Sara woke up in a cold sweat, nothing that surprised her. This wasn't an every night occurrence, although she can't even remember the last time she slept through the night. Usually her eyes will just flutter open at some point between two and three in the morning for no apparent reason and so she'll just roll over and go back to sleep. Other times it's a nightmare that causes this but she'll handle it exactly the same way. If the nightmares are bad then she'll wrap her arms around herself and calmly whisper to herself that everything is ok and that it was just a dream. Nightmares have haunted her ever since she got on that boat with Oliver, not to say she hasn't had a dreamless sleep since but they certainly have become less frequent. Most of the time, after all these years, she can forget whatever it was that she dreamed within moments of opening her eyes. So it's the ones that stick that are the bad ones.
Tonight was a very bad one.
It wasn't like many of the others, it wasn't one that she could sooth away simply by telling herself that it was just a dream. She tried of course but after what felt like an eternity (in reality it was maybe only twenty minutes) she decided that a glass of water might do her good.
She was very careful upon getting out of bed, both because she didn't want to wake Kendra and because climbing down from the top bunk in a pitch black room takes more skill then one might think. Not to say that she couldn't complete such a task with her eyes closed if she wanted to, just that it takes more thought in the dark. Anyway she made it down without any issues and quietly tiptoed over to the door where she, again, was careful not to wake Kendra as she slipped out.
If there was one thing that Snart has learned since joining Rip's crusade it's that he hates this place called the Temporal Zone. As if time travel isn't screwing with everyone's biological systems enough already this place outside of time just makes it worse. They can't get a regular schedule for anything. They don't know when it's day or night, because it's never either. It's just this constant vortex of nothingness. Most of the team had elected to head off straight for bed after the mission they'd just come off of, and really Snart couldn't blame any of them. Star City in 2046 was a place you'd want to forget having seen, especially if you're a good guy. So they had all gone off to bed, more likely than not hoping that when they woke up they'd each be told that the place where they crash-landed never existed and it had all been a bad dream. Of course everyone took some comfort in the fact that such a future may indeed never come to exist, and even if it does they had left it in the hands of two re-inspired heroes who should be able to turn it around. But that still wasn't enough to lift the slump the others seemed to have fallen in upon leaving the apocalyptic time and so bed had been the obvious answer.
But Len had opted to stay awake and sit on a barstool in the ship's small kitchen, tinkering with his cold gun. Even if he wanted to sleep he couldn't for two reasons; one, every time he falls asleep in the Temporal Zone he wakes up unpleasantly disoriented, and two, his thoughts are much to active for him to get any rest. He keeps thinking about what Mick said, about how this has changed for him. He wants to say that his partner has it all wrong, that not even one inch of him is interested in playing hero. But he can't completely convince himself of a lie like that anymore. He's been a thief his whole life, never really had another way to go.
But maybe that's the problem.
He was raised to be a thief and no one ever expected, never mind encouraged, anything else from him. He had been perfectly content with that, perfectly fine with his mission in life to consist of three things; avoiding all contact with his father, keeping Lisa out of contact with his father, and getting as rich as possible off stealing from others. But then Rip brought him here, and everything changed. Back in Central City, that moronic Barry Allen had tried convincing him to be a hero but he couldn't. He has a reputation in Central City, too many ties to the dark side. He never could've succeeded in being a hero there. But here, in a place where the only tie to his past is Mick, here he just might have fallen into it. He isn't sure what exactly put him on this path, hell he isn't even sure what path he's actually on, but he has a feeling that his and Mick's little disagreement in 2046 is only the beginning.
"Hey," A voice snapped Captain Cold from his thoughts and he looked up to see Sara entering the kitchen. "Can't sleep?" She asked as she filed through a cabinet for a cup.
"This place messes with me," Snart drawled out and she nodded, pressing her newly acquired cup against the water dispenser on the door of the fridge. "What about you?" He drawled and she shrugged.
"Just thirsty," she replied nonchalantly, taking a sip of her water. It was barely a sip he noticed, in fact she practically lowered the glass the second the liquid inside touched her lips.
"You know most people who climb down from the ceiling in what might as well be the middle of the night and then proceed to walk around a dark spaceship just for a glass of water are usually thirsty enough chug half a bottle," he commented with a smirk, which only became more satisfied as he watched Sara realize that he had just read through her front as if it were glass.
"I had a bad dream," she admitted, placing her cup onto the counter behind her and opening up the fridge.
"Anything you'd like to talk about?" Snart inquired,
"Nope," Came Sara's reply, her head still in the fridge. She pulled out empty handed but opened the freezer where she quickly located a tub of strawberry ice cream and pulled it out. "You want a bowl?" She asked Len, the freezer already closed, tub already on the counter, and her hand already scanning the cabinet where they kept the bowls.
"Sure why not," Len conceded; the next few minutes were silent as Sara scooped out the ice cream and handed Len his bowl, to which he gave a quiet but still audible thank you.
"So, why are you really awake?" She finally asked after a few minutes of them eating in silence, her spoon still partway in her mouth.
"I told you, this place messes with me." He continued to insist, and really that wasn't a lie. But even so he could tell by her face that she didn't believe it was his only reason. "I don't care about a lot of things or a lot of people, but Mick's my partner and before we left the apocalypse he threatened to burn me, and knowing Mick when he's out for revenge he'd make damn sure I didn't survive." He confessed, looking up he saw Sara looking thoughtful as she slowly slid her spoon out between her closed lips, making sure she got every bit of ice cream on it.
"Sucks," she finally said once the spoon was out of her mouth, Len couldn't help but chuckle.
"Yes it does," he agreed, "So there's my problem of the night, what about you?" He asked as he took another bite of his dessert.
"Hm, nice try." Sara hummed, stirring her spoon around the bowl like she was playing with the melting treat inside.
"It's called an eye for an eye," He drawled and for the first time since she came in her eyes settled on him. She leaned forward onto the counter despite the fact that she was sitting right next to him.
"I was pregnant," she said it so bluntly, so casually, and so seriously. For a moment all Len could bring himself to do was stare at her and she stared back. He could tell she was partially fighting a smirk, a laugh at how he was reacting. "That was my nightmare," She continued to confess; finally Len brought himself to blink but that was all that he could do. "The dream started out with me, obviously very pregnant, telling Ollie to shut up and that I could still kick his butt with two hands tied behind my back." She began, now she was avoiding his gaze by looking at the two hands she was anxiously wringing together. "Then it sort of jumped, to me screaming. At first I thought maybe it was a different dream but then I realized that I was having the baby, I started to wake up and a part of me tried to stay asleep and keep the dream going. But I ended up awake and once that happened I was terrified, so I came in here and ended up talking to you." She still wouldn't meet his gaze as she finished.
"Aside from the fact that I can't imagine childbirth is a pleasant experience, what part of this dream was it that had you scared?" He asked, leaning back a little on his seat.
Ever since this mission started he and Sara have fallen into a sort of friendship. He doesn't know much about her, aside from the general knowledge that she's a formally dead member of the league of assassins. He knows that the others see her as fearless when in fact she is very afraid of some things. She isn't afraid of dying, but she is afraid of losing. She's terrified of the monster that lives inside of her and it overpowering her soul. She's terrified that she might be a ticking time bomb, and that one of these days she'll go off and they're won't be any return. She'll just be this murderous creature that can't be tamed. So no, she isn't fearless. But that being said Snart never really pictured her as the type to fear motherhood. Not that he ever really put thought into the idea of her with children but she always pegged him as the type to just adapt to that sort of thing, not fear it.
"The part where I wanted it," She said as she finally looked him in the eyes, her face serious. "I wasn't afraid while I was dreaming, in fact is was happy." She admitted, "But once I opened my eyes and came back to reality I was terrified. I remembered that I've seen the inside of the Lazarus Pit and that it's left me with a need to kill. I remembered that every time I'm happy I start wondering how long it will last until I'm being plagued by thoughts of slitting someone's throat again." She explained before finally shaking her head, "No kid deserves a mom like that." She finally said in defeat and Len couldn't help but to feel a twinge of sympathy for her. When he didn't say anything and it didn't look like he was going to she grabbed her cup and got to her feet. "I'm going back to bed," she informed him and he watched her until she got to the doorway.
"So that's it then?" He asked and she stopped and turned back but to find him once again tinkering with his cold gun. "You're just going to give up all hope of ever having a family because you're afraid of what might happen?" He continued and now he looked at her as if he was calling absolute bullshit, probably because he was.
"You don't know what it's like Snart," She spat as she sauntered back into the kitchen, "To be constantly thinking about how satisfying it would be to kill someone," She continued,
"It comes on sudden," Leonard said, eyeing her with a look that practically warned her she was about to be proven wrong. "Just one stray thought in the middle of the day where everything plays out in your mind. It's not the most thought out or well planned attack, considering the thought was involuntary and you have no intentions of following through anyway. As soon as it's gone through your head you start sweating and wondering what it is that's wrong with you. You wonder why such an evil plan crossed your mind. But you let it go, brushing it off as a one time thing and you convince yourself that it happens to everybody. But then it happens again, so you brush it off again, then again, and again, and again. Finally you just accept that these thoughts are just a dark part of your mind and you're never going to act on them so why worry about it? You go through some good days where you get lucky and they don't cross your mind at all, and some bad days where it feels like you're thinking it every other second. Then finally, in one bad moment, you convince yourself that you need to act and you do." He said and Sara just kind of looked at him, not really knowing what to say.
"When I act it's more of a haze but… yeah that's pretty much it. How-?"
"My dad," Was all he said in reply, "He abused my sister and me all our lives, when he wasn't in prison that is. I started wondering what it'd be like to kill him when I was fourteen, actually went through with it a few months back." He said it so casually, like it was no big deal.
"I'm sorry," Sara said but he only shrugged, "Why are you telling me this?" She asked and again he shrugged, getting up and placing both his empty ice cream bowl and hers in the sink.
"I don't really know," he answered, "Maybe because I would love to see you kick the Green Arrow's butt while eight months pregnant with two hands tied behind your back." He joked and she laughed, actually laughed at the idea that she herself brought fourth.
"Maybe one hand," she amended, "But I could still do it," she said and Len smirked.
"I don't doubt it," He said, he was standing beside her now; so close that his limp hand was almost brushing against her thigh. He had never really noticed until now how short she was, how much she had to look up when she met his eyes. It was like he was seeing her without her armor. She always carries herself so strong, so tough, but now he could see that underneath all that bravado she doesn't really know what she's doing. "I'm not big on reassurance, but I can promise you that you would never hurt your children." He said and Sara couldn't help but look worried at the suggestion; not that it hadn't already crossed her mind.
"How can you be sure?" She asked,
"Because I would hurt you before you could hurt them," he said and she probably should've been offended by the notion that he could take her on, because they're probably a fair match and with bloodlust controlling her he wouldn't stand a chance. But she just smiled instead; she couldn't help it.
"Aw, good to know you'd be watching out for my kids." She teased and he smirked, of course he didn't like to say that he would hurt her but he knows he'd never have to. Besides, on the off chance he did he wouldn't hurt her so much as he would restrain her. "You really think I'd be a good mom?" She asked and Len knew he had to be careful here. Not because he was worried about saying something that might upset her, but because he can't afford to let her know how much he cares.
"If you can handle living on this ship, you could handle having a child." He joked and again she laughed at his comment, "You'll be fine," he assured her, a sincerity in his voice that Sara needed to hear.
It was then that the two of them realized how close the actually were. They were standing just barely an inch apart and upon realizing this they quickly separated.
"Thanks," Sara said awkwardly and Len nodded, but before she could try leaving again he spoke up.
"So, your child in this dream had a father correct?" He asked and Sara hooped he didn't see the blush creeping it's way onto your face.
"Jealous?" She teased,
"Hardly," He assured, "But some men are cowards and if one ever runs out on you like that I'll put him on ice." He threatened and Sara laughed.
"Well you don't need to worry," she assured him, "I never saw him, but he was there. During the whole dream I could feel him standing behind me."
"Sounds like a creep," Snart commented and Sara smirked,
"Goodnight Leonard," she said as she began to exit the room.
"Goodnight," He called after her.
When Sara reached her room and slipped inside she found Kendra awake on the bottom bunk.
"Sorry," she apologized
"No, I woke up a few minutes ago." Kendra insisted as she rolled over to face the wall while her roommate climbed up to her own bed. "Everything ok?" She asked, wondering where Sara had been in the middle of the night, or what they were all claiming was night.
"Yeah," Sara replied, "I just needed some water."
True water was the reason she had left the room, but it wasn't what she needed. She had needed to talk, and despite how unlikely it sounds Leonard Snart had been very helpful in that regard. She was grateful for that and so, as she drifted off to sleep, she tried to tell herself that gratefulness was the only reason that the presence of the mysterious man in her dream suddenly felt so familiar, and the good kind of cold.