14AmyChan-"Almost dying changes nothing, dying changes everything"-Dr. Gregory House. I don't own Black Cat. *^_^*
"Saya, don't talk…" I pleaded desperately. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear those last words of goodbye as she lay dying in my hands. There's too much red, too much. She can't be dying, she can't be bleeding. This has to be a dream…
"I was going to move soon…" Saya weakly said. As the blood left her body, I could feel myself dying along with her. This wasn't a dream, this was a nightmare. I have to wake up, I have to!
"It's been a long time since I started sweeping here… Once I finally got you to smile…" I didn't want to hear it, but I couldn't move. I couldn't move or talk or anything. I could only just sit there and hold her as she lay in my arms…dying. Really dying.
"There was nothing left for me to do…" she said those words. She was saying goodbye, she knew she was dying, and she was saying goodbye! Why the hell couldn't I have been faster?
"Saya…" I could only plead with that one word. I had seen this so many times, I was so used to the scent of death, the scent of blood…but this… Why? Is this because I have taken so many lives? Is this punishment?
"I'm glad we met, Train…" Saya continued, life ebbing away from her. "Traveled far and met many people…" I couldn't bear it. Was this retribution? Was some divine force punishing me for the many scenes such as this that I've caused? Why was this good person-this beloved person-dying? She didn't do anything to deserve this… Nothing…!
"But the only one I ever considered a friend…" Please, not this… Tears stung at her eyes, and it was all I could do to not let the same happen to me. "…Was you."
Me? The cause of her death? I could not ever be fast enough, I couldn't save her. And yet, in this tiny alleyway, when she can clearly hear death approaching, calls me her friend? Why? Is she stupid? Why me? There are still so many great people out there… People who haven't murdered… People who haven't done the terrible things I've done. So why? Why? Why? Why?
"Why am I crying?" Saya whispered. "So silly of me…" Silly? Crying at death was silly? She was obviously in pain, and yet, she said that crying was silly… Why? She had always been free… A free stray cat. A Naro Neko. The fact that she could die had never occurred to me… Even when my job is to end people's lives, I could have never imagined her dying.
"It's okay, Train…" Saya was barely hanging on, now. How could this ever be okay? It would never be okay… Never… "Okay to forget me and move on…" Saya finished her last sentence. She would never say another one ever again…
"What…" The words left my mouth before I could stop them. "What're you saying…?" I could feel my voice crack… I could feel the tears coming. She couldn't be serious… Saya, don't go…!
Cold…
Her eyes closed… Why did she close them? She knew she would never wake up… I could not hold it in any longer. It stung at my eyes; that wicked moisture. There was very little warmth left in her hand.
As if in a dream, a very twisted dream, my hand instantly reached for her face. My hand was gentle, but it could still feel her warmth. I leaned my head in, I just wanted to say goodbye…that's it, but…
I guess some things may be an accident…
The pure fact that we met was an accident… If I had just fulfilled orders and killed the man, regardless of the child in his hands, we would have never met. But that day, when I couldn't do it…when I saw the child… I remembered my horrid past and felt the multiple shots of Zagine.
I couldn't do it, so I paid the price. I had been an inch from death's doorstep, and she had saved me. On the way home from buying groceries, it seemed like… She would save a half-dead assassin on the way home from buying groceries…
The fact that we lived in the same apartment building was also an accident-or rather-a coincidence… If it weren't for that, I probably would never have seen her again. But I did.
We talked a lot. About her life. And about mine. She was the first person ever to get me to talk about my life. I don't particularly care for what happened in my past, so I don't talk about it, at least, I didn't…
It was an accident that it happened. That I fell in love. I always told myself that it was just how she lived. I just admired haw she seemed to live so freely, and I wanted that, instead of her.
Yeah, she was always there… Always saving me… So, this one time… This once… Why am I the cause of her death? All I wanted was to tell her… To tell her that I was okay, and that she can count on my any ol' time. That I could always be there for her…
But it never happens like that, does it?
She died… And I can't do a single thing about it… I fell in love with her… And I can't do anything about that, either… Why am I so stupid? Why can't I just face facts? I couldn't save her, and now… Now…
I pulled away. That was the first time I kissed anyone, and it would also be the last. It's not like I wasn't going to move on with my life, no. I just knew that Saya would be the only one to hold my heart. She can break it, she can hold it, she could throw it away and I could care less.
I wish I had been reliable enough to hold hers. But… But I… I will never let her spirit die. I will never let it die, but Saya-Oh God, Saya…
I just wish that I could have told you, just once…
Just how much I love you. So much. I lover you so much. Still do. And I hope you'll be waiting… Because the next time I chase you… The next time I catch you… I swear I'll never let go.