(A/N: SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA up til chapter 228. Something I threw together after reading the latest chapters, which were quite depressing, I gotta say. Anyway, this is canon and maybe some of what was going on in Allen's head during the covered wagon ride.)
No, no, no, no, no… It was the thought swirling around Allen's mind, the strand weaving itself around every other thought as he stared up at Kanda in disbelief. The exorcist kept talking despite Allen wishing so desperately that he would just shut up, because what he was saying couldn't possibly be true. That jar-no, no, no, no- that jar that he and Johnny had initially thought to be salt could not be. Could not be what Kanda was telling him. There was no way. Yet Kanda kept on talking, unusually chatty, maybe oblivious to Allen's shock and horror or maybe he was aware of it and that's why he kept talking. For a brief moment, Allen wondered if Kanda and Johnny could hear his heart thumping wildly against his chest, it was so loud. No, no, no, no, no, no….NO, NO!
Kanda finally stopped speaking for a moment, looking down sympathetically at Allen, knowing none of his news was good. Allen was still on the floor of the wagon, backing himself against the side of the carriage, trying to vanish into the canvas cloth as if Kanda was actually striking him with a weapon instead of words. No, no, no, no. Every word felt like a harsh blow from a weapon and, even though Allen knew it might cause him to turn into the Fourteenth again, his mind scrambled about, almost desperate to draw Kanda into another fight because surely the blows from Kanda's weapon, surely even vanishing from this world would be less painful than what was shooting through every vein in his body right now. Kanda had started speaking again, but Allen wasn't exactly sure what all was being said, he couldn't get past what Kanda had said about the jar, he hoped Johnny was paying attention and would be willing to fill him in later, because Allen could only glance helplessly between the jar and Kanda, and wish that the other would let out a cruel laugh and it would turn out this was all just some kind of ruse to get Allen to return to The Order. Maybe The Order was putting forth extreme measures. Maybe this was all a giant hoax and any second Timcanpy would burst forth through the covered wagon and pop atop of Allen's head and everything would be as it should be. No, no, no, no, no.
This was a strange world and Allen found himself to be a bizarre and, at times, unwilling participant, desperately fighting to remain as "Allen" and not any of the other things he was connected to through no free will of his own that he knew of. The one thing he could always count on, the one thing that had been a comforting presence with him through it all and that he trusted above all else and had helped him keep his head at times, always there, always, always, as sure as the moon hanging in the night skies even if not visible to the naked eye, one always knew it was there. That had been Timcanpy. And the words coming out of Kanda's mouth. No, no, no, no. The words that were forming off of Kanda's lips that the jar- no, not even the jar. What was in the jar was what was left of his dependable, loyal golem. That Timcanpy and the ashes in the jar were the same thing.
It was getting harder to breathe and Allen knew Kanda had said some important things but didn't care. He finally slumped away from the wall and crawled the short distance to the jar, Kanda falling silent as Allen slowly moved past him. It took so much effort to move, Allen feared his muscles would give out and he'd collapse because everything hurt so badly. He was sure he must be going into shock. No, no, no… He thought he heard Johnny whisper his name. Without Kanda speaking anymore and General Tiedoll no longer paying attention, or pretending to not pay attention, Allen stopped before the small jar, and sat back on his knees, staring down at it with despairing eyes. This couldn't be real, these ashes couldn't be his faithful friend, his guiding star. Kanda remained respectfully silent and that was all the confirmation Allen needed to know that this was no hoax, this was no scheme, this was his new reality.
Memories of the past popped into his mind of when he first received the golem, when General Cross had bestowed him with it. Allen didn't really understand what was going on, he was just thrilled to have company and this golem was better than any kitten or puppy as far as he could tell. As a young child, the golem had happily blown up to a nice huggable size and slept with Allen, offering the young boy comfort from his night terrors. No. The golem had followed him around and danced about his head for years to the point that it was almost like Allen had grown an extra, floating limb and it was apparent and nearly constant that there was a little golden blur flying within the scope of his vision. No.
Allen stared down at the jar, one hand coming up to tenderly touch the side of the jar that contained his precious companion's ashes. He would never see that gold blur in his peripheral, he would never feel that weight on top of his head, he would never shout out another order to that golden friend, he would never share a laugh with the golem again. No, because now all of what that had been were just these ashes that Kanda had been kind enough to collect and deposit in this jar. No, no….!
Allen hunched over the jar, eyes squeezed shut tightly as he tried not to scream. The silence underneath the canvas canopy said it all: Kanda, Johnny, and Tiedoll all understood that this news brought about a certain kind of pain to the innocence before them. A kind of pain that even loved ones could bring little comfort to, the kind of pain that only time could help to mend, but never truly remove. Allen stared down at the jar, eyes unseeing, tears springing forth, the Fourteenth deep within jolted by all despair that was cutting through the host. No. His best friend was nothing more than memories and these ashes in this jar…
Timcanpy…..