Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters.
Note: This is just a little side story about Jasper from Testing the Bonds. Enjoy!
Alice.
The first time I saw her, my body ached. She was perfect from the top of her black spiky head to the bottom of her expensive brown boots. Being short, there wasn't much in between, but it called to me in a way no other human body did. This feeling wasn't sexual, far from it. It was hunger. Her heart called to me under her slightly tanned skin. I saw each pump as if someone pushed the slow motion button on the television in front of me, watched the blood move through the veins as they curled up around her fragile neck, and I wondered how good it would taste flowing down my burning throat.
And then someone rushed by her, mixing her scent into the air between us. A growl rumbled in my chest.
"Get a hold of yourself, Jasper," Edward berated me.
I glanced at Edward then turned my attention to the table. Against my instincts, I stopped breathing. I hated doing this. It left me vulnerable. I knew there was nothing to worry about. The threat was me, not one of these weak humans, and there hadn't been an outside threat around the Cullens since the 70's. Still, I wanted to taste the air.
"Jasper."
I was supposed to be a vegetarian now and was supposed to deny the instinct to have a human meal. Animals were my path now. The rest of them, except for Carlisle, didn't understand how great the pull was for someone like me. It was like eating nothing but steak for twenty years and then, suddenly, switching to salad for the rest of your life. A slip was bound to happen every now and then. Steak was just too irresistible.
"Jas-per."
I growled again, this time at Edward. It wasn't directed at him, though. I knew I had to get a grip. I was letting everything about this girl take me over, and I needed it to stop before I stepped past that point of no return. Thanks to the sharp memories of a vampire, my mind still held the memory of the last time I shot over that line.
It was a girl that time also. Her hair was long and brown and there were freckles lining her cheeks. She didn't see me coming. I had been hiding in the shadows after I caught her scent, stalking her, playing a game she never consented to. She never had a chance to scream…
I stood up with the untouched tray of food before Edward could say anything. I needed to leave before I let myself get wrapped up in more mess.
"Sit down. If you go, she's going to follow you," Edward said, talking faster than everyone in the room. I obeyed, and kept my eyes down while my mind flashed through useless historical facts. It helped a little, allowing what was left of the lunch period to painfully scrape by without another incident with Edward.
Once outside, the air washed away her scent. Of course, some of it still stayed on the wind, but it wasn't as intoxicating as it had been in the enclosed cafeteria. The burn died down, and I returned to the indifferent Jasper I pretended to be.
I didn't have another almost slip for the rest of the day. For once, I focused on the classes I had already been in many times before. The way each teacher droned on bored me into an almost relaxing calm. Never in my relatively short educational career had I been glad to hear about the differences between igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary rocks.
All I had to do once the last bell rang was make it to the car. Then I would be home free. Then I could go back to the house I called a home and the group of vampires I called a family. And then I could hunt again.
But I wasn't a lucky being.
I didn't know what made me look up at that moment. I made it to Edward's silver Volvo; all I had to do was get in. But I paused as the wind brought it all back to me. I looked toward her sweet, flower scented body. My teeth ground against each other to keep me in the moment instead of letting myself get carried away. She smiled, happy to see I noticed her. I grimaced, knowing her days were numbered.
That night, I spent my time catching every leaf I could for my salad and tried not to think about the steak I couldn't have.
The next day, I went to school without my safety net, Edward. It wasn't smart to think of him this way, but the way he could see everyone's thoughts helped. He gave me time to back away from some unfortunate girl with a misguided crush. He scolded me when my mood became unbearable. Basically, he was there – if not for me, then for the family he was lucky to be a part of since his rebirth.
I was better, though. The blood from the various animals helped. I was also prepared for it today. It wasn't going to catch me off guard. She wasn't going to catch me off guard.
The lunchroom was practically empty when I walked in with Emmett and Rosalie. I used Emmett's good mood to substitute it for my own. It helped, and, by the time everyone filled the room, including her, I felt beyond fine. Using a reference I heard Emmett say more than once: I was going to knock this one out of the park.
"She's going to come to the table," Rosalie said, watching the two new girls make their way from table to table. "She's coming for you."
"How do you know?" I asked stupidly but still stiffened up and cut the breathing without stopping the telltale movement.
Emmett just laughed.
Sure enough, they ended on our table, and her eyes ended on mine. She introduced herself and her twin sister. Even though I already knew their names and where they came from thanks to the chatter the day before, I still focused on her name as if I contemplated rolling it off my tongue in future encounters.
Alice. Cheerful, vivacious, ready to blindly walk into the lion's den, Alice.
Her sister pulled her way, thanks to the rude welcome from us, but I didn't want her to leave. It wasn't because of her smell, her taste, her blood; it was because of the way she felt. I was drawn to the naïve carelessness of youth she wafted around her. I needed that more than I needed her life.
I pushed my chair back.
"Don't," Rosalie glared.
I glanced back. I knew I was flirting with disaster, but I didn't care. "Don't worry. I'm not going to kill her today."
I walked over to the trash can where the two of them were. I had to breathe now as I was going to be too close for that to go unnoticed. It was Bella who saw me first. I nodded to her first before turning my attention to the one I wanted. "I'm sorry ma'am. I'm Jasper."
"Alice." Gorgeous, smiling, fluttering near my depressed soul, Alice.
"Sometimes Rosalie can be a bit rude. I can assure you that not all of us feel the same way as she does." I tried to smile, but it happened so fast, I was sure her human eyes didn't catch it.
Our first conversation went surprisingly well. Like any curious human, she tried to pry, but I kept the specifics out and gave her only the known information: I was from Houston. Rosalie, with her faded accent, was my twin sister. She did try to touch me, but she didn't push it when I backed away from her hand. Most girls kept trying, but she wasn't like most girls.
While Edward was gone, the delectable twin and I developed an interesting rapport. I would catch her looking at me when I was trying to inconspicuously watch her. There were more small conversations between classes. And there was even the invitation to see the movie with her and the people she regularly spent time with. I wanted so much to say yes to her. However, I didn't want to push it any farther. What little time we had together was more than enough.
It was after the invitation to the movies that everything changed.
They were just standing there, the twin sisters, admiring tires when the first noise of a tire not being able to grasp onto pavement put me on alert. A split second was all it took for me to realize what the future was going to bring: death. In the next second, I was off. Second number three, another set of feet sounded behind me. Our running was unbearably slow, but it caught her sister's attention and alerted her to my presence.
Alice. Trapped, bloodied, killed in a freak accident before I could taste her, Alice.
She never had a chance to turn and see me coming. I rammed into her harder than I wanted to. The air inside her lungs pushed out in such a force, she had to gasp to catch more. As she was fighting for air, I smelled the back of her neck. This was heaven. Or was it hell? There was only one way to find out.
I turned her around as carefully as I could once my feet stopped moving. She was off somewhere but with me at the same time, and I faintly heard her sister's name fall off her light red lips. A smile flashed across mine. It was heaven. I thought about taking her away. No one would worry about her until after the commotion surrounding her sister calmed down. I would be back before that happened. She wouldn't. Would they notice?
She grabbed onto my shirt. Even her hands were driving me wild. They tried digging into my skin, but they didn't get far. Still in her daydream state, she leaned forward. I mimicked her. She was staring at me, at my face, trying to get closer to my pale skin, and I was staring at her, at her neck, feeling the venom soak my tongue.
It was metal scraping against metal – nails on a chalkboard – that brought me back to my senses. They would notice. Both sisters were at the car. Both sisters were miraculously saved by the Cullens. So, where was the bubbly one? They would call her name. Her father would send out search parties. The Cullens would have to leave. I would have to leave the Cullens. I would go back to a life I thought I finally left behind.
That wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going to get the best of me. I pushed her away and disappeared.
I ran into the forest near the parking lot and practically slammed the back of my head into a tree before going completely still. The venom drained down the back of my throat. I watched a tiny black bug crawl across a leaf on a branch twenty feet above me as the sound of an ambulance blared in my ears. I planned to stay there until she was gone, but I was hasty in my retreat and didn't make sure she was okay. I had to go back.
I went back for nothing: She was getting into the ambulance under her own power and arguing with her sister.
I went back for everything: Our eyes met before the doors slammed shut, and they told me I had caught her.
Edward strongly suggested we go to see Carlisle and explain everything before he saw Bella. My thoughts voiced my unwillingness to surround myself with sickness and her.
"Stay in the car, then," said Edward when we arrived at the hospital.
I did. For twenty minutes, I stayed in the car and tried not to think about what I felt when the ambulance left. Nothing kept me away from her for long, not even trying to work through all the military blunders of World War I. My mind would always return to the feeling of wanting her and needing her, two very similar but equally different emotions. Figuring it wouldn't do anymore harm for the day, I left the safety of the Volvo and walked into the hospital to find her.
They, Carlisle and Edward, knew when I arrived in the waiting room. She did not. I did not scare her. We smiled. We teased. She touched my arm and slid her hand down to mine.
I took a deep breath in. It was not to stop my breathing. Her fragrant skin had already floated to the back of my mind. It was to stop the tingle of something else, something I didn't know how to explain.
Our smiles faded. I was stiff. She was exploring. Her hand touched my face. I exhaled. She was speechless. Confused, I said:
"Alice." Confident, unaware, irresistible to every part of my body, Alice.
They were coming back, so I pushed her away again. Once again, my mind betrayed me. The previous scene played over and over, causing Edward to speak to Carlisle in a hurried voice once he noticed. Once close to me, he leaned in, "She won't back down, so you need to be the one to walk away before it goes too far."
As much as I hated him at that moment for saying in out loud, Edward was right. As soon as they left, I blew her off with a half-truth. She was angry, and I added to it; I hid the sadness I couldn't handle as I walked away.
In the office, Edward hollered while Carlisle half preached, half discussed what I was getting myself into. I listened quietly as Edward didn't need spoken word to carry on a conversation. Nothing they said was anything new to me. I had already been through the pros and cons of continuing the relationship with her before even reaching my destination. It was easy with a mind like mine, a mind of a vampire. We were already two steps ahead of everything. Yet, I was there, unnaturally stuck in place with two people who couldn't understand how the situation between her and me had changed.
Like a romance novel cliché, this half-life I was in held a different meaning. All I wanted was to be near her, but I dutifully stayed away from her. Her smell wasn't the only problem anymore; the spark, the prickling of the skin, her touch started ten thousand others. They were all an internal struggle, a private struggle Edward kept pushing his way into.
In a day she became depressed, and within a month she turned into me. I couldn't get near enough to her to make her stop. My few glances in the cafeteria did little, especially after my actions the day after the crash. She never came close enough to me after that, which meant there was no way for me to make her feel better. I didn't even know if I wanted to.
"It's better this way," Edward's voice kept echoing long after the words were spoken.
For who, I wondered. Neither I nor she felt better.
"For the secret."
He never specifically said that, but I didn't need the ability to read minds to know that was the reason. Our secret was important to us. It allowed us to coexist with humans. It also allowed us to live with each other. There were rules we lived by and there were monsters that enforced them. Most of the time, they stayed in their tower and ruled by fear and a group of highly gifted soldiers, but, if they felt the situation called for it, they stirred from their thrones and paid the offender a visit. I didn't want my family to pay the price for my sins. I also didn't want to destroy myself. My self-preservation was too strong now.
Maybe that was the reason I stopped her between classes one random day. Maybe, deep down, I knew she was going to keep me going, keep me alive, keep me in the path I needed to take. She understandably didn't want to talk. Her agitation played across my skin, quelling my good judgment. I grabbed her and pulled her away with me. For the first time since I saw her, I didn't want to tear her open with my sharp teeth. I craved something completely new: her well-being.
I found myself calmed by her presence, and, even though she stopped being truly angry as soon as I led her away, I let it float onto her. I lied to her about having permission to talk to her. "We've come to a compromise," I said. I inwardly laughed at it all. I was working up to being two hundred years old, a small number in comparison to Carlisle, but a large enough number compared to the dull teenagers I unhappily surrounded myself with; I didn't need permission for anything. The irony of it was, I did.
That night, I was prepared for the consequences. By the time I reached the car after school, I knew Edward saw everything. I thought about keeping it from him, and then I thought the better of it. Carlisle was told the news in his office once we arrived home. Esme only needed to see my confident face, my taller posture. I hadn't looked like that in a long time. She was pleased.
"You look happy," she said before dispensing: "Treat her better than she deserves."
Carlisle saw the same thing Esme did. He always did. However, he wasn't completely on board with it in the same way she was. Like my peers, it was time for me to make my own decisions and learn the consequences of them in order for me to grow into a more well rounded being. His advice was quick and concise. "Just be careful."
Edward talked to me next. He was long and harsh. He rambled about how I would screw everything up, how I would end the family, how I wasn't thinking about the bigger picture. His words made little sense, but his feelings made perfect sense. Anger, jealousy, and longing wafted off him like bitter cologne. I kept my thoughts shut.
Rosalie simply told me to keep my mouth shut about certain aspects of my life.
Emmett, with his arm wrapped around his Rosalie, cheered me on.
I sat in my room that night, thinking about Emmett and Rosalie and how I desired what they had. For the first time in my life, I yearned to know what it felt like to have that person to protect, to be near me unconditionally, to have and to hold. They weren't a private couple, so I had many experiences of the two of them to run through. In each one, I tried to imagine her and me.
I smiled many times, or, perhaps, it was one long, continuous smile that never wanted to take its leave.
Whatever was happening between us blossomed in one short week. Then she came back from her trip to La Push with a plan.
"She says she knows," Edward said.
"Knows what?" asked Rosalie.
"Our secret."
I smiled despite my body standing to attention at the news. What do we do now, captain? I jabbed at Edward. We can't let this enemy onto our territory.
She spoke with determined ease, only letting the word vampire get in the way, making me smile wider. She couldn't say the word, but she could stand right in the center of them without a care. The dark haired nymph even sparred with Edward. Their words hit each other, but only my adoptive brother let them get to him. Then Rosalie tried and subsequently failed.
The woman who couldn't stack up to them in any way, shut them all up with a few words. I shut them up by holding my arm out for her and walking away.
We found our place again. It was still deserted. We spoke words that didn't matter. Then I spoke volumes without words. I took her in my arms for the second time. Only, this time I went further. My teeth scraped against her skin without leaving a mark. My mouth watered with venom and ran down my throat. My tongue wanted to reach out for a deeper taste, but I kept it back. If I had a heart that still lived, it would have been beating out of my chest.
I needed her like I needed nothing before. This level of need was difficult to process. I had needed different people before, my human parents, Maria, Carlisle, Edward, but none of them were there to make me feel whole. It was as if I knew she was put on this Earth to be my other half.
"You're scared," my voice murmured.
She answered the comment I wasn't supposed to speak and wrapped herself around me as if trying to meld into my hard skin. She had me look at her in our tight embrace. The reason for her being the one who caught my nose, the reason I had to save her from the accident, and the reason for the odd sensation when she touched me looked different to me at that moment. It wasn't hunger. It was slightly sexual. Most of all, it was belonging; it was–
"I see." I was meant to find you, Alice.
Alice. Love, happiness, emotions I need you to wrap around me tighter, Alice.
We kissed by the brick wall. Both of us were hungry for the experience. Keeping an eye out on part of myself, I let the other part flow over to her. Love, a bit of lust, happiness, hopefulness, it all leaked from every pore to envelop her small frame. It spurred her on. She pushed herself to me, making the other part of myself want to hold her tighter. A little too tight.
I stepped away, placing her softly but swiftly back on the ground as I did. At that moment, I knew the need to have her in my life was too much. It scared me. She called me to stop and my feet obeyed, and she comforted me with demanding words laced with concern.
Then she said, "You and I both know the best thing for us is to stay together."
Something jumped inside. My dead heart? I didn't know, but I did know hope was spreading through my body. At that moment, I knew she needed me just as much as I needed her. And she was going to stay by my side.
"I won't hesitate."
Her words were not for me, but I answered, "I know," and kissed her on the top of her head. In that moment, I knew I wasn't going to either.
As our relationship with each other started to solidify, our relationships with the two most important people in our lives started to crumble. Her sister pushed away after a botched lie. If I was any sort of man, I would have tried to patch their relationship before things worsened. But I didn't. I stayed silent, ignoring the bigger problem to hold her in my arms and make the smaller problem leave momentarily. My relationship with Edward fell faster in the time it took to protect her from him in the garage than it had from the first moment I laid eyes on the twin sisters.
But I was getting better. The thirst no longer held my every thought. My inability to stay on the path wasn't the issue it once was. She calmed me, soothed the cracks in my façade, made me smile, and taught me how to let go. I told her my long story, and she listened. She laughed when we ran through the trees, and moved forward to comfort me instead of pushing away when she happened to see one of many scars my life had brandished me with.
Then I became scared. I knew what she wanted. It was something I wanted as well. If she was the same as me, then I would selfishly get to have all of her for as long as I wanted, but I pushed her away with words while keeping her hooked in my fingers. As she prodded me to give her what she wanted – for me to turn her into a creature like me – she was inadvertently helping me to seriously consider it which, in turn, was making me livid. How could someone like me…stop? If I…
The day she saw the last of my secrets was the day she saw how much of a monster I really was.
I wasn't with her but in my room to cool off when crumbling drywall caused me to jump out of my chair and fly down the stairs. By the time I made it downstairs, Esme and Emmett had come to her side. Again, Edward was just letting off steam and didn't want to hurt her in anyway, but she was pushing him again. I could see this when his face came into view. My need to protect her overwhelmed me until love shot through the room and hit me square in the chest. It scared me more than hearing the wall falter under Edward's palm. She loved me so much she placed faith in me to successfully change her. I couldn't deal with it and quickly covered the feeling up with anger since I knew how to deal with that.
But it still seeped through.
We were in the second floor hallway, close to my room. I ducked into there and left her out in the hall. Leaning against the door and staring out the window across the room, I focused on calming myself and letting it move toward her. I stayed silent, knowing if I didn't, my concentration would be broken.
At that moment, I smelled it.
I didn't stop myself; I couldn't stop myself. There wasn't much there, but it was something my senses were attuned to since that first day, so I knew something had broken free from the flimsy flesh that protected it. I didn't have much time to get to her and pull her to a place where I could have her before the others in the house came after us. I reached out for her arm, but only caught her purse. A growl erupted as the fingers dug into my torso, pulling me back and away from the food. She looked at me, but her face never showed the fear other people had when they realized it was their last seconds alive.
"You're better than this, Jasper," Carlisle's voice said, breaking through some of the haze.
"I need it," I growled, still thrashing against his arms. By the time I broke free, my meal was gone, replaced with an angry Emmett. I dodged his first attack, but he got me with his second and slammed me down to the floor with his large arm.
"You're not putting up a good fight," he said without the usual smirk. "Must not need her as much as you claim."
"Emmett," Carlisle said disapprovingly.
"Let me go," I spoke through clenched teeth as my attempts at struggling started to die down. The trail of her blood was still in the house, but I found myself not wanting to follow it as much as I did just seconds ago. At that moment, Emmett was right. I didn't need it as much as I declared. I wanted her soft, pink, warm, safe and alive.
What I needed was to get out.
"Take her home, Carlisle. Tell her I'm sorry I cannot." I growled again, this time in frustration. The burn for blood was still there. Emmett let up, and I jumped off the floor and headed outside in the opposite direction from her.
When I came back after an unsatisfying hunt, I apologized to Esme and fixed her living room floor. Then I found Carlisle and apologized to him. Then I found Edward.
"Thank you." And I'm sorry.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I understand the need for her to be closer." He looked up from the book he was reading. "If she was…then I wouldn't be tempted. I wouldn't have to be worried."
"If you stayed away, then –"
"I can't," I said, desperation sweating through my shirt. I need her. And I need you, Rosalie, and Emmett to stay with her while I…
"While you run away for a while? No. Ask them yourself, but I am not going to be a part of any of it." He looked back at the book. I took it as a sign to leave.
The rest of them, with Esme's help, distracted her long enough to keep her mind off my horrible, inexcusable actions while I tried to figure out if my need outweighed her life. By the time I was at her side, I realized my selfishness was something I had to get over because I would never be able to live with myself if my hands became stained with her blood.
I went back to school on a Thursday to sever my ties with her.
I showed up at her house on a Friday with a flower to tell her I couldn't live without her.
Then I took her to prom and finally spit out I loved her.
Love. I knew where I got the concept from. Esme and Carlisle. Rosalie and Emmett. Each of them had their own brand of love. Even Edward with his lack of his other half taught me what the word meant. Before then, it was her. It was Maria.
But it wasn't love; it was lust. Her lust. Me, I just went along with it as it was easier to be with her than to fight off our urges. She held it over me like a powerful drug I couldn't get enough of. When killing the ineffective newborns started to become too much, I still couldn't walk away from Maria. It took me years to pull myself away from her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Even the loss of human blood in my diet couldn't compare to the loss I felt the first time I needed certain desires quenched.
This new woman, however, showed me what love meant with her soft touches and calm words. Even after I went after her like a monster, she welcomed me back. It was then I knew what Esme and Carlisle had. I finally knew no matter how much her blood called out to me, her love was stronger. My love was stronger.
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Watching her from across the room of the cabin with my mind continually recalling the past, I can see every bead of sweat, every jerky movement of her limbs as she tries to get through the pain of the venom running through her veins. I never thought I would be able to stop, but, at the last second, I did. It was her words that made me stop. They were simple words, ones of love and adoration, but her tone, the pleading tone, was what made me realize I was killing her. In the last minute, before passing out from the pain — a pain I never wanted to cause again — she smiled at me.
"I told you, you could do it," she said.
But I almost didn't, I thought, not wanting to hear more of her encouraging words at the moment.
When she wakes up, I will be by her side. Within the first day of her metamorphosis, I landed on the resolve that I would be strong for her. I am ready to be the crutch she needs, not the crutch that slows the family – my family – down.
Her chest rises into the air, and a small moan falls from her lips. Her body relaxes. I jump out of my chair and rush toward her. She isn't breathing, which makes me stop as well.
"Jasper."
Her hoarse voice hits my ears and I drop to my knees next to the bed. She opens her eyes and cocks her head to the side. I can see her eyes gauge every scar she can see on my face and neck and know she is wondering how many there are hidden under my clothes. I smile at the only newborn vampire who didn't automatically want to rip my head off the moment she awakened.
"Alice." My friend, my lover, but, most importantly, forever mine, Alice.