There was a battle.
"Spy, you have crossed my lover. Prepare to die." It was the Sniper. He was mad because he caught the Spy kissing the Scout.
"He does not like you, idiot. He likes the sophistication of a Frenchman who will teach him the differences between douches and douchettes." Spy pulled out a douche bag. "I plan on teaching him how to use this baby tonight."
"You are a sick twat."
"No, I happen to be the man in this relationship." The Spy smirked.
"That's it. You, me, now."
"I'm sorry, but I'm not an exhibitionist."
"That's not what I meant, you pervert." He actually did miss having sex with the Spy. Oops, I wasn't subtle enough, even though it's fairly obvious what such soft language insinuates. That sentence was nonsensical.
The Sniper pulled out his kukri. "It's time for you to see its true form."
"No, you wouldn't."
"But I would. May the force be with you, Chinpoko." Suddenly, his kukri turned into a lightsaber. His kukri was actually a zanpakuto!
"That's a forbidden technique! We're not supposed to ever use those."
"Who cares?" The Sniper was happily brandishing his lightsaber. It had been years since he had seen his kukri's true form. "Get ready, Spy. I'm coming to get you." The Sniper ran towards the Spy with his lightsaber.
"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" Suddenly, there appeared four other identical Spies. The Sniper hit one of the clones directly in the chest, but he wasn't the real Spy so the clone disappeared.
"This isn't fair! You're cheating."
"I'm simply using one of the forbidden techniques. You said it yourself; who cares?" The four Spies now surrounded the Sniper. Each had a nice chance to backstab the Sniper, but you know how these kind of battles go. There's some ridiculously long dialogue about protecting one's honor or some other shit no one really cares about, right? I spare you the torture of that, for now.
"Look guys, a fight." It was the Scout, the Engineer, and Pyro without her mask on. For this story's sake, the Pyro's name was Sesshomaru Rocks My Socks Emo Chick Desu 137, or Heffa for short.
"I'm gonna perform some alchemy." The Engineer was actually the Fullmetal Alchemist. He had lost his arm while trying to resurrect his mother, who died from syphilis because she was a whore. Anyway, Engineer's arm was special in that it allowed him to perform a rapid transmutation. Yeah, he was never really an engineer. Oh, he also liked to masturbate with his mechanical arm. Yeah, there's a nice mental image for you. Right, where were we? The Engineer transmutated a dispenser out of thin air. Screw the law of thermodynamics.
"This is gonna be fun to watch." Heffa was excited. She always dreamed of seeing Spysama and Sniperkun go at it like all the characters she adored seeing fight. She brought along her wand from Olivander's shop, although she really wasn't a witch...actually, I lied. She was Hermione's lesbian lover, although she's totally not gay because she likes men too. Also, she was wearing fishnets on her arms, too much mascara, black eyeshadow and nail polish, and other stuff I really don't care about but feel like mentioning for no reason. "Expecto patronus." Heffa tried to show off her magic skills. Unbeknownst to her until then, her patronus was a chocolate cheesecake. She was so embarrassed that she felt like crying. The Scout, her favorite class, noticed the cheesecake.
"Oh boy, I'm starving." He actually pronounced it as stahvin, but I don't really care.
Heffa was now happy. She was very fortunate that no one in the Team Fortress world knew what a patronus was. If they did, they would probably be laughing at her for being a bigger fatty than the Heavy. She decided to test her luck further by performing wingardium leviosa on the Scout's hat.
"What the? My hat is flying!" The Scout and the Engineer stared at the hat. It landed in between Heffa's legs.
"Come get it, you bad boy."
Scout was terrified. "Um, no you can keep it." It was a good thing that he no longer wanted it. Her thighs smelled of sour cabbage and rotten cheese. He would have died from the odor if he came too close. Heffa, at the time realizing her advance failed, had really wished her patronus was an actual cheesecake.
The Demoman and the Soldier now came near the arena.
"What's going on?" The Demoman asked.
"Wait a minute." The Soldier said. He had seen that lightsaber before. "It's the forbidden technique. Have you queers forgotten that anime is for faggots? Run away before we get AIDS." So he ran away with the Demoman. AIDS didn't exist in the 1960's, you know, but in my story it did.
Back to the battle, the Sniper and the Spy had some conversation about their former relationship. Use your imagination, as insipid as it probably is.
"So now we fight." The Sniper said.
"After you."
And then the Sniper started to spin around at an extremely rapid rate. He killed every single Spy.
"Well, that was too easy." Sniper then felt a blade seep its way into his back. "But...how? Is it the replacement technique?"
"Oh, shut the hell up. Have you forgotten about my Dead Ringer? You deserve to die for being so stupid."
I don't know if the respawn was working or not, like most TF2 stories where a character's death seem important...yeah, I changed my mind. Sniper is now burning in hell for being a filthy sodomite.
"You bastard!" The Scout cried. "I'll never forgive you. I'll fight you!"
The Scout stepped up to the arena.
"Oh boy." The Spy said.
Heffa's pants were extremely wet.