I'm sure everyone is sick of fem!mage/Cullen pairings but guess what? I'm not! haha
Anyway this is just my own little twist and version of the Broken Circle quest from my fem!Amell character.
"What are you looking for?" Came Alistair's voice over her shoulder. Sonja Amell turned her head slightly to look at him. "Just... some one I know. I didn't see them down stairs and I haven't seen..." She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. She didn't want to imagine what Cullen's corpse might look like. But she hadn't seen him at the entrance with the other Templars, and so far none of the fallen Templars they had passed had been him.
How could she tell? How did she know they weren't him? Even in death they all looked alike with their identical armor and helms, their identities sacrifice to the order a long time ago to become one of the living statues that guards the Circle Tower. She didn't know how, just as she didn't know how for years she always knew Cullen when she saw him standing at his post in a hall or the library or anywhere else. Even with the helm and armor and that same exact stance that has been drilled and trained into them all, she knew him. She always smiled at him and said hello and his stammered reply always seemed to make the cold stones of the tower a little less confining.
Sonja keeps moving down the hall from where she had been standing, just down from Irving's quarters, the last place she had seen Cullen. She could still remember the first time she'd seen him. She had been in the tower since she was very little, she barely remembered her home in a small village near RedCliffe, sometimes, in that strange place between being awake and asleep, she could remember better, she could see her mother, a tall woman, leaning over a pot of what must be stew because her mouth is watering at the smell. Her father, his face blurred by the years, is sitting at a table near by and calls her name, holding out his arms and she runs to him and giggles as he pulls her into his lap. She doesn't know why she remembers this and nothing else. But it always the same memory, and the only one she has. Maybe if the Circle agrees to help them with Connor and they go back, maybe she will have the time to find her old village and see what there is to see.
But as said, she had been very little when she had been brought here, she didn't even remember what it was that had caused her parents to send her away, or to be taken away from them. But when she had been fifteen she and Jowan had been hiding behind a pillar in the entrance, staging a prank for the Templars who guarded the door. She and Jowan had always been getting into trouble together, and they seemed to take turns as to whose fault the trouble really was. But then the doors had opened and their prank had been ruined and she and Jowan shared an irritated look but jumped as two Templars rounded the corner, standing up straight and fixing what they hoped looked like innocent expressions onto their faces. And Sonja noticed a third person with the Templars, a boy, just a year or so older than her, with curly red hair, he had seen her too and as he passed by the two shared a long look of curiosity, each asking the other 'how are you?'. He was very cute, and as she gave him a smile his head jerked back into looking straight ahead, but she saw the blush in his cheeks.
Cullen had become a Templar and while Sonja, like all the other mages and especially the apprentices, was a little resentful towards the Templars for treating them like ticking time bombs that really should just be taken care of before they explode, she had never felt an ounce of resentment towards Cullen. How could she resent him? Cullen with his red curls and his warm brown eyes and his stuttered hello's and goodbye's. And even with the helm, the armor, and the posture, she had always known him, and she had always felt his eyes on her back, watching her, and it didn't irritate her at all like it did when she could feel the eyes of the other Templars on her. Because Cullen protected her.
She hadn't seen him since the day of her Harrowing. She hadn't noticed him standing in the back of the Harrowing chamber, his helm off and a nervous expression on his face. She hadn't known that if she were to fail, Cullen would be the one to strike her down, to end her life to keep other's safe. But if she had known, she would have been grateful, because if anyone were to have to kill her, she would want it to be Cullen, even if her mind was gone far away, should be happy to have him as the last thing she saw. But it hadn't come to that and when she had woken up she hadn't known that even as she had lay crumpled on the Harrowing Chamber floor, Cullen had been protecting her and had been the one to carry her to her room. It was probably the only time in their lives they had touched, and Sonja had missed it completely.
She'd woken up and been told by Jowan that Irving wanted to see her so she'd gone and there he'd been, standing in the hall way just down from Irving's study, and for some reason his helm had been off. So she had stopped to talk and he'd told her about the small role he had played in her Harrowing. And she didn't know why, but she had felt brave that day. Bold. Maybe it had been the success of her Harrowing, being elevated from an apprentice to a full Mage. Maybe it was the way Cullen had told her, more or less, that he would never want to hurt her. So she'd brought it up, that silent thing always hanging between them. She had her own room now, a small amount of privacy, maybe now she and Cullen could get to know one another and while she had and hadn't meant anything beyond talking, she was sure that that was how it came across. But it was the truth, she had seen how he looked at her.
Cullen had looked utterly shocked, then excited, then terrified, all in the space of two seconds, stammering out an excuse, and then he was gone, all but fleeing down the hall. Sonja stood there for a moment, watching him go, the confidence and elation she had felt just a moment ago, gone. And for the first time in her life, she resented Cullen a little bit. But she knew it was her fault, she knew she shouldn't have said anything, Cullen might have been trained to fight and kill mages but he knew nothing of women, all he knew was duty. She didn't blame him for heading for the hills, all of his training pointed her as the enemy, and yet over the years she knew they had grown very fond of one another. She had hoped... she had thought. Well she hadn't really thought about it. If she had, she wouldn't have done it. It was... impossible.
And then had really become impossible, Duncan had come and she had had a feeling he was there because of her but she hadn't fully understood why. And then Jowan had been asking for her help and how could she say no to him? They had been friends since she had arrived, for nearly fifteen years now they'd been steadfast companions. She knew what he was asking her to do was forbidden, that she should go to Irving. But she didn't, how could she? How could she leave Jowan to his fate as a walking doll, no emotions, no soul. She couldn't, so she'd helped. And then he'd betrayed her and ran and thank the Maker for Duncan. Or she'd probably be awaiting a trial to be executed by Templars for aiding a blood mage.
But now here she was, right back where she had started. But things were... notably different. A lot had happened in the year since she had left. There were corpses... everywhere. People she knew, people she had grown up with. And the demons, and abominations, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end every time they fought one of the horrors that had once been a mage. To think that she had the potential to end up the same way. It made her feel sick. The Tower was ravaged, her home all but destroyed. And it looked like it was up to her and her small party to save what was left of it.
And then they reached the Great Hall and some small part of her is holding out, hoping to find Cullen hiding in a cabinet like Godwin, but she knew better. Cullen would never hide, he would never just sit by and let this happen without trying to stop it. And every time they entered a room and had to fight off enchanted and bewitched Templars she was relieved to search the bodies and find none of them were Cullen. She could see Wynne watching her from the corner of her eye. The old woman was deceptively smart and observant, and she had been here the whole time she had held those hidden affections for Cullen. Did she know? Did she know whose face it was Sonja searched for among the fallen Templars?
Now they are at the top floor, only the Harrowing Chamber is left. They have carved their way through walking dead, demons, shades, Templars controlled by demons, and the abominations that used to be her brethren. And she thinks they are almost there, only a little further and they can take care of the traitor, Uldred. But then she meets their greatest obstacle yet and falls, falls into the fade.