when his hand came up and covered her right eye, the brassy one that he gave up for her. "Did I always look this old?"
"No," She chuckled, "You're as young as you ever were."
"Good. Make me some salmon rolls next time I visit."
"What am I? You're personal chef?" She smiled and he smiled softly as well. "If nothing else, I'll have tons of alcohol lying around now. I won't know what to do with it all without you to drink it!" They shared a chuckle again, drawing out the moment.
"Only half as much as you think. You drink heavily too, Watanuki. Even though you're a lightweight most of the time." Doumeki jabbed back. They were quiet for a moment, the seconds passing endless on into the darkness.
"Goodbye, Shizuka." Was all she whispered, everything else already said.
"Goodbye, Kimihiro." And with that, Doumeki walked out into the street, waving one last time before disappearing beyond the bounds of the shop. Watanuki watched her old lover leave for the last time, hand waving to him long after he'd gone.
A week later she received a regular, not-so-regular call from Doumeki's son, informing her that Shizuka had passed away. His voice was thick, liked he'd been crying and Watanuki could hear cries of grief from the Doumeki's extended family through the phone. She listened quietly to Doumeki's description of his father's death: he'd died in his sleep, and in the morning, his still body had been found alone in the temple. He'd be buried with his wife in the next few days and Doumeki offered his condolences for the witch's own lose. Watanuki replied in kind. He said something else, but she wasn't listening anymore. Watanuki just nodded even though he couldn't see her. It was just like Doumeki to go quietly, without much fuss. Tears sprang to the normally aloof shop keeper's eyes as she forced down her sobs, stifling her grief. She was done crying over the matter. She hung up, the phone gently clicking into the receiver as she stood, her mind void of wishes and cooking meals and anything else trivial in her life. She was empty now, her spirit fleeing into grief that she didn't allow to come. If it swallowed her, it would destroy her. All she could think about was Doumeki. Doumeki, Doumeki, Doumeki. Now she'd lost everyone she'd grown up with until the seer had become immortal. Yuko…Wari…Kohane…and Doumeki. But it was inevitable.
Watanuki banged her head against the headboard, trying to dislodge those heart-wrenching moments, trying to stop the tears rolling down her face. She was supposed to be over this! She'd lost so many people, but she still felt the pain after all this time. Why?! Why does it have to be this way?! Haven't I suffered enough?! Haven't I live without the comfort of friends or family for long enough already? Why does it still hurt so much? Why can't the pain just go away?!
I'd die to be where you are…
I tried to be where you are…
The first few weeks after Doumeki's death she'd been a ghost of her formal self, wandering around the shop listlessly and staring at the ceiling while lethargically sprawled on the floor. She didn't want to do anything and so she hadn't, confining her tears to her bedroom only. The younger Doumeki had come over after the funeral, looking ragged and worn out, but he had her groceries in his hands, dutifully taking up his father's job. He loved Watanuki, in his own way, but it just wasn't the same. The nights drinking just weren't the same and he'd never stay too long like he had, heading back to his family before the night even really got started. But she knew it had to be like that. He wasn't her Doumeki, so she shouldn't expect him to act like Shizuka. She got used to his son taking care of her. Got used to the stilted conversations and the two rounds of drinks before the goodbye and the promise to come back in the next day or so. Got used to the time alone in the shop. Got used to the empty room where Shizuka would sleep when he'd be with her until three in the morning. Got used to not being called by Kohane in the morning, wondering if her husband was there. Got used to not being needed by her friends. However, that only came after hell had passed through the shop.
The seer couldn't stand it. Doumeki's son was great, but he just wasn't him. He also had his own life and couldn't find a ton of time just to talk with his father's friend and when he did, there was always a slight gap between them, the fact that he was talking to a woman as old as his father (who watched him wet the bed and grow up, watched him play in the halls of her shop and even granted a wish of his) but still looked like his own daughter. That's when Watanuki started trying to die, despite her wish to see Yuko again.
She stopped leaving her room, stopped seeing visitors, customers and Doumeki, stopped eating, wasted away. She was a body empty of life and only that pain she brought upon herself could quell the void growing inside her. She was trying to get back to him, to them. I can't live without you, no matter how hard I try. I want to be where you are. I want to be with you…I wish to be with you. Watanuki laid on her bed, not moving, her already thin body even more emaciated by the lack of food, her skin waxy, her mismatched eyes sunken into her head. But still she couldn't die. It was agony, her body trying to keep her living despite not having any food, the constant aches and pains, but still she wouldn't die. Maru and Moro and Mokona were all frantic to do something, but they couldn't get Watanuki to eat, they couldn't get her up, even with all their pleading and crying and threatening (in Mokona's case). Finally the younger Doumeki had to step in and take charge, reminding her that his father wanted her to keep on living. It was hard, getting used to food again, to cooking again to living again, but she did it. She had to take care of Mokona, Maru and Moro and they had to take care of her now.
Soon they were all living like they used too, causing trouble and granting wishes like the best of them. But still, Watanuki carried a sadness with her that just wouldn't leave her alone until she locked it up tight with the death of the second Doumeki. She wasn't ever going to let grief get the better of her again. She was going to get used to letting people go, at saying goodbye. Even if she had to keep them at a distance. She still felt grief, but it wouldn't overwhelm her. Or so she told herself.
Every night I dream you're still here..,
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear…
When I awake, you disappear…
Back to the shadows…
With all I hold, dear…
With all I hold, dear…
I dream you're still here…
Watanuki kept banging her head against the headboard, trying to block out the memories until she finally passed out, too exhausted to continue. But still the memories persisted, even in her dreams.
She was standing in the school yard, waiting for someone. The old school looked the same as it always did. Watanuki looked down and saw her old school uniform with the gray jacket and dark skirt. She was holding her school bag and the empty bento boxes she always seemed to be carrying around. Watanuki tapped her foot in irritation, her annoyance for having to wait starting to show. He's late! Where is that bastard? She swung her head from side to side, looking for whoever she was waiting for, her short hair waving it its pony tail. She held up her wrist, checking the underside for her watch. He was really late. She leaned against the building, watching all the other students leave for the day now that club activities were over. The sun was low in the sky now, and she was ready to scream in frustration. The foot tapping sped up, her shoes hitting the pavement harder.
"Oi." That one word flipped her switch as Doumeki walked up.
"What the hell took you so long, dumbass?!" She shouted. Doumeki leaned away, his hands clasped over his ears in preparation for the onslaught.
"Got held up. Thanks for waiting." He started walking away and that ticked her off even more.
"Do you know how long I've been standing here?" She nagged, starting to follow him. "The least you could've done was warn me beforehand that you were going to be a bonehead! You could've told me that you might take longer, that way I could've talked with Wari more!" Watanuki stomped next to the archer, smoke coming from her ears.
"Cool it. I'm here now."
"Shut up. I'm still mad at you if you couldn't tell." She huffed. "Yuko's going to kill me for being late."
"Its fine, Watanuki. She'll understand." The brunette leaned down and gave the girl a kiss on the cheek to cheer her up. A pang of grief suddenly hit the girl. This isn't right. Something's wrong about all of this. Watanuki stopped walking, her brain going a million miles a minute. Doumeki stopped and turned to look at her, worry in his eyes. "Watanuki? What's wrong?"
The girl was shaking, watching the boy in front of her. The one who shouldn't exist anymore. He's gone. He left me! So why is he here? The boy walked back to her, placing his warm hand on her cheek, softly stroking her face. He leaned down to look her in the eyes, his brassy eyes boring into her own mismatched pair. It's so real. But he can't be here. He's dead. My Doumeki doesn't exist anymore! Shizuka's gone! This Doumeki was still talking to her, his breath ghosting against her skin but she shook her head, his words getting fogged up on the way to her brain. It didn't matter what he said, it was all lies.
"Get away from me! You're not Doumeki!" Her arm came up to slap his hands away and she started running.
"What are you talking about? Watanuki!" He was running after her. She didn't want him too.
"Go away! You're not real! You're not supposed to be here! Get away from me!" She screamed back, running to the shop, her safe haven. Yuko would know what to do about this, even if it cost a hefty price to get rid of the imposter she'd do it. "You're dead! You're dead and you left me alone! You're dead! Dead!"
"Watanuki!"
"Stop saying my name!" She shouted, picking up speed. The faster she got to the shop, the faster he'd be gone. As she ran, she could hear him still trying to catch her, and gaining on her.
"Kimihiro!" He yelled, his voice echoing strangely in the air. Watanuki's eyes widened at her first name. She skidded to a halt, heart beating franticly. He caught up to her, standing next to her but not touching.
"No…no one ever uses my first name except him…are you really him?" She didn't want her heart broken again, even if this was a dream. Even if it was a nightmare.
"Kimihiro…it's me." He reached out and took her hand, his warm fingers clasping around her own. Then Doumeki gently led the girl to the shop, taking the walk one step at a time. She was busy trying to keep her heart locked up, trying to shut him out again so she didn't get hurt, but…he was acting the way he always did, taking each of her moods in stride, helping her out when she needed it. That's what her Shizuka did and he was doing the exact same thing. They made it to the shop, down the walk, up the stairs and through the door. She was waiting for them, like she always was.
Yuko led them inside silently, her long robes and hair trailing behind her, much like Watanuki's own. Maybe that's why the seer had grown out her hair, because it reminded her of Yuko, just like her clothes did. They stopped in the dining room, the doors open to the setting sun and the yard beyond the porch. They sat down at the small table, all six long legs somehow finding space among each other. Watanuki finally looked up, seeing the people she loved most for the millionth time. Even if this was another dream, it was a good one. Until it ended, of course, because when it ended, she'd be all alone again, waking up in the shop that held so many memories of them in their absence. Doumeki was looking at her with his dead pan, but his eyes were worried. Yuko was watching with her mysterious smile on her red lips, her chin resting on her hand as she smoked. Her eyes followed every movement, but she never said a word. They say like that for a few minutes, each looking at the other. Watanuki was so happy to see them again that her spirit soared, her heart beat faster until she was sure it would burst. But if this was a dream, she'd eventually have to wake up and then they'd be gone again, she had to remind herself of that again. It would hurt. So she wrestled her feelings down, years of not letting them torment her coming into play. But she had to say something. She had to let them know how much it meant to her to see them again. To see the woman she trusted, the one she lost first after all these years. To see the man she loved once and lost after a lifetime of companionship. She had to say something. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. The words caught in her throat, air trapped in her throat. She swallowed and tried again, brassy and cranberry eyes watching her as she struggled.
"Shizuka…Yuko…I-" Suddenly the floor dropped out beneath them and the trio fell into darkness. Watanuki screamed, but stopped when she realized that they were floating in the blackness. "What the hell-" Yuko flew right past her, taking it all in with her usual grace. Robes drifting behind her, the dimensional witch glided along like she was walking on her porch. Doumeki wasn't doing badly either, just walking along like they were going to school. Watanuki on the other hand, was tripping all over her feet, not able to steady herself.
"Whoa, what-whoa!" She stumbled, still wondering how the hell they were walking at all. The seer tried to take another step and tripped, crashing to something like the ground but not the ground and rolling head over heels. When she finally stopped – with a groan and rubbing her head – she looked up and was surprised at her friends' new appearance.
Yuko was in a different kimono now, her butterfly one. The white kimono was paired with a pink under robe and the yellow and purple butterfly wings taking the place of the obi, all of it as graceful and beautiful as Yuko herself had been. Doumeki on the other hand, was wearing an outfit Watanuki had never seen him in: a purple kimono top with a black triangle pattern, green striped hamaka, a feather patterned cloak and a black arm guard the extended from the wrist of his right arm, over his shoulder and was tied under the opposite armpit. It was like his archery clothes, but not like them at the same time. The seer then looked down at herself and realized she was in a new set of clothing herself. It was the robes she wore the last time she met Yuko in a dream, all done in black and white. She was wearing a white, long sleeved top with long coat tails, loose white pants, black Chinese doll shoes, and a black, clasped over-top that had sleeves falling past her elbows, but not all the way to her wrists and coat tails that swished with her white ones.
"What's going on now?" She asked, but it seemed Doumeki wasn't talking anymore and Yuko was as silent as ever. She took a shaky step towards them, but two pairs of eyes looked back at her in sadness. Yuko shook her head and put her hand up, like she was trying to stop the younger sorceress. Douemki blinked slowly and then turned his head away. Watanuki looked at them in confusion, and then it finally clicked. "It's because I'm still alive, isn't it? You're both fine here because you've moved on while I can't seem to stand up straight. You're silent now because you can't talk to me in the real world. This went from being my dream to being a dream-reality, one where I can't get to you." The dream-walker sighed, her own information of dreamscapes filling in the gaps. "Then there's no point in me staying here any longer." Her eyes welled with tears, blurring the images of her loved ones.
Silence.
"But I don't want to leave, is that bad of me to want that?" Watanuki shook her head, closing her eyes so her tears escaped. She couldn't believe that she'd such a fool. Even when she told herself that nothing would come of this dream, she just had to let it go on, enchanted with the idea that she could be with them again. The witch looked at Yuko who was shaking her head again, this time with a smile. Doumeki was looking at her again his stone face just a bit softer.
People can wish for whatever they want. Whether it be happiness or unhappiness. Yuko had told her that once, maybe twice. Watanuki had learned what that meant long ago, but now she knew she was wishing for both happiness and unhappiness at the same time, wanting this bittersweet, short reunion with her most beloved people to go one forever, even if they could never touch, never speak again. It was all she ever wanted, now that the real thing was out of her reach, forever unattainable to her reaching hands.
"Then I'll stay a while, at least until I wake." She nodded, wiping away her tears. She'd make the best of this in the dream world and maybe find some peace in the real world as well.
They stood, looking at each other. Watanuki studied their faces – so real, so life like – and yet, she knew deep down that this closeness they shared in this moment wouldn't last much longer. She'd wake up and they'd disappear again. A single tear escaped down her cheek at the thought, the words, "I'm so sorry," slipping past her lips. They knew what she meant. She knew they understood her, understood that she regretting living on without them, in her own way. "I'll get to you eventually, just wait for me." Yuko smiled again, a mysterious glint in her eyes, before she started walking away an eternity later, Doumeki following her. They looked back at a shaking Watanuki holding back her tears once again before being swallowed up by the darkness.
She opened her eyes, the dream fading back into the shadows of her mind, taking both of them away once again. She was crying now – pathetic, her silent tears falling onto her pillow in dark spots. She threw her arm over her face so no one saw them, hiding her sadness behind skin and bone. It was quiet for a few moments; the only noise heard was the seer trying to stifle her sobs.
"It was so real…" Watanuki lifted up her arm, reaching to the ceiling, like she could pull them back to her. Her chest ached, her eyes here swollen and she knew she didn't look like the shop owner she portrayed herself to be, but all the same she got up when Maru and Moro came skipping in.
"Watanuki!~ Watanuki!~" They chanted. "Born on April First!~ It's time for the mistress to get up!~" The twins crashed into her bedroom, making a ruckus with their happy voices.
"Watanuki!~ Time to eat!" Mokona dived bombed her face, but the girl was too quick and put a foot up to stop him. "I ulso ant ake!" The black pork bun said behind her foot.
"You're not drinking this early in the morning." The shop keeper sighed, getting the kinks out of her neck while Maru and Moro grabbed her kimono she left on the floor and put it away. Then the twins grabbed a new outfit, one with flowing pants tightened around the ankles, and an over robe split into two pieces like a long loin cloth and long sleeves. They helped their mistress into the maroon clothes and clasped the high neck with a pop. Watanuki shook her head, erasing all the discomfort from last night and letting her long, black hair cascade down her back in its messy order. She grabbed her glasses and her pipe, placing the first on her nose and the second in her mouth, lighting it with a match she'd left by the table days ago. She then kissed Maru on the forehead and then Moro.
"I was first!" The blue haired girl cheered.
"I was first yesterday!" The pink haired girl pointed out.
"I was first the day before that!" Maru argued lightly.
"I was first the day before that!" Moro replied.
"How about pancakes this morning, hm?" Watanuki asked, humming around her pipe. She stopped the innocent one-up-man-ship before it exploded into full on bickering.
"Pancakes!~ Pancakes!~ Watanuki's making pancakes!~" Maru and Moro cheered, running down the hallway and into the kitchen, Maru's long hair trailing behind her. Mokona took its customary place on the shop keeper's shoulder and yawned hugely. Watanuki walked behind her assistants slowly, regaining all her allure that she'd allow to crack all last night. You are the shop owner, successor to the dimensional witch and one of the most powerful sorcerers in all the worlds. The seer reminded herself who she was while she whipped up pancake batter with the clatter of her family behind her. You're also a badass cook, yeah. The whole time it felt as if a presence was watching over her shoulder, but every time the witch looked back, all she saw was Mokona balancing dishes on its head and Maru and Moro running around grabbing more to throw onto the creature. Watanuki broke that up before any one the dishes shattered. When the pancakes were finished, Watanuki set them on the table and the four of them shared a meal, each fighting over who got the last of the strawberries and wondering if there was more syrup in one of the cupboards. Maru and Moro poured a portion of their syrup onto Watanuki's pancakes to cheer her up, acknowledging that they'd probably seen their mistress crying last night while she slept. The raven smiled at the girls and patted their head's simultaneously so they didn't start fighting again. Once the girls were finished, they skipped off to play some games while it was still quiet in the shop.
"Watanuki's sad." Mokona deduced, sucking another of the extra pancakes into its gullet.
"What makes you say that?" Watanuki asked briskly, daintily placing the last forkful of light, fried batter into her mouth.
"You were sniffling all night." Mokona pointed out, jumping up to gulp the next bite off of Watanuki's fork.
"Mind your own business." She stated dully, not wanting to reopen that can of worms.
"Your business is my business." The black pork bun shot back. "Is it because it's that day?"
"Shut up and help me clean." Watanuki stood up to change the subject but when she turned to gather plates, Mokona had disappeared, along with the rest of the pancakes. "Stupid thing. Vaporizes at the first sign of work." The eternal teen cleaned up the kitchen to perfection before heading out into the shop proper. She lounged on Yuko's couch, smoking away at her pipe and letting her clothes drape appealingly around her. An hour later a customer arrived, and Maru and Moro escorted the girl in. The wish was simple enough and as Watanuki dismissed the girl twenty minutes later, she knew that if the girl followed her instructions, she should turn out just fine. The girl lounged on Yuko's couch, puffing her pipe as she wandered through her brain, checking up on business in other worlds, other dimensions.
Hidden companion…
Phantom be still in my heart…
Make me a promise that….
Time won't erase us….
That we were not lost from the start…
Watanuki sighed hours later, and stretched her long legs, the kimono she was wearing cascading off of her skin. She noticed the shop was quiet, the usual hubbub absent. Maru and Moro had been quiet for a while, probably taking a nap to replenish their strength to keep the shop grounded and if Watanuki knew Mokona, the fur ball would be passed out with them, a bottle of sake in his arms like a teddy bear. Feeling lonely, Watanuki slid off her couch, her robes fixing themselves around her hips and legs, and swished out of her receiving room. She wandered the rooms of the shop without really thinking about anything. Eventually her feet led her to the back of her home, to an almost unnoticeable door tucked in a corner. When Watanuki realized where she was, the sadness from last came crashing down on her again, but this time she gathered it up with her iron will and held it in the back of her mind. But the almost-tears still didn't go away.
"Since I'm here…" She whispered, "I might as well go in." Watanuki took the cold knob of the door and slowly turned it before opening the room. It was dark inside, candles flaring up as Watanuki's presence was detected. She hadn't entered this room for months, the last time being Wari's birthday and Yuko's supposed birthday before that. It should be dusty, it should be covered with cobwebs and have and air of neglect, but it didn't. The room was as clean as the last time Watanuki had cleaned it and the air smelled faintly of sandalwood, vanilla and jasmine, each of her most favorite person's preferred scents. There were many, many pictures in this room, all set up with their own little alters, each having an untouched offering and incense sticks. It was hazy in the room, like Watanuki or Yuko had been smoking. Watanuki walked through the pictures, taking time to stop and pay her condolences to each face. Every Doumeki caretaker and relatives that had died was there, along with some of Watanuki's school friends and more importantly, Watanuki's closest friends were there too.
Kohane's picture was smiling softly, like she had a secret that no one knew about. Wari was grinning too, sharing his happiness with anyone who looked at him. Yuko's picture was one Watanuki had dug out of an old trunk she'd found, painted by someone that Watanuki suspected had lived on another world, but it was a magnificent piece of work of the witch wearing black and red robes with moons embroidered on them. It was the only picture of Yuko Watanuki had ever been able to find. However, she passed by all these pictures quickly, stopping at the one she really needed to see. Doumeki's face looked like it normally did, emotionless, but still handsome. Only his eyes expressed anything he might have been feeling underneath. He'd been twenty five at the time that Watanuki had taken the picture, sitting on her porch drinking sake for an intimate flower viewing party. He had been so happy to be with her, she knew that now, and she'd been happy too. It was in moments like those that Watanuki forgot just how much time would separate them, and now had. The witch kneeled at his altar and took out a new pair on incense sticks and lit them, the smoke wavering as new air ghosted into the room from the open door. Watanuki stared at Shizuka's face for a few minutes, memorizing every line, staring into his eyes. She was crying again, and this time, she let herself cry quietly.
The witch clapped her hands together, praying that Doumeki was safe, wherever he was and that he was with his wife and family…that he was happy. Shizuka, I miss you so much. I knew that this was what it was going to be like when you were gone; I just didn't think that I wouldn't be able to get over you. But I guess that's the way it's supposed to be. When you love someone very much, they never really leave you, just like you haven't left me. You're always there beside me, especially when I cook. I can almost hear you voice demanding more food or tea and sometimes it really irritates me…and then I remember that you're not really there, and I'm just being a senile old lady. How pathetic is that? Watanuki chucked at herself, placing the heel of her hand on her forehead as she kept crying. "I've been a mess for a little bit, but you probably know that. I just can't seem to really get myself together today, but that's to be expected on a day like this, isn't it? I'm supposed to cry, right? I'm supposed to hurt and be angry and sad all at the same time. So why does it feel like I'm just being a big baby, huh? Why do I keep expecting you to insult me at every turn when you've been dead for so long? Why am I still clinging onto you? Am I really just that desperate? You're still here. You're still with me, even after all this time, right? We can't be erased, right? We can't be over, even after so many years, right?" Watanuki sobbed, her hand falling over her eyes as she hiccupped. She felt someone touch her shoulder, a warm hand. Her head snapped up and looked to see who it was, but no one was there.
"Shizuka…?" She whispered. No answer came, just the silence of the dead surrounding her. "You still love me, right?" She whispered to the quiet, half-believing that he was in the room, standing right next to her. She heard nothing, but she felt something. Warmth blossomed in her chest, growing with each passing second. Even if it wasn't him and it was just her own consciousness trying to comfort her, Watanuki let herself believe that the warmth she felt was Shizuka's answer. Yes, he still loved her. He would always love her, just like she loved him. No amount of time would change that. No distance would make it fade. No separation could sever their bond.
Watanuki lay down on the ground, the warmth in her chest still there. She lay down next to all her friends and pretended to all the world that she was dead too, falling asleep again.
In this dream, she touched down at the Doumeki temple, her bare feet scattering cherry blossoms. She looked up at the clouds of pink that were blooming around her, smiling. She felt a hand on her shoulder, for real this time and turned to see Shizuka. He was smiling softly, and Yuko was right behind him, waving teasingly at the young couple. Wari was sitting on the porch with Kohane, both of them in a lively conversation. Shizuka took her hand and led her to the steps as well and Yuko joined them. They all shared tea like they used too and this time Watanuki could talk with them. They talked about stupid stuff, embarrassing stuff and normal stuff. It didn't really matter what they talked about, as long as they all sat together under the cherry blossoms for just a while longer, a minute longer. Watanuki smiled at all of them, the dream turning hazy all too soon.
The witch knew that someone was going to visit her. She roused herself from her dream and rubbed her eyes before putting her glasses securely on her nose again. She sat up, brushing off her robes and looking around her. She was still alone in the picture room, but she felt like someone else had been there with her. Watanuki smiled just a little, still carrying some of the warmth that she'd felt a short time ago and stood up, walking out the door and shutting it behind her with once last glance at those whom she'd lost already. More people could join them soon, but she needn't worry about that now. Everything would happen in due time. That was inevitability.
Every night I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold, dear
With all I hold, dear
I dream you're still here
Mokona was waiting for her as she emerged from the picture room.
"We're going to have a guest tonight, so I think we'd better bring out some sake and snacks." Watanuki said, looking down at the fur ball.
"Yahoo! Sake!" The creature cheered, hopping off to the storehouse to pick out some drinks.
"Now…what should I make?" Watanuki wandered off to the kitchen to plan for her visitor, seeking some normalcy in her unstable emotional state. The tears never really faded after that, they just sat in the corners of her eyes as she washed rice and cooked and ordered Mokona to take back half the bottles of alcohol that it had managed to drag into the shop, saying that thirty bottles was way too much, even for the three of them, but yes, if they drank them all then getting more would be an option.
Not an hour later, Sayaka Doumeki was standing in her genkan, holding her groceries and even more snacks for the evening.
"Yo." He said, greeting Mokona.
"Yo!" The fur ball said back. "She's been expecting you."
"I know." The young man replied, taking off his shoes. Sayaka walked down the hallway and out onto Watanuki's favorite porch. She was sitting, her legs swinging back and forth, rustling her maroon kimono. Her hair wasn't done up in its usual elaborate twists and buns, but instead was pulled into a simple high pony tail, a hair do that Sayaka had come to know was one from her school days, back when she met his great grandfather. He sat down next to the witch, watching her as she smoked.
"Good evening, Sayaka." Watanuki greeted her friend.
"Good evening, Watanuki." He replied in kind, taking a cup from the tray she'd placed behind their seats. He held out his glass and she obliged by filling it with sake, carefully pouring while holding her sleeve back with her other hand, her pipe sitting in the mouth. She set the bottle down after she filled her own cup and both of them sat in companionable silence. They didn't need to speak, it wasn't necessary if neither of them knew what to say. Sayaka knew that today was hard on Watanuki without having to ask, so he didn't. He just sat by her like he always had until she was ready to say something, if she was ever ready. An hour passed in the quiet night, the only sounds coming from Mokona eating as Sayaka talked with the creature. Watanuki just watched them, smoking her pipe, lost in her own thoughts until she finally spoke to her companion.
"You look exactly like him, you know." Watanuki said off-handedly to Sayaka.
"Yes, I have heard that my great-grandfather looks like me." The young man replied, glancing over at the witch, knowing exactly who she was talking about.
"It's the other way around! You look like him!" Watanuki snapped, blowing smoke in the young man's face. "I used to have to tell you great-grandfather that as well. He was under the impression that his grandfather looked like him instead of him looking like his grandfather. What a pair you two are. I don't know why I put up with you." The seer puffed a train of smoked into the air, watching it sway back and forth. "Whatever. Come help bring out more snacks before Mokona starts complaining about the lack of food." Sayaka got up as Watanuki stood and swept back into the shop and called out Maru and Moro to help bring out a table for them. The two girls ran around the shop, following their mistress' orders. Watanuki handed Sayaka more bottle of alcohol to take back out with him while she grabbed more plates of snacks, refusing to look him in the eye.
Every night I dream you're still here…
Sayaka walked out onto the porch, bundled up in his jacket and sat down on the porch in the cool March air. Watanuki smiled softly and brought the snacks outside while Maru and Moro brought a little table with more warmed shirozake on it. The twins giggled and danced around the pair as they sat down, Watanuki rearranging her kimono as she tucked her legs under her. The pipe was placed on the table as the witch took a hishimochi rice cake and popped it in her mouth. Sayaka had already taken three and downed another cup of sake. Watanuki rolled her eyes, almost feeling as if her Doumeki was here. Sayaka looked over at his companion's mysterious smile and gave it a blank stare. Watanuki ignored him and took her own cup of sake and sipped at it. She gazed up at the round, full moon, its silky light falling on the porch so that they didn't need any other light. Maru and Moro ran into the shop and then back with the dolls that Watanuki had purchased for them for the festival. The seer glanced at her charges and smiled even brighter, her glasses glinting cheerfully.
"You're happy today." Sayaka stated bluntly. Watanuki yanked herself away from the twins' play and looked her companion in the eye.
"And why would I not be?" She asked, her face becoming the mysterious mask it usually was.
"You were not happy yesterday when I visited. I could tell. And Mokona told me you had a rough night." Behind the stone face, Sayaka's eyes held concern for Watanuki. The seer scowled.
"That fur ball needs to shut his mouth."
"Are you okay?" He asked cautiously, knowing that Watanuki was still liable to blowing up, even if she seemed mature and collected on the surface. All she did was sigh, look away and puff on her pipe, her face unreadable. To Sayaka, that meant that she didn't know if she was okay or not, she just was what she was. "Is it because it's his birthday?"
"I used to tease your great-grandfather about his birthday, how it was on the day of the Girl's Festival and the fact that his grandfather dressed him in kimono when he was a child so that he'd become more 'manly.'" Watanuki chuckled, remembering her failed attempts to make Shizuka embarrassed with that information. "He never reacted like I wanted him too, but it was one of very few jabs I could find to get back at him."
"Hmm." Sayaka replied. Watanuki nearly started crying again right then and there because it was painful to her that Doumeki's great-grandson acted so much like him. It hurt that he looked the same, talked the same and even ate just as much as the deceased Doumeki did! Watanuki hid behind her glasses, willing the tears to go away. She was never this emotional for this long! It was beginning to wear on her mental capacities and she was sick of the tears constantly springing into her eyes. It could really hurt her image as a powerful witch. I never saw Yuko act like this! Watanuki chastised herself as she took another cup of shirozake, avoiding looking at her not-Shizuka. They didn't talk much after that, but it was nice to have someone to drink with, especially on a night like this one.
Soon she was alone, Sayaka taking his leave once the night became too late. At least he left some sake for her, unlike Shizuka used to do. He'd drink every last drop before Watanuki could stop him and was left to clean up the empty bottles. Watanuki was outside still, her feet dangling over the side of the porch. Maru and Moro had fallen asleep in the dining room and Mokona had wandered off the kitchen to eat her out of house and home.
Watanuki sighed and leaned back on her hands, pipe in her mouth. She reached for her bottle of sake and poured herself a glass, tears trapped in the corner of her eyes. She tipped her head, the glint of her glasses hiding the tears before her eyes shone through the glass, sparkling with a bittersweet shine. She lifted her sake cup to the perfect full moon, a toast to its beauty and to toast someone else.
"Happy Birthday, my Shizuka."
A/N: That's *sniff* it! I really hope you liked *sobbed over* it because I did and I wrote the darn thing! Happy Birthday Shizuka!